Category: drama

Poor vs Pride

With mixed feelings, I write todays blog. I’m coming up very short on finances for the trip home to see my father before he passes. None of the airlines offer cheap fare for last wishes blah blah blah. The few who do offer bereavement fare only do so AFTER the person is dead. Well, what good does that do me. So, my buddy suggested I solicit donations via paypal. My first response was no. However, as his condition gets worse I’m forced to reconsider. I figure if guys can solicit money to cover their blogs then I can do it for a much more worthy cause.

So without further ado, I have added a paypal button. If you can afford it and donate, I’m forever in your debt. If not, don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is, nothing more.

The Pending Death of My Father

My rants have been kinda limited lately. I’ve been dealing w/some bad news I got this week. I haven’t quite digested all of it until now.

My father has been battling lung cancer for the past year. He had a grapefruit sized tumor removed from his upper left lung back in October. They discovered recently it has metastasized into his hip bones. This type of cancer is not treatable and non-operable. Basically, right now he is in a hospice testing his tolerance for pain and what meds are most effective at the smallest dosage. Once that’s over, he gets to go home to live out his remaining days. There is zero hope of recovery.

Now for those of you that know me, you know there isn’t much love loss between my family and myself. Mainly over my coming out nightmare. But that’s sorta just the icing on the cake so to speak. My childhood evolved from one tragedy to the next and its not a part of my life that I reflect upon often. To understand my thoughts now, its probably best if you go back and read the history. Otherwise, the context of the next paragraph will be completely lost on you. I often use harsh sarcasm and puns to describe my family. (ie…if you trace the roots of white trash back to its origins, you’d find my family tree)

This news has brought forth a few inner demons I thought long exorcized. In trying to resolve some of the conflicting emotions, I’ve come to realize I still love my father. Not as deeply as the normal father/son relationship but love nonetheless. Honestly, this is a bit of a surprise. I often joke that his passing would be a release. The same release that I welcomed when my step mother, Satan-in-drag, finally died and left us for the underworld. (Like I said, you need to read the history.) I find myself wishing he wasn’t sick and I keep asking myself why. He robbed me of so much as a child and as an adult why should I love him? I never got to do ANY of the father/son things that fathers do w/their kids. He doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves the love of a child they so harshly abandoned. The only good memories I have of him are back when I was very young before the death of my foster mother. Everything after that is just ugly.

Deserving or not, I did forgive him. I find that I don’t care about the reasons. My father and I currently have a very distant relationship. I see him about once a year and I never make more than a day of it. We talk, catch up on our lives, and I quickly realize why I fled bum fuck nowhere Texas ages ago. So, now I’m in the position to cause harm or comfort. I find myself only wanting to comfort him. I guess that says good things about me. I just can’t help thinking about all the things that could have been had he not been so closed minded.

? Hold Music ?

I absolutely detest automated phone systems. I recently bought a backpack for my new laptop from Dell. The laptop is beautiful and working flawlessly. The backpack itself is fine its just not the right size. Ok, more correctly, it is the right size however, they neglect to tell you the inside fitting for the laptop is much much smaller. I’m a frequent online shopper so this speed bump is not completely unexpected.

The packaging slip says I have to call to get a return shipping # before I can actually return the package. It specifically states I must call not go online.

Issue #1:
I spent 25 minutes on hold. Not a good first impression as far as I’m concerned. So while I’m painfully being submitted to monotonous hold music I discover I can, in fact, go online for the same information. I go online searching for return info. Again, navigation issues from hell.

Issue #2:
Every possible question but ‘returns’ seems to be answered in the online F.A.Q. (frequently asked questions). Finding none of the required information, I end up on a blank ‘contact us’ form. Only at this point, does it give me a place to go for the needed info. Once there, getting the number was simplicity itself.

I’m only annoyed because Dell sings constantly about their fabulous customer support. Well, I can tell you from personal experience, it ain’t that fabulous. If I had to rate it, I’d give it a flat “average”. The simplicity of ordering and receiving goods is darkly shadowed by such a poor follow up nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, in the age of automation and mega corporations I realize there cannot be a live body to answer my every whim of a question. However, as a rule to avoid confusion, you should never have a phone/online tree going more than 3 options deep. Anything beyond that is just pointless and a waste of time.

So to all you big wigs you read my blog (yeah, and pigs might fly out of my butt!), take note….NO FREAKING ENDLESS PHONE TREES!!!!!

*sighs* I feel better now.

Opening a Can of Worms?

So much to cover today and so little time! I think I’ll do individual posts instead of one big one.

First the long one. I sorta opened a can of worms this week. To understand, you probably need a refresher on previous drama. This all comes into play right when I started blogging so not a lot of the story is complete. Yes, it involves the ex but only in a previous context. No, its not me moping again. I think I’m finally beyond that.

Preface: The ex moved in w/me mid 2003, he got really sick right after that w/pancreatitis. So sick in fact, he almost died. Skipping forward 6 months, he finally got better. He’d lost a lot of weight though. So one of his goals was to try to get back in shape enough to try out for the SOMA Bare Chest Calendar contest. It’s a charity event held every year that raises money for local AIDS charities, two specifically. I thought this a great idea and was very supportive. Naturally, he won and was the month of May for the 2004 Calendar. Skipping forward again, the calendar had an indirect impact on our breakup so I tend to have mixed feelings about it. However, I’m a big believer in charity so in the beginning I offered my web design services for free to help out. It was put to me that someone else was doing it and my help was not needed.

Current: I ran into one of the calendar committee members this past week at Daddybucks [1]Starbucks for those not in the know in the Castro. I’ll admit I’m a little sweet on him but that’s another story. *g* So, we start talking and I offered some very frank yet constructive advice on problems w/the previous year’s strategies. He was very accepting of the advice and agreed. So one thing led to another and a few emails later he asked if I’d be willing to help out on the committee, the web design, or both. I was truly flattered and felt a bit guilty for being a bit negative about the calendar previously. (yeah, I can be a caddy gossipy queen but I’m working on it, alright?) It’s not really their fault my ex and I broke up so to hold them partly accountable is a bit irrational. While my schedule is not flexible enough for me to be a full time committee member it is flexible enough for me to help out on the website. After a bit soul searching, I agreed. One, I enjoy it and it gives me a great way to meet people. Two, I like being in the background as far as charities are concerned. Being a very social creature, I have an unconscious habit of focusing people on me. That is never good for a charity so I like to take back seat roles to prevent that from happening. Three, this is a way for me to make up for my previous negativity. I have no desire to be on the Calendar itself for a variety of reasons. (we won’t go there)

Now here comes the catch. Between my first conversation and agreeing to do it, one of my old bosses emailed me wanting me to help them redo their company website as well. They are paying of course and their demands are a bit high. I just hope I haven’t bitten off more than I can chew. The calendar just wants updates more than anything which is relatively easy so I’m not thinking it will be a problem. However, I did sort of offer to redo the entire site originally. While it would not take all of my resources it would make me a very busy boy for awhile. I’m hoping they relegate me to just menial tasks of doing updates. The irony is I normally detest such a role and that was part of the reasoning behind my original refusal.

I’m still trying to find the lesson in all of this. I know there is one in there somewhere. *digging profusely*

References

References
↑1 Starbucks for those not in the know

Holiday – oops!

Since I’m working, I’ll keep this short. [1]I’m posting via email so if it comes out screwy I’ll fix it later..

Tonight is a big night for drunk driver fatalities. I ask you, PLEASE, if you get toasty, call a cab, walk, take the bus, whatever it takes. Don’t drive drunk. And if you are in SF, the police are out in force tonight doing random stops so that goes double for my fellow SF’cans.

Have fun but be safe!

References

References
↑1 I’m posting via email so if it comes out screwy I’ll fix it later..

Moved – Final Chapter

Say it with me….I am finally fucking done moving! Twice in 15 days and I’m SOOOOOO over it. *G*

So, I’m in the new place which is sort of the old place. If you’ve been keeping up you know exactly what I mean. If you haven’t, for shame! I’m slowly settling in. The only thing worse than packing is unpacking! Of course, I tend to stick stuff in any box it will fit so after making myself open every box, I’m discovering stuff I forgot I had!

On a related rant, I feel like this is the end of a chapter in my life. Not sure where its coming from really. Maybe its the little bits of my karma I’ve seen coming back to me over the last few days. Who knows. I just have this growing feeling of closure. Just in the last month I’ve survived a breakup w/the boyfriend, two separate moves (and all that entails), and switching gyms over a greedy manager. Other than being flat broke for the first time in a long time, I think things are looking up. Maybe, its jut having a moment to breath w/o worrying about the future. Dunno for sure but I like it. Hopefully, I’ve seen the last of heavy drama for awhile. I haven’t quite worked it all out in my head at the moment so more later…

The Move – 2nd edition

Ok, well for those of you just turning in, I’m moving AGAIN this Thursday and Friday. Where? you might ask. Right back into the same place I just moved from. Just a different apt this time.

I spent the better part of the morning on the phone begging utility companies not to double charge me for transfer fees. No luck I’m afraid. However, all is not lost. My Karma, while a bit scarce this month, is slowly coming back strong. I got the same size apt for only a fraction more in rent than before. I could have ended up paying a lot more as the rental rates have been on a steady rise since June. The leasing company was more than happy to take me back. I had to re-apply but, was approved right away. I ended up w/the same size unit w/a different layout. I have twice as much closet space than the old apt, better views, and new carpet & tile so all and all not a bad deal.

The only downer is I’m so strapped financially, I’m not even sure I can cover the expenses for the rest of the month. And don’t even mention Christmas. I’m normally very generous so I think my friends/family can make do w/o me for one year. Who knows? Maybe I’ll defy the odds and win the lotto. Course, that means I have to actually play lotto first. [mental note – play lotto]

I actually came home early tonight as I’ve been feeling achey all day. I’m crossing my fingers that a good night’s rest will do the trick. I just don’t think my battered id will survive another attack right now. If you see headlines about a “crazy fag gone wild at a Uhaul center…”it means I lost it! *sigh* Seriously though, I’m actually in good spirits. With all the bad shit these last couple of months, things seem to be slowly turning around.

Wish me luck!

Gym Shinnanigans & Revelations

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that this is not my month! I’ve had more drama in one month than all of the previous months this year. For whatever reason, the fates have decided this is my month of trials. I guess its good for my blog because it gives me something to rant about. (G)

I ended up switching gyms today. Not by choice mind you. I’ve been a Gold’s member for just over 4 years (since I moved to SF). So today, I go in like usual and the desk guy tells me my membership is up and I need to renew. I’m thinking no biggie, I’ll just renew and be done w/it. As you can guess, things didn’t go quite so smoothly. Apparently, the City & County has decided not to renew their corporate plan w/Golds. Not that it should affect me as I’m already a current member right? Wrong! Golds wanted to charge me full price for a new yearly membership! Basically, double what I normally pay to renew. Rather than make a big deal about it, I just politely said, “no thanks, I’ll take my business elsewhere.” So then he says, “well unless you renew right now, you will not be able to work out today.” Didn’t matter that my membership actually expired today. At that point, I wanted to say something rather nasty but held my tongue.

I’ll admit, my sarcasm does get the best of me at times. Today was different. I guess I sort of expected it as this has been the month from hell. I’m a big believer in metaphysical energies, chakras, etc and I’ve just drained my “pool” this month. I have had a lot dumped on my plate lately and I’m fed up w/being upset by problems that are out of my control.

So back to the story, I leave the gym and figure, while I’m out, I’ll shop around. Apprehensively, I checked out 24 Hour Fitness. Five minutes in the door I knew it was a no-go. The energy was all wrong and the sales guy was a bumbling idiot who couldn’t answer one single question w/o looking it up. I’ll leave it at that. There is another gym called Crunch just a few blocks from where I work. I guess you could call it a specialty gym. It’s owned by Ballys and it sort of has a reputation for being pricey. I thought “what the hell, it can’t hurt to check.” Immediately in the door, I got a really good feel from the layout and they had most of the equipment I like. They also have a climbing wall, boxing ring, and quite a few amenities I’m not used too. I thought those might be extra but, it was all included. The sales rep. was personable and knowledgeable. She answered every question w/o having to once look it up or ask someone. She wasn’t pushy and never once tried to strongarm me. That goes a long way in my book. The only thing worse than a pushy salesman is a pushy lawyer. *shivers* I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, I joined Crunch. You’d be right. What you haven’t guessed is how well I made out. The sales rep. and I struck up a great conversation and I discovered she is looking into becoming a Paramedic as well. We had a long talk about my work and I gave her some advice on what to do. She ended up bending over backwards to get me a really great rate; even better than the original quote. In the end, I got the membership for a steal! Some might say it was my Karma coming back to me for not being nasty to the Manager at Golds. Who am I to disagree. (G)

I guess the point of all this ramble is simple. The older I get the more I realize, there are times in life when we are faced w/tasks or problems that can be very demoralizing. It is how we respond to these problems that define our character and well being. You can try to control every aspect of your life and go absolutely mad doing it. Or, you can realize that no matter what you do, sometimes shit happens. You just have to brace yourself, roll up your sleeves, and slough thru it. All the while, remembering who you are and what you hope to accomplish.

Ok, I’m done now. I don’t about you but, I feel MUCH better! (big grin)

DSL

They finally fixed the DSL this morning. Five full days AFTER it was supposed to be on. After all the pissing/moaning I did they could only give me a $10.00 credit on my bill. Puh-lease! If anyone is getting high speed internet, I highly recommend cable vs dsl. Faster speeds, easier to setup, and less drama anytime there is a problem. I’m definitely switching when my contract is up now that I have a choice again.

Frustration�

First off, my DSL is STILL down. SBC can go @#$%! themselves for all I care. If its not up tomorrow, I’m canceling and going w/Comcast, fee or no fee. The service is active but I keep getting the run-a-round as to why its not working. Its either their server or server connection…blah blah blah. I just want my freaking DSL working already. I’m like an addict w/o his drugs here….

On a depressing note, looks like I’ll be moving AGAIN. Yes, you read it right, AGAIN! As if I didn’t have enough drama in my life right now. This past thur/fri, I moved my stuff into the new place. Along the way, I encounted a few problems.

Problem #1:
The U-haul truck breaks down and has to be towed back to the yard. As luck would have it, it was half full so I got to reload it onto a new truck. [1]Oh the joy! The saving grace to all the drama w/the truck is I ended up not paying a dime. At least I got a small silver lining on this cloud.

Problem #2:
I finally get to the new place and the owner isn’t out yet. He was supposed to be out the first week of November. Here it is the 13th and he is still dragging his feet. Not unsurmountable but still annoying.

Problem #3: (and yes, I saved the best for last)
He leaves a lease agreement on the table for me to “look over” and sign. After moving my stuff in all day, I finally take a look at it and discover out of nowhere, he wants 3 months worth of rent up front. Basically, first months rent and then 2 more months as a deposit.

Now let me clarify at this point, HE came to me asking if I wanted to move into his place so he’d have someone he trusted in the house. He actually bent over backwards to make the offer appealing enough to me so I’d actually move. (The house is in the ‘burbs of SF and I like being in the center of the city) At no time does he ever discuss a deposit. It was all discussed as a verbal agreement between friends. Frankly, I wasn’t ready to move. I had given the idea some thought w/the breakup and all but hadn’t made any serious plans. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind paying a deposit or signing a lease but, 3 MONTHS! Thats fucking ridiculous. So after several arguments (I use the term “argument” loosely at this point) the deal is off and I’m looking for yet another place. I’m so annoyed I think I could really just snap if someone pushes me this week. I’ll probably end up here for at least 2 months while I save up money and search for a place. And just in time for Christmas. Merry fucking Christmas!

At this point, I’ve had some time to calm down. I should mention there have been some bright spots in my week as well. The ex is out of course. He moved in w/his best friend so at least that’s over. I discovered an old collection account from Cingular has been removed from my credit. Apparently, Cingular lost a class action law suit over unfair business practices and improperly charging customers. Score one for the little guys!

On a completely unrelated note, I made a casual date w/this hottie I often see at the gym. (No no drama fans, I’m not rushing into anything. Just a casual date for fun.) So maybe next week well go a little better! Hope springs eternal….

References

References
↑1 Oh the joy!