Today’s post is a bit morbid.
I found out someone I know committed suicide this past week. While we weren’t overly close, I’m still a bit upset. He was a good person and very charismatic. He had the sort of personality that just draws people to him. We met back when I was still new to the city. After a brief fling, we became friends and I even had a hand in him meeting his lover. Life was going good for him, so I thought. I’ve heard that he was battling w/clinical depression which may have led to his death. I don’t know all the details but that is what I’ve discovered so far.
I’m conflicted on the act of suicide. Ultimately, I don’t think it is the answer. But, who am I to judge? I have not forgotten being at that very precipice 19 years ago myself. For me, it wasn’t clinical but a depression brought on by feeling utterly alone in the world. The one person who loved me unconditionally was taken from me in a horrible car accident. I watched him die. Unlike most pains of the soul, depression tends to not clear up w/thime. If anything, it gets worse. It eats away at you until that is all you see. It is then the idea of suicide becomes a very real means to escape.
I am thankful every day, I found the strength to keep on living. That moment not only changed my life, it has stayed w/me to this very day. I made a choice then as I do every day to keep on living. Sadly, not everyone does or can make the same choice. Depression and misery taint the very core of our being. It leaves a mark so profound I would argue it is impossible to ever truly get over.
So, do I judge my friend for taking his own life? No, I don’t. I can’t. I just hope he found release from the pain that tormented him in this life. Who knows, maybe he chose this life for that very reason. His success at the lessons chosen is not for me to decide. All I can do is remember the good in him and continue my resolve to survive my own shortcomings.
My friend, where ever you are right now, you are loved and most definitely NOT forgotten.