I guess I’m still evolving as a human. A good sign I’m sure. *I’m also feeling long winded tonight*
A lot has transpired lately between TFA and I.1 A huge chunk is hard to discuss as I do not wish to violate his wish for privacy. However, there are things in my head I need to force into the open so it can receive a proper beating from my id. Most of you following my love life know it has most definitely been a rocky road. LOL The last break up and several the jump starts in between make for interesting reading if nothing else.
My capacity to love is almost boundless. That said, one of my biggest shortcomings is I often feel like it is not enough unless that love is returned. What an ugly road that leads too. To love someone unconditionally means to love w/o limits and w/o the need for validation. Don’t get me wrong, we all need a little validation from time to time. However, that is a huge jump from needing constant validation of self thru the expression from another.2 I have no doubts that TFA came into my life for a reason. I am being given a chance to examine my behavior and shortcomings. I can either improve upon them or continue to wallow in self-doubt.
With that in mind, I am discovering I can let go of my fears. TFA has a lot on his plate right now beyond just worrying about his connection to me.3 He will often withdraw when things are particularly difficult or he is struggling. Bouncing around the planet every few days does nothing to give one a sense of comfort either. Anyway, when he withdraws my reaction is to begin doubting my self-worth. I’m realizing more and more what a waste of effort that is. I feel very strongly for him. As I sit here contemplating, I’m hit with the realization I’m not concerned if he loves me back. Oh sure, I’d like it if he did but that is beyond the point. For the first time in my life, I find I’m not needing validation for the way I feel. I feel the way I do and that is enough. I find looking on it this way significantly diminishes my fear of loss or rejection. I feel almost free in a way. Is it possible I am truly learning to love unconditionally? Wouldn’t that be one for the record books? No, I’m not so foolish to think this little epiphany will solve everything. Yet, it is a very startling and uplifting outlook on my future.
TFA sent me an email tonight apologizing for his recent bout of withdrawal.4 He often does when he has a chance to process things and comes back to his feeling of comfort. It actually tickles me that I’m able to see the pattern and not react to it. I’m digressing. . . I responded back with a reply that may soothe him or blow up in my face. I’ve been holding back a lot of how I feel and trying very hard not to project my own issues onto him. My reply tonight had a lot to do with how I feel. I am proud to say I was able to express it without the implication that I need his love in return. And frankly, it is not the outcome that is important to me. It is the honest expression of my feelings without any expectation that is important. If he bails, that will be on his terms and will not change the way I feel. I can still come away knowing I am learning to love without limitations. I can hold my head up and be confident in myself and know that no one else need justify my feelings other than me.
*I’ve come back afterwards to add more here*
After letting my comments above stew for awhile, I find I’m in an incredibly good mood. What a very free feeling it is to find myself letting go of a fear that has plagued me my whole life. It is not gone but it is my hope I am learning to move beyond the hard-wired emotion. Fear is a base emotion originally meant to protect us. However, in the world today it often serves just the opposite. To think I can finally rise above it is a very empowering feeling. I used to say in my old journals that “hope springs eternal”. I don’t think I ever truly believed it before but I definitely think I do now.
- You’ve read the parts I choose to share. What is lacking are the private posts of me having pity parties. [↩]
- Try saying that five times real fast. [↩]
- I am starkly reminded of my own situation a few years ago. It was no easy task going thru a breakup, moving twice in 30 days, the death of my father, and a struggling financial setting. [↩]
- He is currently in Athens [↩]