I originally thought it was kinda funny, but now its kinda getting old. I had the odd luck of being off work early tonight. I’m walking thru the ghaytto to pick up some dinner when a guy¹ I’ve seen around for years suddenly grabs my arm while I’m passing bearbucks. Said guy moved here 4-5 years ago. We met randomly thru different friends a few times. Each time I was summarily dismissed as if I barely existed. I mean literally, it was all he could do to acknowledge my presence. I thought it was hilarious and filed him away in my “bless his heart” file.

Imagine my surprise tonight when I turn around to find he is the guy grabbing my arm. I found it funny how hard he tried to establish a sense of rapport between us. I wasn’t biting and politely said as much. I mentioned I wasn’t really interested as I already had a partner. It was then he made the fatal mistake of saying, “what does he have that I don’t?”  I replied, “well for one manners, and two, me!” and walked away. I was tempted to turn and see the look on his face but I didn’t.

Yes, I know it was probably a bit immature of me to take joy in his humiliation, but I can’t help it. Good looks does not excuse one’s behavior, so yeah I took a little personal joy in his comeuppance. And anyone who knows me knows I can’t stand arrogance. Cockiness is hot but arrogance is so 80’s.

1. We’ll call him Ralphie for simplicity. I have completely forgotten his real name but he looks like a Ralphie to me.

Just because I now live in the (make believe) mecca, I haven’t forgotten where I came from and what I went thru growing up. I have all the respect in the world for Constance and Derrick. They took the high road knowing it would create hardship. Granted they probably never realized how big it would become but still. They chose to stand-up and demand equality. They will go into adulthood with a sense of strength lacking in many of their classmates and be better for it.

The really surprising thing about this whole ordeal is that it took this long for it to come out (pun intended). How many of us over the years have gone thru the same or similar situation? I certainly knew I couldn’t bring my boyfriend to the prom way back when.¹  Hell, they might have actually stoned me had I tried. These horrible ideals aren’t new or even surprising. As we become more visible in society more of our struggles will see the light of day. And while I can’t fault those who take the safe route in their lives, I can acknowledge and support those who do.

As the need for news and information has gone global, courtesy of the internet, people everywhere begin to see the harsh reality of what its sometimes like to grow up gay in America. We need to continue to focus on stories like this. We need to shine the light of day on those who would hide behind fear, ignorance, and religion to justify treating human beings less than human. The great thing about the ‘sensationalist’ approach a lot of media outlets have taken too these days is more of the crazies come forward and are exposed for exactly what they are.

1. I didn’t go. I figured if I couldn’t bring who I really wanted, the hell with it.

Jimbo was ranting on the do’s/don’ts of when to use grindr in social situations. This sort of got me on the general mistakes most folks make when joining/using social sites in general. Whether it be the hatchet-job of HTML and over-embedding on mySpace,¹ the constant barrage of friend/game requests on Facebook, and/or the minutia of irrelevant updates on twitter, it can quickly become unmanageable if you don’t start out with some ground rules.

Being someone who has been online since before the existence of AOL, let me take a moment to edify you on my hard-earned skills. lol With a few simple guidelines you can keep your online social interactions under control, enjoyable, and even useful.

When joining social sites like FB, MS, twitter, etc, you should first decide on your purpose.²  Are you joining to reconnect with friends/family, make new friends, be a social butterfly, and/or just ‘connect’ in general.

DO:

• Take the time to fill out your profile. You don’t have to necessarily reveal personal/private information but if your goal is to meet people then it makes sense to provide goals, interests, hobbies, etc. If you are gonna create multiple profiles, instead of constantly retyping everything, just create a master word or text file that you can copy and paste from. You also don’t have to list every minutia of your interests. Stick to things you are really passionate or interested in. You can always add more later.
• Be sincere and honest. People often sniff out a fake PDQ. Sure your responses might be less but they will be legit. And lets face it, if your goal is to actually meet people, they’ll eventually find out you lied.
• Use an up-to-date picture of yourself. It’s the freakin’ millennium already. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone not to have an up-to-date pic in this day when practically everything has a camera attached to it. I don’t care what you looked like 10 years ago or when you were 12.  Its ok to have those type of pics but not as your main profile pic. Its misleading and you’ll end up alienating people. And if you are so discreet, you can’t have a face shot, then maybe you shouldn’t be online?³
• Actually take the time to reply or interact. Again, if the goal is to be social, it won’t happen all by itself. Depending on the site, you don’t necessarily have to reply to everyone but the point here is to make an effort to interact.

Don’t

• Add any/every one who sends you a friend/follow request. If you do, you’ll soon find your profile becomes bloated and pointless. And there is nothing that says once you add someone you can’t remove them later.
• For adding media/links, don’t over do it. Less is definitely more in this instance. If you constantly fill your stream with drivel, people will get bored or overwhelmed and move on. Its ok to post things you really like but I don’t wanna know about every single song/movie/clip/article that you purchase/download/find from the web. And for the love of toast, for profiles like myspace, make sure the “auto-play” feature for your embedded content is turned off!
• Hide all of your data/info and then wonder why no one friends/follows you. This is a biggie folks. Especially on sites like twitter and FB, if I can’t see anything about you not only will I not add you, I’ll probably go one step further and block you. Demanding a lot and offering nothing in return rarely works. FB allows you a fine control of what is viewable or not. twitter is a bit trickier as it only allows full view or nothing. The trick is to accept the request but then review the person’s feed/stream. If you don’t like it or it doesn’t interest you, simply unfollow and/or block. You’re done.
• Add mean, disparaging, hateful, or otherwise negative statements. No one likes a whining negative-Nancy. Nothing turns me off to a person’s profile faster than negative comments.
• Log on and never log-off. That might work for chat services where you can set yourself to away or available but for most profiles, its just annoying trying to interact with someone who turns out not to be there but logged on.

See, that wasn’t so hard was it? lol Here are just a few more tips that might save you some grief.

Don’t join every site just because you can. Pick and choose the sites you really like and dump the rest.

If you are worried about privacy or work-related issues, don’t use your real name online. I’ve always used my nickname and to this day, I can’t find a single reference to my real name online. This is especially important if you are using profiles for work and ‘play’.

With the latter in mind, keep your work/play profiles separate. You can create multiple accounts for each and/or filter your contacts based on interest.

Ok, that’s it. Now go forth and be social!

1. which has become the trailer park of the web
2. Yes, this even applies to the more adult-oriented sites as well.
3. Anytime I see this, I just assume you are a liar or cheating on someone

I learned the hard way, separate but equal doesn’t work. And for the record, after everything my father did to me as a kid, I still loved him. I didn’t exclude him, he chose to exclude me because I didn’t fit the norm.¹  He made the conscious choice to push me away. And by conscious, I mean being kicked out of the house at the ripe old age of 14 with a broken jaw and 2 broken ribs.

Ten years later, we tried to make amends but he still couldn’t accept me. He made it very clear he didn’t want me “flaunting my lifestyle” in his face. Meanwhile, I had survived being on my own at such an early age, not to mention almost taking my own life and being homeless. Even after all of that, deep down I still wanted his love. But after surviving some of the darkest moments of my life, I couldn’t just go back to his love knowing it was built on the condition I act or behave a certain way. So, I moved on with my life without him. I would call or visit only once or twice a year. And even then it was primarily to see my little brother.  Yeah, it hurt but I was stronger for it. I had finally accepted myself for who and what I was.

Ten more years later, on his deathbed, my father was finally able to admit his regret. I already knew as I had seen the pain in his face over the years. but, it was heartening (and very empowering) to finally hear him admit it out loud. It was also a little bit sad that it had taken him 20 years to finally realize his mistake(s).

So no, I don’t think allowing our families to love us with conditions is acceptable. Granted, my story is a bit extreme. My father never gave me a chance to try and educate him. That said, the point is the same. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We have no reason to bow to irrational demands/restrictions by our families of half-acceptance. Demands born out of fear, ignorance, or lies. And until more of us realize that, I honestly don’t think we’ll have equality under the law.

1. Granted my step-mother goaded him for almost 2-days before he finally lost it but still

Sadly, this is not the first time this scenario has played out, nor will it be the last. For my part, I thinks its time that we stop allowing people who claim to love us to treat us this way. If you can’t accept me then you have no business being in my life. And when you wake up one day and find yourself excluded from my life, you have no one to blame but yourself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, love with limits is not love but control. You can’t claim to love someone but only if they do or act a certain way. That is utter and total horseshit.

1. Oh you were so expecting something else weren’t you?

I ran into a friend in the hood the other day, we exchanged hello’s and a customary hug before going our separate ways. I was immediately bombarded by his overpowering cologne. I was almost nauseous it was so strong, no exaggeration. I got thru it and went on about my day.

An hour later, I’m in Bearbucks getting some much needed caffeine and the guy behind the counter commented on how nice my cologne smelled! Before he said anything, I had just chalked the lingering smell up to my poor nose being overwhelmed. Oh noooo, I got home and took my shirt off and I could smell the shit all over my damn shirt! Now imagine how much he must have had on for it to rub off all over my shirt!

I don’t personally wear cologne very often but I also don’t really mind it, when used properly. I have a strong sense of smell (and as we all know, taste is tied into smell). I also happen to prefer the natural clean scent of human skin over cologne.¹ When used properly, cologne can enhance your own natural smell and be alluring.

So here is a clue for all you cologne-lovers out there. Its meant to give a hint of fragrance. It is not meant to overpower someone’s olfactory system completely. Oh and don’t even get me started on guys who bathe/shower, shave, deodorant, and cologne with the exact same fragrance. OMFG!

Let me be the first to be a true friend and tell you you don’t smell pretty at all. You stink! A drop behind each ear and maybe a drop on each wrist is more than enough. If that isn’t enough, your cologne is too cheap and should be avoided all together.² If all of your hygiene products have the same fragrance, you don’t need any cologne at all. And if you can’t afford the really good stuff just go for the natural clean smell. I guarantee everyone around you will be grateful.

/rant

1. And no, I don’t like stank either. That is just as gross and not at all healthy.
2. The whole line of AXE shite is a prime example of product(s) to be avoided at all costs.

I had a very odd conversation with a co-worker the other day about gay rights, specifically about gay marriage. It was odd because we’d originally started out discussing my few experiences with women during my coming-out years.¹  He abruptly switched the conversation by asking me how I felt about the current struggle for gay marriage.

Before I go on, let me give you a little background info. He is straight, a different racial background, and older by about 10 years. For the most part, he and I have always gotten along very well. He treats me with respect and I return the favor. To my discredit, I’ve always been a little wary of him though. Not because of anything he did but simply because I knew he was very religious. I’ve overheard some of his conversations with other co-workers over the years and had him pegged as a bit of a fundie.²  And while I know that’s not necessarily a good thing, when you grow up in the bible belt listening to the holier-than-thou’s-but-often-ignorant-hypocrites preach about how awful you are and proclaiming your very existence will lead to the fall of man, you get a little defensive at times.

Anyway, back to the story. I told him I felt whole-heartedly the struggle was an honest and righteous one. Mentally, I’d already begun to compile my reply as I expected him to throw a bunch of misquote and miswritten scripture at me in defense of ‘traditional marriage’. To my total surprise, he actually agreed with me (with only a little caveat). While I’m sure he didn’t notice a thing, I was completely blown away. You could have sold me for a penny and got change back I was so surprised! And what had started as a passing conversation to alleviate boredom now had my complete attention!

He went on to tell me he believed gays should have all the legal rights afforded straights but that it shouldn’t be called a ‘marriage’. He felt very strongly marriage is a term deeply tied to religion. At that point in the conversation I was still reeling from surprise. Here I am thinking this guy, while always friendly, is probably actively voting to keep me a second class citizen and he is nothing of the sort. Even worse, he actually supports me! Talk about feeling like an ass.³  Anyway, we went on to basically agree on the subject in every way possible. I have a new found respect for my co-worker, to say the least. I’ve also dropped the preconceived notions I had of him. lol  Teach me to be a doubting-Thomas.

*

As to the topic of our conversation, I’ve always thought [gays] should focus on the civil aspect and leave the term marriage by the curb. Granted, there will be many who will fight it regardless of what we call it, but that doesn’t mean we should be stupid about it. More people have been killed on this planet in the name of God(s) than all other atrocities in human history combined. Is it really feasible to think we can change people’s beliefs in the span of a few decades? That said, I honestly believe most human beings are decent and want to do the right thing. Trying to force acceptance thru “marriage” has always sent the wrong message IMHO and makes our struggle that much harder.

Many people don’t know that a marriage in a church isn’t legally binding until you’ve registered with the local county clerk’s office. So, while we might have blurred the lines between our civil and religious references to marriage, they are still completely separate under the law. We should have focused on that separation from the very beginning and stuck with it. We’d certainly be further along in our struggle for equality right now if we had. And if we really want to win this fight, we should redouble our efforts and focus on making the line between civil unions (straight and gay) and marriages very distinct, along with their distinctly different connotations.

Regardless, of our most recent setbacks, we will eventually see equality. The younger generation doesn’t care about the old prejudices and stereotypes. And as the older generations simply die off, change will happen. I am still hopeful it will happen in my lifetime.

1. Yes, I’ve been there done that. I gave the tshirt away though, so not for me.  lol
2. short for “christian fundamentalist”
3. We can talk about my projection issues another day.

My friend Trevan came up for an extended weekend. We hadn’t seen each other in over a year but as always, it was if we had just seen each other yesterday. We fall into old habits and patterns w/o any effort. It was good to see him.

Saturday night we went to Blowoff instead of the more widely known Magnitude party. Frankly, I find the latter a bit boring. In a city were sexual contact can be moments away, it has really never held that much appeal for me. Blowoff on the other hand was quite fun. Its house style music but with an 80’s/90’s twist. In other words, a really good beat with the tracks to older songs blended into the background. The crowds tend to be guys in their 30-40’s and hairy. heh heh. Trev and I danced from 10:30 until 1:30 before deciding to call it a night. It has been ages since I’ve danced the night away in a bar. Granted, it shouldn’t be a habit but I had forgotten how much I love to dance.

Sunday was the fair. I felt like a bit of a party-pooper because I was over it within the first hour. It was just too damn busy. We stayed all of 2 hours before calling it quits. It took that long just to worm our way from one end to the other. We ended up in the ‘hood hanging out at Moby’s (the bar).

Sunday night we did the Real Bad party. They scaled back on ticket sales this year so it was much more tolerable and easy to move around. Basically, it was crowded w/o being a total mess. Trev and I hung out for a bit socializing before worming our way onto a speaker.¹ We spent the next 3 hours dancing our ass off.

The bad news is my roomie’s ex-partner was in a really bad accident on Friday. He suffered several broken bones. The roomie got to spend his weekend at the hospital. I felt bad for him. I know he didn’t mind giving up his weekend but I still felt so sorry for him.

In other news, I…um…uh…um…well, I sorta met someone. heh heh I’m keeping a lid on things for now as every time I blab it all here, I seem to jinx it. lol.  I will say he is an apple fan² and a gamer. We are off to a good start. :p

1. Not for the reason you think. Being on the speaker gave us room to dance w/o being crowded or constantly bumped in to. heh heh
2. let the war begin

As ho hum as I was feeling earlier, I did have a good time. I even stayed beyond my normal 2 hour limit. I ended up hanging out with Chris aka @Wildcuddler from twitter and his friends @bucknsj and @puppychow79. Even better, they are both on twitter so now I get to stalk them. heehee. Seriously though, they were both very nice and made such an adorable couple. We were also joined by a tag-tail.² but even he was sweet and I rather liked having him along.

The event itself was a bit smaller this year. And while it did get crowded, it was so nice not being jam-packed in wall-to-wall bodies with barely enough room to breath. It might sound hot but after about 15 minutes of it, you get rather annoyed. Normally, I can go the whole circuit twice and be lucky if I run into 5 people I know. Not so this time. I ran into a whole slew of friends (and bloggers) in the span of about an hour. I ran into roblog and his hot husband entering the gates. Shortly beyond that I ran into Victor from v-hold and his scruffy hubby and then Wade from beyondbuffalo. There was @repete from twitter and his hubby, several random tricks from years past and even a co-worker. lol It was a whole stream of walk, stop, flirt, chat, flirt some more, then continue on your way. I even saw my ex. I ran into my flickr buddy Andy, who I totally have the hots for. His smile is even more endearing in person. Such a sweetie he was. I could go on and on but you know I am not a name-dropper …  heh heh

There was plenty of the obvious. A grope here, a smile there, a quick chest or butt rub followed by grunts and groans.  Oh yes, it wouldn’t be Dore w/o the blatant sexual innuendo and aggression. There was one beefy guy wearing ass-less chaps that I would have followed around like a puppy had he already not had a hubby in tow. Bastard. lol

**Interjection – I’m sitting at Firewood in the hood as I write this and I’m sitting next to a group of guys who are whining about not being part of the ‘pretty crowd’ yet they can’t stop talking about all the ‘hot’ guys they saw. I’m half tempted to lean over and point out the stupidity of their conversation. Its one thing to not go and ridicule but its another thing entirely to go and then whine about it because you weren’t the center of attention. And that’s forgetting for a moment that ‘pretty’ is a subjective term at best and two, if you’ve ever been to Dore or Folsom, you know the mix of guys is amazing. You see everything; freaks, cock, boobs, piss, average, bears, muscle, hair, smooth, porn, drag, leather, sex, etc. Oh did I mention porn?³ It runs the entire gambit so going and then whining about not being ‘included’ just annoys me to no end. /rant **

Ok back on topic, sort of. I was particular struck this year by how pervasive our technology has become in our everyday lives. For my own part, I was twittering and texting at down times throughout the day. Of course, I had to stay in contact with the boy. Then there was the moto group, coworkers inquiring if my ass was hanging out, and random tweets and FB updates. I had 3 different random strangers stop me to tell me they read my blog, which tickled me to no end. (Eddy, Derrick, Paul, I told you I’d mention you!) I also met several folks who met thru the various online social sites. One might say, it was a cornucopia of interconnected web-addicts all decked out in leather, lace, and gear!

All said, it was a good event. Fun, frolic, and friends all at one time. What’s not to like?⁴ It was a nice end to my rather uneventful but extremely well-timed vacation as I go back to work tomorrow. I’m back on my new (old) shift which I’m very excited about.

And how was your weekend?

1. Its officially called Up Your Alley now but locals still refer to it by its original name.
2. someone who attaches themselves to you or your group in the hopes of hooking up. *g*
3. That said, there seemed to be fewer porn boys out and about this year as well.
4. Oh, there will be a forthcoming ‘post’ in a few days about other activities, so you know what to do.

A small firestorm was set off yesterday in the twitterverse w/the announcement of IML banning the sale of bareback¹ videos in the future. (It would probably help if you read the article before continuing)  You can also read the fallout from Joe.my.god. I bounced it over to him and he posted it as well.

I thought I’d give it a thorough beating here rather than endless broken comments on twitter and elsewhere. Personally, I have mixed views on the decision. While I support the idea, in theory, I honestly don’t see it having any real affect as is on the problem. Educated informed adults watching a fetish barebacking video does not necessarily equate having unsafe sex in person.

Had this decision been part of a broader effort to unite the neg/poz camps thru acceptance and education, I think it might have had much more of an impact. As is, it 1) is divisive thru the prevailing but misguided belief that blame and finger-pointing is productive, 2) fetish’izes (made up word of the day) the taboo further, and 3) caters to the failed idea that censure has ever worked w/human behavior. Sexuality is tied to our base instincts as human beings and has never been as easy as right from wrong. If it were would the Catholic church still be fighting the ‘abstinence only’ fight? Oh yeah, they’re really winning that battle. /sarcasm

As usual, there are several important distinctions overlooked in the often heated battle over barebacking. From my perspective, the good/bad sides of barebacking, seeing boths sides of the issue (neg and poz), societal re-enforcement of conflicting do’s and don’ts, and finally dispelling the myth(s) often propagated thru irrational fear and ignorance. Otherwise, we end up bickering and solving nothing. Meanwhile, HIV continues to rise in the gay community.

In itself, barebacking is not bad. In closed neg/neg, poz/poz couples it is an entirely normal healthy behavior.² But this isn’t really the part people focus on. The very real and dangerous connotation of barebacking is in anonymous, public, and/or online hook-ups where the sero-status of a sex partner is assumed, unknown, or undisclosed. This is the true heart of the debate which routinely seems to get lost in the name-calling, mud-slinging, blame game.

There are always two sides to any story and this is no exception. On the one side, we have neg guys who out of ignorance and/or fear constantly disassociate by pointing fingers and blaming poz guys. This allows them to abdicate any personal responsibility. They further attempt to avoid poz guys by sero-sorting thru a variety of often unsuccessful but comical methods. One very popular method is you can look for tell-tale signs that a guy is poz. In the early days of the epidemic that might have been true but not anymore. Most drugs or cocktails on the market today have few to zero side-effects. Then there is the ‘its the poz guy’s responsibility to disclose their status’ argument. While true in its intent, this approach misses two very important but often completely overlooked realities.

The first reality is ultimately, no one is responsible for your health but you. You can project all you want but if you are neg and wish to remain so, it is your job to educate yourself about HIV transmission³ and act accordingly. Otherwise, the epitaph on your tombstone might read, “the other guy didn’t divulge he was poz”. Right or wrong, you could still end up dead. Is that the approach you really want to take? As a sexually promiscuous gay man, you should as a rule develop a list of sexual acts you are comfortable with regardless of a persons HIV status. This eliminates not only the fear but also the temptation to engage in risky behavior with a stranger who may not really know their status or flat out lie about it. Yeah, there are some dipshits who lie, but if you take responsibility for your health you negate their lies completely. Guys who follow these common sense rules can have fun, productive, hot, fear-free sex lives.

The second reality is the real culprit in the continuing transmission of HIV are guys who don’t know or refuse to find out their status.⁴ If you are sexually active, you should be getting tested once every 3-6 months. It is often free (or very cheap) and there are plenty of places to go for it. In this day and age, there is absolutely no excuse for not knowing your HIV status. And, if you don’t know or have reason to doubt your status, it is your job to act responsibly and have safe sex. Hiding behind fear makes you a coward at best and at worst could potentially land you in jail.

*

On the other side, we have poz guys who equally disassociate by attempting to sero-sort by only playing w/other poz guys. This often stems from being feared, stigmatized, rejected, etc. I would also argue this is probably where the incorrect but prevailing perception that the poz community ‘glamorizes being poz’ comes from. Pick any poz guy you know and ask him how glamorous he thinks being HIV-positive is. I think you’ll find very quickly they do not see it that way. From my own experiences, I find most poz guys are open and honest about their status and act responsibly. Others are less forthcoming but still act responsibly by practicing safe sex w/their sexual partners. Both approaches in my mind are acceptable forms of behavior, one being better than the other respectively. Me personally, I’d prefer to have sex with an openly sero-discordant guy over a guy who had no idea. And yes, there are a few who know and take no responsibility at all and leave it up to their partners to force the issue or not. Then you have the really crazy fucks (commonly referred to as ‘seeders’) who deliberately try to spread it. Don’t even get me started on them. But the latter, while often publicized broadly, makes up the tiniest fraction of the poz community.

*

We are never going to get anywhere by continually polarizing the issue and laying blame. Constructive and positive re-enforcement has consistently demonstrated the ability to change people’s behavior vs negative. Barebacking was here before, during, and after the hardest part of the AIDS epidemic, whether we can all agree or not, it is doubtful it will disappear anytime soon. Instead of fighting over points of view, both neg and poz folks need to reach out to each other. We need to tackle ignorance, fear, and stigma around being poz head on. We need to educate ourselves and others and act/behave responsibly.  Until we do something more constructive, nothing will really get done and we’ll see more and more young gay men sero-converting. 

*

Jumping back to the article, we have an organization/event known for its rampant hedonism suddenly coming out (pardon the pun) against barebacking by banning the sale of those videos. To me this smacks of a total political attempt to divert responsibility away from the event owner/organizers. But to be fair, maybe thy are legitimately concerned. Maybe it was a gut reaction poorly thought out or merely a first step. As is, I fear it will have virtually no impact on curtailing anything. There has been no mention on policy, education, or prevention efforts to actually curtail barebacking. How exactly does such a conflicting message combat the problem? Simply put, it doesn’t. What it does do is send a symbolic but failed message about the dangers of barebacking. A message that will fall on deaf ears as many will see this as the event taking a side thru blame and censure, furthering the divide between the neg and poz camps.

1. sex w/o condoms
2. There is still a debate over poz/poz barebacking creating super-strains. However, after 2 decades it has failed to materialize as a real threat.
3. no risk, acceptable risk, risky, and very risky
4. For the purpose of this debate, I am leaving out IV drug users who often share dirty needles.