Confounded & More

Ok, I guess my last post wasn’t very clear.  The general assumption seems to be that I’m referring to potential partners.  I wasn’t.  Or more to the point, potential partners fall under the intended gist but was by no means the focus.  I used TFA as an example only because many here have followed my ups/downs with him. [1]I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

I was referring to reciprocity in people that come into my life and stay in my life in much more general way.  That applies to friends, family, and lovers equally.  Never fear, I have no plans to stop being who I am.  I just need to re-examine my priorities a bit. Being kind, compassionate, or sympathetic is a tiny fraction of a continuing long term emotional investment in others.  What I am discovering is I need to differentiate and prioritize between random kindness and investing myself in someone who gives nothing in return.  I don’t mean tit for tat, I mean someone who cares and invests themselves in me as well.  That applies to everyone not just potential partners.   

One commenter wrote that "some people are givers and others are takers."  Sorry, but that is a cop out in my opinion.  Continuously being on one side of the spectrum is not healthy.  And it is something I’ve realized for myself that is holding me back.  Ironically, I’m on the giving side.  How’s that for a kick in the pants? lol 

References

References
↑1 I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

Reciprocity

n. :the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence.

The word isn’t exactly what I’m referring to but it is the closest I can articulate.  Go with it. 

Several events as of late have given me pause to think about the current path I’m on in my life.  The on again off again scenario with TFA is a big one.  Several other past and present events have come into play as well.  I’m humbled that at my age I can still learn things about myself. [1]One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

I tend to be someone who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  I invest a great deal of myself in people I care about.  Oddly, I’m discovering I’m not always getting the same investment in return.  The latter I’m sure has a lot to do with a low self-worth as a child.  Anyway, it wasn’t until I was knee deep in a philosophical conversation with a newish friend recently that it hit me.  I have a horrible habit of investing myself in someone, friend or otherwise, without expecting or even demanding the same in return.  I’m referring to the like energies of time, compassion, concern, advice, and the level of involvement. 

I’ve always felt it is important to be compassionate, kind, genuine, etc.  I’m discovering it is also just as important to require the type of investment from others I invest in them.  I’ll admit this will be hard for me.  It is my nature to give of myself. 

 

Continue reading Reciprocity

References

References
↑1 One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

Family

My little bro is doing ok.  Thanks to everyone who sent me well-wishes.  Very kind of you.  He is still having some residual pains however, seems to be on the mend.  Yes, it was a big wake-up call for him.  He was than a little scared by the whole ordeal. 

I’ll be seeing him later this month as I have a trip home coming up right before gay high holy day #1. [1]Pride  He is excited I’m coming.  Me too.  I can’t wait to see him and my little nephew and niece.  I’ll do my level best to take more pics this time. [2]Course, you know how that usually works out.  I did say I would try

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In other family news, I’m wiping tears of laughter away after reading Large T’s latest post.  Hop over and check it out for yourself.  Very heartwarming. 

References

References
↑1 Pride
↑2 Course, you know how that usually works out.  I did say I would try

Warmth & Woe

Frank & Adam

The weekend was awesome right up till the end. [1]Well, the end of my weekend which is Monday. As I already mentioned, my buddy Frank from Phoenix gave me a surprise visit. It was great to see and catch up with him over the weekend. On top of that, Adam & Brad made the move to SF from Dallas. They are currently in the moving “deadspot”. [2]The time between when you arrive and your furniture gets delivered. I was happy to have them over and get’em out of the empty apt.

Adam & Brad

We all went to see Sex and the City on Sunday. If you liked the series, you will love the movie. It starts off very shallow and empty and ends w/some very strong messages about life. You’ll laugh, you’ll giggle, you’ll cry. **Spoiler Alert** There is one scene that was a bit of a surprise. Samantha (my role model) was battling a particular vulnerable moment of naughtiness during which they actually showed her nemesis cock. Granted it was very quick and a bit blurred however, I was shocked they actually showed it. Maybe this Country is moving away from their unnatural fear of male genitalia. [insert girlish giggle here]

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As the day was rolling to an end, I got a bit of bad news. My younger brother had a mild MI [3]heart attack. Yes, I said my younger brother. He is only 27 however, he has had a horrible horrible diet for years. He had been suffering pain in his chest and left arm for several days before finally deciding to take his ass to the hospital. The night before his arm actually turned a little blue which is a bad sign.

Being more than a little hard-headed I panicked. My little bro tends to avoid problems when he is scared. Knowing his temperament, I was prepared to hop on a plane and fly home to make sure he stayed at the hospital for treatment. My older brother beat me to the punch by driving down from Kansas. I slept horrible last night and was up and on the phone at 6:00am this morning. [4]You can imagine my mood today.

tiredmoby

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As I write this my little brother is being released. They didn’t find a clot but believe it may have cleared on its own. They gave him some blood pressure meds and aspirin. I’m more than a little relieved.

References

References
↑1 Well, the end of my weekend which is Monday.
↑2 The time between when you arrive and your furniture gets delivered.
↑3 heart attack.
↑4 You can imagine my mood today.

Still Here IV

Moby & Frank

I’m still here. Busy week and day. I got a great surprise visit from my buddy Frank from Urswine addiction today. He was here giving his mom a tour of the city.

I had a long winded post written and it promptly disappeared when I hit “post”. Not sure why. I’m too tuckered out to retype it. In the meantime, enjoy the pics. More later.

Lazy 'mo

Weekend in Review V

Well the weekend is fast approaching the end and it wasn’t bad. 

Other than a quick trip to work for an employee conference, Friday was a blur of naps, xbox, tivo, and manual stimulation.  Day over.

Saturday, I had lunch with roblog, and Chuck.  We gabbed mostly about Rob’s most recent trip to Spain.  I’m a little envious. I wish I had the free time to travel a tad more.  Just not in the cards for now though.  Anyway, lunch was good.  I was gonna take pics but like a ‘tard I forgot.  Saturday night was a trip to bb’s.  Enough said.

Today, I met up with a guy I’ve been chatting w/on Bigmuscle.  I tried not to build any expectations and it paid off.  I had a great time hanging out with him.  He was a very nice guy.  We talked philosophy a lot.  I learned insight into some things I’d never considered before. [1]That rocked my world.  I also don’t think I’ve ever met another living person who matched my views on the distinctions being lost in our culture.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was attracted to him however, I’m not sure we are match there.  Too soon to know but I’m happy to know at the very least I’ve made a new friend.  That’s 2 new friends in the span of a month. [2]A separate post coming on this.

Tomorrow, I have several errands and chores to perform.  Cross your fingers, I’ll actually get to’em.  I still haven’t checked out the new Indiana Jones flick yet.  Maybe I can squeeze that in the time allotted for chores.  hehehe  I’m also supposed to hang out w/new friend #1 I met last week. 

Speaking of friends, thisboyelroy and Brad are almost here!  I can’t wait.  If you have a moment, pop over and wish them well on the pending move. 

Ok, time for sleep. 

References

References
↑1 That rocked my world.
↑2 A separate post coming on this.

Represent!

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting lots of reaction to the recent gay marriage ruling. Take a moment to let his office know you support equal rights for gays/lesbians.

Please take 10 seconds right now to do it!

To vote in support of the California Supreme Court’s recent decision on gay marriage:

1. Call 1-916-445-2841
2. Press 1, 5, 1, 1

Random Pic



Da Omna Santis

Originally uploaded by ibod8x5


I’m fast becoming addicted to flickr. I swore off of it for quite some time however, the site is just so damn convenient it is too hard to say no. I regretted actually paying for a premium account but, being a control freak, the yearly $25.00 won’t kill me.

I decided I would randomly post pics from flickr just for shits and grins. I took this one a while back at the old Sutro baths here. I have no idea what the latin inscription means or even if it is real.

Anticipation

So, I’m probably one of about 10 fags not going to IML this weekend.  I had originally planned to go but decided against it.  I’ve been plenty of times and frankly, I can have sex here every weekend for free. [1]Usually that is, if you are logged in here,  you’ll understand what I mean by the previous post.

I have a 4-day weekend and very little planned.  My own fault really but I can’t be bothered to care.  I seem to care less and less about gay high holy days as I get older.  I don’t know if that is maturity or bitterness.  hehehe  I did make an effort to fill the void though.  Saturday, I’m meeting roblog for lunch.  I haven’t chatted w/him in ages and there is much to discuss. 

I’m also supposed to meet a very handsome guy I met on bigmuscle on Sunday.  Physically, he is everything I like and then some.  Mentally, so far so good.  However, I have learned not to build up expectations.  The worst thing one human can do to another is not live up to their expectations.  I’m just excited to meet someone new.  If he turns into a friend, great.  If he turns into more, even better! [2]The fucker is hot!  If not, well scratch another one.

The weather has been great so I’m also planning a bike ride on Sunday or Monday.  I’m sure I’ll also take in the Indiana Jones flick at some point.   

I’m off to work.  I have a short week so it is my Friday.  I’m excited but over this day already. 

References

References
↑1 Usually that is, if you are logged in here,  you’ll understand what I mean by the previous post.
↑2 The fucker is hot!