Category: me

Hand Injury

I can’t remember if I mentioned it but I injured my hand a week or so ago. I went to the doc yesterday. I was a tad scared I had fractured it. As it turns out, I tore a tendon across my 3rd finger on my left hand. Nothing major apparently and the doc says while my hand may swell a bit from typing too much, its not serious enough to worry about any long term problems. Good news considering how typing I do w/my job. The fact that I have a mild case of carpel tunnel syndrome in that arm made it look worse than it was.

The odd part is it only seems to bother me while typing. I can work out and do most tasks w/o any discomfort. I wonder how many folks would kill for an injury like that! lol

Surreality

Ain’t made up words great? Sometimes the words that really exist just don’t sound as nice. So ‘surreality’ is my made up word for the day. Coming from white trash means, I’m allowed to do that.

So anyway, I was struck by such a sense of ‘surreality’ today while riding Muni. [1]Muni is our public transit subway. I’m riding Muni along looking at all the advertisements that had been defaced. Pretty much every ad from West Portal to Castro was marked up in one form or another. All except the gay one. I forget what the ad was for but it was the only one not marked up. The irony was so overwhelming I burst out laughing. I’m sure everyone thought I was nuts be thats another story. For all my previous whining about the breeder invasion, I forget sometimes what a surreal environment I live in.

SF has a huge gay/lesbian population packed into a very small area. On top of that, it is probably one of the most progressive and tolerant cities in the nation to live. From a personal perspective, I’d feel safe walking around in about 80% of the city. The other 20% I don’t think being gay would matter, I’d be in trouble either way. *g* I can’t think of any other US city I’d feel that safe in as a gay man. And lets not forget our straight mayor, whether you agree w/his tactics or not, who put a face on the struggle for equal rights. Equal rights not just for the thousands of gays/lesbians in California but for the millions of our brethern all across America.

So for all my whining about the Castro, there is still no other place I’d prefer to live.

References

References
↑1 Muni is our public transit subway.

Itty Bitty Details

Forgetting the depressing stuff for a moment, I’ve noticed I have this horrible habit of giving out extraneous details during conversation. For example, I’m having lunch today w/some friends in the Castro and I needed to go to the restroom to wash my hands. Instead of just saying “pardon me for a moment“, I had to give out all the details. “Excuse me, I need to run to use the bathroom and wash my hands.” Like they really cared WHY I was going. And not an hour later I did it again. We were walking by Walgreens and I’m like “I need to run into Walgreens real quick as I need to pick up some face cream and finger nail clippers”. I’m sure they could care less exactly what I needed. I can’t help but giggle here.

While I don’t necessarily consider this a character flaw per say, it can be annoying habit. I think part of it stems from the fact I am unconsciously a very open person. Unlike a lot of people, I don’t automatically erect personal barriers when around other people whether it be friend or stranger. I only do so when given a reason. Most people pick up on this and respond in one of two ways. They either tend to open up a bit more on their own or completely shut down.

Going psychotherapist for a moment, I’m sure it has something to do w/my childhood traumas. Well cancel the page for Dr. Phil, I think I figured that one out all by myself. Maybe the traumas added to my already open id, who knows. As far back as I can remember, I’ve had the same openness to me. Even as a child. (Thankfully, no one bad was around to take advantage of it) As an adult, it taught me some painful lessons about trusting too soon and being gullible. Lessons that probably would have been avoided had I been just a tad bit more cautious. Tell my friend Eric this story, he agrees all too readily it’s a character flaw. I choose not to see it that way. I think my openness adds to my overall appeal and value it. For all the times its hurt me, it has helped me four or five times that much in good things.

B’day Boy

First off, thank you to everyone who sent me birthday wishes. I”m totally flattered. I woke up to an inbox just bursting w/emails this morning. Started my day off right. If I don’t get back to you quickly, be patient, I have a quite a bit to get thru. *G*

I’ve never really been big on birthdays for myself. My parents never made a production about it as a kid so I guess that has carried over into my adult life. I spent the day w/an old friend that I haven’t seen in a while. We had a falling out of sorts a while back and haven’t been on good terms lately. Very recently, he owned up to some issues that really plagued our friendship and I couldn’t help but forgive him. (I’m sure some of my issues drive him nuts too) So we just spent the bigger part of the day goofing off. We worked out together and then had a nice long lunch. He got some things off his chest that had been bothering him.

I think renewing an old friendship is an excellent way to spend a birthday. Tonight, I’m headed to dinner w/my Tim and then off to the Powerhouse. Its the first preliminary for the 2006 Bare Chest Calendar contest and Tim and I are volunteers. Should make for an interesting evening.

Poor vs Pride

With mixed feelings, I write todays blog. I’m coming up very short on finances for the trip home to see my father before he passes. None of the airlines offer cheap fare for last wishes blah blah blah. The few who do offer bereavement fare only do so AFTER the person is dead. Well, what good does that do me. So, my buddy suggested I solicit donations via paypal. My first response was no. However, as his condition gets worse I’m forced to reconsider. I figure if guys can solicit money to cover their blogs then I can do it for a much more worthy cause.

So without further ado, I have added a paypal button. If you can afford it and donate, I’m forever in your debt. If not, don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is, nothing more.

Wrinkle me this….

Trying to pull myself out of my glum mood I thought I’d tackle a topic that hit me yesterday at the gym. . . I found my first wrinkle! Well ok, probably not my first but, the first one that I really notice. Its a laugh line across my forehead. I saw it and thought maybe I’d been in the steam room too long or something. Nope! Just a wrinkle. Of course, once I thought about it, I started giggling over the silliness of it. The irony is I’ll be 34 on Thursday (the 20th). Thirty four years old, unmarried……practically a hag! LOL

Hell, maybe by the time I reach 64 will have come up w/a way to clone me and then transfer my consciousness into a new and improved body! Wahooo! I’d have to suggest some subtle alerations of course. Wider cheek bones, bigger muscles, and maybe a head full of hair. Not much else I’d change about me. And those are only whims. I did ok in the gene pool. I could have been better but I could have been worse.

I have to go now, I hear Safeway is having a sale on Oil of Olay! *g*

Thank you

First, off thank to everyone who sent me such encouraging comments and emails regarding my father. It has been a surprisingly trying time for me so far w/the worst yet to come. Of course, my family is already at odds w/each other and bickering on how we will divide up the land. (My father has 50 acres of land out in East, TX) Money does strange things to people. Especially, poor people. But thats another story.

I went back and read the “history” entries and they seem a bit chaotic from the way I broke them up into seperate posts. I’ll try to condense them into one big giant post. I just thought one big one would be too much. I know I get bored quickly sometimes when someone just goes ON AND ON on a blog. *g*

Anyway, thanks again, I am truly touched.

The Pending Death of My Father

My rants have been kinda limited lately. I’ve been dealing w/some bad news I got this week. I haven’t quite digested all of it until now.

My father has been battling lung cancer for the past year. He had a grapefruit sized tumor removed from his upper left lung back in October. They discovered recently it has metastasized into his hip bones. This type of cancer is not treatable and non-operable. Basically, right now he is in a hospice testing his tolerance for pain and what meds are most effective at the smallest dosage. Once that’s over, he gets to go home to live out his remaining days. There is zero hope of recovery.

Now for those of you that know me, you know there isn’t much love loss between my family and myself. Mainly over my coming out nightmare. But that’s sorta just the icing on the cake so to speak. My childhood evolved from one tragedy to the next and its not a part of my life that I reflect upon often. To understand my thoughts now, its probably best if you go back and read the history. Otherwise, the context of the next paragraph will be completely lost on you. I often use harsh sarcasm and puns to describe my family. (ie…if you trace the roots of white trash back to its origins, you’d find my family tree)

This news has brought forth a few inner demons I thought long exorcized. In trying to resolve some of the conflicting emotions, I’ve come to realize I still love my father. Not as deeply as the normal father/son relationship but love nonetheless. Honestly, this is a bit of a surprise. I often joke that his passing would be a release. The same release that I welcomed when my step mother, Satan-in-drag, finally died and left us for the underworld. (Like I said, you need to read the history.) I find myself wishing he wasn’t sick and I keep asking myself why. He robbed me of so much as a child and as an adult why should I love him? I never got to do ANY of the father/son things that fathers do w/their kids. He doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves the love of a child they so harshly abandoned. The only good memories I have of him are back when I was very young before the death of my foster mother. Everything after that is just ugly.

Deserving or not, I did forgive him. I find that I don’t care about the reasons. My father and I currently have a very distant relationship. I see him about once a year and I never make more than a day of it. We talk, catch up on our lives, and I quickly realize why I fled bum fuck nowhere Texas ages ago. So, now I’m in the position to cause harm or comfort. I find myself only wanting to comfort him. I guess that says good things about me. I just can’t help thinking about all the things that could have been had he not been so closed minded.

Life – What Life?

As stated in one of my many previous rants, my social life is gonna take a dive for the next few months. I need to start working extra overtime to catch up on my finances as well as put away a small nest egg to help w/tuition. Even though I had to put it off due to the 2-faced, back stabbing, piece of shit that works downstairs, I still plan on starting my paramedic training this year (yeah, I’m still bitter). I’m hoping to upgrade my beat up scooter to a full fledged motorcycle in the latter half of the year as well. Can you say “mucho dinero”?

So with work, overtime, the charity, and gym, not much room for anything else I’m afraid. Thats ok though. I realize its only temporary. Besides, I have you, my loyal readers. (all 12 of you) The good news is my blog just be bursting w/info, annoyances and my simplest of rants on a daily basis.