Better

Today is the anniversary of my almost suicide over 20 years ago. Well it’s actually the day I chose to remember it. I never remembered the actual day but it was late April/early May. When I started looking back on it I decided to make May 1st the day to remember. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t take the final step. Even though life wasn’t perfectly rosy afterwards, there was so much I would have missed out on. It really did get better for me.

To say it was a dark time in my life would be an understatement. I’m always grateful and humbled by the memory. I always seem to get a bit moody around the time of year w/o evening realizing it. I don’t know if it’s some sort of internal trauma clock going off or just my brain’s funny way of dealing with it. Regardless, I had a bit of a rough day today. Nothing bad, I just was overcome with the memories. The pain has dulled over time but the reasons behind it are still fresh in my mind. I always try to forget the pain. I don’t want to remember the anguish that poisoned my soul. No one should ever have to go thru that. Instead I focus on the singular moment when it all changed. When I was overcome with the pure indescribable joy that flooded my soul. I’ve always said, I touched the divine that day. Not the made-up hypocritical faux God taught in le Bible but the real thing. I didn’t find it by looking out but within. I found it deep within me. It was there all that time just waiting for me to touch it. And when I did make contact for only the briefest of moments, it was truly indescribable. There are no words for the lightning bolt of joy that was given to me in that singular moment. It washed away the sorrow, the pain, and the hopelessness. Don’t misunderstand, it didn’t ‘fix’ me. But it washed away the poison that threatened to kill me. To this day the joy is still with me. I wake up every day to that little spark that still resides in my soul. It gives me purpose and reason to continue. It drives me to push past the pain and disappointments of life. It teaches me the struggle to be better is the point.

Some might consider it odd to mark the anniversary of such a traumatic event but I don’t. It reminds me of not only where I came from but how far I’ve come. My life then and now are polar opposites in many many ways. I am not that naive abandoned little boy anymore. I grew into a man that I am proud to be. And while there is always room for improvement, the marker serves to give me renewed hope every year of my life.

12 thoughts on “Better”

  1. I’m glad you’re still here. And I’m glad you are open enough to write about it for other people to read about, especially for people who are considering it as a way out.

    And I’m sure Cooper is glad you’re here as well. šŸ™‚

  2. For some reason, I never knew this part of you..but I am so glad that you found yourself and I was fortunate enough to meet you in person over five years ago in SF for the Gay Bloggers meet-up during Pride…I read your post daily and you are an amazing person who has gone through a lot… maybe I missed any previous post on this situation, or my old age is making me too forgetful… but so glad you are are around and still blogging… hopefully we will have the chance to meet up again and shoot the shit… It takes a lot to put this out there and I very much respect that you did… hopefully it will make another person on the edge reading your blog, think twice about their life and look inside themselves… big bear hugs from the East Coast!! and a smooch… Kelly

  3. “Lightning bold of joy”. Some of us who live very pleasant lives will probably never experience a lightning bold of joy or the divine spark. You are blessed. Divine Spark? Sounds like a good drag name.

  4. Glad you’re still with us. We’ve lost too many good guys. We still need all we can get!

  5. I am proud of you and so, so, so happy you were able to find that point within you. Just remember, you can always reach within you and that joy is still there. I am also available for you to reach out to…may have to send you another wristband.

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