Balance

Today was the last day of my teaching gig at work.  Thankfully, I’m back on my regular shift tomorrow and its Friday. 

Thanks to everyone who sent well-wishes.  I’m not quite sure if I have a cold, flu, or just a nasty sinus infection.  Whatever it is, it seems to be moving pretty quickly.  Yesterday I was absolutely miserable.  Today, I’m feeling a tad better. [1]The libido and my appetite are returning with a vengeance.   Still coughing/sneezing a bit but feeling better overall.  I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll be almost good as new again.  Of course, it didn’t help having to get up early all this week to teach class.  I could have at least lost some weight but didn’t lose even 1 pound.  Damn it!

I haven’t been to the gym once this week.  I feel fat even though I know I’m not (Missing the gym always makes me feel guilty, like a hooker in church).  There is always next week I guess.  The break might be a good thing.  I’m wondering if pushing myself so hard at the gym contributed to my abrupt snot fest. [2]That or too much naughtiness at bb’s 

*

I got an interesting job offer this week.  It would be a short-term gig and my current employment would continue uninterrupted.   I know that sounds confusing.  "Lemme esplain."  There is a clause in our MOU that would allow me to become a Union Rep. for the Union (not for my individual chapter) for 3 months.  I would actually represent my department and 2 others.  It would be a very good experience for me.  The possible down side would be problems transitioning back into my current position.  My current rep. says it is all covered but I know how sneaky the management team is within my dept.  I could envision them trying to force me out of my seniority.  If I can’t get an iron-clad written agreement from the City DHR people, I won’t take it. 

The upside is I would learn a lot more about the inner workings of my Union, by-laws, labor laws, etc.  It would give me an incredible advantage when I came back as a Steward for my local chapter.  I would also be a 9 to 5’er for the duration.  I’m not too excited about getting up that early however, I could flex my hours to come in a tad later. It is still all very iffy at the moment but I’m curious to see how it will work out. 

References

References
↑1 The libido and my appetite are returning with a vengeance.
↑2 That or too much naughtiness at bb’s

Hack

Someone has repeatedly been trying to hack my calendar site.  I got a notice from my ISP a couple months back regarding an intrusion attempt on my calendar’s RSS feed.  I disabled that.  Today, I discovered a new ics file loaded into my calendar directory.  It was incorrectly formatted so the program wouldn’t run it.  However, a quick perusal of the base file showed a redirect command.  I googled the redirect site and it came back as a trojan.

Annoyed with the apparent software vulnerabilities, I nixed the entire program.  I did export my data file into Gcal (google’s version) beforehand.  As fates would have it, there is a nifty plug in for Thunderbird that lets me update and modify the Gcal version just as easily as I did my original.

Not than anyone really cares about my schedule…

Weekend

The weekend hasn’t been bad so far.  Uneventful overall.  Saturday, I stat around all day being lazy as usual.  I did make it out to sushi w/Adam & Brad.  They caught me up on all the days sight-seeing activities.  Apparently, they were none too impressed w/some of the snootier neighborhoods here.  Not that I can blame’em really.

Afterwards, we sat around at my place and geeked out online.  Poor things have been w/o internet since they got here so I was happy to share mine.  It was funny.  Brad’s flipping channels while Adam and I are both sitting w/our laptops out surfing and catching up online.  A veritable geek bonanza. lol

I sat around updating flickr and surfing online. [1]I didn’t realize how many pics I had.  I’ve only uploading about half of my total inventory so far.  The desire for food finally drove me outdoors.  I stopped by Firewood and was shamelessly flirting with a scruffy fucker till his lover walked in.  He could tell I was less than amused at being mislead.  Of course, I didn’t have to respond but still.  It felt duplicitous. 

Later, I had a get together and then a nice dinner w/one of my regulars.  He always wears me out.  *whew*

Oh btw, skip the Happening.  What a total waste of time.  It was awful enough I almost got up and walked out. 

References

References
↑1 I didn’t realize how many pics I had.  I’ve only uploading about half of my total inventory so far.

Community

I’m on my horse this week so I figured I’d keep it rolling.  I’ve blogged on this before but as always, the thought processes are ever-evolving.  Actually, I was reminded after having a flame war on twitter last night. [1]Ok, not really, we were just talking. But everyone does so love a good cat fight.  I’m referring to the word in the sense of the gay community. 

I hear all the time, "I’m not into the gay scene" or "I don’t really feel a part of the gay community".  Even better, "I just have nothing in common with those people."  Wha-wha-what?  Forgetting for a moment these statements are completely subjective, I have a newsflash for ya.  IF YOU ARE GAY, that makes you connected.  Does that mean you have to identify with everyone?  No.  Does that mean it should consume you?  Of course not.  Does being straight make all straight people cohesive?  Then why should we think that being gay will unite us all together?

Webster has several definitions for the word community but the one I find most applicable is as follows:

n: a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society. [2]http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/community

So we have a defining characteristic that makes us a community in this sense.  However, as mentioned, the word has several other meanings.  And herein lies the distinction lost, IMHO. [3]I originally listed out every definition and then re-thought it.  Just click the damn lick above already.  Whether thru simple misunderstanding or misapplication, we have begun to assume the wrong definition of "community" to describe ourselves.  Maybe because we want to belong but don’t feel like we do.  Boy, am I an expert on that one.  I would argue that most of the LGBT community doesn’t really identify with any of the more visible sub-cultures or stereotypes.  But because the latter tend to be more visible, we incorrectly assume a lack of connection.  There are other factors that come into play however, for the sake of brevity we’ll stick to the topic at hand. (I do so love to hear myself talk don’t I?)

Where does that leave us?  Well, you can continue to distance yourself out of fear or you can decide that you are not a victim.  I know, I know it is easier to play the victim when you feel cut off and alone.  Been there, done that, still have the Tshirt.  Here is another newsflash for ya.  No one can make you feel inferior w/o your permission.  And, hiding behind ineffectual coping mechanisms is not the answer either.   Happiness is not a guarantee.  It is up to you to get off your butt and pursue it.  It doesn’t take courage or bravery or any of that other shit.  All it takes is effort. 

Let go of the outside-looking-in mentality and join the rest of the community in celebration of life and the struggle for our freedoms. 

References

References
↑1 Ok, not really, we were just talking. But everyone does so love a good cat fight.
↑2 http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/community
↑3 I originally listed out every definition and then re-thought it.  Just click the damn lick above already.

Kudos

I thought I’d take a break from the random hate mail I get and post a nice one.  I’ve taken the author’s info out for privacy.

Periodically I peruse through BIGMUSCLE (I’m not on there anymore) to see if I can find out a little more about the guys here in SF. I’m from NY and here via Southern California. I still live and work between here and San Diego. Since moving to California I have always felt out of my element. I often question myself and wonder if I am becoming jaded or if I’m just completely out of touch.Deep down I know that although many of my thoughts about the gay "community" are not the popular consensus…I’m really right on the mark.

  This morning I read "Points to Ponder" on your profile page and your three statements put to words much of what I think in my head and cannot summarize so eloquently. I smiled and was validated. Thank you for that. Everything you say in your profile is a perfect example of what being a "man" is all about.Its quite contrary to what so many gay men think a man is-The muscles,the hair,the clothes…the "group" that they belong to.Its seems as though you have taken responsibility for yourself and have taken the steps to be aware.If more men here had your attitude I would probably be more tempted to stay.Just wanted to thank you for making my day a little more interesting. I wish you all the best….I suspect you deserve only that.

I’ve already replied to the author w/my thanks.  The irony was his email was exactly what I needed as well.  You see, I sometimes wonder if it is just easier to be dysfunctional.  That way I wouldn’t feel so isolated at times.  I often refer to my belief that a lot of gay men [1]or folks in general fall into destructive habits out of an acute need to belong.  We all have an innate need to feel connected or to belong.  Whether we consciously recognize the desire isn’t so important for the topic of this post.  I think it is stronger or more pronounced for gay men because of the stigma of growing up gay and 2nd class citizens.  I know in my own case it has been a crippling force in my life that I still battle with.  Anyway, I needed a little confirmation that I wasn’t alone in my desire to rise above.  Just a simple little email is all it took.   

References

References
↑1 or folks in general

Ooopsie!

I’m at the showers in the gym today.  Two of the employees are inside working on the steam room door (which is glass).  Of course, being the steam room was closed the entire area was deserted except for me.  Anyway, the duo seems to be trying to adjust the door as the bottom is scraping the floor a tad bit. 

I’m watching in earnest thinking to myself, "this is not gonna end well."  Sure enough, not even 5 minutes later the door shatters into a million pieces.  I was a little dumb-founded.  Even as I’m thinking it, I hadn’t quite wrapped my head around the actual idea they would break the door.  lol   Being tempered glass, they both came away with just a few minor abrasions. 

Pride 08 Cometh



Pride 08 Cometh

Originally uploaded by ibod8x5


It is that time again. The time of year when San Francisco opens its bosom to the world at large and says “welcome”. The supposed mecca prepares for the onslaught of daddies, queens, dykes, fags, queers, and freaks. And that’s just the locals. LOL

I snapped this shot on the side of the bus stop in the ‘hood. This particular poster is not just in Castro, it’s all over the City. [1]Pride is the #2 money making event of the year for SF.

The City is already abuzz with excitement and anticipation of Gay Pride 08. I may not be fresh out of the closet or even questioning my sexuality but I still celebrate. Many see Pride as a spectacle because of the more flagrant folks. Not me. Sure, some do it for shock value, some do it for attention, and some. . . some actually do it because they are living openly and honestly for the first time ever. No matter where I’ve lived over the years, I’ve always run into someone during Pride celebrating their very first. The mixture of feelings can be overwhelming. Relief is often felt by many. Relief they are not alone. For others, it can be surprise, shock, confusion, and conflict. This little tidbit is for the latter group. You don’t have to fit. You don’t have to mold yourself into a stereotype or squeeze yourself into a sub-culture. You don’t have to have anything in common with all the revelers. But…you need to remember you do have one thing in common, oppression. It is still a crime in some states to be gay. It is also illegal in many more states for gays [2]when I say gay, I include everyone up/down the Kinsey scale. Where ever you fit, you too. to marry. Something as fundamental to society as marriage is still denied us in most places. Don’t even get me started on World events.

So, I’ll continue to celebrate with the freaks and fairies. I’ll continue until my rights are indistinguishable from those of my straight counterparts. When I can walk down the street in middle America hand in hand w/the man of choice w/o fear of reprisal, then and only then, will I give up the celebration. We all know that ain’t happening anytime soon so until then….the beat goes on bitches!

References

References
↑1 Pride is the #2 money making event of the year for SF.
↑2 when I say gay, I include everyone up/down the Kinsey scale. Where ever you fit, you too.

Music

I been on a downloading frenzy from Amazon lately. Now that they’ve gone DRM-free, I’m all about my old habits. lol  Anyway,  I’m sure this is old hat to most however, I love no longer being forced to buy a whole album just to get one or two songs of choice. 

Donna Summer’s new album after like forever is pretty damn good.  I love the "Stamp your feet" track.  I can’t wait to see what the underground dj clan does with it.  Madonna’s, on the other hand, total waste of her efforts.  I couldn’t bring myself to buy even one of Madge’s new songs.  *le sigh*  Speaking of music, I’ve been using last.fm to try and broaden my musical tastes.  No luck so far.  The site is clunky and not the least bit user friendly in my opinion. 

Is it wrong that I like Hilary Duff?

*

Geek rant again.  You’ve been warned!

I finally discovered the trick to making my Motorola S9 headset work with Vista.  My one and only bitch about the headset is it only randomly connects to stream music w/my Dell laptop.  I love the headset.  It works fantastically with my Wing.  It also has a very sporty feel and it fits beautifully.  Gone is the worry about them falling off my head during my workouts.  I wish they would come out with some different colors but it is a tiny price to pay for convenience. 

I digress.  The damn thing will not function consistently w/my laptop.  The headset pairs and connects no problem.  System sounds come thru just fine.  However, anytime I try to stream music, no sound.  From what I’ve been able to discover, it is a driver problem.  More specifically, the current driver set doesn’t hand off between Bluetooth and your default audio source correctly.  The fix?  Wait for your bluetooth to connect and then set it as the default audio connection.  It only takes a few clicks from the system tray to switch back and forth.  And while, it isn’t ideal, [1]God forbid they just fraking update the damn drivers to work w/Vista. it will do.  /rant

References

References
↑1 God forbid they just fraking update the damn drivers to work w/Vista.

Ever Evolving

I just ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in months.  I’d sort of written him off.  After he moved here from the South, he promptly fell into an LTR and then disappeared.  You know the story.  Boy meets guy, boy becomes consumed by guy and drops everything else in his life. . . 

Or at least I thought that was the case.  Turns out, I was dead wrong.  Boy has been really evolving and learning.  He has taken some time to look at his life here and fill in the missing pieces.  Sound familiar?  lol

Not only is the Guy not consuming all his waking time but insisting he have free time to himself.  I know scary huh?  I’m so proud of my friend I could cry. [1]I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe  The guy is several years older however, rather than using that as leverage on boy, he is taking the time to help him grow as a person.  My friend was almost beaming about everything he has and is learning about himself.  His rather backward and rigid ideals have shifted and now it seems he is taking the time to explore what works for him vs trying to fit himself into a mold.  I wish him all the best of course. 

Considering my own deep thoughts as of late, I can’t help but think I needed this today.  I’ve always considered myself very evolved in certain areas and completely bass ackwards in others.  I know that may come off as a little arrogant but it isn’t meant that way.  I know everyone seems to think something traumatic happened to me recently.  I can assure you it hasn’t.  I’m not mad, hurt, or disappointed in anyone particular.  I’m just learning to listen when life sends me little reminders of things I need to learn.  Life, it seems, has been very busy in the last couple of months giving me cues.  In the past, they would have flown right by my self replicating bubble.  Now, I’m more than a little proud to say, I’m getting it.

So what do all these seemingly random occurrences mean?  Good lawd! Cut me some slack, I’m still working on that one.  However, I can tell you some of my priorities are and will be shifting.  Some areas of my life have become almost compulsive and I’m not liking that.  And while some folks will totally miss this part, I’m a big believer in energies.  Meaning certain energies attract or repel other energies.  It is time to change some of the energies I’m giving off. 

I’m excited and a little scared at the same time.  The great thing about not feeling very moral is you don’t have to worry about a fucking thing you do.  I’m a little surprised to hear myself say this but I am beginning to see myself as a moral person.  And why my morals may not be the same as everyone else’s, they are becoming increasingly important to me.  Oh my god?!  Is this what adulthood is like?  It boggles the mind…

References

References
↑1 I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe