Mirror Mirror

I couldn’t think of of a catchier title, cut me some slack. And I’m feeling a bit long-winded so grab a cup a joe.

Events as of late seem to be conspiring to make me take an outside view of myself. Let me preface with this statement. I’ve been kinda popular in the past two weeks. Guys have been crawling out of the woodwork. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m liking it. The point is these events have forced me to re-examine my self-image.

Encounter 1 involved a guy I’ve seen around town for years. Very attractive and muscled. Not your Castro clone type but still very sexy. He initiated a meeting via one of my online profiles. I admit, I was shocked. I really didn’t see myself as someone he’d go for. We met up and had great conversation. He works in the medical field and we spent 45 minutes just talking shop. Afterwards, we adjourned to my place for some more “conversation”. Afterwards, I was still in a bit of shock that it happened.

Encounter 2 was last week. This guy was from out of town. Again very handsome, masculine, and very sweet. And again, he initiated first contact. After a botched attempt to meet up and more emails, we got together for dinner. During our conversations, I’d sorta assumed our meeting would be plutonic. It wasn’t! I even invited him to sleep over. Something I rarely do. I’m all for after-sex talk but I’m just not into confusing the issue by having someone sleep over. He was a cuddler too. Very nice in my book.

Encounter 3 is a guy I originally met somewhere dark and dank. (yeah, use your imagination) We also often “run” into each other at the gym. He actually thought I’d forgotten our first encounter. Ney. And while I didn’t consider him out of my league, he is physically my type in a variety of ways. I always get a little intimidated when I’m overly attracted to someone. The whole self-worth thing rears it’s ugly head. Anyway, to keep the stirring in my groin at bay I won’t go into details about Mr. Hot Fucker’s physical appearance. Needless to say, his body does it for me. So, we had a chance encounter and I invited him over to swap spit. He surprised me by being very sweet and considerate. I’d actually be up to dating him but that would be putting the cart before the horse at the moment.

Encounter 4 doesn’t involve sex. (I’m sure you’re grateful if you are still reading) No, encounter 4 involves a long time friend. Said friend is very attractive. That said, he is plagued w/some depression problems and has a very low esteem and low self-image. Now, it amazes me someone so incredibly attractive could suffer from such profound self-doubt. I actually broached the subject and in the end offered my heart-felt advice on what has worked for me. Including journaling (and now blogging) to help sort thru feelings. His situation serves to make me see I’m not the only one plagued by such issues. And if someone as incredibly handsome as he is has issues like this, then there is definitely hope for me.

I’m sure you are wondering how all of this ties together. Well, hold your panties, I’m getting there. These recent events have forced me to re-evaluate my self-image. I often forget I’m not the emaciatededly (grammar?) skinny boy w/a big butt anymore. It’s not an easy task. I have a hard time believing I have anything to offer someone who I consider very attractive. As a kid, all I heard was bad stuff. Frankly, it’s often easier to believe the bad stuff. But, if I am to overcome the trappings of my depressing youth and grow as a person, I need to break out of the mold. I need to start seeing myself as I am now.

Does that make a lick of sense? Or did you just read for the racy stuff?

8 thoughts on “Mirror Mirror”

  1. Makes total sense…

    I used to do that, old “I’m not good enough routine myself” … of course… right now, “I’m into that I’m not rich enough” but all that aside, even if you were a skinny kid you still be a beautiful human being…

  2. I too was the skinny boy with the big butt (er…big back porch as my gramma would say).

    Even now, I don’t see myself the way others see me. Having beautiful men chase me is the best cure, tho’ I admit the cure is only temporary. The insecurity just comes back; guess I’ll just have to say “yes” to the next hot one that asks. 🙂

    It’s so much easier for me to say yes to someone that I like who approaches me than to approach someone that I like…and the more attractive I find them, the worse it is…still haven’t gotten over that one. Kinda weird to think that my self-image depends so much on others’ evaluation, but I’m working on that. And so are you, which is why your post makes perfect sense to me.

    P.S. I agree with the above comment…you are a beautiful human being (and a beautiful man too…my favorite combination!)

  3. I had to overcome low self esteem too- a legacy of my father calling me names. I think I’m pretty realistic nowadays 🙂

  4. It sounds like we are all the same. My self-esteem issues growing up came from the fact that I was “gay” and had “no friends” growing up. It took me until I came out at 23 years old, before I realized I was special and was able to start making friends and liking myself. Now at age 35, I am SUPER critical about myself. I have a decent body, but you should hear how I talk to myself ABOUT myself — I am my own worse critic.

    You have been posting great Moby! And I will come see you in SF someday! That is… if you don’t move to FTL first. 😉

  5. Your right on with this one. It often takes the times when you need to beat them off with a stick to sit back and say ok maybe the changes I am making are paying off.

    I hope it works out for your friend.

  6. Moby…
    A topic, oh so close to home and in more than one way.

    I was that skinny guy but I think I’ve outgrown that stage.

    I am that friend described in Encounter #4 though I believe a chunk of the self doubt and lack of self esteem are gone. I think we can all say it never quite fully disappears.

    But I am that friend from the perspective of suffering from ‘diagnosed anxiety/depression.’ Trust me…if your friend suffers from low self esteem/doubt and he for any reason has a diagnosed depression problem, the depression is not helping with building up the self esteem.

    An interesting journey to self discovery Moby.
    Now where is Brett getting this idea your going to Ft. Lauderdale? 🙂

  7. Tony – Brett got the idea from me. I mentioned FTL as my current choice of places to live after leaving SF. However, I’ll be here for at least 2 more years.

  8. Moby –

    What – leave the best city in the world with access to some of the greatest scenery from sea to mountains to desert.

    What’s the draw that some guys find to FTL. Ok, besides some of the hot guys there. I want my Squatter. Woof!

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