Category: family

BLECH!

So, the chest cold I’ve been trying to fight off has won. I am in the full throes of it today. Coughing up a lovely blechly looking goo. How’s that for an image?

I called the doc and he says its a viral thing going around so not much I can do but wait it out. He did recommend some over-the-counter stuff. The odd part is I’m not really coughing a lot. But when I do, it’s the horrible deep painful cough from deep within. Christ almighty! I detest being sick. I don’t have any fevers yet and otherwise I’m mobile.

I’m dragging my carcass down to the castro to have a big bowl of soup.

OH! and a big thank you to everyone for the kind comments and emails about my dad. I’ve worked thru most of my feelings w/him and I just hate knowing he is suffering. Without sounding morbid, I’m hoping he passes soon as no one should ever suffer like that.

A Moment In History

Today marks the death of my mother. She passed away from lung cancer Feb. 23rd, 1978.

While I no longer get worked up about it, I still try to remember her. She died when I was only 7 years old. I remember the year I turned 15 thinking how unfair it was that I’d been alive longer w/o her than w/her. I took it really hard that year. The only source of comfort was my first love who tried his best to ease my pain.

It’s funny, I seemed to suffer more that year than I had at her passing. I’m sure it is related to my becoming an adult but it hurt a lot.

So, today is in remembrance of you mom. If you’re still up there don’t judge me too harshly, I’m doing the best I can.

Thank You Again

A big thank you to all my blogging friends (and strangers) who sent such kind words of encouragement.

I haven’t quite caught up yet so if I haven’t gotten back to you personally, please bear w/me. I’m a bit backlogged. I took the laptop w/me but didn’t have a chance to update much from Nowhere, TX.

A big thank you to Carmen for his sheer tenacity. Apparently, he sat down and read the entire blog. You gotta give him kudos for having that much stamina. LOL *thanks for the link as well Carmen*

Meanwhile Back At The Ranch….

OY! Its good to be home. I’m almost recovered from the trip. I was so exhausted. The flight home was pretty uneventful. I managed to catch an earlier flight on the layover in Chicago. They didn’t charge me anything extra which was a big surprise. I don’t mind flying American but they use those tiny frelling S80 planes that get uncomfortable after about an hour.

Thoughts I pondered while away:

  1. I rented a 05 Monte Carlo for less than the price to rent a GEO here in SF.
  2. Whataburger Rules! We need them here in SF
  3. Q:Why Houston is so Obese? A:No one walks and there are fast food joints on every corner.
  4. Cops in other States don’t care that you work for them in California
  5. Everyone in TX asks me about Earthquakes like everyone here asks about hurricanes there.

Other random bits of info.
My youngest brother is 9 years younger than me.
My oldest brother is 9 years older than me.
The Aunt I didn’t want to see wasn’t there. Apparently, she was told if she couldn’t keep her mouth shut to stay away until I left. I guess that was her answer.
The 2 other remaining Aunts were there. Neither of them recognized me until introduced by a sibling.
Everyone kept asking where my special friend was. I got so tickled by the attempt to include him I couldn’t tell them we weren’t’ together anymore.

A distant cousin came out to me in private. He wanted to know what it was like to take it like a man? My response, I’d have to show you to make you understand. Just kidding, I said it’s just like losing your cherry. Only you get to do it over and over and over. *g*

My gay brother [1]ok, straight w/gay tendencies is more like it. is remarried and has two kids now. He didn’t say more than two words to me the whole time I was there. *I feel sad for him*

Oh, and a tidbit I didn’t know…The entire clan thinks my first girlfriends kid is mine. How that happened I’ll never know. Considering the kid was born 2 1/2 years after we “did the deed” and looks nothing remotely like me.

I love Neanderthal looking men. Can’t help it. Guys w/over developed jaws and strong foreheads just do it for me. *had nothing to do w/the rant but just thought I’d slip that in there as one just walked by*

I still know how to call cattle.

I can still skin a deer in 20 minutes flat.

No matter where I go, home still feels like home.

References

References
↑1 ok, straight w/gay tendencies is more like it.

Home & Back Again

Well, I’m home again. Boy am I glad to be home! The trip took alot out of me. I think more than I was originally willing to admit. Anyway, I’ve pieced together my ramblings while away. **Its took me several days to get this into a form the I feel truly expresses the power of the ordeal**

How does one close the book on a lifetime of avoidance? How do you comfort someone that you barely know in their darkest hour? How do you tell a total stranger you love him and mean it? These are just a few of the questions I pondered as I gazed on my bedridden father in the last days of his life.

The answer? The best way you can. He was in awful shape. Gone was the big strong man I remembered of youth. Gone was the dominant voice and powerful control of those around him. In its place was left a skeleton of a man, peeking out of a cancer ravaged body, holding onto the last thread of his life in the vain hope of a miracle. I have never felt such shame as I did then. I couldn’t even look him in the face at first. I think I focused so much on preparing my defenses, I forgot he is dying. As I gazed down on the man who caused me so much pain through out my life, I found my only thoughts were of comforting him. I never thought in a million years that by just being there this past weekend, I could bring him so much joy.

I have to stop now….

**I’m writing again, this time on the plane trip home**
How do I pick up where I left off? I can’t really think of a way that works so I’ll just dive back into it. I find I no longer care whether my father admits he was wrong for all the things he did to me. Sometimes you have to let go w/o getting a resolution. By letting go, you release yourself from the misery and pain of abuse. The breakup w/the ex taught me that. I can’t help but wonder if the breakup was a lesson learned to prepare me for this.

I think I was hoping to resolve my issues w/the family by making a last stand against them. Ain’t it funny how things never work out the way you expect? For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong to a family.

*The plane is landing, more later*

Sick to my Stomach

OY! I’m almost there. I’m in Dallas on a layover and I’ve had an upset stomach all day. Not sure if its because I didn’t get much sleep, I’m nervous, getting sick, or a little of all three. To top it off, I almost went to the wrong airport. I’m so used to flying out of Oakland I was on auto-pilot today and was 2 steps away from stepping on the Bart train in the wrong direction!

At the last minute, I thought to check the ticket and sure enough, I’m flying out of SFO! Of course, it takes about 15 minutes longer to get to SFO on Bart so I immediately start watching my watch to make sure I have enough time. Fate seemed to be on my side because everything went smoothly. I didn’t encounter a single glitch along the way. We even got to Dallas 20 minutes early. Of course, the plane before us hadn’t left yet so we got to spend the 20 minutes on the runway but I’m not complaining.

So here I sit, on the floor next to gate C33, waiting for the flight. The plane just arrived and appears to be on time.

Heading Home / Bad Memories

Well, tomorrow is the big day. My flight leaves at 8:00am from SFO w/a brief layover in Dallas. I’m taking the laptop so maybe I’ll get lucky and snap off some pictures to post afterwards. I’m sure everyone is just dying to see the trailer house in all its glory. lol

I’m poking fun to avoid the issue. I’ve been jittery all week thinking about the coming drama. I found out my dad’s remaining siblings will be there as well. I’m expecting a shitstorm of drama. I’m as prepared as I can be I guess. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous. It’s hard to be self-righteous when you as ignorant as most of them are.

Ok, that was probably a little mean. I think my dander is up in preparation. Truthfully, I think my father’s family loves me in their own way. They just don’t know any better. They haven’t seen hide nor hair of me since I left home so I’m sure they are just as nervous about “you know so & so’s boy, the gay one” coming home. I’ll admit, I got a twisted tickle out of it when I heard that is how some of my relatives refer to me now. Forgetting for a moment, they were around thru most of my childhood. It’s like I’m some foreign object that has wedged itself in the stain that is our family. *g*

There is one Aunt, I’m hoping isn’t there. I used to be very close to her as a child. After leaving home, I stayed w/my grandmother the summer of my 16th birthday. She was very ill and no one else would take care of her. She was a feisty old woman and none of her ‘chirrens’ were willing to move in, so I did. Anyway, my fave Aunt’s youngest son, who was 5 years older than me came to stay as well. I adored him. Up until then, I’d always wanted him to be my brother. What I didn’t know is one of my brothers had told him “about” me. So one night, he wakes me up and wants to know if I’d be willing to ‘service’ him. I said no, so he told everyone that I attacked him in his sleep and tried to molest him. Hmmmmm, a 16yo attacking a 21yo in his sleep and winning? Does that sound any kind of reasonable? Well, they all decided it was my fault because of “you know, he IS that way”. Add one more item to the shit list.

After that my fave Aunt wouldn’t have anything to do with me. It was almost as painful as having my father kick me out. The only person who believed me was my grandmother. She saw right thru his lying ass and told him as much. She kicked him to the curb too. She told him he was never welcome in her home ever again until he admitted he had lied. To this day, I don’t know why see believed me over him. She died the following year. Being her spiteful self, when she divided up her meager belongings in her will, she left out the Aunt and gave me her portion. Wasn’t much but it helped me get into college. I never got to say thank you to that old woman. I think she knows though.

So, I’m hoping she, the Aunt, isn’t there. Mainly, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I just know she’ll bring it up out of anger and make me call her on it. Years later, her son went down a very destructive path and has been in constant trouble since. He was her pride and to have him turn out so bad was a big disappointment. What she doesn’t know is her son told my oldest brother he lied about it. And he will be there. A fight I’m hoping to avoid as I’m not the defenseless child she ‘cussed’ out oh so long ago.

God, how did I get off on this topic. I guess I’m dragging up old memories. I haven’t talked about the Aunt in the longest time. I wonder if she misses me?

Shizer! Gotta run, I was voted Treasurer for our Union Chapter at work recently and today is my first chapter meeting.

Steady Decline

I was right in the middle of a patting myself on the back for being elected Union Treasurer and Steward at work when the phone rang. Talk about a mood killer. Apparently, daddy-o has taken another turn for the worse. I guess my brothers aren’t giving me all of the info on his condition. Somehow, its gone from just having cancer in his hip to having cancer in his hip, abdomen, and prostate. I was none to happy to discover all the new info this late in the game. My father has gone back to not knowing where he is. Both of my brothers think he is in the last days and urging me to hurry home.

Well, the flight is booked for Thursday. No thanks to my so called friend George, at twice the cost. I had to max out two credit cards. UGH! Shame on me for depending on someone else I guess. George works for an airline and had offered to let me use one of his buddy passes so I’d have more flexibility on dates. Well here it is the week before and he keeps blowing me off.

So rather than call him yet again to firm up, I booked the tickets myself.

Baby’s Daddy – continued…

Well the trip to see my father is fast approaching and I’m still a bit mixed up about it. Of course, most people hearing of his pending death, immediately offer condolences and start to worry if “I’m doing ok”. Since I don’t ‘do’ funerals, this trip will be the last time I ever lay eyes on him. After the tragedy of my childhood my views on death have changed significantly. This ties into my spiritual beliefs as well. I don’t know exactly when it happened but one day I just stopped fearing death. Simply put, I come to view death as a crossing of sorts, not a dead end. If I had known this when I lost my first love it would have saved me so much unnecessary anguish. Crap! I’m getting off topic a bit. So anyway, I won’t be going to his funeral. What has got me a bit apprehensive is the coming showdown.

Knowing him and how he likes to procrastinate, he won’t say anything until I’m ready to leave, then he’ll bring it all up and try to foster his guilt off on me. His modus operandi has always been to apologize for his behavior and then immediately try to blame me for the whole thing. I think he would rather I had never told him and just lied about it. He is able to justify his actions that way. So with this in mind, I’m forced into a dilemma. Do I swallow my self-pride and dignity that took me years to find and just let him do it so he can pass on w/a clear conscience or do I stand by who/what I am till the very end? His end.

If you read my blog often, you can probably guess the answer already.