In

You knew it was coming…another post about the Pup! lol  Yeah, I’m gonna gush a little again.

Lately, more than a couple friends have referred to me as being “all-in” with the new Pup. They’ve commented on how happy I seem, how very eager I am, and also how much more open I am in public/social forums about my feelings. And they are right, I have been. I’ve been very expressive on and offline about how I feel. On the flip side, I have personally been a little worried of overwhelming him with all my expression.1

I have been asking myself why exactly that is. Part of me is just very expressive and it is natural for me to show it. On top of that, blogging has taught me to be introspective and has sharpened my ability to articulate my feelings and emotions more eloquently. Then you mix in something so fundamentally new to me and you’re bound to see me express it. But is that all? Is that the only reasons? I’m not so sure.

In less than two shorts weeks, my beloved Pup will be here with me full time. Yeah, you read it hoes, full time! lolol He’s making the move to SF and I couldn’t be happier. So yeah, I express it a lot, to him and the world. In 7 short months, he has shown me what being in love with the right man for the right reasons can feel like. Some could consider that kind of fast and maybe it is. But having such a deep yet oddly simple connection, I don’t feel a need to be overly cautious. It feels more right than any LTR I’ve ever been in.

Having learned my lessons from previous LTRs, I think I might be overly sensitive about him moving here. I’ve gone out of my way to make sure he has a safety net. God forbid, if something were to happen he has his home in Phoenix to go back to. He originally wanted to sell it and I was very against that. I also insisted he have a transfer or job in place before he moved. Having been thru it before, I can tell you the financial stress can be disastrous for a budding LTR. A move is stressful enough w/o adding a job search into the mix. And don’t get me wrong, these weren’t all my ideas. We discussed and agreed to them together. The point is having learned from past mistakes and loving him so much, I’d never want him to fell trapped, stuck, or resentful.

On top of that, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m in love with the right man at the right time for the right reasons. I have zero doubt. Zero. I have yet to ignore or push away a reg flag. That is certainly something I’ve never really been able to say to myself before.  We exist as our imperfect selves and we both seem to just resonate with the other. We are not perfect but I like to think we are perfect for each other. And this is not to turn it into something mythical or put it on a pedestal. I fully admit I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I’m sure he and I will have strife at some point. I am only describing the differences between previous relationships and this one.

And while I do not fear for our relationship, if for some unknown reason it didn’t work out, I would not have a single regret. I’m not settling. I’m not accepting behaviors thinking I can ‘handle them’ because I understand the motivations behind it. I am not pushing for the LTR out of loneliness. I am, for lack of a better description, wholly in love with a man whom loves me back just the same. I am truly grateful that for whatever reason he saw in me what he needed and wanted and went for it, even when I was on the brink of ending it all.2 There is no way I could regret what I have with him, ever.

And even as I gush away here on my blog, I know that he is ok with it. He often tells me he doesn’t feel as expressive as I am. (Which makes him normal! lol) But when he does express himself, it is perfect (for me). He manages to convey so much in much fewer words than I. Maybe I should take a que from him? …Shut it! :p lol Ok seriously, he has assured me I have yet to make him feel overwhelmed, pressured, rushed, or even daunted.

So yeah, I’m all in on this one. I”m not holding anything back. No doubt, no regrets, no compromises on what I need or want. Does that make the potential for hurt that much greater? Sure it does. But the reward is so much more and absolutely worth it IMHO. And I’d be an idiot to let fear ruin the most wonderful thing in my life.

  1. Yes darlings, I can be overbearing and/or intense at times. I know, color you surprised! []
  2. A story for another day but would have been the biggest mistake of my life. []

Fear

As far as I’ve come, I still battle with insecurities from time to time. Such is life as we all struggle with our demons. Ironically, it is something I’ve never really felt before.

Having struggled practically since birth, I unfortunately get a little suspicious when things seem to really be going my way. lol Yeah, that sounds a little jaded but I never said I wasn’t. Anyway, I keep worrying that something will happen with The Pup and it will all abruptly end. *sigh* I know it’s stupid but there it is. That’s why I said it was irrational. lol  Yes, it could be conditioning from previous trauma. Yes, it could just be my own insecurities. I get all that. But knowing it doesn’t just make it go away. But fear not dear reader.1  I have found something that does in fact make it “go away.”

As previously mentioned, to know beyond a doubt that he feels like I do is an incredibly powerful feeling. I won’t lie it overwhelms me at times.2 It gives me a sense of comfort and contentment I’ve never felt. I’m also finding it gives me an added sense of confidence. Having never had that feeling, I think it is natural to become possessive and protective of said feeling. lol I never want it to end. I want it to last for the rest of my life. Again, this is an avenue where fear sneaks in; fear of losing that feeling.

I dare say I deserve to be happy. I’ve paid my dues and then some in life. I must have been awful in one of my previous lives because the payback in this one has been major!  But life isn’t about fair and even. While I like to think the universe is about balance, an every day life doesn’t always balance out. I need to remember that just because I had an awful start doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. I wish it weren’t true but it is. And so here again a fear can sneak in.

I refuse to let all these little fears rule me. They might have in the past but not anymore. I can be prey to them but not a victim. Life isn’t about fair, it is about living to the fullest and having enough wisdom to take advantage of any opportunities that come along. That’s how I see my new relationship with The Pup. It is an opportunity for me to make myself (and hopefully him) happy. I plan to pursue that opportunity as long as it exists. If that means the rest of my life, I’m ready. Game, set, MATCH!

I love you Pup. And given the opportunity, I’ll spend the rest of my life with you.

  1. See what I did there? LOL []
  2. I’m a big ole softy inside and my emotions do get the better of me at times. []

One

Well, I guess it was inevitable. I’ve gotten several questions on whether The Pup and I were planning to be in a monogamous LTR. I’m not sure why exactly it was a reoccurring question but whatevs. lol  One person’s implication was that if I really wanted it to work then I should be willing to give up being open. I guess all my gushing here and elsewhere has led some to think I’ve abandoned my previous rants in favor of this new relationship. If you read with any regularity you should know the answer to that question is no. If anything, my breaking my own rules has been the bane of my previous LTRs. lol  A huge part of why The Pup and I are getting along so well is because I haven’t abandoned what I want. To be perfectly frank, this was just as easy for us to assimilate as everything else has been between us.1

I support anyone’s right to be in a MLTR (Monogamous LTR)) but it is not for me and it is not something I want. I’d rather stay single than lock myself into something I don’t want. Yes, it is flexible and not an all or nothing agreement. Yes, it is important enough to me that I wouldn’t enter into an LTR with a restriction I didn’t want. If we weren’t on the same page then we wouldn’t be truly compatible.

Lawd knows, I’ve ranted here a plethora of times regarding my thoughts on the issue. We as gay men and women have the unique opportunity to set our own rules and standards. We are not bound by institutionalized traditions based on gender-discordant2 relationships. While we can follow in their footsteps, we aren’t bound to. A subtle but important distinction. And the point of my rant today is The Pup and I are of one mind on the subject. It works for us. But because it works for us doesn’t mean that I insist that it works for everyone.That would be as equally foolish as those who insist monogamy is for everyone.

Many seem to think I’m against monogamy when I’m not. Just don’t expect me not to point out flaws in the rather common yet failed logic often used to justify the monogamous-only approach. I support it when it is based on a fundamental desire vs insecurities and a form of control.

Hopefully that should clear up any confusion on the subject. Smile

  1. ok, I’m bragging a little here. I just can’t get over how much he and I seem to agree on things so easily. []
  2. my new term for straight couples []

Best

Well it looks like another GHHD #21 has come and gone. I can honestly say it was one of the best weekends of my life. And the fact it was Up Your Alley (Dore) fair had absolutely zero to do with it.

The Pup was in town to visit me and needless to say we had an unbelievably awesome weekend together. If you follow me on any of the social networking sites you know I’ve been gushing a bit about my handsome man. Well get ready because I’m about to gush some more.

Things between us are working out in ways I could never have imagined. This weekend, it seems, any doubts for both of us have been removed. I am not sure I can properly put into words how I felt and the bonding we experienced. The exceptional part is none of it is based on me trying to fit him into any predefined ideas of what he should be. I let him just be himself and he does the same for me. We seem to just exist together and mesh in ways I never thought possible. I don’t have a better way to explain it beyond it just feels different. The ease and depth of our connection seems to only feed on itself every time we are together.

I’m trying to capture the best way to explain why I see things as being different with The Pup. The biggest difference is I don’t feel like I’m compromising to make things work. Every time I meet someone new I always seem to make allowances for behaviors or attitudes that don’t necessarily align with mine. After all compromising is a big part of a successful relationship. Unfortunately, I seem to get my compromises mixed up at times and compromise in ways that puts me at a disadvantage. I often will recognize where a behavior stems from and while I don’t accept the behavior, I accept the act because of it’s trigger. This creates a situation where I enable said behavior by not putting my foot down. And this has led to more than one failed LTR for me. It has always been one of my big mistakes in relationships.

This time around I haven’t done that once. Not even a little. The meshing as I describe it happens on a very fundamental level and is bizarrely addictive. The more I get of it, the more I want. lol I digress though.  I’ve always considered myself an odd bird because I’m wired a bit differently from other people. I view things in ways that most seem to miss. So to find someone who sees many things the way I do is extremely endearing and very much a surprise. It creates a comfort zone that I don’t think I’ve ever actually felt with anyone before.

And the fact that I referenced Apple guy as ‘the one’ in a previous post is not lost on me. I actually went back and read many of the posts I wrote about him. And at the time they were true. But this thing with The Pup has blown that out of the water. And while not to trivialize what I had felt for Apple guy, my connection to The Pup is different on a level so basic I can’t seem to put into words. Anyway, I’m not singing platitudes this time around. I’m gonna keep letting it grow and evolve and see where it goes.

I won’t be going into the gory details of the weekend. That is for he and I to share together. I will tell you we had an unbelievably awesome time and I couldn’t be happier right now. And if the now permanent grin on my face is any indication things are looking very good!

  1. Gay High Holy Day []

Smitten

It was bound to happen. I’ve become smitten with someone. Naturally, he doesn’t live here. I never seem to find a guy local. Why the hell is that?

Anyway, it is still very new and developing and we both recognize the limitations of our situation. We are enjoying it for what it is and seeing what the future holds. No, I’m not in an LTR or even off the market. No, he isn’t moving here. And no, I am not moving there. Seems futile doesn’t it? Well, I don’t see it that way. There are different types of bonds and I don’t necessarily have to be with him to have a bond. We both recognize that while we have a good set of compatibilities, we don’t yet have enough working knowledge of the other, so to speak. That said, I’m a big believer in not trying to make something fit a label.

It’s been ongoing for a few months and I’ve enjoyed it. I realized over Pride weekend my feelings had taken a stronger turn. If you can believe it, I was jealous. Yeah, you read it right. Me, of all people, was actually jealous. hehehe And to my own credit, it had nothing to do with sex.1  No, it was intimacy. Ok, that’s not even exactly true. It was my fear of him sharing intimacy with someone else. (The intimacy never happened btw) In the end, I needn’t and shouldn’t have been jealous. But it sure as hell surprised me to discover 1) I was jealous, 2) that I cared enough to be jealous.

I shared it with him after I dealt with it myself. Once I realized what was happening, I stepped back to examine the why. I could never have done that w/o 9 years of blogging btw. I put my emotions in check and moved past the silliness. He and I laughed it off over a good heartfelt and open conversation. The conversation itself actually strengthened how I see him.

So now where does that leave us? My best answer is I don’t know. We are still pursuing the connection.  As to my jealousy, it was odd that I got angry.  I was actually angry and then a little hurt.  Finally, it dawned on my dense ass that I was jealous. This made for an interesting back and forth internal conversation to say the least. lol One side of me was genuinely jealous, another side was chastising me for being jealous, and yet another side was over it all and simply clamped down on it till he and I could talk.2  In the end, he is not mine and I have no reason to be jealous even if the idea did chap my ass. The fact that nothing happened isn’t really the point at all. What a wasted emotion jealousy is. I’m not overly proud that I’m still capable of it.

In a complete side rant, we’ve given each other nicknames. I’m big on nicknames, always have been. I’ve figured out I get it from my dad. He always gave people that he cared about nicknames. It wasn’t something I was consciously aware of until recent years. It’s also probably why I’ve never encouraged people to call my by my real name. It’s rather formal from my perspective. Anyway, I’ve started calling him my pup. Don’t go getting mental over it. I see him not as a possession or property but simply someone close to me that I care and look out for. He, in turn, has given me the nickname big dog. A name I immediately liked even though I’m not quite sure why yet. He says I don’t quite make the ‘daddy‘ title because our ages are too close. hehehe

He is coming up for Dore and it promises to be an informative (and hopefully very fun) weekend! lol It will be a test of sorts. He and I plan to get into more than a little trouble together and see how we do.

Wish me luck?

  1. Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous! []
  2. Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol []