Fear

As far as I’ve come, I still battle with insecurities from time to time. Such is life as we all struggle with our demons. Ironically, it is something I’ve never really felt before.

Having struggled practically since birth, I unfortunately get a little suspicious when things seem to really be going my way. lol Yeah, that sounds a little jaded but I never said I wasn’t. Anyway, I keep worrying that something will happen with The Pup and it will all abruptly end. *sigh* I know it’s stupid but there it is. That’s why I said it was irrational. lol  Yes, it could be conditioning from previous trauma. Yes, it could just be my own insecurities. I get all that. But knowing it doesn’t just make it go away. But fear not dear reader.1  I have found something that does in fact make it “go away.”

As previously mentioned, to know beyond a doubt that he feels like I do is an incredibly powerful feeling. I won’t lie it overwhelms me at times.2 It gives me a sense of comfort and contentment I’ve never felt. I’m also finding it gives me an added sense of confidence. Having never had that feeling, I think it is natural to become possessive and protective of said feeling. lol I never want it to end. I want it to last for the rest of my life. Again, this is an avenue where fear sneaks in; fear of losing that feeling.

I dare say I deserve to be happy. I’ve paid my dues and then some in life. I must have been awful in one of my previous lives because the payback in this one has been major!  But life isn’t about fair and even. While I like to think the universe is about balance, an every day life doesn’t always balance out. I need to remember that just because I had an awful start doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. I wish it weren’t true but it is. And so here again a fear can sneak in.

I refuse to let all these little fears rule me. They might have in the past but not anymore. I can be prey to them but not a victim. Life isn’t about fair, it is about living to the fullest and having enough wisdom to take advantage of any opportunities that come along. That’s how I see my new relationship with The Pup. It is an opportunity for me to make myself (and hopefully him) happy. I plan to pursue that opportunity as long as it exists. If that means the rest of my life, I’m ready. Game, set, MATCH!

I love you Pup. And given the opportunity, I’ll spend the rest of my life with you.

  1. See what I did there? LOL []
  2. I’m a big ole softy inside and my emotions do get the better of me at times. []

10 thoughts on “Fear”

  1. I don’t have pom poms, but I AM cheering for ya! Everyone deserves happiness! Fingers and toes crossed for ya as things are still fairly new, but you deserve it!

  2. Deja vu. After Joe died I had the same reservations. Now Sean and I are in our 13th year together. And still happy as hell.

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