Old Man

In the last year I’ve had several interactions either in person or online with younger guys behaving poorly when I didn’t return their affections/advances. Many of their not so nice replies often revolved around my age or lack of hair when they didn’t get the answer they were hoping for. As it either of those things would injure me in any way. 

One particular guy online started adding  “old man” to the end of all his comments, as if I was somehow hurt or injured by it. Of course, the less I got upset the more intense he became. I finally took pity on him and asked if he thought he was accomplishing anything. He ignored my question and kept at it until I started sending him random old man shots from the web.1  Every time he said it, I sent him another picture. He got upset and told me to stop, yet he kept adding “old man” each time. And he continued to get another pic. Realizing he wasn’t going to bait me into an argument, he gave up.

Weeks go by and I get another reply from him. This time he is polite and asked, “what’s wrong with me?”  Since he appeared to be trying to make amends I took the time to reply:

Let me first say, there is nothing wrong with you. Nada, zero, zip. You are a nice looking young man. The fact I am not personally attracted to you for nookie doesn’t negate any of your positive qualities. We are just not a match. I am literally old enough to be your father. That doesn’t work for me. But honestly, the reason(s) shouldn’t matter. You should never assume something is ‘wrong with you” over a lack of interest. Not everyone can be your type and as such, you can’t be everyone’s type. Rejection is a part of life and learning how to handle it will make you stronger as a person. 

He went on to apologize more earnestly and thanked me for offering wisdom. Normally, I would have just blocked him but I get in a mood at times where I am not to be tested. Since I’m not actually angry at the other person, I routinely ‘win’ these little battles as I can have the patience of a saint when I don’t really mind no “winning.” 

I kinda figured fewer young guys would go thru it now that we have more visibility. I guess I was wrong. I must admit I don’t understand it. Ok, well maybe I do. I mean I understand it stems from insecurity over being rejected. I get that part, but when has lashing out at said interest every worked to lure them back?  I won’t say with 100% certainity I never did that, but I honestly don’t ever remember having behaved that way. And we all know what a f**ked up mess I was back then. I do remember getting my feelings hurt quite often for many of the same reasons. I internalized  it and made it about me self-worth vs just attraction. Over the years as learned to value my self-worth differently, the anger, hurt, and pain went away. 

As for guys my age I think a lot of them struggle at this point. They aren’t the youngest or prettiest anymore and it’s intimidating. Interactions they took for granted no longer present themselves so readily. It can sting for sure. I’ve seen it play out for years. I’m grateful I’ve come far enough to avoid such trappings. It only services to make you sad and/or bitter. I’m grateful my self-worth and confidence are no longer based on how much attention I get. And if you find yourself in that category, learn from your mistakes. If you value your self-worth based on attraction, you’re doing it all wrong. Or, as the saying goes, “that’s not how this works…that’s not how any of this works!.” 




  1. They were of the biblical sense. I figured I’d return his generosity. []

46

Well, it’s finally happened. I’ve crossed the threshold. Now that I’m 46 I’m closer to 50 than 40. In gay culture, I’m officially ancient. hehehe  It doesn’t help that my birthday is on inauguration day. I promptly did my best to avoid that shit show! It wasn’t easy considering all the protests.

I don’t get sad or depressed on my birthday. I never quiet understood that but it hasn’t happened to me. I certainly hope it never does. Anyway, Shawn was actually away on work. I was off on the big day but my co-workers made me a whole batch of oatmeal raisin cookies at work. They know my weakness. And yes I ate them all in 2 days. Time to do more cardio.

The big day was pretty quiet. I spent time with da Cooper and just being a home body. I made it to Starbucks to get my freebie drink. Shawn was away for work but came home early Saturday. He booked tickets for us to go see Kathy Griffin! I love me some Kathy G and have been to her shows several times. She was hilarious as ever. She is starting a new tour and was trying out new material. Her show ran long which was a blessing as it was raining cats and dogs all damn evening. One new element was a lot of new references to older hollywood stars. A big part of her schtick is calling out famous celebrities and if you’re under 30 many of the jokes and stories might be lost on you this tour. Being a geezer now of course, I got most of them. hehehe  She was funny and irreverant as ever. It was a great gift.

Shawn got me one more gift in Sharks tickets. We went this past Thusday for a home game down in San Jose. Hockey is one of the only sports I truly enjoy. I enjoy it enough I’ll even watch it on tv. Live games are always great. Shawn thought it would make a nice gift for me, and he was right. I actually used to go a lot when I first moved to SF. The problem is San Jose is at least an hour and half away by car. You can make it in just over an hour by train if you catch the bullet. Sadly, the only trains back aren’t bullets and it’s an hour and half home. It’s an effort to get off work in time to get down to SJ in time for the game. I just slowly stopped going as the effort was just too much. But, it is a fun event and I like that Shawn has an interest in hockey and we can enjoy it together. Anway, the game was pretty good even though the Sharks ended up losing. They are top of their Division right now and doing really well in the Westeren Conference as well.

As mentioned above, I am not saddened as I get older. In some ways I’m fortunate. I didn’t feel like I ‘lost’ my childhood and it was so awful I don’t really miss it. I survived more in the first 25 years of my life than most people do in a lifetime. What’s to be sad about? I’m back in great shape. I’d dare say the best shape of my life. I’ve backed a few lbs of muscle this last year and shed some of the gut I’d built up from complacency. I have a stable job, a roof over my head, a hubby and a doggie that both love me. *Knock on wood*  I’m very fortunate at this point in my life and I’m still relishing it even though it isn’t really new anymore.

So no, I’m not sad to be getting older. I like my growing wrinkles and grey hairs. I don’t blur or “fix” them in my photos/selfies. Wrinkles are often a sign of a life lived IMO. Granted, I do wish the muscles and joints were a bit more flexible. hehehe  I am definitely noticing a difference at the gym. I am not a young man anymore and my joints/ligaments aren’t either. I won’t say it’s harder to workout now as much as it requires some modification. I can’t push my joints/ligaments with abandon like I did as a younger man. They don’t bounce back as quickly and if I push them too far, they break. Case and point, I’ve been fighting tendinitis in both my forearms/elbows like never before.1  I finally had to take time off from working my arms to let them heal. I’m also modifying my workouts to accommodate the fact I can’t just push heavier and heavier weights to gain muscle. There are different ways to burn out the muscles and stimulate muscle growth. I’m trying to be smart about it and have challenging workouts w/o hurting myself.

In my mind I don’t feel 46. If I had to pick age age, I still feel like I’m 30. I think I’m fixated on my 30’s because it wasn’t until then I achieved a level of income beyond just survival. I’m 30 but with 16 more years of wisdom. hehehe  Now if I could just get my joints to feel that way! On the flip side, I have become a huge homebody these last few years. One of Shawn and I’s resolutions for this year was to get out and do more. It doesn’t have to be lots of trips and expenses, but get out be active more. Going to hockey games is a good start!

I’m 46 and making another trip around the sun above ground. For someone who never I’d even see my 40’s, I’m looking forward to another successful trip around the sun. And as always, hope springs eternal…




  1. One arm appears to be healed up []

Too Old

I’ve reached an age where people have started asking me “if I’m too old for [insert behavior] that.” One of the biggest is video games. Let me just say, anytime you ask someone if they are too old for video games, you clearly don’t play video games. If you played with any level of frequency, you’d know better. Most video games are made for young men but they appeal to a broad spectrum of players. And with ‘mobile’ eating into the console market, it will only get broader.

As I’ve mentioned here, I don’t mind aging. I don’t have a desire to chase my youth, as the phrase goes. The shortest answer I can give anyone is I’ll be too old when I’m bored or dead. Beyond that, I just giggle and keep going. And honestly, even if the person is too old for something, if they are happy and not hurting anyone, who cares? I kind of used to be that way. There was this guy back home that dressed like he was a teenager. He was well into his 40’s at the time and it was painfully obvious. I admit I kinda looked down on him a bit. I thought he was trying to hold onto his childhood. But so what if he was. He never harmed me or anyone else by it. And he seemed happy. Shame on me for looking down on him. Being an adult doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or do things you enjoyed as a child/teenager.

To date, I’ve been asked if I’m too old to: ride motorcycles, rollerblade, play video games, watch cartoons, wear tshirts, and even to blog. There are more but you get the point. Who sets these arbitrary age limits anyway? hehehe Anyway, while I’ll probably stop riding motorcycle/rollerblades some day, I’m no where near that day yet. I love cartoons, albeit animated movies mostly these days. I’ll play video games until they bore me or my fingers are too gnarled to mange a controller. I will always wear tshirts and who knows how long I will continue to blog. I will say I won’t give up on anything because someone thinks I’m too old.

 

45

Guess who’s year older today? Me!  lol  Forty five years old and still going strong.

Funny, in a lot of ways I don’t feel 45. I’ve always felt young for my age so that really isn’t a surprise. I thought I would have grown into it by now though. haha  In other ways, I definitely feel 45. After my last rant about my back, I’m clearly not as spry as a I used to be. My body, against my best wishes, is starting to show its age. The grey that used to be just in my hair has taken over my beard and is encroaching on my chest. Is it normal for grey hairs to travel down the torso as one ages? I always thought it started at the bottom and worked its way up? My wrinkles are a little deeper and a little larger in number. Anyway, I don’t mind my age. I certainly don’t resent it. I know a lot of gay men start missing their youth to the point of distraction around this time. Not me. Sure, I wish my body was still younger but aging is part of the human condition. I like my wrinkles and grey hair. And unlike some, I don’t feel inferior or less relevant as an aging gay man.

But let’s face it, much of our original culture revolved around being young and attractive.1  Actually, it’s even simpler than that. It revolves around sexual attraction. In that regard, when you delve past the differences, straight men really aren’t that far removed. I realize I’m generalizing here. I’m not attempting to marginalize all of us into one category. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, a lot of guys around my age and older grew up fighting for an identity as well as being accepted. Of course, also being men into other men, sex and sexuality was a big part of our emerging culture. Sadly, many of us developed coping-mechanisms to compensate for our struggles. Many of those coping-mechanisms became wide spread and part of our culture over time. But being part of our culture doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy for us. On a tangent, it isn’t surprising really. We had to overcome stereotypes that portrayed us as weak and inferior on top of fighting to find acceptance in society. Our ‘culture’ grew out of abandonment, rejection, and an underlying need to belong. And mixed in with all of that was fear, anger, loneliness, and desire. The sexual freedom became a trap many of us couldn’t escape.

For myself, I was very insecure as a young man. I found my validation thru sex. And without realizing it, it became a very compulsive habit. It was a fix for a need I could never satisfy. It became a viscious circle and I consider myself very fortunate to not only have discovered this in myself but also be able to overcome it. A success due in no small part to my blogging. And most surprisingly of all, I found strength in myself.2  That strength allowed me to let go of detrimental coping-mechanisms and move on. I can tick off a list of areas in my life where I found the most growth. Realizing my self-worth should come from within instead of how I was perceived by others was one of them. Frankly, I see gay men all the time who have yet to realize this. You can’t overcome what you don’t see as a problem. They often just grow bitter with age over what they perceive to have lost and resent it. Or more astutely, they resent those who still have it.

So here I sit a 45 years old. My life isn’t perfect and neither am I. But I like my life and who I am. I have regrets but they are overshadowed by my accomplishments. I still look forward to my future. In the best of ironies, when I was younger I never thought I’d live to be very old. Now I find myself looking forward to old age.




  1. I say original culture because it is definitely changing now []
  2. To this day, I still get a little surprised to have found it in myself []