I might be getting my motorcyle sooner than I thought. My buddy from the dealer called me and they have one meeting my specs. I’m gonna swing by on Tuesday and check it out.
Art or Trash?
This is a new topic for me. I rarely discuss art as 1) I don’t own any 2) what most people call art, I call trash. I’m always amazed at what folks will throw together and call art. Even more of a highbrow for me is what they charge for it. As if slapping an expensive tag on it and calling it art miracuously gives it higher meaning. In a word, bullshit. But what do I know? I’m just a hick who made it out of the sticks. True, growing up as poor as I did, it is hard for me to place value on artistic expression. And when one is wondering where your next meal is coming from, art is a low priority on the list of things to ponder. I do occasionally find work that appeals to my aesthetics (proper syntax?) as well as my wallet. So it is possible. Probable? well thats to be seen.
My rant stems from my desire to have artwork in my home. I’ve often avoided the issue by saying until I buy a home, it’s really not a “home” per say. Why buy art for it? Smelling some more BS yet? Yeah, me too. My lack of art presents an annoying detail I am hoping to change. See my afore mentioned comment on pricetags and you begin to see my dilema. Oddly enough, I have no desire to sit down, create something, and call it art. A contradiction? Possibly.
If one types ‘gay art’ into a google search your first page is littered w/mostly porn. Mind you, I’ve always had a fascination for erotic anime, Tom of Finland, explicit cartoons, etc. However, said interest is not something I wish to plaster all over my walls. Nor do I want the stereotypical black and whites you see on so many…uh hum…walls d’jour.
So my quest this year is to find artistic works that appeal to both my eyes and wallet. I’ll even take pics to show’em off. You can be the judge of my success.
Nothing To See Here…
How did I spend today? Mostly tied up in fraking meetings I didn’t care to be in. Two hours turned into four. Next thing I know, the day is over. I did manage to get a few things done. I’m just out of the bathroom from trimming all my body hair. Notice I said trim not shave. I detest the whole shaved stubbley look/feel guys get into. Nothing worse than licking a guys. . . you get the picture.
And have I ever mentioned how much I fucking hate doing laundry. *insert prayer to whatever diety you believe in here that I win the lotto and can hire a housebo.* Anyway, nothing exciting to report. I wish I had some philosophical statement to make. Something profound to wow you. Nope. Sorry, you are stuck w/plain ole me today.
In other meandering news, my new jeans from the Gap arrived today. I’m horrible at buying jeans. I always hem-haw about whether to get’em or not, if they fit me well, make my butt look good, yadda yadda yadda. Instead, I opt for several brands and styles that I’m used to. I log on, order’em up and have’em delivered. Easy said, easy done. Shirts, on the otherhand, are a whole nother story. I think I already covered the many different ways to shop.
Check back later for something profound, we’re all out today.
802’s
Ok, I sorta got my wish. I ended up riding around not in an ambulance but w/an RC. RC stands for Rescue Captain. Basically, he is a Paramedic supervsior. He was also my instructor for my EMT cert.
Nothing gruesome but my first two calls of the day were 802’s. (Dead on arrival) The first was sad as an 11 year old boy woke up to find his mother had passed away during the night. Truly impactful event for an 11 year old boy wouldn’t you say? The parents were estranged from each other so we had to stand by till the father could come onscene. The boy handled it like a trooper and his giant tomcat seemed to be a huge comfort (that was for you homer). Having already been predisposed to such tragedies on a daily basis from my current job, I was saddened but very in control. Lets face it, people die everyday. I can think of no better way to go than peacefully in your sleep in your own home.
A couple hours go by and we get another call. A typical man down/3rd party scenario. Continue reading 802’s
Finally
Mr Sandman
New 909
One of the girls from work often refers to my boyfriends as a 909. Which is the police code for “meet with a citizen.”
My ex called me late last night. I’d actually just gotten home from work. Apparently, he and his new 909 had gotten into a big fight. He needed a place to hangout and vent I guess. He proceeded to tell me the nitty gritty as to what happened. I think he often shares details w/me that in most instances would make an ex a bit uncomfortable but it’s not really an issue for me. Besides, I’m nosey. I like hearing it.
I listened and offered my heart felt advice as to how I saw it. It’s always an issue of being right w/him. Based on his side of the story, I’d assume he was in the right. Of course, this made it harder for him to see a need to move beyond getting validation for that. hehehe. So I offered an explanation that it doesn’t really matter who is right if he hopes to work it out. And let me be frank, he’d rather cut off his fraking arm than admit he is wrong about something. However, he did seem to honestly listen and our chat did calm him down. I politely pointed out some of his rather difficult traits so he could try to see both sides of the picture. Whether it worked or not is none of my business.
He remarked that he thought the blog would be busy today. Meaning I’d post about it. I feel almost obligated to mention it now. And no, he doesn’t read my blog. While I may have a healthy view of my breakup w/him, I’m not so sure he can say the same.
I did notice that I didn’t feel any pangs of jealousy or hurt. I didn’t resent him for telling me stuff about him and his new 909. I actually felt good about it. And no, not because they were fighting. No, I felt good because I had a chance to help him correct his mistakes of the past. Namely, mistakes made w/me. Knowing this only serves to validate my principles. One, it validates that I truly did love him (and still do just differently now). Two, that I’ve moved beyond the pain and hurt he caused me way back when. It took me awhile. I can be just as stubborn at times, especially when I’m in the right. The difference, I think, is I can look beyond my self-righteousness to see the bigger picture. I just hope he learns to do the same thing.
Oh, I think it also is a boon for my Karma. Sure I could have used this opportunity to wreck havoc. But that would go against all the things that I am trying so hard to emulate and become as a man. So scratch another few points in the karma index!
Insight
Wow! So many kind words. Thank you to everyone. I hope it did provide some insight. Many of the emails expressed shock that I would share such deeply personal feelings. I offer them freely w/o reservation in the hope that someone can learn from my growing pains and mistakes. The last entry was a collage of rather chaotic thoughts from a time in my life when I didn’t have any focus. I knew my life was out of control and was struggling to make sense of it. I hadn’t yet found the impetus to push me in the right direction. This only seemed to make my situation worse.
Al’s comment was particularly touching. The simple truth in his words really affected me. I forget to look at myself from the outside at times. I really am becoming the person that I’d like to date. Someone that can offer qualities that I seek in others. I guess I needed someone to point that out to me.
I often talk about my goals and where I hope to eventually be in my life but I don’t really see myself there yet. Or I guess I don’t ‘feel it’ yet. Don’t ge me wrong, I know w/o a doubt that I am kind and compassionate person. These traits are deeply embedded in my id. I also am discovering I have an innate sense of fairness. I like to see a problem from both sides. Lacking is the assurance of self that only comes from within. An assurance normally imparted as a child. However, in my case, something I’m learning as an adult. A hard task indeed. With that is the realization of character. And I am realizing that about myself. Slowly but surely, it’s sinking past the conscious to the subconscious. Hopefully, one day it will take root and become permanent. As I’m fond of saying, hope springs eternal…
Old Journals – 2.15.97
Ok, I’ve calmed down a bit and back on tract. I was all set to talk about my old journals before going off on a tangent.
This entry is particularly painful for me. The irony, even when I was losing hope I was still hopeful. How is that for confusing.
While writing this entry I was on a plane from Boulder to Texas for my vacation. I’d saved enough money to afford the plane ticket. I didn’t have a single credit card then. My boss from my previous job in TX had gotten me an interview w/his new company and I was on my way to make an impression. This was probably the only thing keeping my spirits up. I was really becoming alienated even though I had caring people all around me. I was also still waiting for Mr. Right to come along and miracuously fix my life. I hadn’t yet realized no one could fix my life but me. It’s funny, in some ways I was opening up and others I was closing myself off. I never saw that until now. I was so focused on not being happy in Boulder, I think I actually stopped giving it a chance. I had so much pain that carried over from my childhood and no matter how hard I pushed it away, it always seeped back in somehow. I wasn’t mature enough to face it and hande it. I’m amazed at times I survived at all.
Ignorant or Stupid
My dander is up today. Stupid people really work my last gay nerve.
Before I start let me explain something. There is a clear difference between ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance is the lack of knowledge. Stupidity, on the other hand, is the refusal or inability to process knowledge. In most respects they are a before and after state of being.
Ok, so my first bitch, I’m scrolling thru tribe today and I happen upon a thread about steroids. A HIV postive guy left a note saying he was interested in finding steroids to bulk up. He only mentions his HIV status in passing with his physical stats. While there were only a few comments, several were mean and one was just plain nasty. Oh but here’s the pisser! The comments were clearly based on negative ignorant perceptions. One guy assumed because the poster mentioned he was positive, he was using his status as an excuse. Even if he was, piss off! The poor man is dealing w/a terminal illness cut him some slack.
Knowing it wouldn’t do any good, I made an effort to correct said ignorance, not once but twice. I’m not for or against steroids. It’s a personal choice. And, I’ll be the first to admit I know poz guys who use their status as an excuse to bulk up legally. So what, if you fortunate enough to be healthy, count your blessings and move on. Until we have equal rights under the law in this country, I think we have bigger issues as gay men to be fighting over.
‘nuf said!
Then I’m reading bent collective’s rants about treating HIV patients in a third world country. Here we have a man who is giving up 6 months of his life to work in a true 3rd world country that doesn’t even like us. Apparently, a bitch fight breaks out over whether we should be tending to our own at home before offering his support overseas. One such person even goes so far to suggest the US is one step away from being a 3rd world country. Yes, news fans, read it again. One step away from being a 3rd world country. . . wait! what’s that noise…
*ring ring ring*
Why, it’s the clue phone! Hello! We are nowhere near close to being a 3rd world country! Making such statements takes you clearly out of the realm of ignorance and plants you firmly on the solid ground of stupidity. (note, I stopped here so I could edit out my several lines of curse words.) We have problems in this country. Yes, we do. But, our problems pale in comparison to the crisis that people face on a daily basis living in a 3rd world country. Anyone who is willing to give of themselves to help said people deserves our respect. Or at the very least, shut your pie hole and be grateful you live in a country where we have the luxury of such decisions.
I used to think I was very tolerant person. However, I’m guess I’m not. You know why? Because I have no use for stupid people anymore.