Category: me

Mental

I used to scoff at people who mentioned taking off from work for a mental health day. If you’ve never heard of such an idea, you wouldn’t be alone. The premise is you take a day off from work for mental health. I’ll be honest, I always figured it was just an easy way to get out of work. There are plenty of people out there who think like I used to. And that’s if they even get paid sick time. Sadly, it isn’t always a guarantee.

After almost 15 years in my job, I can tell you there are days when taking a mental health day is a necessity. I have a new found respect for the idea of mental health, especially when it comes to vital services. I deal with an expected level of drama and raw emotions in my line of work. Luckily, I tend to be a very resilient person in that regard. [1]I often consider it an unexpected side effect from my childhood. Courtesy of my step mother and years of mental abuse. However, over time the onslaught of such emotions builds up even on the most resilient person. If you don’t find constructive ways to maintain your own sanity it can lead to severe problems. I’ve seen it in my profession several times and it is a very real thing. I no longer scoff at the idea and have learned to respect the need for a mental health day. I know for myself there are days where I’m just not in a frame of mind to function in a helpful way. It falls under a sick day but from the perspective of mental health. On said days, I know if I go to work I’m going to get fired, or worse, potentially bring harm to others thru neglect or indifference.

I’ve learned the hard way ignoring it does not make the angst/frustration go away. If anything, it gets worse. You can become hyper-sensitive to even minor stresses and become agitated as a norm. You can also become desensitized to traumatic events. You aren’t weak or slacking-off for occasionally needing a day to clear your head and refocus. For myself, I often try to do something fun and relaxing. Believe it or not, blogging always seems to calm me down.

I no longer feel guilty about taking said days off. While I don’t take or need them often, I try to recognize when I do and take advantage of it. My sanity is better for it.

References

References
↑1 I often consider it an unexpected side effect from my childhood. Courtesy of my step mother and years of mental abuse.

Hat

As the great Vita Bohem once said, "I think today is a say something hat day!" hehehe

It’s no secret I’m big on wearing baseball caps. If you see pictures of me, I’m often in a hat. I’ve always worn caps since childhood. I grew up in a rural image

environment and hats were often a necessity over style. When you work in the blazing heat for hours at a time, you quickly learn what a necessity it is. You protect your head and neck from sunburn or suffer miserably.

I never liked wearing cowboy hats as they were large, bulky, and often more hassle than they were worth. Being a very hyper and absent-minded child, large hats were also a recipe for annoyance. I owned a cowboy hat as a kid but rarely wore it. I’m sure some of you are trying to picture it right now. heehee Ironically, when I saw them worn to school they were mostly worn as a fashion statement. At the time that discovery was was kind of a shock to me, but that is a story for another day.

I still wear baseball hats, like a lot. But, there are times where I’ll randomly forget to wear one and it never fails someone comments on it. I had two different guys mention it to me at the gym this week. One guy is a friend of a friend and when I casually said hello to them both, he didn’t recognize me. As we were talking, it dawned on him, and that’s when he brought it up. We both laughed. The other guy was a gym buddy who just wandered over to tell me how different I look w/o a cap. Hats do slightly change one’s appearance but for me I guess it seems to change the whole frame of reference for my face. I’ve had similar episodes like this most of my adult life. I’m never bothered or upset. I actually find it quite funny.

On most days, you can find me wearing a hat. As one person once asked me, no I do not wear it to hide my baldness. I actually like that I am bald and would never wear a hat to hide it. It’s just a habit that never went away and I like wearing them. As a kid, I had a huge head of hair and often had to buy the adjustable baseball caps just so I could cram them over my hair. Now a days I tend to wear the stretch hats. [1]The little plastic strips on the adjustable ones annoy me to no end and often break. They fit easier, don’t break as often, and tend to fit my head better. In colder weather, I tend to wear knit or ski-hats. I don’t like when my ears get cold so they are a go to choice.

Shawn teases me at times because I will sometimes wear baseball caps so they are snug on my head but just sitting slightly past the top of my head. He refers to it as my"old man look" and will routinely pull my hat all the way down. hehe Of course, having had his pretty ginger head burned a few times here in SF, I am slowly dragging him into the hat wearing habit.

So yeah, I wear a lot of hats. I usually have 5-10 different baseball hats and another 3-4 knit hats. So for me, every day is a say something hat day.

References

References
↑1 The little plastic strips on the adjustable ones annoy me to no end and often break.

Thanks

Well, today is the holiday and while I don’t really celebrate Thanksgiving in the traditional sense, I do find time to be thankful for the things in my life. If you had told me 15 years ago, I’d be at this place in my life now, I would have laughed in your face. The idea that I could come so far, as a person, in such a short amount of time would have been unbelievable. But here I am.

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. And as much as I get wrapped up in the minutia of day to day drama, my life is pretty good at the moment. I’ve finally accepted it is possible for me to be this content and have so few worries. It’s taken a couple years to sink in but I’m getting it. Most days, life is deliciously boring. No drama, no tragedies, no failures, just boring day to day interactions. Gym, dog, work, home, hubby, video games, dog, sleep, repeat.

Like Madam used to say, "It’s been a long climb to the middle." For some being grateful for such a life might seem odd. It is probably a starting point for many. I accept that and good for them. I used to regret my life and how hard it was. Over time I realized the struggles I faced helped make me who I am. The odds were definitely against me getting this far. So many things could have gone different, even slightly, and I wouldn’t have made it. I’ve lost count of the small chance occurrences that kept me sane, well, and even alive.

I have the good fortune to be in a good place in life. I try my best not to take that for granted. I am grateful for good friends, a partner in life who gets me, and a slobbering farting bulldog who lives for me. I crawled out of debt this year. I’m overall pretty healthy. Again, all pretty normal things to be grateful for but reading the news and seeing the tragedy here and abroad, I’m still grateful for it all. I bitch and moan about my first world problems but I keep it in perspective. Wherever you are this year, find joy in the good things in your life, no matter how small. I think happiness is found in those ‘little things.’

I’m working as usual. I’ll be stuffing my face at work with a large feed and keeping the officers and city safe as best I can with my coworkers. If you’re not doing the family thing and feel like you are alone, volunteer for a shelter (Human or animal). You’ll be surprised how less alone and bad you feel about your own life. Whatever you do, find some way to pass on the gratitude you have in your own life to others.

Be safe my friends. I wish you a warm, fuzzy, and "stuffed" holiday.

Two

Well, it now seems that dastardly Cajun, brettcajun has given up on blogging. I saw his last update ending his blog and I was a little teary-eyed honestly. [1]No, Brett not because of you. It seems homer and I are the only two left of our original crew. I miss all of them. I used to spend a huge chunk of my reading every day catching up on personal blogs and getting to know folks thru their writing. It was awesome and made me feel connected to the gay community at large in a way I never thought possible. I’m a bit sad to see a lot of that come to an end. Everything has its purpose I guess.

Granted there are plenty of prolific bloggers out there. But most of the ones left seem focused on trying to make a buck or be famous, neither of which has ever been my goal. I still remember the first blog I ever followed. It was a handsome fella out of Wisconsin. He moved to Chicago after his blog ended and we lost touch after that. I remember feeling a bit foolish reaching out to him at the time. I was worried he’d think I was a stalker. If I’d only known. hehehe

Luckily, homer shows no signs of slowing down. If anything, he is doing better than me at it. I tend to have larger gaps these days. Life gets in the way more now. I’m not sure how long I’ll keep at it, but he itch hasn’t left me yet. I will always have a fondness in my heart for it. My blog and my readership seems to have leveled out over the last few years. I don’t blog near as much about random stuff as I used to. Most of that gets captured on social media. I always see an uptick in readership around the first of the month for some reason. But the averages are pretty even month to month. It does seem like more locals and coworkers read my nonsense more than ever these days.

Ironically, my photo site gets about twice the traffic as my blog. I’m sure there is a joke in there somewhere about a pictures and 1000 words. I originally set it up as a catch all for my online pics. Who knew it would be so popular? It gets consistently solid traffic. I blame Cooper. He is just too cute to miss out on.

I’m still at it though. To all who have gone, you are not forgotten.

References

References
↑1 No, Brett not because of you.

Feet

Every laugh at how a random conversation will trigger completely unrelated memories? I was making small talk at the gym the other day after my workout and somehow we got on the subject of feet. My buddy Tom mentioned something about a guy’s feet. [1]Apparently had a slight fetish He shared how much he hated going on dates with guys that don’t take care of their feet. I’m sure it isn’t an over unique fetish but it triggered all kinds of memories from my childhood.

As a child I hated wearing shoes. I grew up in the piney woods and my only impression of shoes wasn’t a positive one. I felt they were a nuisance. I refused to wear them anywhere except school or hunting. [2]Hunting meant going into areas of unfarmed land full of briar patches, thorns, and all manner of sharp objects step on Naturally, it wasn’t uncommon for the bottom of my feet to be calloused with very thick hard skin. It didn’t matter where I was, if I wasn’t fearful of thorns, I was barefoot. There were no concrete sidewalks for miles and miles and that meant no fear of hot surfaces or burnt feet. I even ran track in high school barefoot. Or, at least I did once my coach noticed I won more races when he let me race w/o shoes.

Of course, as an adult I take decent care of my feet. They stay clean, clipped and overall cared for; gone are the heavy callouses. The soles are now a bit sensitive but I still walk around barefoot on most flat surfaces. I often have to remind myself to wear shoes when running out around the block with Cooper. But that has more to do with not wanting to track debris back onto our new carpet.

Thinking back, it does seem a bit gross but back then I never thought anything of it. I’m sure my buddy Tom would have found me particularly gross. I neglected to share the flood of memories with him. heehee

References

References
↑1 Apparently had a slight fetish
↑2 Hunting meant going into areas of unfarmed land full of briar patches, thorns, and all manner of sharp objects step on

Axiom

I used to have a scrolling marque on my blog that ran thru a list of my favorite quotes and phrases. Some were my own and others were ones I always found inspirational. I randomly discontinued it in my never ending tinkering with my blog themes. One of my favorite phrases is "what you think of me is really none of my business." It has become one of my daily axioms. I mention it because I often say many of said phrases in conversation.

Just such a conversation came up recently. I had chance as part of one of my training assignments to interact with a couple coworkers whom I’m not overly close to. I know them well enough but we just aren’t besties at work. We rarely spend much time talking beyond specific work duties. Anyway, through our conversations one coworker caught me saying my phrase above and really latched onto it. She found it to be very "deep", as she put it, and felt like it was a great mechanism to learn by. This led to more talks and how the struggles in my own life led me to the phrase. We shared several life stories and connected in a way we never had before. It very uplifting.

It is also why I never close myself off from such random chance moments. Beyond being Southern [1]being friendly to strangers is in our blood , I’ve always felt simple human interaction is the key to most of our societal woes. It is much harder to objectify and marginalize someone when you know them personally. You can’t just disassociate yourself from them and act as if it doesn’t affect you. Anyway, I digress. My coworker really liked the phrase and hopefully she applies it in her own life in constructive ways. It came up in such a way regarding one of her own views and I think hearing it really made her feel good.

On a side note, it was also a great reminder of how far I’ve come as a person. I probably harp too much on my personal growth but I’m damn proud of it. I used to be a mess! lolol Back then, I’d never have thought anyone would value my advice or opinions. I didn’t value them so how could others? I’ve discussed here several times how finding my inner confidence [2]the realization was quite the epiphany for me at the time changed me in so many small ways. I forget those changes can and do have ripple effects. They radiate out from me and change forever how I interact with others. These are often subtle cues but it is so profoundly gratifying to still recognize it in myself.

And now, another very popular phrase I’m fond of, "Hope springs eternal….."

References

References
↑1 being friendly to strangers is in our blood
↑2 the realization was quite the epiphany for me at the time

Best

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Sista's

One of my best friends was in town this past weekend for a much needed visit. It has been a while (years actually) since we’ve seen each other and it was great to see him. He got to meet Shawn and they both liked each other. As for the weekend, we didn’t do anything overly exciting. We did a few touristy things but mostly just hung out and caught up on our lives. It’s actually been almost 3 years since we’ve seen each other. We have a mutual third friend who wasn’t able to come but he was with us in spirit. (Plenty of spirits where had, I’m sure he was in one of them!)

Trev and I have always had an easy friendship. By easy I mean we could go years not seeing each other and when we do, it is like we just saw each other yesterday. We sat down, counted it out, and we’ve been friends now for 21 years. Twenty-one years! Friendships like that are hard to come by and I consider it a blessing in my life. In our talks, we looked back across the years of friendship at friends that are now absent. Some have passed on, some left on their own, and a very few we had to step away from, respectively. The latter is a very small number. All that are gone, for whatever reason, are not forgotten. We tried to focus on the good memories and laughed a lot.

We’ve both had big life events in the last couple years, but agreed we shouldn’t let that get in the way next time. We promised each other we wouldn’t go so long this time w/o seeing each other in person. It is a promise I plan to keep. I don’t even think I realized how much I missed him in my daily life.

Twelve

Well, here we are moving into year 12 of this here blog thingy.  Who woulda thunk it all those years ago when I started? Twelve years!

I’ve made many awesome friends along the way and said goodbye to a few as well. As I slowly pulled myself out of my immaturity and into adulthood, I got a chance to share my struggles with others. It was and still is my hope that others can gain insights from my struggles and be better for it.

I’m still at it . I went from answering questions of “What is a blog?“, to “OMG you have a blog too?“, to “You still blog?” and still at it. Hehehe I assumed it would be that way way back when. I kinda took to it right away and instantly expected to be doing it for years.

My favorite responses are often via Facebook when someone tells me they don’t read blogs but proceeds to go on and on about my Facebook post shared from my blog. I get on tickled. [1]It is the little things in life, ain’t it?  Anyway, moving into year 12 I hope to be a little more consistent. It seems life, laziness, and video games routinely interfere. I know, how rude?! 

I was looking back the other day and just sighed heavily with so many emotions. I didn’t think I’d ever find this point in my life. I never dreamed I’d find the contentment in my soul or the level of happiness I’ve achieved. It is still a bit much at times to accept it.

After so many struggles, so many battles, and so much angst, a boring daily life can be such an amazing blessing!  Here is to year 12!

References

References
↑1 It is the little things in life, ain’t it?

Loss

My fat ass is finally seeing some weight loss. Matrimonial bliss and 2 surgeries put me on the complacent path some time ago. I’m better at getting back to the gym on a regular basis but still don’t consider myself on a consistent schedule yet. [1]The struggle is real! It is good to see results of my efforts so far and I’m inspired to keep at it.

I’m down about 15 lbs to 202. I could actually put on my "regular" jeans yesterday for the first time in months. To be fair, I could still wear them before but they looked like they were sprayed on body paint. And the idea of camel toe for guys was a major concern. heehee Yesterday, they were snug for sure but looked pretty normal.

I hate feeling out of shape but the complacency has been strong. Video games and erratic schedules makes for a lot of impromptu (read ‘not very healthy’) meals as well. The combo of bad eating and no gym has made for a fat Moby. I can clearly relate to how often you see straight guys get married and then blow up in size. It’s so damn easy.

It doesn’t help that our society focuses on convenience over health in our diet. But that is only an excuse so no need to go down that path. Hope springs eternal….

References

References
↑1 The struggle is real!

Moto

I recently purchased the mid-range Moto X Pure Edition and I’m absolutely loving it so far. I know your shocked that I got a ‘non-premium phone‘ but it is true. I’ve been so frustrated with this years premium offerings I didn’t really have a choice. **If you don’t want the long drawn out version, you can skip to the last 3 paragraphs.**

It all started with my upgrade from the S3 to the S4. I loved the S4. The battery was immensely better along with a faster chip, better screen, and all around it was a decent phone. Life was good. Then Tmo comes along with their Jump! plan. And while not a necessity, I tend to like the emerging tech phones. I’m a geek, its in my blood. I’m definitely in the ‘heavy user‘ category and require a phone with a strong battery. Since few ever meet both requirements, it made it easier to change devices often. Said freedom might have been a slight downside as you read on.

After more than 6 months I made the ‘jump’ to the S5 and was sorely disappointed. [1]I seem to remember an unfortunate incident with my S4 and the back tire of my motorcycle necessitating an upgrade anyway The battery life went down and not much else improved. Sure on paper it had a nicer screen but in reality it looked and felt the same. Plus, Sammy in their greed started diverging away from traditional Android for their home-brewed version, Tizen or some shit. It sucked. But I was able to root it and get rid of a lot of the bloat. I stuck out my 6 months but was chomping at the bit to switch. I’d heard rave reviews about the HTC M8 and gave it a whirl. I didn’t even last the full 14 days before returning it. Beautiful phone, great camera but dreadful battery life. I gladly forked over the restock fee to get rid of it.

I heme’d and hawed until I settled on the Sony Z3. For all my bitching about Sony’s lousy customer support, the Z3 was an absolute dream. I wasn’t a fan of the square edges but it was excellent. I could use it all day and it still had battery when I plugged it in to go to bed. It has become the benchmark for battery on all my future phones. Sadly, after unfortunate drop from a vehicle while in LA, I was forced to jump again. It is no secret I’m hard on my toys and luckily enough, I was 1 day over my 6 months. Jump! lolol The Z4 was still a distant release candidate and had virtually no real upgrades other than the name and knowing Tmo was ditching any future OS upgrades for the Z3, I switched back to Sammy and the S6.

As you probably know the S6 was getting high marks for finally being a beautiful phone. And it’s true. It is a beautiful phone. Imagine my total surprise to see the battery life went down even more. I’d say it was on par with the S3, which was dreadful. I could barely muster 4 hours of heavy use out of it. An absolute failure IMO for any smartphone today with a premium label. I think I’ve given up on the S-line. Needless to say, I didn’t even last the full 14 days again.

Against my nagging instincts, I jumped to the Lg G4. Something told me not to get it but I couldn’t remember anything specific so I got it. It had a noticeably better battery life right off the bat. And by ‘noticeably’, I meant I went from awful to mediocre. But having exhausted all my jumps, I resigned myself to stick it out. It was not to be though. I quickly grew to hate the damn thing. The device overall worked fine; however it was ugly and annoying. Lots of little things just bugged the ever lasting shit out of me and I couldn’t stick it out 6 full months. (Oh the first world drama, right?)

At the annoyance of my bank account, I broke away from going thru Tmo and got the Moto X Pure Edition direct from Motorola. I had misgivings after witnessing Lenovo brutalize IBM’s laptop business after taking it over. I was concerned they’d do the same to Motorola. Surprisingly, my fears were once again unfounded. I love the X Pure. It may not be a premium handset but it sure acts like one. True to their statement, it came with almost pure Android. You’d think it was a Nexus device if you didn’t know better. There is very little bloat, and I mean very little! If you’ve ever gone from a Nexus to an OEM version or vice versa, you understand the description here. No fancy launcher, no gimmicky overlays *cough – touchwhiz*. Just Android. That also means only a small handful of apps running in the background constantly zapping your battery.

Since you aren’t going thru a carrier, you get a little extra say in small aesthetics when ordering online. Normally, I scoff at such things but I have to admit, I like my personal twist of colors. You can choose colors for the back plate, the back insert, and two little front accents meant to protect the screen from scratching when you lay it face down. The battery is not up to par with the Z3 but it performs quite well under moderate to heavy use. I’m pleased and can live with it. If you use an idle throttle app, like Juice Defender, you’ll probably get way more battery as the cell radio seems to run a lot unnecessarily. It doesn’t offer wireless charging, but it really does charge super fast! Almost 50% in just under 15 minutes. The camera is pretty good and definitely the fastest focus I’ve experienced on a phone. Low light photos are slightly above decent but not awesome. Beyond that, it is a solid camera, front and back. NFC, Bluetooth, and Wireless all work fine.

It’s funny because I caught myself smiling as I took it out of the box. Setting it up was super simple and all my annoyances with the G4 melted away. I absolutely love the Moto X Pure.

References

References
↑1 I seem to remember an unfortunate incident with my S4 and the back tire of my motorcycle necessitating an upgrade anyway