Up or Down


Vacation last week was very uneventful after TFA left. Well, that isn’t exactly true. We had a little drama but it was mostly self-induced. I learned something about myself though. For all my growing these past 4 years, I still have a ways to go.

The night before he left, TFA walled himself off from me. I could literally see the barriers come crashing down. He withdrew from me for a few days afterwards and it drove me nuts. The why doesn’t really matter as we’ve already worked thru it. It was only indirectly related to me. After talking about it later, I think we’ve crossed the last hurdle between us. The reason I bring it up is because what happened afterwards. After he left, I felt miserable. I started thinking some pretty negative thoughts and acting on my old fears. One of the biggest fears I struggle with is “am I enough?“. I know where it comes from so no need to beat that horse again. However, it is a fear that has plagued me my whole adult life. Sometimes to the point of crippling my ability to move beyond it. Surprised?

So I found myself thinking familiar thoughts. What did I do? Did I say or do something out of line? Was I overly attentive? Was I attentive enough? Did he change his mind about how he felt about me? Was he disappointed? Did I not measure up? Basically, I was beating myself up wondering what I had done wrong. For two days I put myself thru this. Being off work only made it worse as I had nothing to distract me.1 However, the morning of day three I snapped out of it. Reason and sanity prevailed.

I remembered I am a good man. I have my faults, sure enough. However, I have worked very hard to be a good man and to have the qualities in myself I desire in another. I have a lot to offer someone. And, my ability to love is boundless. If he can’t see or accept it, for whatever reason, then that isn’t my issue at all. So I gave up on my little pity party and felt better. No matter what happened, I was confident in myself again. The irony was he called me right after and told me what was going on. Turns out, it had nothing to do with me at all. 2

When I was younger, the pity party would have continued. I would not have snapped out of it. This incident has shown me I have, in fact, grown quite a bit. I still need some work but hey, don’t we all? lol I’m a little proud of myself actually. I’m beginning to look beyond the old fears and actually take stock in my own self-worth. A nice feeling.

All this coming up has shown me something else. I’ve fallen for him. Maybe not the deep abiding love that comes from being nurtured and reforged over time but love in its infancy. The line has been crossed for me. A good feeling but a scary one.

  1. Well, there was the new Ratchet & Clank game. []
  2. Ok, that isn’t true either. His developing feelings for me were involved but not the heart of the problem. []

10 thoughts on “Up or Down”

  1. I love a good, emotional, heart wrenching story like this….makes us so alive, our heart strings on our sleeves, for us and everyone else to see. I’m afraid that the hurdles will continue….not only for you, but for all of us. They are simply a part of life. But the more we practice how to jump them, the better we get at identifying them and clearing them with ease and grace. Happier days ahead. You sound like you’re doing fantastic, which is great news.

  2. First… glad you were not harmed in the quake… second… life is up and downs as is relationships… just go with what you feel is most comfortable and take a risk… best to risk now rather than “wonder if” later… take life one day at a time… that is all life will give you… smooches!

  3. Of course you are a good man and you have tons to offer. Not only to TFA, but to the rest of us as well. Just by posting this, you have helped me look at things going on in my own life.

    It’s interesting that we are going through similar journeys at the same time.

    And I have great respect for you for not giving up all the details. The particulars are nobody’s business but you and TFA

  4. Yeah, what Tony said. I still struggle with “what did I do wrong”? I always assume it’s all about me. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Thanks for sharing.

  5. “One of the biggest fears I struggle with is ‘am I enough?'”
    “Sometimes to the point of crippling my ability to move beyond it.”

    When true feelings are involved, I don’t know anyone who isn’t plagued by these exact feelings. I am glad you didn’t withdraw and push him away. (As some of us do!)

    It is all just a defense mechanism that we use to prevent ourselves from having to possibly feel those bad feelings that could be one of the outcomes! I don’t let anyone inside and I REALLY have to work on that!

    Good luck and you know I am rooting for yas!

  6. Fear is a stigma that has plagued me as well. Whenever something, most usually relationship, goes wrong, I resort to this what-did-I-do-wrong mentality to justify the someone else’s behavior. But I have realized over the years that only when someone has struck my heart chord do I feel this way, which is, not really a bad thing. Just don’t like this fear to imprison you.

  7. Kudos for snapping out of that questioning of self. Why beat yourself up when so many are ready to do so for you? May your love and relationship prosper.

  8. Moby…all I can say after reading your post is De’Ja Vu…deja vu! Some of this is exactly my interactions with “J”…only some of the variable are different. Oddly enough, we had a little incident about three weeks ago. I think we’ve gotten through it. If it had happened to me two years ago…I probably would have unglued. Now, I said to myself exactly what you said to yourself, “It ain’t my problem.”

    I hope the ‘ride’ for you only gets better, truly!

  9. Ooo– falling for a guy, and a transient one at that. I really hope it works out and that you are happy. Making yourself happy is VERY important in life.

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