Continue reading »]]> I had a very rough call this past week at work and I find I’m having trouble shaking it. I rarely take work personal but there are times when certain calls find their way past my shields and really get under my skin. Most days, work is forgotten the moment I leave the building. Hell, its forgotten before I get my bike started. lol 

Sadly in my line of work, even when everything is done 100% right, people still suffer and I realize that. Without getting overly detailed, a person died while they were talking to me on the phone. I did everything I could possibly do (and then some) to no avail. I don’t have any angst or guilt over my performance. Its just been a long time since I had such a raw nerve-racking call.

Most people assume working in my agency, we handle emergencies non-stop, call after call, day after day. That simply isn’t true. Many calls can be urgent and even stressful, but the ratio of truly emergent calls is very low. And while many of our calls are emergencies in one sense or another, there are emergencies and then there are emergencies. That’s the best way I can explain it. I can handle bloody vehicle accidents, shootings, stabbing, fights, assaults, etc w/o blinking an eye. And while I am not belittling the realness of these calls, after years of repeating’em over and over, it just becomes sort of routine. Granted they are still stressful but you don’t really get excited. You handle it as best you can and move on to the next call.

This last call was just so raw and out of the norm, it got to me. Hearing someone slowly¹ pass away while pleading for help and comfort is hard, to say the least. To know you are helpless to prevent the inevitable is just gut-wrenching. I was obviously upset afterwards and took some time to compose myself and refocus my mind. I was texting Apple guy and he managed to make me laugh, which is exactly what I needed. He knocked me out of my funk enough for me to move on. I finished my shift and went on about my life. For whatever reason, this particular call wasn’t so easy to forget. 

The upside to this is I recognized the hard edge within me hasn’t taken over yet.²  I’ll be honest, if I ever lose myself to the dark parts of my id, I would consider my life (and my struggles) an utter failure. It has been and continues to be on of the single most important guiding principles in my life. Thankfully, I don’t see myself going down that path. So while this particular call really got to me, it has also helped to remind me that I am still the man I strive to be. I can’t save everyone but I can take strength and comfort in knowing I do the best I can every time I can, no matter the scenario.

1. in the scope of a call it seems slow but the reality here is within a few minutes
2. For you newer readers, I’ve discussed on occasion a very dark cold part of my id that scares the holy shit out of me.

Continue reading »]]> Le old blog has always been about me learning and discovering myself. True to form, this post follows in that vein. Its also a bit mushy. (You have been warned. lol,)

I was yacking it up with my buddy Christopher the other night and had a bit of an epiphany. It just sort of hit me while I was ranting away on the phone.¹  Many of you know things have been going pretty well between Apple guy and myself. So I’m talking with Christopher about that very thing; basically ticking off all the things that I like about him. I’m literally bouncing thru a list in my head when it suddenly dawned on me. For the first time in my entire life, I’ve met someone who has every quality² that I’ve always wished for in what I’d consider my ideal mate!  *goose bumps from hell!*

I’m fond of saying, ‘I try to be the type of man I’d like to date.’ It doesn’t mean I’m searching for perfection just someone perfect for me. And I’ll be the first to admit, its taken me many years and many failed attempts to discover what exactly that is to me. I had to discover not only what it is I want/don’t want but also what it is I have to offer in return. And lawd knows, many of you have followed my dating ups and downs over the years. A small few of you have even been their since the beginning of my blog and the very raw and painful break-up with the ex.

Thru it all, I’ve met guys who had some or most of what I wanted but never the whole enchilada. I guess you could call it a wish list. And to be frank, I’ve never actually expected to find someone who had it all. I’ve always hoped I’d find a guy who I had enough in common with to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. A relationship that was honest, open, and free to evolve as we did.³  After TFA, I’d pretty much given up on that. It became something I still wanted but never expected to really find. To my credit, even after TFA, I continued to dabble and explore parts of my id. And I’m somewhat proud to stay, even thru my resignation, I still managed to continue learning about myself.

So imagine my total surprise to suddenly realize I could very well be getting my wish! I found someone who represents everything I’ve always wanted in a partner. I guess it shouldn’t come as a big surprise to me (even though it is) my connection and approach to building a relationship with this person has and is completely different. Instead of discovering a few things that appeal to me and then attempting to build a relationship on those things, I find myself just building on one entirely all-inclusive package. (This is one of those times where I know my grasp of the English language fails me. Try as I might, I can’t seem to truly express the full breath of what I’m feeling right now.)

How do I make this make sense? Let me try this. With my previous dating attempts, no matter how good or bad, I’ve always felt like I was either giving up part of myself or part of what I truly wanted in an effort make the relationship work. I have yet to feel any of that with Apple guy. If anything, I’m getting more than I ever hoped.  Being very territorial about my private space, I’ve yet to feel trapped, cooped up, or even bothered by any of the time he has spent with me. Our time together just seems so easy, with little or no effort on either of our part. Considering we spent over 2 months of the last 5 1/2 months together, that is a big statement. I’ve had contentment before but never in the sense I feel it now. My biggest fear after Drew was being abandoned again. After he moved here, it seemed all of his priorities and goals changed. Sadly, those changes didn’t include me. It hurt me very deeply when he so abruptly abandoned me. It also made me greatly fear the same thing in all of my following dating attempts. And to be fair, I am still scared now, however it isn’t as overpowering like times past. Its more of a nagging annoyance that rears its head in my moments of doubt. If anything, I’m finding a strength I’ve never know before. I don’t worry about Apple guy finding the BBD.⁴  I am self-assured in the knowledge that he is with me for many of the same reasons I am with him. And while we relate very differently in these areas, I am discovering how to read and understand him. That understanding has only served to re-enforce my new found strength. I think there are definitely times when I fail to express (to him) the true depth of my emotion. That said, I am confident he sees the truth behind my eyes. Does that make any sense at all?  Ugh. I’m still struggling to express myself here.

I guess in the simplest terms I know, in almost 6 short months, I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love. I feel like Apple guy is the one. Not the fairytale happy-ever-after crap, but the one person who is willing to take the time to understand me, accepts me (flaws and all), and is willing to stand by me thru the good and the bad. I am not so foolish to think we won’t have problems or fight, but I find myself daring to believe he is perfect for me. He allows the “me” to exist equally along side the “we”. 

While the future is unwritten, I am increasingly optimistic about our life together. The idea of a future with him warms my soul and I eagerly await it. The idea of him not being in my life is painful to even mention.

Fate forbid, even if we don’t make it, I realize now I love him like I have loved no other. He has shown me that what I truly want is not only possible but attainable. And no matter how things progress, I will always love and be grateful to him for that.

Stay tuned and wish m luck!

1. I love talking with him because he lets me ramble on ad-nauseum. lol  Actually, we have a lot in common and I trust his advice.
2. Emotional and physical. Oh yes! I lust after him!
3. No tall order at all, right? lol
4. bigger better deal

Continue reading »]]> Work has been an absolute torment for me this week. Not my job per se (that I can handle) but stuff influencing not only my day to day operations but my position as a Steward as well. I had enough foresight to see this problem coming months ago and made several attempts to prevent it from happening. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

Without going into details and bad-mouthing a whole slew of people who aren’t here to defend themselves, I basically felt pressured into making a very big deal out of something I feel could have been handled with only a tiny amount of intervention. It is a very big deal to me. The irony is because I’m so incredibly frustrated and angry, I’ve lost my normal sense of composure and ability to make shrewd calculated responses. I pride myself on being able to see the big picture, step back from a situation, size it up, respond accordingly, and work to a successful resolution. That said, realizing I’d lost this detachedness, I called in my big rep for our Union. I felt a little ashamed to bother him with it but he backed me up 110%.

To give you an idea of how out of sorts I am. This new issue has me so wound up and angry not only did I loose my temper yesterday, I actually yelled at several coworkers, which is something I never do. While not making excuse(s), I felt completely isolated and abandoned in the scope of things going on around me at the time.¹

Today, seeing no one above my rank cared or could even be bothered to feign concern, I escalated the issue to a level that involves myself, the department, and the city in general. This of course angered me even more because it made me feel petty. I absolutely detest being made to feel petty about anything!

Afterwards, needing to blow off steam, I confided in some of my friends at work and was surprised to hear how much they supported my efforts. They not only supported me but encouraged me to carry my fight to the very end. Its funny how just a little nod of approval can give one a sense of validation and conviction.

And while it may still come across as petty to some, I am feeling much more my old self again and am confident it will get resolved to my satisfaction.

1. As it turns out, I’m not but it didn’t feel that way.

Continue reading »]]> Today my buddy kristaki married his sweetheart Ramune. Inserted is my self-inflicted mugshot taken before the big shindig commenced.

In a not so random turn of events, I knew both the bride and groom, I work with both of them. The groom and I were in the same academy class together. We hit it off as buds pretty much right away. Ramune started about 3 years later. They’ve been living together as a couple for some time now but today was finally the big day.

I normally avoid formal events as I hate the fussiness behind all of it. We’ve become a society focused more on the appearance of tradition vs the actual meaning behind it.¹  I couldn’t not attend their wedding. While I know kristaki more, Ramune was indoctrinated into the local chapter as a Steward and I’m hoping to mold her in my professional image.² Seriously, I think she is a sweet soul with a mischievous side that doesn’t come to light until you really get to know her. I’ve always thought they were a good ‘fit’ for each other and I was reminded of that today. Looking beyond the nervous apprehension, I saw a couple secure in each other with a bright future together. I wish them all the best.

You can stop here unless you wish to read my reminiscent ramblings, which as you know can be significant at times. :p

Besides the obvious disappointment of still being considering a 2nd class citizen in this country, the days festivities gave me pause to reminisce about my past.  For my part, kristaki was one of the first straight guys I formed a significant friendship with. Oh, I’ve had plenty of straight buds over the years but I consider kristaki a close friend. I’d give him a kidney if he needed it and I’m sure he’d do the same for me. Until him, I’d never really had close ties to any of my straight friends. My upbringing and the struggles I went thru convinced me for the longest time I needed to stay within the confines of my own community. An idea I’ve long since shed but it was a bumpy road getting here.

Growing up gay in the back woods of East Texas, after my family migrated from Louisiana, wasn’t easy. Besides the already extremely rough coming out, it wasn’t something you broadcasted unless you wanted ridicule. I remember vividly the names and taunts directed at the town “drag queen”.³  After moving away from home and coming out full-force, I surrounded myself with mostly gay friends. While that was to be expected when one is searching for a sense of belonging and community, it didn’t have to be all inclusive. My only straight friends at the time were usually made thru work connections.

A good portion of my 20’s was spent focusing on my survival. That didn’t leave much time for me to learn the art of being introspective. Frankly, its hard to focus on the ‘higher-being’ aspect of the id when you are worried about where your next meal might come from. Moving to SF was a big gamble for me financially but it paid off, so far. (Keep your fingers crossed.)

Until I’d met kristaki, I’d never met a straight guy who was truly comfortable being around gays. And by truly comfortable, I mean we could discuss my life as equally and openly as his. Beyond the good-natured taunts and jibes, there was no animosity or disgust on his part. He genuinely liked me for me, including the ‘different’ parts. He grew up in the Bay area so I guess it shouldn’t have been a surprise my being gay wasn’t a big deal to him. But to me it was a big step and no matter where I travel in my life, I’ll always remember it.

Besides the obvious benefits of having a good friend, it also bolstered me in ways I’d never anticipated. I became more accepting of myself. In my early 20’s I built a sort of shell around myself that served as a defense mechanism. I think I’ve mentioned it before but my only exposure as a child to being gay was the stereotypes. I subconsciously assumed to be gay meant I had to be that way so I turned myself into the typical stereotype. I became the nelly limp-wristed fembot that could burst into flames w/o provocation or notice.⁴ This made it easy to avoid those unpleasant conversations or hurt feelings at losing someone you cared about over ignorance. If there was no doubt I was gay then I’d never have to worry about losing someone over the discovery.

It was a few years prior to my moving to SF that I realized I didn’t need to be the stereotype. I slowly began the arduous process of dismantling a shell personality that had become so much apart of me as to be indistinguishable from the real me underneath. I was still in the process of dismantling that shell when I moved to SF.⁵  Befriending kristaki, while I didn’t realize it at the time, gave me an additional boost of confidence in the new-found belief I could just be myself, I didn’t need to act at anything, gay or straight. I could just be me.

I’m laughing a bit as I write this because I had previously decided I’ve beat my past and id so much on this blog there is nothing left to tell. Well, I am discovering that factors beyond my conscious acknowledgement have helped shape me into the person I am and continues to do so. I’ve even been mulling over the idea of ending my blog recently. Many of my favorite reads have gone by the wayside and I’ve been feeling less and less inclined to blog myself. I still read a lot of blogs but I find more and more of them have to do with news and current events than personal stuff.

My blog has always been about socializing and my personal growth. Two very important aspects of my journey in life. The online social aspect is more often astutely covered thru other mediums these days. Ergo, I’m finding the social aspect of my blog becoming less and less. That leaves my personal growth. Frankly, I was so fucked up in the head as a young adult I honestly never thought I’d sort thru it all. And yeah, I still wrestle with my demons, but unlike in years past they no longer seem to cripple me as much or as often. I’ve gone from someone so insecure inside I’d get nervous crossing the street in front of people or walking in a crowded coffee shop. While I’d never let these feelings show on the surface, I was extremely afraid I’d never overcome them. It is no easy thing to battle such overpowering insecurity on a daily basis. I’m somewhat proud to say its been a long time since I’ve under-valued my own existence so significantly.

So take away the two primary reasons for my blog and what’s left?  Porn? Nah, not for me. While I do pepper a few hidden and/or adult posts in randomly, it has never been the focus and I don’t blog for clicks.⁶  News? Too many other blogs do a far better job of keeping up with world/current events far better than I ever could. There is still the social aspect but sites like Facebook, twitter, etc do a far better job of encouraging people to interact. Personal blogs tend to be more one-sided, no that that is a bad thing mind you. *g*

Its moments like today that remind me I still have room to grow and evolve as human being. And there is still room yet for me to discover aspects of myself I never knew existed. The whole previously mentioned daddy/boy thing I’m going thru is a grand example of that. If you had asked me even just a few years ago if I could ever see myself in the ‘daddy’ role, I’d have sworn it was impossible as that just isn’t my thing. I’ve discovered there are aspects of the role that appeal to me greatly. And while I’ll never wear the mantle in a constant form, it has been a very enriching and enlightening experience.

I guess the point of my ramble is I’m discovering there is still room left for me to learn about my past as well as my future. I’m fond of saying my blog has served as a form of self-therapy over the years. While I do see a gradual decline in my blog posts, I’ve decided to hold onto it for awhile longer. Clearly, there is still some room left for me to self-analyze.

1. A topic in itself, but we’ll save that nut and crack it open on a later day when I’m desperate.
2. Don’t go there! lol
3. It wasn’t until years later a conversation I had with said queen back then gave me strength to face my fears and taught me the true meaning of self-acceptance.
4. Oh yes, it wasn’t pretty! lol
5. While I may not be the stereotype, I don’t shun them either. While often viewed as a detriment, they can also be very beneficial.
6. No matter how you slice it, sex sells. It also drives clicks to blogs something fierce.

Continue reading »]]> I  haven’t talked much about TFA lately.  That has been partly on purpose.  I needed some time to work thru some things percolating in ma head.  I will reveal he has been dating someone new and seems absolutely smitten.  Of which, I’m very happy about.  I know I know, you are shaking head going “huh”?  (I’ll get to that, keep reading)  lol  The new guy seems to be much more what TFA needs as well as wants in a partner.  I’ve always felt TFA and I met for a reason.  Whether it was he to learn from me or vice-versa is still up for grabs.  I do think at the time we met, TFA needed me but I wasn’t what he wanted.  I know for some that won’t make sense but for me it totally does. 

I’m sure by now you are gathering from my comments I have indeed let go of the angst I felt regarding TFA.  Actually, it was some time ago.  It had more to do with my own insecurities really.  Seeing that and dealing with it was an important step for me.  I still care for him very much but that concern has evolved into an enduring friendship.¹

Having let go of my internal issues, I find I am extremely happy with our relationship at present.  His new boyfriend knows about me and is completely ok with the connection and friendship we share.  After a long talk last night, I think TFA has clearly conveyed to him I am not a threat to their budding romance.  Considering he will be here for a long layover the weekend after my upcoming birthday, I felt it was important to make sure our connection would not hinder or interfere with his new love interest. 

* 

On a side rant, seeing TFA struggle to overcome his demons these last couple years has served to remind me of my past struggles and has kept me focused on my own life’s path.  He often tells me he sees our friendship lasting well into old age.  I’m very flattered and heartened by that. 

One of my life’s goals has been to know when I die, I’ll do so knowing I leave behind people who will remember and miss me.²  TFA definitely brings me one step closer to that goal.

1. well, a friendship with ‘benefits’. heh heh heh
2. For you tiny few LONG time readers, this will make total sense to you.  The rest of ya…get busy!