Old Journals – 1.1.97

Everyone was so supportive, I thought I’d go for it. Over the coming month, I’ll probably post from several old journals. They are very scattered as I hadn’t really developed the skill for it nor the habit of writing consistently. However, that’s not really the point.

This one was taken from an old journal entry back in 1997. It was my first real forray into writing down my thoughts. A relationship that I never should have been in had just ended and I was alone, lonely, and miserable. A relationship that I’d moved across three states for,Houston to Boulder. I’d heard about journaling as a form of therapy and thought it might be helpful for me. It is unedited for grammar or content.*

*While writing this entry, I was sitting on a giant boulder overlooking a creek inside a canyan between the Flatirons in Boulder, CO. It was one of my favorite places to go and relax. It was called Dream Canyan.*

This is a journal I have always wanted to start but never have. It’s the first day of the new year. Pat has left for Atlanta & I am still here in Boulder, CO. I really don’t know why I have stayed but, here I am. I really like my job & I guess I ‘m afraid if I leave I wont’ be able to find another job like this one. I am making more now than I ever have before however, it is very expensive to live here. I am barely scraping by. I am thinking of moving to Denver w/Daniel. As roommates go, he is not bad. A slob but not bad. I would, at least, be able to become a part of the gay scene there. Boulder has no scene at all. Something has to change soon. I have given up alot for love on different occasiona & I just am not willing to do it again. I want to focus on my own life & hopefully get it together. I have started working out again. I would like to get my ass in shape. At least, to tone up and be firm. Not to please others but to please myself.

I have started on my metaphysical journey as well. I am learning all I can in the little time I have left. I have to to realize if I want to change my life it will be short little changes rather than large all-at-once changes that never succeed. Little by little, I am getting there. I want so much to be a different type of person. Right now, I tend to be shallow and judgemental. I know some of this comes from being gay. Gay culture develops these feelings as a defence mechanisms against the constant onslaught of having from straight to deal with abuse from straights. I truly enjoy being gay in today’s society. My being different, teaches me so much more about life than if I was your typical run of the mill straight guy. Well, this is what I have come to believe anyway. I guess, I am trying to pull back from just living life and actually take time to examine and study it. I have just gone with the flow for so long, it is really hard to do so alone. Maybe, I can find a support group group of people who feel the same way.

Our new accountant, Barbara, is a good example. I haven’t decided if she is on the level yet. If she is Whether she is or isn’t, she has an open mind and that I respect. Emily is antoher person that I am slowly opening up to. One of these days I will tell her that I am gay, not that she doesnt’ already see it. Gut I see real potential there. I see potential here, but the problem is can I wait that long being alone all the time. I guess the good thing about being alone is I have time to think about my life. I know if I move home, I will fall right back into my olde habits again, which is not a good idea. Maybe I can stick it out here just long enough for some of the little changes to take effect. Then I can move home knowing that I can still progress forward in life.

It makes it easier to concentrate when the weather is nice like today. I can come up here to Dream Canyan and sit out on the rocks overlooking the mountains. It puts you in the right frame of mind. One of my small changes is to start going out on Sunday mornings again. I had a alof ot fun I really enjoyed spending time just relaxing in a coffee shop or mountain side.

6 thoughts on “Old Journals – 1.1.97”

  1. Moby thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how nice it must be to see how much you have grown as a person when you look back at these. You have a good head on your shoulders.

  2. Hey Moby!

    You went for it. Good! And what a fitting journal entry to start off with. It nails the whole idea of self exploration and personal growth. I’m sure we may see ups and downs in future journal postings but the great thing is that you will see how much you have changed.

    I so often wish I had maintained my journaling from high school. I know this blog segment and future pieces will inspire others who are experiencing hardships.


  3. The irony is this was the first journal and the most far reaching prediction of my life. It is one of only a handful of entries that were the focus of where I wanted to go. As you’ll see, I got sidetracked often.

  4. The major fear with these things, and it’s universal, is that people will discover, or not like, or judge us harshly, and we’ll lose the love and respect from those that matter to us.

    My test of accuracy is where people are now. If that happens to be a substantial distance in a positive direction from where they have been at some other point, than that just increases my regard.

  5. Nice entry! I live in Western CO and am strongly considering a move to Boulder. It’s a great town, so it’s great to hear about it from another perspective. Dream Canyon has a reputation as a beautiful place, but I may well be your only blog reader who knows the canyon’s other reputation 😉
    Keep posting – you have a cool journey going on.

  6. Hey Phil: LOL I forgot about that! Yeah, it does have another reputatiton for being very cruisy place for gay guys to meet.

    Of course, I wouldn’t that’s only hear say, I wouldn’t know anything about THAT first hand.

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