I’m always amazed at some of the questions I get. Not because of content but the point of view. It gives me perspective outside of my own, which is always beneficial. It also helps me to learn about myself. Something I’ve always strived to do writing this here blog thingy. One such reader was perplexed by my Flip rant because I called it a secret. I guess maybe I should clarify. It wasn’t so much a secret as something I wasn’t overly proud of. ‘Lemme es’plain…’ lol
When I was younger, I was train wreck emotionally. I was very co-dependent, insecure blah, blah, blah…you get the point.1 One of my biggest regrets was in my ongoing battle with said issues, I hurt more than one person. The fact that it was never intentional is irrelevant. I had a horrible habit of pursuing someone romantically w/o ever really deciding if the person was right for me. After the newness wore off and the drama set in, I would usually just break up with the person and move on. Saying it now sounds very callous and uncaring but I assure you that was never my intention.
My coping mechanism, meant to protect me, ended up doing to others what I was desperately afraid would be done to me. I ranted on it a lot on the old blog after Drew and I split way back when. I think I mentioned back then one particular guy I dated while still in Houston was a wake up call for me. I hurt him pretty badly. I always felt my breakup with Drew was my karma for him. I did get a chance to apologize to the guy years later and he was receptive to my apology.
So yeah, I felt a little ashamed to admit it out loud because I had recognized my top/bottom complex tied into my previous behavior of inadvertently misleading guys. I’m not ashamed as much as just disappointed in myself. The good news here is I have embraced who I am and more of what makes me really happy, physically and emotionally.
So there you go dear reader. Hopefully that explains it now.
- A very few of you have been with me since then and probably remember my rants on the subject [↩]