Ghosts of the Past

I haven’t talked about my “issues” here in a long time. Truth is, I haven’t felt bothered by them so there wasn’t a need.

Today, I’ve been overwhelmed with memories of my past. I can’t say anything triggered it. Maybe it’s just ‘my time of the month.’ I’m not depressed by the memories, even though most of them aren’t great. I just can’t seem to shake the progression. One memory will trigger another and down a rabbit hole of deep thought I go…

Anyhoo, it’s been mostly about my step-mother, her family, and my angst at them for never intervening when they saw my step-mother abuse me. I know they recognized it because I would sometimes overhear the adults (her siblings) asking my step-mother, “why are so mean to that boy?” My cousins would just ask me directly. Or they would discuss it amongst themselves in front of me. For many years growing up I worshipped and hated them at the same time. When my family from her side visited, I got a reprieve from the mental torment. It meant things would be more bearable, even if it was just a long weekend. Of course, when they left, I suffered even more for my apparent ‘slights’ while they had been visiting. It was in those moments I hated them most.

When I left home none of them made much effort to stay in touch. To be fair, neither did I. They represented a connection to “her” that was to be avoided. It wasn’t like I was overly stable anyway and there was no cell phones, texting, or even internet. But I didn’t understand that then. It’s only been in the last few years I’ve slowly opened a window to them on Facebook. Being an adult now, my view of them has been complicated. At first, I was resentful more of them didn’t reach out to me. But, I realized that wasn’t fair either. Their lives diverged from mine and I was a distant memory. They had as much reason to reach out to me as I did to them. And it wasn’t like I made a lot of effort either. I kept them at arms length. A small handful made an effort to at least reconnect and “know” me a bit. I’m grateful for that. Our lives are so distant and different so that is pretty much where it ends. We keep a cursory connection at best.

And as expected, many of them tend to be Trump supporters. This isn’t much of a surprise. I only mention it because I routinely chime in when I see them sharing absolute made up stories that reinforce their biases. Reconciling my childhood view of them with my adult exposure has been easier than expected. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. lol

Anyway, I don’t have any wisdom to share. I’m just putting thoughts to pad to help me drag the triggers and emotions out into my conscience id so I can examine them properly. I’ll post more if I figure anything of value out.

47

I’m officially 5 years older than the meaning of life and everything! As I move into my 47th year, I don’t really feel 47. Or more astutely, my mindset doesn’t feel 47. Three years away from being officially ‘ancient’ in gay terms. (I’m totally kidding)  It’s an odd juxtaposition; in some ways I feel my age and others I still feel like I’m in my 30’s. I know, I’m a weirdo, what’s new? hehehe

So what pearls of wisdom can I share having made it this far? Just be the best you you can be. Don’t put expectations from others on yourself. Don’t live for others, live for yourself. Accept your failings while striving to overcome them, whatever that might be.

Shawn and I were actually flying home on my birthday. Shawn had to go to Nashville for work so I took the opportunity to tag along to see my brother. He is about 3 hours south of Nashville. Sadly, I didn’t get any time to sneak over to meet Large Tony.1  The trip went as smoothly as one could expect. The flights on Virgin America (while it still exists) were very comfy and on time. Not a single complaint. Other than being freezing cold in TN, the trip went off without any major problems as well. It was good seeing my little brother and my nephews/nieces.

I’m Southern but they sure do like their boots in Nashville. There was a boot store practically every 20 feet in the business district.  Anyway, we flew home on my birthday but we celebrated with my brother and his family the night before. They all got to meet Shawn for the first time. Of course, they liked him.

Shawn got me VIP tickets to see the Bianca Del Rio comedy show coming up in March. She is by far my favorite from Drag Race. She has gone on to do bigger and better things and is funny as hell! I found out by following her on IG we have several of the same idols from childhood. I’m definitely excited to see her show in person.

So now what? I’ll keep being me. Not much has changed. I appreciate the wisdom age brings but I still don’t feel it. Maybe when I’m 50?




  1. One of these days… []