Category: me

Random Thoughts…

Stuff popping into my head lately.  I dunno either. 

It is hard being in love w/someone who can’t love you back.

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Facebook "is the devil!"

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I think I prefer someone ugly on the outside vs ugly on the inside.

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No, it is not ok to let your offspring run uncontrollably all over a restaurant and then get upset when someone else tells your brats to behave.

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No, it is not ok to throw your nasty filthy disgusting cigarette butts on the ground because you are too lazy to walk 2 feet to deposit it in a trash receptacle.

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If you break a medic gurney because of your weight, it might be time to go on a diet.  Just a thought oinker.

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Honesty is the new black.

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I’m really sorry my "lifestyle choice" is a threat to your marriage.  Sucks to be you though.

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Ooh, that feels good, do it again!

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A missed opportunity is like being shit on by a bird. 

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Yes, I know I’m going to hell for being gay but I thought all sins were equal in God’s eyes you big cocksucking hypocrite?

Back At It



Feeling better?

Originally uploaded by ibod8x5


I’m back in the saddle, so to speak. Today was my first day back at the gym. I’m still sniffling a little but all of the chest congestion is gone. I took it easy today and only got about half my normal work out in. My energy isn’t 100% yet so easing myself back into it. Nothing worse than getting better and then inadvertently sabotaging it w/too much physical exertion.

Speaking of the gym, I have not one but two new future ex-husbands. heehee One guy either just switched gyms or just moved here because I’ve never seen him before. He must have a similar schedule because I see him almost daily now. He doesn’t really give me any eye contact but that never stops me from drooling.

OH! I totally forgot. Adam/Brad saw “the hammer!” You can ask them how big it is.

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In other news, it is hot as hell here. A whopping 80 degrees! It is a veritable heat wave. Actually, it is in the low 70’s today which is much more bearable. I was chatting with my buddy Frank from Urswine Addiction and he mentioned it was 111 in Phoenix yesterday. Holy hell! I would literally dry up and blow away. AND, he works outside. He is a braver man than me. Course, all that physical labor has him looking all buff. There are worse fates.

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Even better, it is Friday and I’m back on my regular schedule for it. Speaking of, it is almost that time. Crap, time to go. TGIF boys (and girl). Have a whore-ific weekend.

Weekend

The weekend hasn’t been bad so far.  Uneventful overall.  Saturday, I stat around all day being lazy as usual.  I did make it out to sushi w/Adam & Brad.  They caught me up on all the days sight-seeing activities.  Apparently, they were none too impressed w/some of the snootier neighborhoods here.  Not that I can blame’em really.

Afterwards, we sat around at my place and geeked out online.  Poor things have been w/o internet since they got here so I was happy to share mine.  It was funny.  Brad’s flipping channels while Adam and I are both sitting w/our laptops out surfing and catching up online.  A veritable geek bonanza. lol

I sat around updating flickr and surfing online. [1]I didn’t realize how many pics I had.  I’ve only uploading about half of my total inventory so far.  The desire for food finally drove me outdoors.  I stopped by Firewood and was shamelessly flirting with a scruffy fucker till his lover walked in.  He could tell I was less than amused at being mislead.  Of course, I didn’t have to respond but still.  It felt duplicitous. 

Later, I had a get together and then a nice dinner w/one of my regulars.  He always wears me out.  *whew*

Oh btw, skip the Happening.  What a total waste of time.  It was awful enough I almost got up and walked out. 

References

References
↑1 I didn’t realize how many pics I had.  I’ve only uploading about half of my total inventory so far.

Community

I’m on my horse this week so I figured I’d keep it rolling.  I’ve blogged on this before but as always, the thought processes are ever-evolving.  Actually, I was reminded after having a flame war on twitter last night. [1]Ok, not really, we were just talking. But everyone does so love a good cat fight.  I’m referring to the word in the sense of the gay community. 

I hear all the time, "I’m not into the gay scene" or "I don’t really feel a part of the gay community".  Even better, "I just have nothing in common with those people."  Wha-wha-what?  Forgetting for a moment these statements are completely subjective, I have a newsflash for ya.  IF YOU ARE GAY, that makes you connected.  Does that mean you have to identify with everyone?  No.  Does that mean it should consume you?  Of course not.  Does being straight make all straight people cohesive?  Then why should we think that being gay will unite us all together?

Webster has several definitions for the word community but the one I find most applicable is as follows:

n: a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society. [2]http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/community

So we have a defining characteristic that makes us a community in this sense.  However, as mentioned, the word has several other meanings.  And herein lies the distinction lost, IMHO. [3]I originally listed out every definition and then re-thought it.  Just click the damn lick above already.  Whether thru simple misunderstanding or misapplication, we have begun to assume the wrong definition of "community" to describe ourselves.  Maybe because we want to belong but don’t feel like we do.  Boy, am I an expert on that one.  I would argue that most of the LGBT community doesn’t really identify with any of the more visible sub-cultures or stereotypes.  But because the latter tend to be more visible, we incorrectly assume a lack of connection.  There are other factors that come into play however, for the sake of brevity we’ll stick to the topic at hand. (I do so love to hear myself talk don’t I?)

Where does that leave us?  Well, you can continue to distance yourself out of fear or you can decide that you are not a victim.  I know, I know it is easier to play the victim when you feel cut off and alone.  Been there, done that, still have the Tshirt.  Here is another newsflash for ya.  No one can make you feel inferior w/o your permission.  And, hiding behind ineffectual coping mechanisms is not the answer either.   Happiness is not a guarantee.  It is up to you to get off your butt and pursue it.  It doesn’t take courage or bravery or any of that other shit.  All it takes is effort. 

Let go of the outside-looking-in mentality and join the rest of the community in celebration of life and the struggle for our freedoms. 

References

References
↑1 Ok, not really, we were just talking. But everyone does so love a good cat fight.
↑2 http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/community
↑3 I originally listed out every definition and then re-thought it.  Just click the damn lick above already.

Pride 08 Cometh



Pride 08 Cometh

Originally uploaded by ibod8x5


It is that time again. The time of year when San Francisco opens its bosom to the world at large and says “welcome”. The supposed mecca prepares for the onslaught of daddies, queens, dykes, fags, queers, and freaks. And that’s just the locals. LOL

I snapped this shot on the side of the bus stop in the ‘hood. This particular poster is not just in Castro, it’s all over the City. [1]Pride is the #2 money making event of the year for SF.

The City is already abuzz with excitement and anticipation of Gay Pride 08. I may not be fresh out of the closet or even questioning my sexuality but I still celebrate. Many see Pride as a spectacle because of the more flagrant folks. Not me. Sure, some do it for shock value, some do it for attention, and some. . . some actually do it because they are living openly and honestly for the first time ever. No matter where I’ve lived over the years, I’ve always run into someone during Pride celebrating their very first. The mixture of feelings can be overwhelming. Relief is often felt by many. Relief they are not alone. For others, it can be surprise, shock, confusion, and conflict. This little tidbit is for the latter group. You don’t have to fit. You don’t have to mold yourself into a stereotype or squeeze yourself into a sub-culture. You don’t have to have anything in common with all the revelers. But…you need to remember you do have one thing in common, oppression. It is still a crime in some states to be gay. It is also illegal in many more states for gays [2]when I say gay, I include everyone up/down the Kinsey scale. Where ever you fit, you too. to marry. Something as fundamental to society as marriage is still denied us in most places. Don’t even get me started on World events.

So, I’ll continue to celebrate with the freaks and fairies. I’ll continue until my rights are indistinguishable from those of my straight counterparts. When I can walk down the street in middle America hand in hand w/the man of choice w/o fear of reprisal, then and only then, will I give up the celebration. We all know that ain’t happening anytime soon so until then….the beat goes on bitches!

References

References
↑1 Pride is the #2 money making event of the year for SF.
↑2 when I say gay, I include everyone up/down the Kinsey scale. Where ever you fit, you too.

Music

I been on a downloading frenzy from Amazon lately. Now that they’ve gone DRM-free, I’m all about my old habits. lol  Anyway,  I’m sure this is old hat to most however, I love no longer being forced to buy a whole album just to get one or two songs of choice. 

Donna Summer’s new album after like forever is pretty damn good.  I love the "Stamp your feet" track.  I can’t wait to see what the underground dj clan does with it.  Madonna’s, on the other hand, total waste of her efforts.  I couldn’t bring myself to buy even one of Madge’s new songs.  *le sigh*  Speaking of music, I’ve been using last.fm to try and broaden my musical tastes.  No luck so far.  The site is clunky and not the least bit user friendly in my opinion. 

Is it wrong that I like Hilary Duff?

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Geek rant again.  You’ve been warned!

I finally discovered the trick to making my Motorola S9 headset work with Vista.  My one and only bitch about the headset is it only randomly connects to stream music w/my Dell laptop.  I love the headset.  It works fantastically with my Wing.  It also has a very sporty feel and it fits beautifully.  Gone is the worry about them falling off my head during my workouts.  I wish they would come out with some different colors but it is a tiny price to pay for convenience. 

I digress.  The damn thing will not function consistently w/my laptop.  The headset pairs and connects no problem.  System sounds come thru just fine.  However, anytime I try to stream music, no sound.  From what I’ve been able to discover, it is a driver problem.  More specifically, the current driver set doesn’t hand off between Bluetooth and your default audio source correctly.  The fix?  Wait for your bluetooth to connect and then set it as the default audio connection.  It only takes a few clicks from the system tray to switch back and forth.  And while, it isn’t ideal, [1]God forbid they just fraking update the damn drivers to work w/Vista. it will do.  /rant

References

References
↑1 God forbid they just fraking update the damn drivers to work w/Vista.

Ever Evolving

I just ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in months.  I’d sort of written him off.  After he moved here from the South, he promptly fell into an LTR and then disappeared.  You know the story.  Boy meets guy, boy becomes consumed by guy and drops everything else in his life. . . 

Or at least I thought that was the case.  Turns out, I was dead wrong.  Boy has been really evolving and learning.  He has taken some time to look at his life here and fill in the missing pieces.  Sound familiar?  lol

Not only is the Guy not consuming all his waking time but insisting he have free time to himself.  I know scary huh?  I’m so proud of my friend I could cry. [1]I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe  The guy is several years older however, rather than using that as leverage on boy, he is taking the time to help him grow as a person.  My friend was almost beaming about everything he has and is learning about himself.  His rather backward and rigid ideals have shifted and now it seems he is taking the time to explore what works for him vs trying to fit himself into a mold.  I wish him all the best of course. 

Considering my own deep thoughts as of late, I can’t help but think I needed this today.  I’ve always considered myself very evolved in certain areas and completely bass ackwards in others.  I know that may come off as a little arrogant but it isn’t meant that way.  I know everyone seems to think something traumatic happened to me recently.  I can assure you it hasn’t.  I’m not mad, hurt, or disappointed in anyone particular.  I’m just learning to listen when life sends me little reminders of things I need to learn.  Life, it seems, has been very busy in the last couple of months giving me cues.  In the past, they would have flown right by my self replicating bubble.  Now, I’m more than a little proud to say, I’m getting it.

So what do all these seemingly random occurrences mean?  Good lawd! Cut me some slack, I’m still working on that one.  However, I can tell you some of my priorities are and will be shifting.  Some areas of my life have become almost compulsive and I’m not liking that.  And while some folks will totally miss this part, I’m a big believer in energies.  Meaning certain energies attract or repel other energies.  It is time to change some of the energies I’m giving off. 

I’m excited and a little scared at the same time.  The great thing about not feeling very moral is you don’t have to worry about a fucking thing you do.  I’m a little surprised to hear myself say this but I am beginning to see myself as a moral person.  And why my morals may not be the same as everyone else’s, they are becoming increasingly important to me.  Oh my god?!  Is this what adulthood is like?  It boggles the mind…

References

References
↑1 I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe

Confounded & More

Ok, I guess my last post wasn’t very clear.  The general assumption seems to be that I’m referring to potential partners.  I wasn’t.  Or more to the point, potential partners fall under the intended gist but was by no means the focus.  I used TFA as an example only because many here have followed my ups/downs with him. [1]I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

I was referring to reciprocity in people that come into my life and stay in my life in much more general way.  That applies to friends, family, and lovers equally.  Never fear, I have no plans to stop being who I am.  I just need to re-examine my priorities a bit. Being kind, compassionate, or sympathetic is a tiny fraction of a continuing long term emotional investment in others.  What I am discovering is I need to differentiate and prioritize between random kindness and investing myself in someone who gives nothing in return.  I don’t mean tit for tat, I mean someone who cares and invests themselves in me as well.  That applies to everyone not just potential partners.   

One commenter wrote that "some people are givers and others are takers."  Sorry, but that is a cop out in my opinion.  Continuously being on one side of the spectrum is not healthy.  And it is something I’ve realized for myself that is holding me back.  Ironically, I’m on the giving side.  How’s that for a kick in the pants? lol 

References

References
↑1 I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

Reciprocity

n. :the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence.

The word isn’t exactly what I’m referring to but it is the closest I can articulate.  Go with it. 

Several events as of late have given me pause to think about the current path I’m on in my life.  The on again off again scenario with TFA is a big one.  Several other past and present events have come into play as well.  I’m humbled that at my age I can still learn things about myself. [1]One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

I tend to be someone who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  I invest a great deal of myself in people I care about.  Oddly, I’m discovering I’m not always getting the same investment in return.  The latter I’m sure has a lot to do with a low self-worth as a child.  Anyway, it wasn’t until I was knee deep in a philosophical conversation with a newish friend recently that it hit me.  I have a horrible habit of investing myself in someone, friend or otherwise, without expecting or even demanding the same in return.  I’m referring to the like energies of time, compassion, concern, advice, and the level of involvement. 

I’ve always felt it is important to be compassionate, kind, genuine, etc.  I’m discovering it is also just as important to require the type of investment from others I invest in them.  I’ll admit this will be hard for me.  It is my nature to give of myself. 

 

Continue reading Reciprocity

References

References
↑1 One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.