In

You knew it was coming…another post about the Pup! lol  Yeah, I’m gonna gush a little again.

Lately, more than a couple friends have referred to me as being “all-in” with the new Pup. They’ve commented on how happy I seem, how very eager I am, and also how much more open I am in public/social forums about my feelings. And they are right, I have been. I’ve been very expressive on and offline about how I feel. On the flip side, I have personally been a little worried of overwhelming him with all my expression.1

I have been asking myself why exactly that is. Part of me is just very expressive and it is natural for me to show it. On top of that, blogging has taught me to be introspective and has sharpened my ability to articulate my feelings and emotions more eloquently. Then you mix in something so fundamentally new to me and you’re bound to see me express it. But is that all? Is that the only reasons? I’m not so sure.

In less than two shorts weeks, my beloved Pup will be here with me full time. Yeah, you read it hoes, full time! lolol He’s making the move to SF and I couldn’t be happier. So yeah, I express it a lot, to him and the world. In 7 short months, he has shown me what being in love with the right man for the right reasons can feel like. Some could consider that kind of fast and maybe it is. But having such a deep yet oddly simple connection, I don’t feel a need to be overly cautious. It feels more right than any LTR I’ve ever been in.

Having learned my lessons from previous LTRs, I think I might be overly sensitive about him moving here. I’ve gone out of my way to make sure he has a safety net. God forbid, if something were to happen he has his home in Phoenix to go back to. He originally wanted to sell it and I was very against that. I also insisted he have a transfer or job in place before he moved. Having been thru it before, I can tell you the financial stress can be disastrous for a budding LTR. A move is stressful enough w/o adding a job search into the mix. And don’t get me wrong, these weren’t all my ideas. We discussed and agreed to them together. The point is having learned from past mistakes and loving him so much, I’d never want him to fell trapped, stuck, or resentful.

On top of that, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m in love with the right man at the right time for the right reasons. I have zero doubt. Zero. I have yet to ignore or push away a reg flag. That is certainly something I’ve never really been able to say to myself before.  We exist as our imperfect selves and we both seem to just resonate with the other. We are not perfect but I like to think we are perfect for each other. And this is not to turn it into something mythical or put it on a pedestal. I fully admit I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I’m sure he and I will have strife at some point. I am only describing the differences between previous relationships and this one.

And while I do not fear for our relationship, if for some unknown reason it didn’t work out, I would not have a single regret. I’m not settling. I’m not accepting behaviors thinking I can ‘handle them’ because I understand the motivations behind it. I am not pushing for the LTR out of loneliness. I am, for lack of a better description, wholly in love with a man whom loves me back just the same. I am truly grateful that for whatever reason he saw in me what he needed and wanted and went for it, even when I was on the brink of ending it all.2 There is no way I could regret what I have with him, ever.

And even as I gush away here on my blog, I know that he is ok with it. He often tells me he doesn’t feel as expressive as I am. (Which makes him normal! lol) But when he does express himself, it is perfect (for me). He manages to convey so much in much fewer words than I. Maybe I should take a que from him? …Shut it! :p lol Ok seriously, he has assured me I have yet to make him feel overwhelmed, pressured, rushed, or even daunted.

So yeah, I’m all in on this one. I”m not holding anything back. No doubt, no regrets, no compromises on what I need or want. Does that make the potential for hurt that much greater? Sure it does. But the reward is so much more and absolutely worth it IMHO. And I’d be an idiot to let fear ruin the most wonderful thing in my life.

  1. Yes darlings, I can be overbearing and/or intense at times. I know, color you surprised! []
  2. A story for another day but would have been the biggest mistake of my life. []

Werd

Everyone has been chomping at the bit for some updates on The Pup and I. Things are going exceedingly well. Actually, they are going better than I ever could have expected! In fact, we’ve even shared the L-word. hehehe

Truthfully, I couldn’t be more in love if I tried. It’s been just over 5 months now and if you’d told me I would feel this way back then I would have shrugged it off. We both started out ‘knowing‘ it wasn’t going anywhere at the time because we lived apart. My roomie teases me a bit about it because I was emphatic that it ‘wasn’t going anywhere.‘  Well, I guess I was wrong, to my delight. (You should log in btw)

I can’t even begin to explain how our connection feels to me. And while I said previously I wasn’t gonna spit out a bunch of platitudes this time around, I can say there have been many firsts in our growing relationship. At 42 years old one might say I’m a little jaded and I’ve definitely been around the block, so to be able to say their have been ‘firsts’ should tell you what a big deal it is for me.

As eluded to previously, we just fit together so incredibly well. We mesh so easily and w/o any effort. Never in my life have I had that with anyone. Of course, I’ve had compatibilities before but this goes deeper than I’ve ever experienced. It just flows between us. I’m not doing it justice in words. It feels so different that it feels like my first time in many ways. I know that probably sounds a bit cheesy but it does. I feel like a kid discovering a love connection for the first time.

The biggest and most compelling thing for me is when I look into his eyes. In his eyes I see the love that I feel shining back out at me. Yes, I said shining because that’s how it feels. I’ve had partners that I believed loved me but deep in my soul I never felt they were truly IN love with me. Big difference. And to be fair, maybe they were and it was my own doubts that kept me from knowing/seeing it. I fully admit it could have been just as much my hangups. Anyway, even when The Pup and I are apart now, I feel it. I feel that he loves me as much as I love him and it is an incredible feeling. To see what I feel reflected back at me is such an incredible thing. Sometimes it is overwhelming and I get all emotional. I know surprise right? I’m not gonna say ‘he’s the one‘ because I’ve said that before. Honestly, having said it before I feel like it would diminish how I really feel. But this one is different. That’s all I can say.

He describes it to me as being best friends as well as partners. Ironically, I’ve never really felt like any of my previous exes were my best friend. lol Of course, I’ve been friends with my exes while we were together yet, I never felt like any of them were my best friends. Actually, I tend to be closer to several of them now that we apart. TFA and I are very close now, closer than we ever were when we were together.1  Apple guy and I are also closer in many ways now. I still care for him and want him happy. I am often his sounding board. Primarily I think because he knows I’m under no obligation to tell him what he wants to hear vs what I think the truth really is. But I digress, I tend to agree with The Pup in that we are besties as well as partners.

So, I’m totally 100% unequivocally in love. After Apple guy I’d kind of given up on the idea honestly. I enjoy being single so it wasn’t a bad thing. But, to have this thing with The Pup sneak in on me in the most unobtrusive way and be so incredibly new and different from anything before has been amazeballs! And yes, to answer the question on many lips, he is moving here. He was already leaning this way before we met but now it’s for sure.2

The funnies part of this is we’ve known each other online for years. I think we originally discovered each other Twitter. Anyway, we interacted a bit but it was never anything really persistent. He totally shot me down on more than one occasion when I tried to flirt with him too! *sounds of plane diving and crashing* Ok, to be fair, we did discuss it and from his perspective, we lived apart and had zero chance of doing anything so why bother. But yeah, he totally just scraped me off a few times.

Hope springs eternal…

  1. Speaking of, you better call me Mr! :p []
  2. I always seem to import my boyfriends. I think that might be a post for another day. []