No, not sad. Turned down. A reader asked what were1 some of the reasons I turn down dates (or sex) and how I respond. Not always an easy answer as we live in a society who’s technological advancements are outpacing our ethical ability to keep up.

I’d have to say a big reason I turn down dates or “connections” would be drugs. I get turned down just as much for not being ok with drugs. There is no place in my life for drugs and it is one of the few absolute deal-breakers for me. I have no problem with pot but I hate the smell just as much as ciggies and cigars. I could never seriously date (much less kiss) anyone who smelled like those things. Plenty of my friends do both but they also know my feelings on the subject. I can separate my ability to be friends with someone from their habits.

Even though it’s in virtually all my online profiles, I still guys that hit me up for pnp or to “smoke a bowl.” Just last week a guy got really bent out of shape on Scruff because I wouldn’t come over and top him while he was getting high.2 He was indignant and kept wanting me to explain why. After like the umpteeth message, I finally lost my temper and ignored him.

I had another younger guy hit me up and again acted all indignant that I could possible say no (for any reason) to him. Bless his heart. He was pretty but not my type at all. He couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around someone older saying no to him. On a small tangent, I seem to attract a lot more younger guys than I used to. While there are always exceptions, I’m not attracted to young guys as a norm. Hell, even when I was young I wasn’t into young guys. I guess I as I’m reaching the ‘daddy’ phase it is to be expected. And I can still be appreciative even if it isn’t my cup of tea. But if you go off on a rant about how you’re basically god’s gift to me because your young and pretty, well that ain’t gonna buy you any points. 

As to how, I usually try to take the sting out of it by politely declining the interest along with a small tidbit of conversation. The tidbit often helps diffuse the awkwardness and allows us to move past it. Whether online or in person, I try to be respectful and polite when I can. I say when I can because there are times I can’t always reply. And it doesn’t always work but that’s how I try to handle it. As I’ve always said, I recognize the distinction between being attracted to someone and being accepting of someone. Just because I don’t wanna swap spit doesn’t mean I can’t be civil or even chat with you. We might even end up friends. I also try not to be the guy who say’s he’ll call and never does. If I ask for your number, it is because I earnestly want to see you again. If you offer me your number and I know it’s not gonna happen, I usually try to politely decline. I’d rather you take a small offense up front than expect a call that never comes. I haven’t always been able to carry thru on this last one but I’m getting better at it.

Sometimes, I just ignore online requests. Especially if it is obvious the person hasn’t even read my profile. Besides that, there are times when I can’t possibly reply to everyone. Be it too many responses, I’m only online for a few minutes, the person is thousand of miles away, whatever the reason, it’s just simple math. As more apps and ways to connect instantly emerge, it makes it harder to answer every single point of interest. Ignoring responses that don’t interest me can be just as effective as a reply. As mentioned in a previous rant, rejection can be hard but often unavoidable. I don’t take it personal if someone doesn’t reply to me. I don’t get bent out of shape. I can be disappointed w/o being bitter over it.

Beyond that, I don’t really have a big revelation. It really depends on the individual and the connection I feel. I try to be polite and honest.

I can’t tell you why others turn me down because I don’t ask. If there isn’t a match, the reason is irrelevant.

  1. I seem to be getting a lot questions lately. Is there some sort of Q&A meme going around? Not that I’m complaining mind you… []
  2. There is also my job to consider. It opens up several tricky ethical questions that I’d just rather avoid all together. []