Not sure really what else to call it. And I was doing so well too….
I was completely overcome by a sense of loneliness tonight at dinner. Kind of odd for me as I’ve always been of the mindset; being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. That said, this was distinctly loneliness. Loneliness in its raw and ugly power. I was mid way thru dinner at my favorite sushi joint in the Castro when it hit me. (The ex and I used to go there a lot.) I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t eaten there since the breakup, the holidays, or a little of both. I do know I was so overcome I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself. I was halfway into tears when the anger hit me. . .
Anger that I’ve let someone put me in the position of feeling this way. Anger that I’m making a fool of myself in public. Anger that I felt like a complete basket case if only for a few minutes. Anger that I am still capable of missing him after what he did to me. And yes anger over being angry.
And after anger came reason and sanity once again prevailed. I’m able to laugh now as I’ve managed to pulled myself together. My head knows its over. I just wish I could get my heart to fall in line. Maybe I should just admit to myself that I still have unresolved feelings about the breakup. Before I met the ex, I had reached a point in my life where I felt complete and whole. I wanted a partner but it had become a possible future instead of a goal in life. Fast forward to now, I’m having a hard time getting back to that place in my head. Damn it! Why can’t I be like Data from Star Trek. Just snap my emotions on/off on a whim? Why? Because, thats what its like to be human I guess. As sad as I get sometimes, I’m still able to remember that. And I think sometimes, thats the only thought that keeps me going. Hope springs eternal. . . .