Ok, I’ve calmed down a bit and back on tract. I was all set to talk about my old journals before going off on a tangent.
This entry is particularly painful for me. The irony, even when I was losing hope I was still hopeful. How is that for confusing.
While writing this entry I was on a plane from Boulder to Texas for my vacation. I’d saved enough money to afford the plane ticket. I didn’t have a single credit card then. My boss from my previous job in TX had gotten me an interview w/his new company and I was on my way to make an impression. This was probably the only thing keeping my spirits up. I was really becoming alienated even though I had caring people all around me. I was also still waiting for Mr. Right to come along and miracuously fix my life. I hadn’t yet realized no one could fix my life but me. It’s funny, in some ways I was opening up and others I was closing myself off. I never saw that until now. I was so focused on not being happy in Boulder, I think I actually stopped giving it a chance. I had so much pain that carried over from my childhood and no matter how hard I pushed it away, it always seeped back in somehow. I wasn’t mature enough to face it and hande it. I’m amazed at times I survived at all.
2.15.97
I am on the plan for Houston. My vacation is here at last. I am anxious to get home and interview for a job at home. I am over living in Colorado. I am barely making ends meet every month. Ironically, I have met Aubry. He is such a wonderful person. I will regret not giving our friendship a chance to develop. We have so much in common. Maybe we can stay in touch. Oh who am I kidding, we barely know each other. He has his life and I have mine. It doesn’t hurt to ask. . .
My talks w/Emily are making me see things more clearly. By talking about my troubles with her, I am able to understand myself better. I shall miss her most of all if I move home. I hope this interview goes well. I want to move home really bad.
I haven’t been doing my metaphysical work at all. I really need to focus on this. I do know that if I end up living with Emily, she will help me focus alot more. She is good for me. I see alot of reasons to stay but I am not happy here. I need to be where there is more interaction with gays. Being here has made me see how much Houston has to offer. I hope I am making the right decision in moving home. On the one side, I have a good job and I really enjoy it. It is stressful but I can cope. The organizational book I bought is really helping me manage my workload alot better. Everyone likes & accepts me. I like everyone too (except for Sammye). I could learn to get along with her if she would quit being such a bitch! I am making some really good friends and I even met a really nice guy. I am not too sure if he likes me as a friend or more yet but I suspect more. The downside is I barely have any money left over at the end of each month. I have no furniture and I need new clothes, work and play. There aren’t as many gays here and alot of them are cliquish. If I stay and it doesn’t work out what next? God I am so lonely. Why can’t I be happy for once. I am so tired of the bathouse scene. I want a lover who excites me emotionally and physically. Pat handled the emotional part but the physical was lacking. I am so dreadfully alone. I now realize I have been alone emotionally most of my life. I can’t remember the last time someone hugged me. I take the bad damnit, but where is the good? I couldn’t have chosen this life just to suffer constantly. Oh my god, what if I did? What if I chose this life to learn about suffering? Thats just too horrible a thought to contemplate. A whole life of constantly aching inside. I don’t think I could bear that. I know I didn’t survive the crash and the anguish of M****’s death just to end up being miserable my whole life.
I want someone to love me as much as I love them. Is that asking too much? I meet people all the time, where is mr right? [something here I can’t read] Why can’t I find him or he me? Another reason for moving home is the sheer # of gays in Houston. I have so much more to choose from. But is that enough motivation to quit and move home? That and the high cost to live here. I am leaning more and more in that direction every day. I really want to think this through. I don’t want to keep making a hasty decision and then regret it later. I need to get my life on track & plan some long term goals. I can’t do that however, until I decide where I am going to be.
Pat called yesterday. Right out of the blue. He called to tell me how HE was doing. No real concern or feeling. It felt like a courtesy call after 2 months of no contact. A call just to inform me about his life. He didn’t even ask how I was doing. As much as I miss him, it was a wise decision for us to call it quits.
‘God I am so lonely. Why can’t I be happy for once?”
I can’t say how many times I have said this in my lifetime and oddly enough still do at times. Life is truly a journey Moby, isn’t it. Much like you, I am realizing things even at my age and looking for Mr. Right…not Mr. Perfect. No such thing. We all have imperfections. Some powerful thoughts and feelings in that journal entry.
Just to echo tony a little bit, I’ve said some of the very same things myself. About being lonely, about did I choose a life of suffering before I was born.
My realization came a few years ago, about facing challenges is it’s about not giving up. That’s quite a challenge for me, being diagnosed depressed in some serious ways. But…I keep trying, and that’s what I learned. I may not feel successful, I may not have “mr. right”, I may not feel good about myself, but I keep trying. Even when my brain tells me to tuck tail and go home and pull the covers over my head.
Thanks for sharing your old journals!
“I meet people all the time, where is mr right”?
Thankfully at that point, nowhere near.
As it is clear you have done a lot of work to be ready to offer yourself something that, although may have been right in one sense, it would have never allowed you to arrive at the place you are now.
Where the title of “mr. right” is not only one you can refer to another by, it is clear someone else can now refer to you that way.
And that’s the beauty of reflection after doing what you knew you needed to.
Man talk about hitting home. I wrestle with this one myself. To move to find more men. For a capital of a state Albany had diddly squat. But I have reasons to stay so I relent.
As always thanks for sharing.