Up or Down

tfamoby2.jpg

Vacation last week was very uneventful after TFA left. Well, that isn’t exactly true. We had a little drama but it was mostly self-induced. I learned something about myself though. For all my growing these past 4 years, I still have a ways to go.

The night before he left, TFA walled himself off from me. I could literally see the barriers come crashing down. He withdrew from me for a few days afterwards and it drove me nuts. The why doesn’t really matter as we’ve already worked thru it. It was only indirectly related to me. After talking about it later, I think we’ve crossed the last hurdle between us. The reason I bring it up is because what happened afterwards. After he left, I felt miserable. I started thinking some pretty negative thoughts and acting on my old fears. One of the biggest fears I struggle with is “am I enough?“. I know where it comes from so no need to beat that horse again. However, it is a fear that has plagued me my whole adult life. Sometimes to the point of crippling my ability to move beyond it. Surprised?

So I found myself thinking familiar thoughts. What did I do? Did I say or do something out of line? Was I overly attentive? Was I attentive enough? Did he change his mind about how he felt about me? Was he disappointed? Did I not measure up? Basically, I was beating myself up wondering what I had done wrong. For two days I put myself thru this. Being off work only made it worse as I had nothing to distract me. [1]Well, there was the new Ratchet & Clank game. However, the morning of day three I snapped out of it. Reason and sanity prevailed.

I remembered I am a good man. I have my faults, sure enough. However, I have worked very hard to be a good man and to have the qualities in myself I desire in another. I have a lot to offer someone. And, my ability to love is boundless. If he can’t see or accept it, for whatever reason, then that isn’t my issue at all. So I gave up on my little pity party and felt better. No matter what happened, I was confident in myself again. The irony was he called me right after and told me what was going on. Turns out, it had nothing to do with me at all. [2]Ok, that isn’t true either. His developing feelings for me were involved but not the heart of the problem.

When I was younger, the pity party would have continued. I would not have snapped out of it. This incident has shown me I have, in fact, grown quite a bit. I still need some work but hey, don’t we all? lol I’m a little proud of myself actually. I’m beginning to look beyond the old fears and actually take stock in my own self-worth. A nice feeling.

All this coming up has shown me something else. I’ve fallen for him. Maybe not the deep abiding love that comes from being nurtured and reforged over time but love in its infancy. The line has been crossed for me. A good feeling but a scary one.

References

References
↑1 Well, there was the new Ratchet & Clank game.
↑2 Ok, that isn’t true either. His developing feelings for me were involved but not the heart of the problem.

In Other News

…not about TFA. LOL Thanks for all the kudos btw. Yeah, I think he is a hottie too. I think several things but that is a topic for another day. hehehe

Work is driving me nuts and a showdown is coming (when I’m back from vacation that is). The new Deputy Director has gone off the deep end w/repeated MOU [1]Memorandum of Understanding. The Union contract w/the City violations. Our last Labor meeting she got called to task by the City’s DHR rep. A small victory but boy did it light up our faces. She got called out of the room and when she came back in it looked like she had been bitch slapped. I’m sad about this turn of events because I kind of liked her when I first met her. And truth be told, she does have some good ideas. But because of the way she has come across, she has ruined any goodwill she could have captured. And I do mean ruined. The outcome is not going to be pretty. One good thing to come it though. She has cause a lot of the complacent employees to get motivated. They are hopping mad and ready to do something. FINALLY some support!

I’ve been a little lazy with my gym time lately. I’m still going but not as consistently. I haven’t lost any new muscle growth so I’m content for the moment. My biggest problem is I get bored. The routines become tedious and my mind wanders. Never a good thing. hehehe. I did have an interesting encounter today though. [2]More on that later

I went to see 30 Days of Night the other day with the roomie. Not bad over all. It gets an A+ for being scary. A throw back to the old days of using flash scenes and loud music to make you jump. Loved it! lol The special affects were ok. The goal wasn’t to wow in that dept so nothing exciting there. Another A+ for all the gore though. Several really gross scenes. Nice! That said, the plot was a tad disappointing. Of course, you don’t really expect much from these types of movies however, they could have made a little more effort to flesh it out (pun intended). You never discover where they came from, how they found the remote village, etc. They allude to it many times with no follow up so you are left completely bewildered in the aspect. Overall, worth a see if you are horror fan. If not or if you get squeamish, you might wait for DVD. The roomie and I amused ourselves by pointing out the hotties in the theatre we would sleep with given the chance. Oh yes, he is a slut too.

Speaking of movies, I watched all three versions of SAW the other day. OMG, those are some sick films! lol I sorta held off because I tend to shy away from movies that could give real world sick fucks ideas however, I couldn’t quell my curiosity. Thankfully, they were so far over the top, I needn’t have worried. Now I’m excited to see the new one coming out. TFA wants to see it too so I’m holding off till he gets back up this way. Thank god he loves scary movies! I haven’t quite converted him to gaming yet though. Give me time. *eg*

I had to chew Microsoft a new ass again today. I called for a status update on my 2nd return of my console. The chick launched into her spiel about 3-6 weeks for repair and I let her have it. I hate being ugly however, I’m really frustrated by the lack of organization. She said she didn’t see any notes about me getting an exchange. I can guarantee you after today there are some notes. She also said I’ll get a confirmation within 3 days. Sometimes being a bitch gets the job done sadly. Thankfully, I’ll have the new Ratchet & Clank for the PS3 soon. That should keep me preoccupied enough to give Micro-hell some time to get their act together.

Ok, I’ve rambled enough. I need to catch up on my blogroll. I’m still way behind. I feel so guilty. I discovered 3 of my regular blogs have stopped blogging. I’m sad but confident they will be back!

References

References
↑1 Memorandum of Understanding. The Union contract w/the City
↑2 More on that later

Boredom

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I’ve been extremely busy doing absolutely nothing. lol

I’d planned a bunch of stuff to do with TFA but since he had to go home early that is all moot. I’m more than a little disappointed but not the least bit angry. If it had been me, I’d have gone home too. Thankfully, his place didn’t get caught up in the fires.

Of course, my vacation has drastically changed now. I was thinking of going to Ft Lauderdale but the flights were hella expensive for last minute so I’m just hanging at home. The time off is enjoyable enough. I’m thinking of going for a long ride up the coast today. It has been very warm this week and would be awful to waste potentially the last warm days of the season.

I also got word today a buddy is having a little bit of domestic troubles. I’m sad for him. He is a good man. He is someone I’m honored to call a friend so I hope it all works out. He deserves to be happy. I’ll keep my fingers (and toes) crossed it does.

Anyway, I’m off to the gym to work my ‘muskles’. Later

Purdy

As promised, here is a pic of TFA and I. Unfortunately, due to the wildland fires down in SD he had to cut his trip short. Leave it to a natural disaster to happen just when things are moving a long nicely for me. lol

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We did get to spend two days together which was very nice. I’m off to the movies so I’ll have to write more later.

Tired Teddy

Ugh! I’m tired. Two days of getting up before the crack of dawn and I’m so over it. I’m a tired mofo right now. Thankfully, I’m back to my normal schedule tomorrow today. I get to sleep in and I only have two more days till my vacation starts! Four of which, I’m spending with TFA.

Speaking of, I’m such a basket case right now. Nervous/excited/scared/giddy/horny all at the same time. LOL Lord, someone give me a valium!

TFA

I haven’t mentioned TFA much lately. Well, things are going well. As I mentioned, he is coming up on the 22nd to spend 4 days with me. Besides the non-stop sex we’ll be having, it will also give us a chance to see how we interact on a day-to-day basis.

We crossed a hurdle of sorts this past week. He has been very guarded about his emotions and feelings toward me. Don’t get me wrong, when we are together I see what he is feeling on his face. [1]I totally dig that I can read him too! I’ve known all along how he feels however, this week he finally said it out loud. One, he admitted he has feelings for me and two, he said he missed me. Of course, I melted like butter. LOL (I know, don’t go all mushy on ya. hehehe.) It has been awhile since I felt this way so pardon me for basking in the glow.

The weird part is now I’m scared one. Before, when I wasn’t really sure where things were headed I wasn’t. After our rough start, I guess I kept half expecting he’d change his mind and fly away (pun intended). Now that he has admitted his feelings to himself and me, I find that I’m nervous. It took me almost 2 years to fully come to terms with the breakup with my ex. And several bungled attempts since, I find myself wondering if I’m ready. The one good thing about the distance between us is it prevents me from coming on too strong. I have to laugh here. I know myself pretty well now. I can be an intense mother fucker when I totally let go. [2]I know, color you surprised right? I also know for a fact if I had pushed him, TFA and I would not be on this path right now. The weird part. I haven’t felt the need to push him. I’ve said from the beginning I want it to be right between us for the right reasons. To my delight, events have conspired to just that end so far.

Yeah, I’m scared. Yeah, I’m nervous. Am I so foolish as to turn my back on the opportunity. Hell to the no! If you’ve learned anything about me in the last 3 years, you know I don’t pass up an opportunity. Scared or not, I’m not about to back out. I’ve worked hard at being the type of man I’d like to date. Now that I’ve found one I would like to date, it is time to put up or shut up!

Switching gears for a moment. Everyone keeps asking for a picture. Yes, I’ll try and get some this coming week to share. No, not THAT kind. Several of you have been chopping at the bit to see “my type”. [3]I don’t really have a set type. Different guys do it for me for different reasons. Oh, and I created a new sub-category under dating to track things with TFA.

Wish me luck? Or am I just crazy?

References

References
↑1 I totally dig that I can read him too!
↑2 I know, color you surprised right?
↑3 I don’t really have a set type. Different guys do it for me for different reasons.