I was all set to blog about the last few days but like an unwanted sore, drama has reared it’s ugly head once again. I’m amazed at how quickly a good mood can be ruined. So ruined that I had to cancel a class I was instructing today. I was simply too angry to teach.
I’ve disabled the comments for this post.
I don’t want advice on what to do, I know what must be done.
I don’t want empathy, it will only make the pain I feel worse.
I don’t want inquiring questions, the dirty details don’t add to the point.
What I will say is a close friend violated our friendship today. In such a way, I’ve lost all respect for him. And I’m asking myself, what is the point of a friendship w/o respect? He will no doubt read this post as he reads my blog religiously. It will be met w/denial, regret and then hostility when nothing else works. I can’t say as I care anymore. I’ve reached the end of my tether.
I was put in a very awkward situation today of having to lie. It wasn’t a big lie nor was it to save a life or keep someone out of jail. No, I lied to avoid becoming involved in a problem that I should never have been privy to. As soon as it was over, I was ashamed of myself for the lie and angry at how it was so connivingly foisted upon me. It has been quite some time since I’ve known shame. And five years ago, I probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelash over it. But I am not the same person I was five years ago.
It really comes down to this, I can no longer shoulder the responsibility of a friendship w/someone who lives his life like a carefree teenager still living at home. One who takes no personal responsibilty for his actions and routinely absolves himself of any guilt. I’ll be 35 years old next month. I have grown beyond the need for friends who still act like adolescents. My mentoring, advice, and constructive criticism are all ignored. Or more correctly, often acknowledged and then promptly forgotten. So I’m left asking myself what is the point?
If you know me, you know my anger is usually swift, to the point and once I’ve said my peace, I’m over it. I don’t ‘stew in it’. I’m also very forgiving when someone shows honest remorse. But, there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough. And when is it enough? After the 2nd time? How about the 5th or 6th time? No, this time, I want to continue being angry. I want my anger to stay w/me lest I forget and forgive once again. And I know once I do forgive, given some time, I’ll be right back where I started all over again. Frankly, I’m tired of going thru this. I’m tired of having the same conversations over and over and over again.