Category: me

Ever Evolving

I just ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in months.  I’d sort of written him off.  After he moved here from the South, he promptly fell into an LTR and then disappeared.  You know the story.  Boy meets guy, boy becomes consumed by guy and drops everything else in his life. . . 

Or at least I thought that was the case.  Turns out, I was dead wrong.  Boy has been really evolving and learning.  He has taken some time to look at his life here and fill in the missing pieces.  Sound familiar?  lol

Not only is the Guy not consuming all his waking time but insisting he have free time to himself.  I know scary huh?  I’m so proud of my friend I could cry. [1]I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe  The guy is several years older however, rather than using that as leverage on boy, he is taking the time to help him grow as a person.  My friend was almost beaming about everything he has and is learning about himself.  His rather backward and rigid ideals have shifted and now it seems he is taking the time to explore what works for him vs trying to fit himself into a mold.  I wish him all the best of course. 

Considering my own deep thoughts as of late, I can’t help but think I needed this today.  I’ve always considered myself very evolved in certain areas and completely bass ackwards in others.  I know that may come off as a little arrogant but it isn’t meant that way.  I know everyone seems to think something traumatic happened to me recently.  I can assure you it hasn’t.  I’m not mad, hurt, or disappointed in anyone particular.  I’m just learning to listen when life sends me little reminders of things I need to learn.  Life, it seems, has been very busy in the last couple of months giving me cues.  In the past, they would have flown right by my self replicating bubble.  Now, I’m more than a little proud to say, I’m getting it.

So what do all these seemingly random occurrences mean?  Good lawd! Cut me some slack, I’m still working on that one.  However, I can tell you some of my priorities are and will be shifting.  Some areas of my life have become almost compulsive and I’m not liking that.  And while some folks will totally miss this part, I’m a big believer in energies.  Meaning certain energies attract or repel other energies.  It is time to change some of the energies I’m giving off. 

I’m excited and a little scared at the same time.  The great thing about not feeling very moral is you don’t have to worry about a fucking thing you do.  I’m a little surprised to hear myself say this but I am beginning to see myself as a moral person.  And why my morals may not be the same as everyone else’s, they are becoming increasingly important to me.  Oh my god?!  Is this what adulthood is like?  It boggles the mind…

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↑1 I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe

Confounded & More

Ok, I guess my last post wasn’t very clear.  The general assumption seems to be that I’m referring to potential partners.  I wasn’t.  Or more to the point, potential partners fall under the intended gist but was by no means the focus.  I used TFA as an example only because many here have followed my ups/downs with him. [1]I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

I was referring to reciprocity in people that come into my life and stay in my life in much more general way.  That applies to friends, family, and lovers equally.  Never fear, I have no plans to stop being who I am.  I just need to re-examine my priorities a bit. Being kind, compassionate, or sympathetic is a tiny fraction of a continuing long term emotional investment in others.  What I am discovering is I need to differentiate and prioritize between random kindness and investing myself in someone who gives nothing in return.  I don’t mean tit for tat, I mean someone who cares and invests themselves in me as well.  That applies to everyone not just potential partners.   

One commenter wrote that "some people are givers and others are takers."  Sorry, but that is a cop out in my opinion.  Continuously being on one side of the spectrum is not healthy.  And it is something I’ve realized for myself that is holding me back.  Ironically, I’m on the giving side.  How’s that for a kick in the pants? lol 

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↑1 I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

Reciprocity

n. :the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence.

The word isn’t exactly what I’m referring to but it is the closest I can articulate.  Go with it. 

Several events as of late have given me pause to think about the current path I’m on in my life.  The on again off again scenario with TFA is a big one.  Several other past and present events have come into play as well.  I’m humbled that at my age I can still learn things about myself. [1]One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

I tend to be someone who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  I invest a great deal of myself in people I care about.  Oddly, I’m discovering I’m not always getting the same investment in return.  The latter I’m sure has a lot to do with a low self-worth as a child.  Anyway, it wasn’t until I was knee deep in a philosophical conversation with a newish friend recently that it hit me.  I have a horrible habit of investing myself in someone, friend or otherwise, without expecting or even demanding the same in return.  I’m referring to the like energies of time, compassion, concern, advice, and the level of involvement. 

I’ve always felt it is important to be compassionate, kind, genuine, etc.  I’m discovering it is also just as important to require the type of investment from others I invest in them.  I’ll admit this will be hard for me.  It is my nature to give of myself. 

 

Continue reading Reciprocity

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↑1 One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

Still Here IV

Moby & Frank

I’m still here. Busy week and day. I got a great surprise visit from my buddy Frank from Urswine addiction today. He was here giving his mom a tour of the city.

I had a long winded post written and it promptly disappeared when I hit “post”. Not sure why. I’m too tuckered out to retype it. In the meantime, enjoy the pics. More later.

Lazy 'mo

Anticipation

So, I’m probably one of about 10 fags not going to IML this weekend.  I had originally planned to go but decided against it.  I’ve been plenty of times and frankly, I can have sex here every weekend for free. [1]Usually that is, if you are logged in here,  you’ll understand what I mean by the previous post.

I have a 4-day weekend and very little planned.  My own fault really but I can’t be bothered to care.  I seem to care less and less about gay high holy days as I get older.  I don’t know if that is maturity or bitterness.  hehehe  I did make an effort to fill the void though.  Saturday, I’m meeting roblog for lunch.  I haven’t chatted w/him in ages and there is much to discuss. 

I’m also supposed to meet a very handsome guy I met on bigmuscle on Sunday.  Physically, he is everything I like and then some.  Mentally, so far so good.  However, I have learned not to build up expectations.  The worst thing one human can do to another is not live up to their expectations.  I’m just excited to meet someone new.  If he turns into a friend, great.  If he turns into more, even better! [2]The fucker is hot!  If not, well scratch another one.

The weather has been great so I’m also planning a bike ride on Sunday or Monday.  I’m sure I’ll also take in the Indiana Jones flick at some point.   

I’m off to work.  I have a short week so it is my Friday.  I’m excited but over this day already. 

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↑1 Usually that is, if you are logged in here,  you’ll understand what I mean by the previous post.
↑2 The fucker is hot!

Weekend In Review IV

What did I do this weekend? [1]besides being a pig.   I ended up playing Uno w/Brettcajun on the Xbox.  I can advise Brett is just as competitive at playing Uno as is at tennis. lol  He was determined to play till he got a couple wins under his belt.  He did finally.  I introduced him to a couple of my XBL [2]Xbox Live buddies.  One, from the UK and one from Boston.  It was fun.  I love Uno and playing with friends is even better.  Most of all, I loved watching Brett squirm.  I also knocked off a few games w/my buddy kristaki.  He got served on Call of Duty 4.  heehee

I also caught up on a lot of Tivo. [3]Oh yes, I was very productive  New stuff, I had 5 Battlestar Galactica, 3 Dr Who, and 5 South Park episodes.  Reruns, I had 5 ST: Voyager and 4 Stargate: Atlantis episodes.  BG is good but a bit extreme if you ask me.  They are really trying to go out with a bang.  Dr Who is constantly evolving.  I don’t like the new sidekick as much but she is growing on me.  I hope they bring Rose back.  South Park was, well South Park. lol

I was a dirty pig more than a few times to say the least.  Details forthcoming.

TFA isn’t feeling so well this week.  He had a crown replaced and had some severe pain afterwards.  Of course, the dentist office was closed over the weekend.  I felt so bad for him having to fly all over creation with a sore tooth.  Seems he is a bit better today if not a little worn out.  He always teases me because I always say my weekends are "uneventful".  lol 

Oh, I also moved all my pics over from picasa to flickr.  flickr has become just so damn handy, I couldn’t resist.  I inadvertently left some safety settings open though and got an stern scolding email.  Ooops.  All the tweaking, sorting, and labeling was a bit tedious but would been regardless of what I was using.  I didn’t realize how many damn pics I had to sort thru.  I’ve only uploaded a fraction so far.  Overall, I’m happy w/flickr but I still don’t like the idea of someone else controlling my data.  I can always delete’em if I don’t like it. 

Tomorrow, I have to be up at daylight thirty as I’m teaching again this week.  Thankfully, I had a hard ass workout today and feeling a bit sleepy.  I’m still gonna be dead on my feet come 1700 hours.  Oy!

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↑1 besides being a pig.
↑2 Xbox Live
↑3 Oh yes, I was very productive

Precaution

I got a notice from my ISP today the RSS feed for my calendar might have been hacked. [1]I didn’t even notice the calendar had an RSS feed.  oops!  I don’t really use the RSS feed for the calendar however, if you added it to your reader, please delete it.  I have also disabled it. 

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↑1 I didn’t even notice the calendar had an RSS feed.  oops!