*Todays post is a bit personal and meant more for me than you, my readers.*
I swear I need prosaic or something. Yesterday, everything was right as rain w/the world and today I’m in a funk. It could be I have been keeping myself distracted lately. Today, with nothing planned and nothing occupying my time, I’ve run out of distractions. I’m not depressed but something is nagging at me. This week has been relaxing to say the least so that can’t be it. Or maybe it is. Mabye not being rushed to get shit done or work, issues that have been pushed aside are beginning to surface. Yeah, I think that’s it. Someone call Dr. Phil and tell’em he is out of a job! Work has been blessfully busy. (I can’t believe I just said that!) And being busy keeps me preoccupied.
And the bitchin part is that I don’t think it’s just one thing. I mean if it were, I’d be able to pin it down. I am a little annoyed w/myself. Here it is July (mid year) and I’ve only accomplished one of my resolutions for the year so far. (I was supposed to have 3 or 4 done by now.) I often bitch to people that you have to lead your life and not let it lead you. And what am I doing. . . letting my life lead me. Add to that lately, I’ve had a strong desire to start dating again. Something is majorly up w/my id. (I say this because I only get this way when I’m obsessing or insecure about something.)
Other than work, there are not many big problems w/life at the moment. Of course, a drama free life doesn’t automatically equate happiness I suppose. So here I sit asking myself ‘whats up?’ Is it lonliness, bitterness, resentment, vulnerability? I don’t really feel any one thing profoundly. Maybe it is a combination of all of the above. Not enough to keep me down. But maybe it is all colliding together and building up. Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I alone? Certainly not. Bitterness? I honestly don’t know. Resentment? Yes, a little. As hard as I try the old feelings of uselessness still surface sometimes. The feeling 0f being cast aside like yesterdays garbage. Vulnerable? I think insecure better sums it up.
Now that I think about it, I think meeting Bud sort of set me off. Bud is the guy I met from Tribe this past week. I found myself very attracted to him and I think he felt the same way. I ran into Tim one day while he was here and he said I was ‘glowing’. And it’s true. I do ‘glow’ a bit when I’m excited about someone. I’m digressing a bit here, back to the story. Of course, knowing anything beyond casual friendship was out of the question, I think I felt rejected (again). And the silly part is I KNOW it wasn’t that at all. I was never his enough to be rejected. It was a chance encounter that turned out great is all. But my head and heart aren’t always on the same page it seems. So I guess, maybe meeting Bud pushed everything else into motion. (And on a side note, I admitted a crush to a guy I like from the gym. No clue yet where that might lead if anywhere.)
I think another issue might be I’m tired. Tired of always trying to validate people around me w/o getting any myself. Is that selfish? I don’t know. By validate I mean uplift, support, help, etc. I just know I always seem to be the one foregoing any sort of validation for myself for the sake of others. I don’t resent it usually as it comes naturally to me. I enjoy helping others. But lately, I think I’m feeling left out. (Again, w/the abandonment issues. Lord! Someone call Oprah.)
So now I have to ask myself, what do I do to fix it? I’m never one to bitch w/o a solution usually. Where do I go from here? For once, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what to do next. I need to do something as I’m sure these feelings will fester otherwise. *sigh* Maybe I need therapy. I think my insurance will cover it. Blogging normally helps me see things more clearly. Seeing it clearly isn’t always enough I guess. I say that now but maybe I’ll get an epiphany again!
*So afterwards, I reread this and it sounds so depressing. I’m not really depressed. I don’t think it’s gotten that far. Maybe a better description would be – I’m dissatisfied w/my life at the moment. I think that better reflects the way I’m feeling. Now I just need to figure out what the fuck to do!*
