Category: me

Last Word

*I’m a bit long winded today so you might want to skip down for the more random stuff.*

I got a delivery from my friend ex-friend last night. I had bought him a nice coat for his birthday before our last falling out. I guess he thought returning it would hurt my feelings. I gave the jacket to the first homeless guy I saw on the street. He also left a note w/it. I didn’t bother to read it. It went into the shredder unopened. Why, you ask? Because, I know him much better than he knows himself. Or more astutely, I see him objectively. I can almost recite what was in it. (ticking off the fingers)

  • Some reference to a recent wrong I inflicted on him in compensation for the reason I was angry w/him.
  • Complete denial that he is in anyway wrong.
  • Along w/that would come some analogy of how horrible a person I am.
  • What a horrible friend I’ve been. Yeah, that sounds about right. (I keep asking if I am such a horrible friend why does he keep trying? I never got an answer. Is it because I’m the only friend he has? Yeah, the truth can be painful.)
  • And littered thru the accusations would be hateful mean comments only meant to hurt my feelings. Comments about things only friends know.

That about sums it up. The last two times we had this sort of falling out (oh yeah, there have been many over the years) it was the same. Whether thru emails, hand-written notes, phone messages, etc. Of course, every time I forgave him he’d end up admitting I was right. Until the next time, then we start all over again.

Knowing him the way I do, it takes the sting out of the words. It’s just an attempt to hurt me the way he thinks I hurt him. And rather than engage in the back and worth battle of hurtful speech, I often choose to avoid all contact. Call it a survival mechanism if you will. I just don’t wanna do it anymore.

But therein lies the heart of my rant today. I can’t help but see a distinct pattern between my break-up w/the ex and my fight w/my friend. In both instances, I believe I contributed to the problem by enabling them to continue their destructive behaviors. Seeing the reason behind the actions, I try to be understanding and accepting. Am I being too forgiving? I mean where should I draw the line?

Physical violence? Had that w/both of them.
Lack of concern or indifference to my needs? Check.
Hateful mean comments? Had that too.

Now, I’m left asking myself why this keeps happening to me. When do you stop forgiving someone? How many times must you go thru the same thing before enough is enough? Should I be more selfish? Should I just be a hateful evil bitch like so many others around me? Should I just scrape off any concern for anyone beyond myself? Should I just avoid my problems and immerse myself in a world of drugs and tricks?

Or should I look at this as a final chapter in the beginnings of my life? The last tie to a persona almost dead and gone. I’ll be 35 years old in just 24 short days. I’ve grown a lot in those 35 years. I still have a lot to go though. I can still be incredibly insecure at times. That insecurity tells me I’m not done maturing. I have to move beyond it if I’m to realize my potential.

Getting back to my ex friend, I know this isn’t over for him. He’ll stew in his juices for awhile. When I don’t respond, he’ll find some other way to make contact. I asked him not to read my blog anymore but I know he probably does. But here’s where I get selfish. No more. The struggle has to end sometime and it’s now.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

I’m doing some OT today and on fire side so nice and slow.

I’ve decided to grow a beard. Not a full out bear beard but more of a short cropped fuzz beard. I’ve never really cared for heavy beards. Too much hair takes away from the face and the eyes I think. Goatee’s on the other hand are a big turn-on. I’ve had mine for almost 10 years now and I really enjoy it.

I’m not sure why I’m on the fur bender lately. Maybe because I might have to shave it all off pretty soon. Maybe I’m just getting older and liking the fur. I’ll post a pic when it’s a decent length.

Ups & Downs

Every day has’em and today was a doozy.

The day starts off w/Xmas cards from hell! I had a battle w/the software I use to print stamps. I lost! If you get a xmas card from me you’ll see. Oy!

Not a mood-killer mind you but I guess it was a sign of things to come.

It’s very muggy here right now. Typical for this time of year. Today, was thunderstorm weather. Unusual for here but not for a southern boy like myself. If you live in the South, the only rain you get is usually in the form of a thunderstorm. So, I’m leaving for work (on the moped aka BLUE) only to get drenched just two blocks from home. I was late to work as I had to come home and change. I get downstairs afterwards and not a drop is falling from the sky!

At this point, I’m thinking “What in gay hell did I do to deserve this?”

Work was fucked-up as expected. My trainee is doing ok but still a bit slow. Of course, every idiot with a car was out driving. Add to that, the thunderstorm was flooding and knocking out power everywhere. You can begin to see the pretty picture that was my day. Oh but there is more. My lunchtime rolls around, I walk down to to the local grub stand for some food. No biggie. On the way back, my the bag disintergrates from an opened soda inside. (A soda, I didn’t order)

Now I’m thinking. “Jeez! What kind of bad karma did I build to deserve this shit.”

However, I’m happy to report, w/the shit comes the shine. Today is my Friday so I got off an hour early. (Always a bonus) I’m walking home; the weather has cleared up by now. It’s just after dusk, the streets are starting to dry and as often happens after a big storm, everything seems fresh and clean. The air is crisp and clear. The sidewalks are clean and the tempurature is a balmy 65 degrees! Ah! . . . I had the urge to walk thru a cemetary. ( I know, weird but I’ve always found cemetaries to be so calming.) Anyway, I was instantly in a better mood.

I get home to discover the new apartment I was thinking of taking has panned out. I’ll be taking it at the end of January. A little further away from work than I wanted but in the Castro. walking distance to everything, cheaper laundry, my own parking space included and I get my choice of bedrooms.

I also noticed the jacuzzi was fixed so I had a nice long soak to wash away the day’s stress. NICE! (The jacuzzi is the one thing I’ll miss about this building.)

Now, I’m sitting her (naked w/a towel over my head, don’t ask.) writing about my shitty but not so shitty day.

And how was your day?

Finito!

(Yeah, I know it’s not really a word but I like it. )

Guess who aced his final today?!

I’m excited and tired all at the same time. Six months worth of hard work has finally paid off. I’m now over the first hurdle of my journey.

As soon as my certification comes back in the mail, I can start looking for part-time work to get my hours in.

Wahooo!

*I need a cocktail*

We Interupt This Blogcast…

Ughh! I am busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest this week. Finals, instructing, work, charities. . . where does it end! I’m WAY behind on responding to personal emails. (sorry folks)

Finals are Tuesday and I’ve yet to squeeze any decent study time in. I have all of Monday but was hoping not to spend the entire day studying. I could pass the test as-is but I’ve never been one to just get by. I take pride in my skills. Oh yeah!

Work is the same. Overworked and underpaid. I have a trainee who is taking all my effort, so no time to study at work either. And my house guest never materialized. Apparently, all is not lost in his relationship. (Thankfully!)

Lately, I’ve had a hankering for some home cooking. So I whipped up a big pot of beans and rice. I’m devouring the last of ’em as we speak. I love me some beans and rice!

I did manage to get a Raeki (spelling?) massage this week. If you’re not familiar, it deals w/pressure points and intense muscle relief. It can be a bit painful if you have a lot of stress built up. However, the after affects are well worth it. My body is still thanking me for it.

The social life is pretty much non-existent. It’s been over a month since I got laid. I know for some that’s no big deal but for me it is. If I go more than a week, I’m cranky Spanky. Once a slut always a slut I guess. . . (On a side note, I have a date for New Year’s Eve, IF he ever comes back from Canada. *hint hint*)

And speaking of bitchiness, I got another less-than-polite email this week about my blogging topics. The short answer: Fuck off! The long answer, read the title doofus. My blog is for me and about me…duh! If you don’t like it, (and here’s a clue, pay attention) DON’T READ IT! The audacity of people sometimes just cracks me up. And, of course, it’s always some anonymous fuck w/no life and nothing else to do but bitch.

(see, I told you I was cranky)

Discursive Ramblings

That’s my new word for the day. . . evolve or get off the pot right?

Today started out a bit chaotic. A buddy from work called me needing a place to crash. He made a break from the live-in girlfriend (again). This time he seems more determined. As we speak, he is supposedly moving all his stuff out. Ugh! Straight people can be so mellow dramatic! I could insert an “I told you so” here however, I won’t. The short version is he rebounded from a bad marriage into his current relationship. And while I had my reservations, I really thought the old new girl was a good match. Maybe she is too much of a match and he his karma is coming back to haunt him. It probably isn’t my business to make such leaps of logic but, the parallels are stunning.

I got an email from my younger brother. (I still have a hard time getting used to him sending me email. Technology is such a foreign thing to my clan.) Apparently, things are going down hill faster than planned. Buddy’s soon-to-be ex wife had a mental break down last week. She is now on a 5150 hold at the local hospital I’m sure. Course, this just means more bad news for the kids. They are far too young to be deprived of their mother. (something I can speak on from experience) I’m hoping she snaps out of it. I don’t want them growing up the way I did.

On top of that, the land taxes are due by month end. No real crisis in itself. Since the land is still officially in Dad’s name, we are getting a big discount for the year. Next year, we have to convert the land into our respective names. This means higher taxes for moi as I am not married and nor am I a senior citizen. (In Texas, you get a discount on land tax once you reach 65.)

After the holidays, I’m gonna have to sit down and plan out some maintenance strategies w/Buddy. It is not fair to dump all the responsibility on him just because he is the only one still living on the land. But knowing the history of my siblings, I’ll probably end up footing a big chunk of the bill. I’m also gonna have to take some time out of my schedule to go down and help w/upkeep. Fifty acres of land is not easily maintained by one person. Hell, when I was growing up, my parents used us kids as free labor. Even then it was a struggle.

My schedule sign-up at work is finished. As expected, I went with a 4-10 shift w/the same days off just later hours. This will give my gym schedule a boost as I’m less likely to just roll-over, hit snooze 10 times and end up blowing it off. I also get to sign up for two three weeks of vacation this year!

Mad Skills!

I got to put my mad skills as an EMT into pratice today. A firefighter assigned to our comm center had a seizure and went down. First off, he is ok. . .transported and released already.

Apparently, this particular person is prone to seizures and has been off his meds lately. One of the dispatchers noticed he was missing and then saw his feet sticking out. The bridge officer (supervisor) yelled over for me to come assist. I was right in the middle of instructing a new trainee. Needless to say, I dropped her like a hot poker. lol I did my assessment, took vitals, did a physical exam, administered O2. All in less than 10 minutes. Not bad for a newbie. After it was all over the bridge officer commented on well I did. I really didn’t have to do much. He was already in the postical (after) stage of the seizure when we found him. He was stable and advancing A/O (alert and oriented). I mainly just administered oxygen, took his vitals, and monitored till the medic unit showed up. Still it was exhilirating! I’m so hooked. hehehe.

My instructor was working today. I called to give him the details. He was very pleased!

Yeah, score 1 for my mad skills!

A Sad Ending

A long friendship came to an end today. I blogged about it earlier and now it’s final. I knew it was coming however, I was hoping for the best.

I am sad it came to this. This person has been in/out of my life since I was just 21 years old. I’ve always tried to help him better himself. He doesn’t see it that way. He sees me now as arrogant, stuck-up, and pretentious. My perspective is I just grew up.

We’ve been down this road so many times I just don’t see the point of trying anymore. I don’t think a friendship should be forced. I don’t think it should be a constant struggle to be someone’s friend. I don’t care anymore if I’m right or wrong. I’m just sad. Sad that I lost a friend that I’ve considered a brother for a long time. Sad that he never saw it that way. And sad that there will be an empty place in my life where he used to be.

Pissing, Moans, & Bitches

After 8 hours of instructing today, I’ve realized my schedule is pushing my physical limits. I’m doing too much. Work, overtime, school, instructing, charities it’s pushing me to exhaustion. If I’m gonna survive the coming months, I need to cut back.

Class ends in three weeks so that’s one less piece to worry about. My work schedule sign-up is coming in just a few days too. To accommodate my coming EMT hours, I have to stay on a 4-10 shift. This just means I won’t be able to go back to weekends off on a 5-8 shift. However, there is a good chance I can snag a Sun/Mon/Tue slot. That would be very much to my liking. Time will tell.

I’m only buying gifts for one person this year so xmas shopping is almost over. I’m also making an effort to get my xmas cards out on time THIS year. Last year, I mailed’em 3 days before christmas. Better late than never right? lol

In other news, I may have found an apt. to move into. It’s close to the Castro like I want. It’s not a done deal yet and it won’t be available till around February. I’m still planning on looking around after xmas for other deals. But it would be really nice if it panned out and I didn’t have to stress over it.

One last bitch before I forget. My favorite bakery, Le Bon Gateaux, has been turned into this freakishly modern coffee/juice shop w/all the comforts of a crack house an std clinic. WTF were they thinking? I give it 6 months before it folds.

But I’m not bitter…

Smooth Move Grace!

Isn’t it funny how some people are just soooo freaking graceful?

Today, I’m walking in the Castro. It’s raining and muggy out and I’m headed over to check the mail. This lady slips and falls down right in front of me. But it was the way she fell that struck me. She was very graceful about it. It was almost in slow motion. She didn’t even drop her umbrella. And by the time I’d bent over to help her she was already back up on her feet again. She promptly thanked me w/a shy smile.

I couldn’t help but giggle as I walked away. Had it been me, my feet probably would have flown right out from under me and I would have ended up flat on my back! (Imagine that, me on my back?) I am not, nor have I ever been, a graceful creature. I’m sure it all stems back to childhood but I am so tired of cracking that nut. I’ve resigned myself to being a klutz.

You’re probably thinking WTF? I told you a long time ago I was a weird one. Now you know.