Looking Back

I’m considering publishing some of my old written journals on the blog.

I found one of my old written journals from about 1o years ago the other day while unpacking some boxes. It was around this time I realized my childhood insecurities were crippling me as an adult. To say I was dysfunctional is putting it mildy. I was a mess! Oddly enough, most of my entries were optimistic. Often yearning for a better life, somtimes realistic, sometimes very UNrealistic. I kept waiting for something or more astutely someone to happen to me. I hadn’t yet contemplated the term of self-acceptance. My self-esteem and self-image were so low as to be non-existent. I was very skinny in a muscle bound world of gay men. Skinny w/a big butt. (Well, I thought it was big but, in hindsight, it wasn’t so big.) Throw in a heavy dose of low self-worth courtesy of my stepmother and you have a recipe for the classic dysfunctional adult. Not surprisingly, I lived at the whim of my emotions and desires.

I must admit, I’m a bit apprehensive. It was a time in my life when morals were foreign to me. I did things I’m not proud of. I was self-centered and selfish w/o even realizing it. Course, it’s hard to be moral and self-righteous when you aren’t sure where you next meal is coming from.

If I am to put my money where my mouth is, I should do it. Maybe my mistakes can help someone else.

4 thoughts on “Looking Back”

  1. Moby —
    Obviously any personal journals or ‘memoirs’ are just that – personal. Not an easy thing to say lets share myself with the rest of the world. It seems now you have pulled your life together and appear more conifdent. If you’re aiming to do it, you’re probably ready for it as you sound more confident and comfortable with yourself. You have a good thought process behind it…that it may help someone.

    I know all about self-confidence and self-worth or should I say lack of. And oddly enough my family had nothing to do with it. It was the world around me. Being bullied, never good enough to be part of ahtletics, yada, yada, yada. The typical things that so often tramatize a kid of a more sensative, compassionate nature. You don’t ever think something like that carries over but it does. I think there are still elements in my life that are hangovers from the past. Think the good thing is recognizing now and thinking/working through them when they surface.

    Granted you had unique circumstances. If I recall somewhere in your blog you mentioned being kicked out at an early age. Was that because you came out? Were there ever any siblings to offer support at some point? or did they merely side with your parents?

    Anyway, you’ll know if its right to post the journals.

  2. “Maybe my mistakes can help someone else.”

    They will help MANY. There are probably loads of readers who would benefit from you. One word I would use to describe your blog is “Honest”. I know how much NOT alone I felt after reading your blog and others. If you went through it, chances are there are about a million other guys going through it right now.

  3. Tomorrow is the one year later date for my Dad (and eleven year for my boyfriend’s Dad). I remember you lost your Dad about a year ago, too. My thoughts are with you.

  4. I have to echo the above comments, especially Tony. Imparting very personal information is never easy, but ultimately if you are lucky enough to have the benefit of refelective analysis,and learn from it, that by definition means something clicked. In other words things are better now than before.

    I can tell you it does give you a sense of strength, as well as makes issues seem just a bit less daunting when you express them, and accept the feedback, good or not so good, that ensues. Without exception, every time I have done that I have recieved some sort of feedback that indicated sharing my experiences was helpful to someone.

    Then again, that is a very individual decision to make, though I’m confident we share that trait.

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