Every time I think I have my head screwed on right something seems to come along and knock it all a kilter again. Can’t a bitch get a break?
I ran into a play buddy (I’ll call him the Latin) over the weekend and not having anything planned, we decided to hang out. [1]I don’t really celebrate NYE as a holiday. Pointless in my view of things. Things are going smoothly when he suddenly reveals he has feelings for me. The irony here is I sorta had the hots for him when we first met. He didn’t really seem interested so I was content to just play around. Anyway, not long after TFA came into the picture so it was easy to ignore my initial desire and just go with it.
For the record, the Latin has known about TFA from the beginning so I’m not feeling dishonest, that isn’t it at all. However, I have been spending free time with him on a regular basis. I do have some guilt over that. After this weekend, it has dawned on me I might be using the Latin as a substitute for the things I’m not currently getting from TFA. [2]Seeing any patterns here? The same scenario w/TFA and his ex? I’ve already mentioned I’ve been having doubts about TFA lately. Truth be told it has been tearing me apart. Not my feelings so much as the situation. It is clear we have a great connection together. Therein lies the problem and the part that upsets me the most. The connection makes for a good start but that isn’t enough. And potential doesn’t a relationship make. No matter how much potential we have, if we can’t spend time together working on it, what is the point? TFA has so much on his plate right now he can’t really focus on me. I certainly don’t mind being supportive however, I’m realizing my needs are being completely eclipsed by his. Being around the Latin this past weekend brought that clearly into focus. [3]I’m not referring to the carnal ones. No problem there. That isn’t really fair to me or him.
No, I’m not looking to trade TFA for the Latin. Give me some credit. But he has made me realize things w/TFA aren’t working out. For that I am grateful even if it does hurt like hell. My feelings haven’t changed obviously but if I truly care about TFA, then he needs me as friend right now more than anything else.
So once again, I find my love-life in the shitter. Am I surprised? Hell no. I’m beginning to wonder if it is par for the course. lol Yes, I’m trying to make lite of it. If I don’t, I might burst into tears.
*HUGS*
I haven’t been in this particular situation, but I understand the feelings esp
those of your needs not being met (carnal aside).
I can only offer you *hugs* just as soon as I pry gooster off of you 😛
That sucks, dude. Remember to give yourself credit for realizing it’s not working out and then doing something about it, as opposed to realizing it’s not working and then hanging on anyway in the hopes that pixie dust will descend from the sky and magically fix everything, something I have never ever done. Nope, not me. Takes balls to be a grown up about relationships.
Well, I really don’t have a lot of experience to speak from BUT be careful of making a hasty decision. Keep in mind why you needs may not be being met right now. It’s not because TFA doesn’t care, is it. It’s becaus, as you said, “he has a lot on his plate right now.” I think the key is “right now.” We all go through points in our lives when one thing pulls us from another and then it goes back, then something gets pulled another way. Maybe the next time, it’s something that pulls you away. So, before you cut ties or move on, think about whether this is a bump in the road or an impass. (sp?) Even if it’s a big ditch, you might get stuck in the mud, but eventually it will dry up enough so that you’re not just spinning your wheels, and zoom..you’re back on the path.
OK…I have metaphored enough to make us all sick, so I’ll leave it at that.
Sometimes timing just isn’t there in a relationship. But if you truly believe in that connection with TFA Moby, there is cause to be patient. My relationships have all been long distance, including the most current. But I’m not quitting to readily. Not when I feel the way I do.
Happy New Year! Hope 2008 brings you some little source of peace of mind and happiness.
Oh my, sorry to hear about your conflicted heart. I was in a similar situation once, so I know exactly how you feel. The comments made before me are valid but sometimes when it boils down to it, no matter how much we want to be the perfect brother, friend, partner, and lover to those in our lives, we can’t do it all and at times we have to look out for self. I get the whole concept of sticking it out, seeing it through, especially when it comes to long distance relationships, but when does it end? when do we see the light at the end of the tunnel? some glimmer of hope that we’re not just in this alone. Moby you said it, he doesn’t have the time to focus on you and reading all your posts concerning TFA, this was the case right from the very beginning.
In the end, it’s your happiness thats at stake here. I know in any relationship there are going to be tough times, but if both parties aren’t toiling and fighting and putting in time and energy to make it work, then whats the point?
Okay…as much as I love to read drama, most is the fictional kind. In reading blogs, particularly those by fellow gays, I’m struck by the fact we tend to be driven by a desire to look at life as one big drama and mistake that for living with passion.
I’m cognisant that we only have part of the story — the part you relay in your postings — as you are very respectfully of TFA’s privacy, so we do not know what this is all about. And I know a bit about your formative years and accept that it has had the usual impact on how you look at relationships and connections with others.
And finally, it is never easy to develop a partnership with someone at a distance. There is always the nagging feeling that you are missing out on something, but it becomes even more difficult if you start from the premise that you are not yet, to put it in terms you used, “exclusive”.
At the moment, your relationship with TFA is really only a budding friendship…you’ve gone from playmates to playmates plus. Don’t confuse that with a long-term partnership; perhaps it may develop into that but it requires effort from both parties to move from a romantic crush to being each others’soft place to land as you move through life.
Whether you realise it or not, you or TFA may not be ready to make any commitment. He’s just out of a relationship, and you yourself express ambivalence as you had a desire for “the Latin” but it was sidelined by the appearance of TFA. What the desire for “the Latin” may be, I don’t know, but if I were him, I’d stick with just being a play buddy…ambivalence and being sidelined, earlier in the year and at present — given the tone of your current postingis — is a pretty obstacle to moving beyond this role.
Intellectually you may think you are ready for a relationship, emotionally you may crave one, but the follow-through seems lacking. Continue experimenting, but as with all of us, remember nothing changes until each of us changes our attitude and perspective on what it is we are doing.
Since I/we don’t know much about some of the issues between you and TFA, because you keep them private (as you should), it’s hard to give advice 🙂 However, when I first came out one of my first “relationships” per say was a long distance thing. Uhg. I would never do it again, it’s just too hard and more work than a relationship with someone you live in the same city with! I know people who make them work, more power to them. Some people I think are better suited for them, maybe the kind that need space and alone time. I say this cause I know someone very well who has made one work, and I can see why it works for him! Others I think it just doesn’t work for at all, I’m one of those.
*big hug*
Sorry to read that things aren’t going that well in the ‘love dept’. I wish I could help ya, Moby.