Thank you to everyone for the kind words of sympathy. Having the weekend off helped get my mind off of it. Well, that and Rich was in town from Dallas. We hung out over the weekend and he was just what I needed to get out of my funk. Sweet and funny man. He made me laugh so much; just what the doctor ordered.
I have fun pics to post too. I’m on my way out to get some chores done but stay tuned for some good pics of us acting up over the weekend.
One of my coworkers mysteriously died last night. She works graveyard and after she got home early this morning, she was supposed to wake up to take her grandkids somewhere and that is how they found her. It is unknown what happened yet however, I can think of plenty worse ways to go.
Work, to say the least, is very emotional today. She was very well liked and a long time employee at our call center. In our line of work, we often disconnect ourselves from emergencies as a form of self-defense. However, when it happens to you directly or those close to you, disconnecting is impossible.
TH we miss and love you. I hope that you find happiness in your release from here.
…but in a good way.
A big thank you to all the kind words and encouragement I got from everyone. Some of the private emails and stories you shared made me tear up a little. Say what you will about blogging but I have found a true network of real, everyday guys who constantly suprise me w/their understanding, insight, and compassion.
I got an email from M today. It was just a quick hello and an apology for not getting back to me before he left. Knowing him somewhat, I’m also reading between the lines here. M is very much like me in that he doesn’t waste time or energy on unnecessary pleasantries. The email tells me one thing, I am on his mind.1 He also made a round-a-bout attempt to let me know he heard what I said and took it seriously. So basically, he has picked the ball up. What he does with it from here is still up in the air but I am a little bit gleeful today.
In other randomness, the trainer is still kicking my ass. I’ve lost about 10lbs of fat overall so far and can see a much nicer leanness in my frame. Since we just started the heavier weights this past week, I can’t report any significant muscle gains however, my muscles feel nice and tight now. Speaking of the gym, I had an encounter today that left me a little confused. I’ll tell ya more later.
On the training front, I’ve been bumped from my ride-alongs for a few weeks. My crew has paramedic intern riding w/them so I have to wait it out. No worries, I have all my required hours in already. I’m just keeping my skills up now. I must admit it is nice to actually have two whole days off though. I also found out the City is definitely on track for hiring EMT’s come June. I’m anxiously awaiting my notification by mail so I can get my name on the list.
What else? Work is work, same shit different day basically. I’ve pulled way back on a lot of the Union stuff in order to keep my sanity about me.
Ble-al, ble-al, ble-all, that’s all folks!
…equals Pansy Man Syndrome.
Oy! The whine is all empty and the cheese is gone. I sounded like such a crybaby last night. I think I was PMS’ing. Throw in a full moon and no wonder I was pining like a little school girl. Well boys, I can report the madness has left me! lol *polgtergeits lady* “This HOUSE is clean!”
Don’t get me wrong my feelings haven’t changed, I just can’t believe I was succombing to my base emotions. What a pussy. In a nutshell, I already told M how I felt and the ball is in his court. If he picks it up and runs with it great. If not, well I’m a big boy and its time to put up or shut up.
In happy tech news, I had to buy a new laptop. The current one has been running strong for 2 1/2 years, and bless its heart, it is on its last leg. One of the hinges is busted and the other is fast coming loose from the base. I was hoping to hold out a little longer for more compatibility w/Vista but if I don’t do something soon, I’ll w/o a laptop. And that would be a crime! hehehe
Oh, there is a private post coming up today too.
So after my big realization and then spilling my guts to M the other day I’ve been a complete basket case. I can’t get him out of my head. Every time my damn phone beeps I jump to see if its him. God, do I reek of sadness. What was I expecting? After my big confession he’d just jump right back into my life and everything would be hunky-dory? In a way, I think that is exactly what I was expecting. Well, my heart was but my head knows better. And let’s face it, patience has never been one of my better virtues.1 My buddy Terris from work was completely blown away today. He said he’d never seen me so “unsettled”. Unsettled? I told him to “blow me”. lol
I can’t help it. I’m naturally aggressive and when I want something I go for it.2 I also tend to obsess when something is on my mind. The good news is I’ve learned to wait before I acting on irrational impulses. That doesn’t prevent me from whining about it here though. He left today to go out of town for a whole week on work. Which is probably a good thing as it gives me time to clear my head. I guess deep down I’m afraid I might have blown it with the one guy who wanted me for the right reasons. Oh won’t that be a wonderful “life’s lesson” for the blog.
Just when I think I’ve learned all I can about myself, life throws me yet another curve ball. There is so much irony in this post it borders on hilarity.
I opened a can of worms tonight. Unlike my professional behavior, I have absolutely no patience when it comes to my heart. I ran into my soon-to-be-single friend again tonight at Starbucks. 1 He sits down and I was dead set on keeping it casual. His ex hasn’t moved out yet and I’m determined not to be a rebound. Ha! So much for that. We start talking and before I knew it, I was asking him what happened between us. I mean, I knew the first time was my fault. I wasn’t ready and I pushed him away. I readily admit that. It is not something I’m particularly proud of but it was my M.O. for quite awhile. Never intentionally but that doesn’t make it ok. Out of my own insecurities, I used to come on rather strong when I met someone new. However, once the newness wore off and I actually got to know the guy underneath, I would get bored and move on. Not very nice to the other person who thinks my strong signals mean more than they did. I’ve realized that about myself. The twist here is with M I didn’t get bored. It scared me and I ran. I don’t think I’ve ever shared this and I don’t like admitting it but, I hate fear as an emotion. Growing up in constant fear of my step-mother gave me that.2
What I didn’t know was the second time was sorta my fault as well. Turns out, he was more than a little hurt after the first time (unsurprisingly) and was afraid to get too close to me again. So, he pushed me away before I could do it to him a second time. The thing about me and attraction, I like to know the guy I’m into is into me. Unbeknownst to him of course, I was ready the second time and his lack of conviction hurt me. Tit for tat? Possibly but I doubt it. M is probably the only person I’ve ever broken things off with and regretted it aftewards. It didn’t help that right after our second split he met his new guy.3
Learning all of this brought me to tears. Not a gully washer but I did get a little teary-eyed. Here is the part where the preverbal can “gets opened”. He teared up as well. I knew, at that moment, he still cared for me. I pushed and I pushed hard. I couldn’t help myself. I apologized for the pain I caused him. I also told him I wanted him to have some space but when he is ready, I want to try again. I meant it too. I can’t say where it will lead but I’m ready this time. I think he is too.
The last great irony here? I don’t think it would have worked between us if I hadn’t had the fall out w/Drew. He shared w/me he also didn’t think it would have worked had he not met his soon-to-be ex.
My head and my heart are all a jumble at the moment.
With all the “secret squirrel” stuff going on, I haven’t really blogged much about the mundane stuff. Well, I’m here to fix that.
I can’t remember if I mentioned it but I bought a new duvet set for the bedroom. I originally went in for just a sheet set. Of course, I can never go into that store and only make one purchase. What I did is leave with a lot of bags and an empty wallet. *g* I bought a nice microsuede duvet cover (hunter green), a hypo-allergenic comforter, some new sheets, and 3 new pillows. Oh yes, my bed is nice and comfy now.
What else? The week has been pretty bland albeit busy. Still very little time for the xbox. *long sigh* I still have weekends but I’d rather do something in real time on my days off. Speaking of busy, the trainer is kicking my butt big time. We hit the heavy weights this week so I’m really feeling it. Oy! But, for all my whining, I’m very happy with him.
I’ve decided I’m over the new blog banner. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice but the green sorta conflicts w/the rest of the blog. I’m borrowing a page from Large Tony here and opening up bids for a new one. Any graphic designers out there wanna help a brother out? I’ll take the top three and let you decide which one is the best. I’ve found a couple of new ones I like but nothing wrong w/broadening my scope. I’m sure many of you noticed the Poll thingy on the right. I may or may not keep it. Time will tell.
Continue reading Week in Review II
Wow! I expected a small flurry of emails after my last post however, the number of folks who signed up really blew me away. I got 62 registrations. Sixty two! Who knew? lol And new ones are still rolling in. I’m more than a little flattered. Really. I’m honored so many folks actually read my madness. Ok, enough gushing, moving on now. Most of you I’ve already upgraded. You should now be able to see a private post I added last night.
There were a few folks I didn’t recognize. I emailed you directly and hope to hear back from you. I don’t need anything overly revealing. Just take a moment to introduce yourself and give me some sort of connection.
Abruptly switching gears here, I discovered recently a friend is splitting w/his beau. While I’m genuinely sorry it didn’t work out, I’m also a little bit gleeful.1 I dated said friend briefly. I let it fizzle out due to my own fears and insecurities. Frankly, I was afraid of getting close to someone after my ex. Of course, I realized (too late) that my interest in said friend was more than just a passing one. I regretted not pursuing it further but, not being a homewrecker, I gave him space and room to grow happy in the new relationship.2 Now that he is soon to be single again, I’m wondering how to proceed. Should I fess up to him or just try to strengthen our friendship and see where it leads? Tsk, tsk! Decisions decisions. It doesn’t help I also recently met someone from out of town that I enjoyed spending time with as well. And said someone, is coming to visit me again very soon.
I seem cursed to always end up having to choose between two guys. I am never am able to meet just one guy and take the time to see where it goes. I’m reminded of the phrase “when it rains, it pours” here. The real irony is I have no problem separating love and sex. Monogamy is something I’m not really into. However, I’m not very good at dating more than one person at a time. I wonder what Freud would have to say about that?
Oh well, only time will tell I guess. In the meantime, I’ll continue being my normal incorrigible self.
My blog has evolved quite a bit since I started. You few long time readers will know the ole blog started as a form of self-therapy. Well, I’m happy to report I’ve been able to put more than a few demons to rest in the last few years.1 And while the blog will always be primarily about my life and all the nonsense that entails, I think it’s time to broaden my scope a bit. I’m coming up on my third full year and my 1000th post. I think I’m ready.
Up until now, the blog has focused primarily on my trials and my goals. And while both are true aspects of my id, I feel, more and more lately, like the blog is only a partial representation of who I am. There are good and bad parts (depending on perspective of course) that I often choose not to share for a variety of reasons. Oh, I still write about them, I just lock them away from everyone but me.2 Well, not anymore. I’ve decided to include other things including some of my more ‘adult‘ behavior. Now before you start salivating too much, I’m not refering to “nudie” pics of myself3 but more of an insight into that part of my life. I’ve mentioned on several occasions what a carnal creature I am so now it’s time to put up or shut up. I will add here, be careful what you wish for. You may loose your lofty view of me after reading too much. Consider yourself fore warned.
Of course, I’m left w/the worry that people I don’t want seeing such antics will. Well, that is the great thing about WordPress. I can limit who sees what based on user levels. So, I mentioned a while back about the need to sign up as a registered user. Well, that little tidbit is becoming live. You’ll notice on the left a “log-in” link.4 You can click to log-in and/or register. Usually, once you log in the first time, a cookie is set on your computer so you don’t have to do it every time. Your level of access is set by me obviously. Keep in mind subscribing to my RSS feed or updates by email is not the same thing.
You’ll know when you’re viewing “sensative” material as the title will show a little lock icon and a number at the end of it. The number will indicate your level of access. A few of you already know and have access so if we’ve had this conversation, there is no need for you to redo it.
There you have it. I’m opening things up a bit. Remember, I warned you. If you don’t want to read such antics, don’t log-in or simply log out anytime you feel the need.