The last post knocked the wind out of my sails. That night, I went to bed and bawled like a baby until I fell asleep. Don’t be sad though, it was a good cry. A cry that released a lot of pent up shame. These last two days I’ve had such a feeling of relief. The post was a long time coming and truly an eye opener for me. Would I say I’m completely healed? Of course not, but I do think I’m one step closer to being the person I want to become. The odd part is I really didn’t know what I was going to say until I started typing. Once I started, it just flew out of me like some sort of demon. (I’ve always said I’ve got demons all in me, now you know.) Am I perfect? Eee-gads no! Im still a fucked up confliction of traits all jumbling for dominance. I’m still the same flawed fag I was before just with some new insight. And I don’t think I’d have it any other way. (It’s like being crazy, when you are crazy no one gives a shit about a fucking thing you do! 1000 points if anyone knows where that line comes from.)
What have I learned from my little brain fart? Well, for one, I am too hard on myself. I hold myself to a different standard than I hold for others. And while that probably won’t change, at least I recognize and understand it now. I’ve never been a introverted type of person. Self-examination is definitely not my strong suit. But having taken the time to look at myself has really been invigorating. It has given me a new stillness in my center. A stillness I never had before. I guess in a way I reopened some old wounds but I think they will heal up nicely this time instead of festering. I hope I’m making sense here. I never imagined I would discover so much about myself this year. I wanted to make some changes, yeah. But I feel like I’m really breaking new ground. I’m very happy about that.
It was also nice to realize I’m not alone in my feelings. So many of you poured your hearts out to me. Quite a few of the emails brought me to tears again. I was and am truly touched by your thoughtful words. Even the negative comments helped. (I’m getting better at reading between the lines.) I’ve tried to respond to everyone privately but my inbox is chock full of emails. If I haven’t gotten to you yet, bare w/me.
I’m a little worn out on the whole self-discovery bit. I’m taking a break. Tomorrow, it’s back to the mundane, shallow, sometimes boring, sometimes naughty bits of Moby.
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Oh, and the new guy is a blogger and yes he is the same one I mentioned before. No, I’m not telling until after we meet in person. (And most of the guesses are WAY off.) I’m hoping to finally meet him in the flesh in the next two weeks.
Moby….
I’d say you need an emotional break too. Mundane sounds good right now, even for me. School is done with in another two days and then look out NY City, ’cause this west coast Italian is headin’ your way Friday.
As for the guy Moby, I thought you met him the other night. I so confused. Yes that is “I SOOOO CONFUSED” without the ‘am.’ Do meet up with him within two weeks. That will be a good topic at the ‘blogger’s pow wow.” đŸ˜‰
UUMM the naughty bits of Moby. That will be a nice thing to think about before I fall asleep tonight!
Hopefully you will let us in on the new person. I have a few theroes but this one has thrown it way off…or maybe you are misdirecting.