Journal – 07.16.07

0945: Up early. I’ve been waking up early a lot lately. Not sure why. No new habits really. Sitting on the sofa in my pj’s checking email, watching tv, and updating twitter.

1045: I’m not feeling it today. I’m not depressed but, in one of those moods where I just can’t be bothered. I think I’m gonna call off work today. Need some me time. Sitting here remembering I have to fucking laundry. Ugh!

1230: Still haven’t dragged my lazy ass to the gym yet. Thinking I’ll go late today since I’m not working. Matthew just called and wants to have lunch. Nice distraction. He spent the whole time talking about his upcoming trip South of the city to work on a porn flick. (Behind the scenes, not as an actor) [Insert Charlie Brown Teacher segment here.]

1600: Went to Walgreens to get a granny cart. One reason I hate doing laundry is I hate packing it up/down the hill I live on. This will give me one less excuse to put it off so long. I really don’t know why I have such a mental block when it comes to this shit.

1630: Finally doing the shit. Sitting at Sit & Spin surfing net, flirting by text, and goofing off. I think I need to get laid. I’ve been good all weekend, no wonder I’m so cranky.

Deja Vu

Tonight I found myself sitting in the exact same spot where, 16 years ago, I almost took my life. I know you’re probably asking yourself, “WTF is he talking about?”. Well, I’m getting to it. And while it is a bit heavy, it’s on a good bent.

*

To start, let me back up a bit. I detoured thru Galveston today to pick up a friend who wanted to tag along w/me to see the clan. I’ve known Curtis going on 14 years now. I don’t often get to see him while I’m here so I figured I could kill two birds w/one stone. The bad news is he could only get one day off from work so I had to bring him back to Galveston. I originally planned to drive back into Houston and crash w/Trev however, the idea struck me to just get a cheapy hotel room and stay here. Galveston is actually 45 minutes closer to our place in the sticks. And yeah, I could have stayed w/Curtis but I was in a weird mood to be alone. Now I know why.

Isn’t it funny sometimes how life sorta plops you down somewhere w/o rhyme or reason. You are just toodling along and BAM! It hits you. It happened like that for me tonight. I didn’t spend much effort looking for a hotel. I grabbed the first one that looked good and showed “free wifi” on the marquee. As luck would have it, The Commoder Hotel fit the bill nicely. I park, drop the gear off, and then hit the beach. I’m walking out onto the dike to get a good blast of the water and salt air. At this point, I wasn’t really sure why my mood had turned so somber. I had a good day hanging out w/Curtis and the brother. Yet, I felt oddly familiar emotions boiling just beneath the surface of my id. I eventually chalked it up to old memories and kept walking. It wasn’t until I reached the end of the dike that it hit me.

This was the dike. The dike where 16 years ago I found myself seriously contemplating walking out into the ocean and just letting go of all the pain. I couldn’t believe it. How could I have forgotten? Better yet, what guided me to this very spot tonight? I stood there in complete disbelief at first. So many emotions fighting for dominance. I’m not really sure how long I stood there. After the shock wore off, I realized not only was I soaking wet (I’d been standing at the very end and the waves were splashing all over me), I was also crying. And as I stood there licking the salt water from my face, I realized I was crying not from sadness but happiness. Happy for so many reasons but the most obvious was that I had survived. Happy that I kept on going and made something of myself. Maybe not something great but something nonetheless. I sat down (after backing up a bit) and just let all the emotions wash over me. Towards the end, I began to feel a bit empty. I reached for my little piece of joy and there it was. Tucked away but still there as always just waiting for me to need it.

Ya know folks, I really have led a blessed life. Oh! And I think I realize now why I’m so drawn to the beach. It’s not just the waves and sun. It’s the connection that it reminds me of. The point in my life when I first found myself. How could I have missed that all these years.

No matter what happens tomorrow, this has been the best vacation I’ve ever taken.

Texas

I booked a flight home to see my youngest brother. My older brother is around but doesn’t have much to do w/me. Mostly his issues, such is life I guess. My oldest brother is off in Alabama working a new job. True to form, he has stopped responding to the rest of us. It will just be me and the little ‘bro’. Well, that and his kids. My afore mentioned nephew and niece whom I adore. Little Ricky just makes my heart melt every time I see him. But I digress. I helped raise my little brother. We’ve always been the closest. We email/text each other a lot and it’s nice to keep up w/him. For a long time I kept my family at a distance. With the passing of my father, we’ve sorta reconnected again. Some of us anyway. It’s nice getting to know my brother as a man vs the boy I remember.

The land that I used to refer to as “my parent’s place” is ‘our place’ now. I keep forgetting and referring to it in the former. It’s odd. I still don’t really see it as mine. I still think of it as my dad’s. I guess that’s normal, I dunno. I’m supposed to help rebuild a fence when I get back but I don’t think my brother wants to. hehehe. We’ll probably end up just hanging out, going hunting, fishing or stuff like that.

People who know me now don’t often see my country side. Other than my twang and slang that is. Most of my friends think I’m just headed to another city. My parent’s place Our place is out in the boonies of East TX. Even though, it’s not so boonies anymore as the place is growing like crazy. But for now, it’s still pretty hick’ified. My closest neighbor is half a mile away and our place sits between a natural gas pipeline and a 400 mile slew (open wooded space). Sounds exciting huh? lol

I am grateful that I grew up in the country. I think it has added to my perspective on life over the years and helped to keep me grounded. There is something to be said for growing up close the Earth and raising food/livestock for yourself. I didn’t understand it as a kid but as a man, I see it all too clearly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to live there however, I’ve learned to value my roots. (pun intended)

I guess my point in all these jabber is this. I used to dread going home. It was sort of like my once a year punishment. Now I look forward to it. The demons of my past are slowly falling away and in their place new memories are growing. The need to “get away” has left me. Ain’t life funny that way?

“Ding!” – Epiphany

This is probably the most significant post I’ll every write here. If you’ve ever wanted a first-hand view of my self-image, now’s your chance. Instead of making this a private post, I’ve decided to share it in an attempt to demonstrate what it is I struggle with. *I warn you, this is going to be a bit long winded so you might wanna grab some coffee.*

Before I start, let me just say thank you to my few faithful readers. Many of you go out of your way on a regular basis to boost my ego. For that, I am eternally grateful. I get many comments, often in private, asking why I am so hard or down on myself all the time. I’ve never really given it much thought until recently. With my growing feelings for someone, I find myself taking a much harder look at myself. Said person inspires me in ways I’ve never felt before. While he may not have my heart yet, he definitely has my admiration, respect, and attention. (And lets face it, keeping my attention is the hard part)

Ok, ok, I’m stalling. Cut me some slack here, I’m nervous. This is not the easiest post to write. The truth is, I’m hard on myself because I feel I have to be. I often see a clear confliction in how I value other’s kindness toward me and mine towards them. I think I understand why now. You see, being the person I am is still a choice for me. I didn’t grew up w/any sort of moral guidance. Kids are supposed to be given some sort of behavioral guideline to follow throughout life. It becomes ingrained as you grow older and eventually becomes the backbone of your convictions. Whether it be based on religious beliefs or accepted societal norms doesn’t matter. In my case, I just don’t feel that happened. I’ve always felt like an empty slate. I learned my perception of right and wrong from distant family, teachers, coaches, etc. Oddly enough, I got a huge chunk of my ideals from TV. I know what a shocker huh?! But, it’s true. I would often find myself emulating good TV stars. Never the bad ones, always the good ones. And I don’t mind telling you trying to ingrain these traits into my id as an adult has not been an easy task.

Among other things, my parents were selfish, petty, shallow, and even dishonest when it suited them. I was often told to do one thing while they did just the opposite. If you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you know I was NOT fond of my stepmother. In fact, she is the only person I’ve every truly hated. I blame her for a lot of my woes. And it’s not the physical abuse I remember. (Ok, that’s not exactly true. I remember the broken nose, the fists to the head, and the incident causing my deviated septum but the monotony of the daily beatings has faded away.) What I do remember most is living in a state of constant fear. Fear of never knowing what to do right. At best, my days were a confliction of events that left me paralyzed to rationalize my actions. Until finally one day the fear went away. In it’s place was left a cold dark emptiness. A place cold enough to allow me to almost kill my stepmother when I was only 12 years old. (She was a pill addict and I had a brilliant plan to dissolve a whole bottle of vicodin in one of her pepsi bottles. She was also addicted to soda.) I would have gotten away with it too. My father, siblings, relatives, all knew she was an addict. No one would have ever suspected me. I am deeply ashamed of that. I am grateful I never went thru with it. Instead, I continued on in misery.

Even though I couldn’t go through with it, the cold stayed w/me. I was a different person after that. And it scares me to this day. It gave me no qualms over lying, stealing, cheating, or anything else it took to survive. And yes, I have done things I am ashamed of. I can say I’ve never done anything I consider evil. I’m not vindictive. And I’ve never done things to hurt intentionally or out of some twisted sense of fun. But my life isn’t just about survival anymore. Yes, I choose not to be that person. Yet, I find myself plagued w/doubts over my progress. I know that cruel cold person is still inside me. I don’t dwell in it but it’s still there. I still have to choose to be a good person. It is not ingrained yet. And therein lies all my doubts. You are now privy to one of my deepest insecurities. I am in tears as I write this and I offer to you that I am ashamed.

*I had to take a break here. I’m back again…*

With all of that in mind, I still feel like my life has been blessed. As a child, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and shoes on my feet. There are those even in this country who can’t claim the same. Beyond that, there have been several sentinel moments where I felt things could have gone horribly unrepairably wrong. A good example would be my brush with god. (You should read it if you haven’t otherewise, you’ll miss perspective here.) It was a defining moment. That spark has stayed w/me ever since. It’s always there to give me that extra humph to better myself.

I know I’m taking a chance posting this but I don’t care. You wanted to know my perspective on things, well now you do. Comment if you like but it’s not required. It’s taken me over two hours to write this and I’m completely exhausted. I’m going to bed now.

Old Journals – 4.19.98

Ok, I’ve gotten a bit behind on my old journal posts. I plead for your mercy. I’ve been a very busy boy. This entry is significantly later on as I got distracted (yeah there’s a surprise) from my journaling.

In this enty, I find myself back in Houston and very happy about it at the time. I’d struggled very hard to make enough money to move as well as buy a car. Probably not the smartest move but it was very symbolic for me. A friend who managed the local bathouse gave me a job working the counter and catering the bbq’s on weekends. My thoughts were still very chaotic and my goals pretty much non-existent. I think I was still hoping for something to just fall it in my lap and make it all better. And while I was still missing the bigger picture, every time I sat down to journal a few more things would come into focus. All was not lost. . .

4.19.98
Well it’s been a very long time since I’ve written in this thing. I haven’t been keeping up like wanted but here I am again making the effort. I have come to a decision. I have no self-control when it comes to choosing what I want to do vs what I need/should be doing. That is something I need to work on a lot!

I’m back in Houston! I am so happy to be back. Even though I’m not working yet, I am still glad to be home. I’ve so missed all of my friends. However, as I feared, I’ve fallen back into alot of my old habits again. I’m trying though. I think I’ve made some very important realizations about myself. Now, I just need to work on the changes. I’ve started studing HTML alot. I need to study even harder if I want to learn it thoroughly. I’m getting concepts down right now and then I want to work on actual application next. I need to have a focus to help increase my self-control. I have no control sometimes when I should. I will work on it.
Continue reading Old Journals – 4.19.98

Insight

Wow! So many kind words. Thank you to everyone. I hope it did provide some insight. Many of the emails expressed shock that I would share such deeply personal feelings. I offer them freely w/o reservation in the hope that someone can learn from my growing pains and mistakes. The last entry was a collage of rather chaotic thoughts from a time in my life when I didn’t have any focus. I knew my life was out of control and was struggling to make sense of it. I hadn’t yet found the impetus to push me in the right direction. This only seemed to make my situation worse.

Al’s comment was particularly touching. The simple truth in his words really affected me. I forget to look at myself from the outside at times. I really am becoming the person that I’d like to date. Someone that can offer qualities that I seek in others. I guess I needed someone to point that out to me.

I often talk about my goals and where I hope to eventually be in my life but I don’t really see myself there yet. Or I guess I don’t ‘feel it’ yet. Don’t ge me wrong, I know w/o a doubt that I am kind and compassionate person. These traits are deeply embedded in my id. I also am discovering I have an innate sense of fairness. I like to see a problem from both sides. Lacking is the assurance of self that only comes from within. An assurance normally imparted as a child. However, in my case, something I’m learning as an adult. A hard task indeed. With that is the realization of character. And I am realizing that about myself. Slowly but surely, it’s sinking past the conscious to the subconscious. Hopefully, one day it will take root and become permanent. As I’m fond of saying, hope springs eternal…

Old Journals – 2.15.97

Ok, I’ve calmed down a bit and back on tract. I was all set to talk about my old journals before going off on a tangent.

This entry is particularly painful for me. The irony, even when I was losing hope I was still hopeful. How is that for confusing.

While writing this entry I was on a plane from Boulder to Texas for my vacation. I’d saved enough money to afford the plane ticket. I didn’t have a single credit card then. My boss from my previous job in TX had gotten me an interview w/his new company and I was on my way to make an impression. This was probably the only thing keeping my spirits up. I was really becoming alienated even though I had caring people all around me. I was also still waiting for Mr. Right to come along and miracuously fix my life. I hadn’t yet realized no one could fix my life but me. It’s funny, in some ways I was opening up and others I was closing myself off. I never saw that until now. I was so focused on not being happy in Boulder, I think I actually stopped giving it a chance. I had so much pain that carried over from my childhood and no matter how hard I pushed it away, it always seeped back in somehow. I wasn’t mature enough to face it and hande it. I’m amazed at times I survived at all.

2.15.97 Continue reading Old Journals – 2.15.97

Old Journals – 1.16.97

As promised, here is another journal from way back when. Not much had changed since the first except the desire to move home had intensified. It was obvious I felt alone. I felt trapped by my life and helpless at times to change it. I’d focused my energies on getting back to Texas. I just knew if I could get home everything would be all right again. (Not really the case but perception is 9/10 of reality they say.) The poem references a new friend I’d made. His name was Aubry. We lost touch a couple of years after I moved away but I still miss him in my life. He was the one thing that kept me sane thru my despair.

1.16.97
It’s been 15 days since I last wrote here. Not a whole lot new to tell. I am working out again. I haven’t done much metaphysical work lately. I guess my exercise is work enough. At least I’m doing something. I have been really really busy. I’ve come to realize I want to move back home. I miss everything! I talked to Steve today. NHP doesn’t have any positions right now. He is going to send me a paper on Sunday so I can look around with other companies. I came across a poem today that I kinda like. Here goes…
Continue reading Old Journals – 1.16.97