Suck, Swallow, & Spit

Ok, get your mind out of my gutter. Actually, the title came to me after a very short terse email from an unknown reader.

Moby, you are a moron and you suck.

I do suck. And I swallow too but that’s another story. Here’s a tip, don’t go away bitter honey, just go away. . .

So after more than one private email asking “what gives?”, I guess I should clear the air. A few of you seem a bit worried about moi. Mind you, I’m completely honored you took the time to check in, rest assured I am ok. Actually, I’m better than ok.

This has been a year of change and growth for me. Way more than I ever expected. Every week I sit down wondering what I’m gonna write about. Then suddenly, the fingers start moving and all this stuff comes flying out. Which is sorta the purpose of the blog in the first place, right? I know I blog about very menial and superficial stuff at times. That’s part of who I am. But lately, a lot of ideals and realizations have been “clicking” into place up in the ole noodle. Actually, I think the spark came from having an image of someone I’d built up in my mind shattered. I’m not exactly sure if that’s irony, karma, or just coincidence. I really couldn’t give a rat’s spit which one it is. I’m noticing old habits don’t seem as ingrained anymore. Certain addictions (no not drugs silly) don’t seem to hold the same appeal either. I grow weary of negative thoughts that often serve to distract me from the truth. I find myself banishing them more and more often. I can literally “feel” myself changing.

As I commented to one very genuine blogger, on the outside I’m the same old me. On the inside however, things are all jumbled up. And as the dust settles, a new better me is emerging. I think the changes are are very subtle in nature but pronounced in their affect. You might say, a “new and improved” me. How’s that for an infomercial?

God? Are you there, it’s me Moby

*This entry involves religion and could be viewed as offensive. If you have an open mind or are at least willing to test your convictions, read on. Otherwise, don’t say I didn’t warn you.*

After reading my blog entry, a casual friend I ran into today offered to “pray” for me. I politely explained I found his idea of prayer alien and not at all comforting. I find the common day “christian” version of God to be insulting and limited by it’s very nature; a failed construct that only serves to hinder us. I know he was just being kind. However, the older I get the less inclined I am to gloss over people’s ignorant but well-intentioned behavior. (And by use of the term ignorant, I am in no way trying to be mean.)

I grew up “godless” you could say. My family claimed a belief in god but didn’t really have a denomination of choice. The most popular in the area were southern baptist, church of christ, and pentacostal. Yeah, three very diverse, and at times, charasmatic denominations. As I began to struggle w/my burgeoning sexuality, I also began a quest to find god. All I found was a lot of pandering, lip service, and hypocricy. No one could answer (or even conceive of the notion) how god could first create me this way and then punish me for it. It wasn’t until this incident that I began to look beyond what I was being told. I even took theology in college in an attempt to “track god down”. My first discovery came in the realization of gross similarities between stories of the bible and stories from mythology. Even more disillusioning, the deliberate mistranslations of the bible into english surrounding homosexuality. The final straw came when I realized if I could discover such a fundamental truth, the religious “authorities” had to know as well. Which meant they were propagating and protecting a pack of lies. I abandoned the traditional view of god all together after that. (I also dropped theology as my minor.)
Continue reading God? Are you there, it’s me Moby

Biker Blues

So the new bike broke down today. I think it’s my fault. Only time will tell. Right after I bought it, I dropped it one day and broke the end off the clutch handle. It was still functional but I decided to replace it. In the process, I may have messed up a monitoring mechanism that protects the bike from starting in higher gears. Long story short, I may have broken that mechanism unknowingly while replacing the clutch handle.

The bike worked fine right after so I’m surprised it took so long to stop working. I rode it several times through out the day after the repair. It’s under warranty and the dealer is looking at it right now. Of course, this means I’m back to riding the scooter till it’s fixed. I’ve been storing the scooter at work and I went down today to warm it up. I laughed out loud after it started up. I’ve gotten so used to the roar of my baby the scooter sounded almost comical. I’m not too proud though. It served me well for 3 years. A couple more days won’t hurt.

**

Today is my last day on a 4/10 shift. I’m back to regular 5/8’s with Sunday/Monday’s off. While I enjoyed the extra day off, I’m looking forward to switching back. I’ll have more time during the day to get to the gym and errands.

**

An anonymous commentor sent me a nice email today. A bit repetitive but very kind nonetheless. I’m flattered at the thought of giving others inspiration.

Moby – you astound me with your ability to balance the mundane details of your life against your constant revelations. I admire [you] very much and want you to know that you do inspire others. You give the rest of us inspiration to keep going.

Thank you Anon. I don’t claim any moral high ground. I’m just trying to stake out my claim to life and what works for me. I offer my struggles up for examination to give perspective. I’m happy it helps.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Changes In The Wind

*I’m having a hard time articulating myself so bear w/me.*

I was faced w/an uneasy choice recently. While the details vary, it’s a choice I’ve made several times before, not always successful mind you. In a nutshell, it boils down to a tug-of-war that breaks out between my emotions and my reason. Emotions often win out. Not necessarily a bad thing however, the emotions aren’t always postive ones.

For those few long-term readers, you know self-image and self-worth are often my biggest demons to fight. Many of my choices in the past have been heavily influenced by said demons. The results of those flawed choices have often been disasterous. My last relationship being a spectacular example of that. Enter the blog. Many of you have witnessed my efforts(s) over the last two years to flesh out these problems and put an axe to’em. I know, I’m being vague but, like I said, the details behind my post today aren’t overly relevant and would only serve to stir up unnecessary drama. The point is I made a different choice this time. I went w/my reason instead of my emotions. Surprisingly, the fallout pain and regret I expected have yet to materialize. No, if I had to choose any one feeling, I’d say I’m feeling very liberated!

Instead of acting on irrational fears and old abandonment issues, I made a decision based on reason. I know it sounds odd but this really is a first for me. The decision isn’t what I originally hoped for but it is the right decision. And no matter how it turns out, I’m taking time to wallow in that just a little. *g*

Gaydar

No not the website but the mythical skill of devining if someone is gay or not. First, let me say gaydar is never 100%. However, some have a knack for picking the ‘mo’s out of a crowd, myself included.

I always get a giggle out of guys who go out of their way to hide the fact their gay. That, in itself, is a topic for another day. I tease my straight counterparts w/ “I can smell a fellow homo at 500 paces! The eyes are the quickest give away. I’m a roamer. My eyes are always roaming. I can’t help it. The quick glance or stare is always the easiest to spot. Or they look you up and down and then quickly look away. Ding! Then there are the guys who avoid eye contact in attempt to foil your signal. Little do they realize that’s also a dead give away. Duh! Oh and when you are sitting in a steam room w/a semi, I think it’s pretty obvious too.

In other less interesting news, I called in sick yesterday. I feel fine but my carpel tunnel was flaring up so I gave my fingers the day off. I have an ergo keyboard at home/work which is a god send. My case isn’t that bad however, I also have a light case of arthritis in my hands (not the crippling kind). When the two flare up together it tends to give me grief. My roomies works a 9 to 5’er so we took the opportunity to go shopping at Pottery Barn. He felt left out the other day when I did my power shopping at Ikea. We needed a few more knick-knacks for the living room. We have very different tastes it seems. We are making headway though. He likes ultra contemporary and I tend to like lots of hardwoods w/strong lines. Thank goodness we agree on colors.


Oh, and I bought a new watch (again) today. I managed to break the last one. Which is why I rarely spend over a $100 on a watch. I’m hard on my toys.

The Official Vidcast. . .

So, I got the bugs worked out of the code (I think). I tinkered w/it for hours. I couldn’t get IE and Firefox to load it right using call commands so I said screw it.

Here it is the official vidcast of the moby files. . . Don’t judge too harshly, I’m just a beginner after all. (The irony is it actually displays much better using firefox instead of IE. How’s that for a kick in the pants?)




* You can download the video here if you are having trouble.*

Code 3 – v2.0

What I did for my fourth of July?

Well, I helped a nice Russian lady face the hard reality of pending organ failure due to chronic Hep C infection. She developed an upper GI bleed today and showed the first stages of organ failure. Sadly, her future doesn’t look rosey.

Then I worked a 49 year old male in full arrest from a MI (heart attack). He later coded (died) at the hospital. While the learning experience for me was invaluable, all I wanted to do was hug his poor wife afterwards. They were visiting from out of town. I’m sure this wasn’t in the vacation plans. I can only imagine what it’s like to lose a loved while on vacation in a foreign city. I can’t speak for other cities but, the emergency responder care you get in SF is first rate. We had 3 paramedics onscene, a paramedic captain, and 4 EMT’s (including me). With the exception of moi, it’s a standard response on any type of resuscitation. We “worked” the man for almost an hour before finally transporting C3 (code 3) to the nearest hospital. We didn’t think he’d live but since he had what’s called a ‘workable rhythm’ on his heart-rate, we did the best we could. I’m a quick study and that one call made it worth it for all my previous ride alongs. I’m very fortunate in that I assimilate info quickly. The other firefighters didn’t know I was a newbie till after it was over and my crew mentioned it.
Continue reading Code 3 – v2.0