Sad & Confused

Today’s post is a bit morbid.

I found out someone I know committed suicide this past week. While we weren’t overly close, I’m still a bit upset. He was a good person and very charismatic. He had the sort of personality that just draws people to him. We met back when I was still new to the city. After a brief fling, we became friends and I even had a hand in him meeting his lover. Life was going good for him, so I thought. I’ve heard that he was battling w/clinical depression which may have led to his death. I don’t know all the details but that is what I’ve discovered so far.

I’m conflicted on the act of suicide. Ultimately, I don’t think it is the answer. But, who am I to judge? I have not forgotten being at that very precipice 19 years ago myself. For me, it wasn’t clinical but a depression brought on by feeling utterly alone in the world. The one person who loved me unconditionally was taken from me in a horrible car accident. I watched him die. Unlike most pains of the soul, depression tends to not clear up w/thime. If anything, it gets worse. It eats away at you until that is all you see. It is then the idea of suicide becomes a very real means to escape.

I am thankful every day, I found the strength to keep on living. That moment not only changed my life, it has stayed w/me to this very day. I made a choice then as I do every day to keep on living. Sadly, not everyone does or can make the same choice. Depression and misery taint the very core of our being. It leaves a mark so profound I would argue it is impossible to ever truly get over.

So, do I judge my friend for taking his own life? No, I don’t. I can’t. I just hope he found release from the pain that tormented him in this life. Who knows, maybe he chose this life for that very reason. His success at the lessons chosen is not for me to decide. All I can do is remember the good in him and continue my resolve to survive my own shortcomings.

My friend, where ever you are right now, you are loved and most definitely NOT forgotten.

18 thoughts on “Sad & Confused”

  1. I’m sorry for your loss. Losing anyone in our lives, no matter how casual the relationship, always takes a little piece of us with them.

  2. *big hug*
    I’ve been on both sides of the suicide issue. I’m grateful that I never went through with it. I’m also sad when I think of my friend who actually went through with it.

  3. I am really sorry to hear about your friend. My father chose to end his life after a very hard fought battle w/cancer. It’s always hard for those left behind because we’re left to ask unanswered questions. I’m sure he knew how you felt.

  4. My thoughts are with you.

    You’re right, those who suffer from that deepest of depressions never really heal. Even with drugs and therapy, it is easy recall and remember those inky black feelings that bring us/them to that point of suicide. It’s never an easy thing.

    Your honesty is refreshing

  5. I’m sorry, Moby. I am often full of wonder, at the secrets of the heart and of nature. Your friend’s life was obviously too short and yet perhaps he had had simply had his quota of the intensity of it … both joy and pain. Depression causes shadows which colour everything bleak. Sometimes there is a jagged line between breath and annihilation. You will never forget your friend, and in that act there is belonging for both of you.

  6. been there, almost done that. grateful as hell i didn’t. but you’re right, the depression often never leaves. being bipolar, my depression does actually leave, but it’s replaced by a monster that’s even harder to control. so i look forward to the downs, more than the ups. better living through chemistry has been quite effective for me. yes i am a managed personality. but we all manage. don’t we?

    be good to yourself. turn lights off, open a window, and drink a hot cup of tea.

  7. Sorry for your loss. I think experiencing the loss of someone close has helped me not to take those same steps. It helps one to realize the fruitlessness of it and the pain it causes.

  8. I’m deeply sorry about your loss.
    Losing someone that touched your life is really painful, and ir could be even more painful in a situation like this.
    Being upset? Definitely. Being even angry? Of course! To judge him? I think no one could. Lots of us (if no everyone of us) have been in there. And no matter belief, social status, sexual orientation; depression is always an tough opponent, and sometimes is too much strong.

    I hope he found relief, and I hope he knew how much was he loved.

    And I hope you’re feeling better with the passing of the days.

    *huge hug*

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