Young

It is no secret I’ve never really been into young guys. And by young, I mean guys in their 20’s (or younger). I seem to be noticing a trend of very young guys being all up in my grill as of late. While I have no problem with being a Daddy, if I’m literally old enough to be your father, I am soooo not interested. lol

Maybe I am old-fashioned but even in the gay world, I think there should be some limitations. I’m all for not getting hung up on someone’s age but being more than half my age younger is just too much.1  I won’t say it’s wrong as to what two consenting adults do, but when you are in your 20’s you rarely have an objective view of being in a relationship, much less with someone twice your age.

A very young man happened to see me at the Casto St Fair. I never saw him but apparently he saw me. He hit me up online later and was very insistent we ‘hang out.’  I’m sure you can gather what that meant. lol He was literally 2 days past his 20th birthday and looked very boyish. Both of which do nothing for me. I politely declined, several times. He was indignant at this point and jumped from calling me an ageist (he got points for at least knowing the term) to a racist. Don’t ask me how I was racist considering he looked white. lol He then tried the arrogant route as if his age was somehow a blessing to me and I should be grateful he even offered. Nope, still not interested.

After I had stopped responding, I guess he figured he’d try again. This time he asked why I wasn’t interested. Instead of feeding into that, I explained to him that the why wasn’t important and he shouldn’t ask that. He clearly had no idea how to handle rejection2 so I took it upon myself to explain it to him. No matter what a person says regarding the ‘why’, it’s going to offend you. You’re going to be defensive no matter what so it is an exercise in futility. Instead of wondering why, move on. No one is everyone’s type and attraction has to be both ways for it to work. That’s all you really need to know. If someone takes the time to politely decline instead of ignoring you, be grateful they showed manners at all.

The kid seemed to really get it. He even apologized for being so rude. He kept hitting on me the whole time but he knew it wasn’t happening. I hope he learns from it and behaves better the next time.

  1. The fact my Pup is 10 years my junior should demonstrate my flexibility. []
  2. lord knows we all go thru it []

WWMD – Coming Out

This is a hard question for me to answer. Having some significant mental (and physical) scars from my own coming-out, it is not something I often look back on fondly. That said, I’ve come a long way over the years and I wish I would have had the options most gay people have today.

Q: How do you recommend coming out to your family/friends?

A: As I sat down to write this, I realized I’ve touched on it in a variety of ways over the years. I guess it took someone asking before I could tie it all together in one cohesive post.

First off, I hate to break it to ya but there is no one-size-fits-all answer here.  Everyone has a different situation. While I am a big believer in openness and honesty, you have to weigh that honesty with self-preservation. If you are dependent on another, financially or otherwise, it is not always easy to take the high road. However, once you’ve reached a financial stability in your life, fear of survival is no longer an excuse.

From my own experiences growing up in a very rural secluded area, my view of gay people was the limp-wristed, feminine stereotype. While not representing said stereotype, I clearly recognized some traits in myself. It scared the shit out of me at the time.1 I spent many years trying to convince myself I wasn’t really gay. I had no desire to wear women’s clothing/makeup so I couldn’t possibly be gay. I just had this odd sexual attraction to men I couldn’t control no matter how much I wished it away or beat myself up over it. I continuously tried to control my thoughts, feelings, and impulses to no avail. My burgeoning sexuality would not be denied and no matter how hard I tried, I could not “convince” or “change” myself into being 100% straight.2 The mental anguish I put myself thru was intense and severe. On top of that, I felt guilty for not being able to control myself and this only made me feel worse. It wasn’t until years later I began to realize my failed attempts to ‘fix’ myself were total irrational bullshit

So, the first thing you need to accept and resolve in yourself is that you are not a bad person. You do not need to punish or chastise yourself for expressing a perfectly natural impulse (to you). Whether society has yet to realize that simple truth or not, you have an inalienable right to exist and be, just like everyone else. And for cracker’s sake, do not fall for the foolish notion you have to conform to a higher standard just to obtain the basic rights given to everyone else. We do not need to hold ourselves to a higher standard to obtain equal treatment.

Once you come to terms with accepting yourself, you need to realize you are not alone. While being gay still carries stigma in society, we are more vocal and visual than ever before. Yes, we still have a hard road ahead of us, but we have more rights than anytime in modern history. Not only that, the age of technology and the internet has made it easier than ever to reach out to others. On a side note, your sexuality on the Kinsey Scale may vary based on genetics.3

Please understand your refusal to act on natural impulses does not make you a ‘convert’ no matter how hard the religious fundies try to say otherwise. Teaching yourself to hate or deny your id is wrong and unhealthy at best. The real damage often comes from trying to force yourself to be something you aren’t, straight. Not only do we end up hurting ourselves, we also hurt people around us.

I won’t tackle the religion angle here other than to make one point. The fundamental failure in religious interpretation is the failed assumption sexuality is a choice vs genetic. Science (and nature) has consistently shown sexuality is tied as much to our genetics as anything else. And frankly, how much gall does it take for someone who is straight to try and tell someone who is gay its a choice?  So because you (as a straight person) can’t identify with being gay, it must be a choice? Oh yeah Watson, brilliant deduction skills there. /sarcasm.

Back to the topic. Ultimately, you have to do what you think is right for you. I would argue you will spend more amounts of time more trying to hide it than you ever would dealing with the issues that come up over being honest. Hiding behind fear is not the answer. To borrow a phrase, “fear is the mind-killer”. It will cripple you and potentially do irreparable harm to your mental/physical well-being. IMHO, you cannot deny such a fundamental tenant of your existence. To do so only works for so long. Eventually the id finds a way to express itself, be it emotional or physical. Oh and don’t think for a moment living a ‘straight’ life with discreet encounters on the side makes you any more straight. You are only deluding yourself. Chances are high, your family, friends, coworkers, etc probably already know or suspect.  Humans have innate senses and often put things together whether it be on a conscious level or not.

I have a firm belief the driving force in society changing peoples minds is each of us living openly and honest.  People quickly realize we aren’t that much different when you get right down to it. Yeah, we enjoy same sex relationships, but otherwise we are pretty much the same. Our only ‘agenda’ is to have the same basic rights afforded everyone else under the law, free of persecution; the pursuit of life, love, and happiness. We have the same goals, ideals, hopes and dreams.

So that is my answer. Take it as you will.

  1. Ironically, I later turned myself into the very same stereotype in an attempt to fit in. []
  2. Not to mention, the very thought of sex with a woman totally grossed me out. lol []
  3. Not everyone ranks as polar opposites, totally straight or gay. It may take you some time to figure this part out. []

WWMD

This month’s WWMD is a bit heart-wrenching. One of my readers who has never commented confided in me recently. I have his permission to share his question anonymously.

Q: I just found out I am HIV-positive. I’m so scared and I feel like my life is over. I feel lost and confused. What should I do?

A: First, let go of the guilt, blame, and shame over your conversion. Beating yourself up over a mistake isn’t the answer. I often hear from so many gay men who can’t let go of the shame and guilt of sero-converting. Well, guess what? It just means you are human. We all make mistakes. Sometimes, those mistakes cost more than we ever expected or thought. There are a variety of support groups online and off that you can join to help in this arena, especially if you find yourself struggling to adjust. You will probably find them very inviting and supportive.

Second, your life is not over. HIV isn’t the death sentence it used to be. While people are still dying across the globe, in Western culture HIV is much more of a chronic illness now. With proper medication/management, you can easily live 20, 30, 40+ years. See your doc, get a genome test done. If your doc doesn’t want to do one, find another doc. This will determine which meds are best for you. More importantly, this will also prevent you from going on a poorly constructed cocktail1 and burning thru whole classes of medications.

Educate yourself about HIV in general. Knowledge is power and you want to be well-armed, so to speak, when making decisions about your long-term health. You’d be surprised how many people know very little or are completely ignorant of how HIV is transmitted, etc. There are two main types of HIV2 along with a variety of ‘sub-types’. Chances are high you probably have a subtype of HIV-1. I could go on and on but that would quickly bore you to sleep.

Along the same line of thought, take care of yourself physically. Drugs, drinking, smoking, etc are all things you should cut out or keep to a minimum in your life. Your diet is equally important. You don’t have to give up all the foods you love however, some consideration must be givin to trying to balance out your diet. Medication or not, your body is fighting a constant war. Taking care of yourself ensures it has the ammo it needs to carry on the fight. Abusing/neglecting yourself suppresses your immune systems ability to fight. If you don’t workout, I suggest you start. You don’t have to live in the gym but working out helps to strengthen your immune system. Sports or other fun outdoor activities can be just as beneficial.

Navigating the social, emotional, and psychological impact is much more complicated. You are going to encounter ignorance, fear, distrust, and even outright hostility at times. Human beings can be callas and even cruel when faced with the idea of their own mortality. I’m not sure I’m really qualified to give you advice here. Everyone is different and their path is often based as much on their personal beliefs and feelings as much as facts. Reach out to other poz guys and listen to their stories. Not only is it empowering, it also firmly moves you out of the “I’m a victim” mentality.

The psychological impact will probably be more of a constant. Some guys struggle with their internal shame and never truly get over it. Others embrace their status and see it as liberating since they no longer have to worry. Others still see it as just a nuisance that has to be managed and sometimes rears its ugly head. Who am I to say which answer or approach is best. You will have to discover for yourself what works for you.

Know this my friend(s). No matter what, you are loved and this does not make you any less worthy or deserving of love, respect, etc. Your right to be and exist is unchallenged. While navigating the hardships ahead may not always be easy, accept yourself (and your faults) and do not let anyone try to make you feel any different.

All my best to you.

  1. common term for a group of medications taken together to combat/treat HIV []
  2. often referred to as HIV-1 and HIV-2 []

WWMD v3.2

So last month we talked about meeting new people in the plutonic sense.  This month is more about the intimate or sexual sense.  *This is a bit of an adult topic.*  I’m clearly very open about sex and see nothing wrong with it.  Not everyone fits the same mold and I fully understand that.  I do what works for me and so should you. 

Q: How do you meet new people for casual fun or possibly dating?

A: First and foremost, be yourself.  Have a clear idea what you are and are not looking for and stick to it.  Don’t be afraid to tell someone you are inexperienced or still discovering what floats your boat.  Some guys get off on that and it might make for even more fun.  If you are looking for someone to date, I highly recommend taking the plutonic approach and letting things build.  Don’t try to make everyone you meet into a potential boyfriend.  You’ve already prejudiced yourself if you do that. 

If you are more of a slut like me, then keep an open mind.  Not every booty calls has to remain that way.  If you find you have a good connection with someone, see where it leads.  It might start off as sex and turn into something more meaningful.  Either way, if you don’t feel a spark or connection, don’t lead the other guy on.  Besides saving you a lot of drama, it shows you have integrity. 

Again, I don’t recommend bars but if you must. . .  If you go out looking for nookie it is probably better if you go alone.  Or at the very least, have a clear understanding with your friend(s) that you are on the prowl.  I’d highly recommend not expecting to always score.  This often leads to either lame sex w/someone you aren’t really interested in or personal disappointment.1  For safety reasons (and a little common sense), I’d recommend you have a buddy system.  Someone you can text, call, or email if you make plans to go home with someone.  Never hurts to take a modicum of precaution. lol  And for the love of crackers, if you are neg and wish to remain that way, do not let what a complete stranger tells you about their HIV status dictate what type of sex you have.  You should have a range of sexual activity you are comfortable doing regardless of a person’s status.  This avoids making poor decisions that may lead to very unpleasant consequences.  Ultimately, no one is responsible for your health but you.  And frankly, people lie!  Being in the moral right won’t do you much good if you seroconvert. 

If the bars are as unappealing to you as they are to me, there is online and of course, places that are geared for sex.  There are plenty of online sites out there focused on dating and/or hooking up.  Some are free, some charge.  I do find on most of the free sites the ratio of drama and frustration tends to be higher.  A buddy system works equally as well here.  Again, a little common sense goes along way.  And don’t fall into the lame ass trap that so many do.  Be honest about your desires, stats, and pics.  You may get less interest but the interest you do get will be legit.  Trust your instincts, if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. 

Depending on where you live, there are a variety of places you can go to find sex w/o all the online BS.  This, of course, is a comfort level.  Some people don’t enjoy sex clubs, some are too uncomfortable, some just can’t relax enough.  Ya never know unless you try.  Bookstores tend to be dirty and rather degrading.  However, there is a bit of fetish involved in such an anonymous hookup.2  Sex clubs and baths are often a tad cleaner.  Sex clubs usually follow a theme or cater to certain fetish(es).  At the tubs you usually have the option of privacy and the ability to clean up before and/or after. heehee  Again, it depends on your comfort, what you are looking for, etc.   Myself, I like variety.

I don’t really recommend outdoor sex like parks, public restrooms and such.  Again, this tends to cater to a fetish however, public sex is still illegal in all 50 states.  If that floats your boat, just be prepared to deal with the consequences. 

Regardless, the goal here is to be creative and don’t limit yourself to one area. 

*

Of course, my advice here assuming you are out and open.  Lying or deceiving a significant other is just bad karma and often comes back to bite you in the ass.  This is also assuming you aren’t one of those guys who constantly cloaks his booty calls under the term “dating”.  If you aren’t into random hookups, there is nothing wrong with that.  If you are, still nothing wrong with it.  What works for one may not work for all.  I’ll say it again, be honest with yourself about your desires, fantasies, wants, etc.  You won’t find fulfillment if you can’t learn to express yourself both emotionally and physically. 

  1. And yes, I realize sometimes easier said than done. []
  2. Depending on where you live, this also could be a little risky. []

WWMD v3.1

So this month’s What Would Moby Do is much less risqué. lol  Actually, I find this question comes up a lot and is a doozy for newbies to the world of gay.  It is also a two part-er, hence the 3.1.

Q: How do you meet people for friendship?

A:  There are a variety of ways to meet new people.  Bars, online, social gatherings, volunteering, etc can all be venues based on where you live.1 

Make an effort.  Don’t show up somewhere and just expect others to magically engage you in conversation.  You don’t have to be the life of the party, little nudges go a long way though.  Be yourself, be honest.  Let go of any unrealistic expectations of what or who you should or shouldn’t be.  No one likes a phony and it often takes way too much effort to maintain such a facade. 

Volunteering is a great way to not only meet people but you get to do a good deed.  Find gay related charities or organizations in your area.  It doesn’t have to be a lifetime commitment but it should be something you can relate to or enjoy.  Play the “newbie” angle.  Use it as an excuse to introduce yourself to others.  You’d be surprised how many people will reach out and try to make you feel welcome. 

Join a social group that involves hobbies or activities you enjoy.  Same as volunteering, you get to meet new people and work that “newbie” status! lol  This can go hand in hand w/online social sites.  There are plenty to choose from.  Chances are high any hobby you pick there will be a social site dedicated to it.  If you take the online route, take the time to fill out your profiles with your info, likes, dislikes, goals, hobbies, etc.  Like anything in life, you get out of it what you put into it.  I keep a master word (text works just as well) file with all of my profile data in it.  I can easily copy and paste it if I find myself joining a new or different site. 

Continue reading WWMD v3.1

  1. Living in a remote or small town might mean having to trek to the closest big city. []

WWMD (What Would Moby Do?)

I figured out what was going on with the pics.  It was a plugin.  I didn’t tinker with it but I did upgrade it yesterday.  It is the same plugin that allows me to restrict certain posts to regsitered users.  After pulling my hair (yeah, my hair) out for a couple hours this morning, I found the offending code and snipped it.   Anyway, on to today’s post.  

Over the years, I seem to have developed a rather consistent following of lurkers.1  I routinely get requests for advice, how-to, what-ifs, etc from this same group.  Being very open about my sexuality its often adult stuff but not always.  I figured why not start sharing?  heehee  Anonymous of course, don’t want to embarrass anyone.  I’ll try to do one every month but don’t get your knickers in a twist if I miss one.  Welcome to the very first WWMD!

Today’s question actually came in from several different readers so I figured it would be a good start. 

Q: How do you tell a guy you are not interested in him sexually? Or, how do you tell a guy you’ve been with once you aren’t interested in a repeat session.

A: I’m a big believer in honesty.  I find honesty to be the best policy in so many ways.  And while not always well-received at first, anyone worth their salt will respect you for it.  Plus, it does away with extended drama, uncomfortable exchanges later, and/or awkward public meetings.  You don’t have to be rude or ugly but you also don’t have to let the awkwardness or fear of alienation trick you into taking a less-honorable route. 

It may take a few attempts until you get the wording/phrasing down right as to not come off as rude.  You can even start out with telling the person you wanna be honest.  Don’t mislead the other person especially if they are “fishing”.2

This allows you to avoid being “the bad guy” or having to put up with someone else’s issues.  Being respectfully honest puts any issues squarely back in the other persons lap.  I know that sounds a bit callous but very relevant unfortunately.  And let me be frank, anyone who gets angry or irritated at you for being honest probably isn’t worth your time anyway. 

The other side of the coin is you might make a friend.  I’ve actually made several friends thru “encounters” that either didn’t go as planned or didn’t happen at all.  One particular friend comes to mind, I truly would have regretted not getting to know him.  

 

So there you have it.  The first official WWMD!  How’d I do?

  1. people who read often but never comment publicly []
  2. Using phrases meant to imply they want more, be it physical or emotional. []