Well after 3 years, I am soon to be single again. Its especially hard for me this time because I vested more of myself in this relationship than I ever have before. He was the first person I’d ever been with where I used the term we in my head. I’ve had other ltr’s but in my head, it was always me and this person, never we. He was also someone I pictured growing old with. When we met, he was living in Fresno. So many things clicked. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, similar interests, etc. Ironically, neither one was looking for a bf so the clicking just seemed so much more natural.
The trouble started after he moved here. I’m not really sure when but things have been going downhill for months now. I’ve given him room to grow as a person and experience what it is to be out and gay. But maybe my fault was in being too understanding. That said, after some ernest soul searching, I’ve come to realize what I believe to be the problem. Right now he is so focused on all the things he thinks he missed in the last 15 years (before he met me), that’s all he sees. When he sees me, he sees all the things he thinks is holding him back. I also think he will come to regret this decision. I’m just not sure I’ll be there when he does. Being a typical Aquarian, I’m loyal to a fault. Once I make a break though, I rarely go back. I give of myself 100% and when that is rejected, I am never able to reconcile w/a fresh start. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work for me.
Because so much of our lives are entwined right now, it will be months before we can completely go our separate ways. Hopefully, he’ll wise up. Regardless, I have to move on w/my life. I say this thru tears. It sounds so easy when I sit here and look at it in black and white. However, my heart says something completely different. I’m just so disappointed that things have gone so far downhill. I have to stop now…