It’s here folks, I’ve hit 51 today. Parts of my body definitely feel 51 but overall I don’t feel it. I always appreciate well-wishes, kudos, etc, but if you know me you know I don’t make a fuss about it.

On the flip side, realizing I’m half a century old does feel a bit weird. So what does 51 years mean? Well, I can remember when cellphones (and pagers) didn’t exist. I can remember when one had ‘friends‘ they were people you actually knew in person. I can remember the ‘before times’ when there was no internet, social media, or “apps”. I can remember when TVs had 3 or 4 channels at most and that was depending on which frequency bands you could get on your rabbit ears. [1]And god help you if you plugged in a VCR and didn’t set the TV to channel 2 or 3. “Streaming music” meant jamming an 8-track tape in a flap that did nothing to keep out years of accumulating dust and listening for the warble of the tape drive kicking in before you turned up the speakers with an actual knob. So yeah, a lot has changed.

Shawn always finds a way to do something incredibly nice or generous for me, so I’m sure it will be lovely. Age comes to us all and most days I’m just grateful I’m still here. If you read w/any regularity you know my younger years were rough and even my initial arrival in SF was a personal struggle. Having come thru it all stronger, albeit w/more scars, I feel good. One of several reasons I started this blog was to help me discover the man I wanted to be. I felt like a blank slate in many ways and needed to find my path in life. I used to think less of myself because I had been convinced I wasn’t a particularly good or moral person. I spent many years doubting I even had a sense of morality or a moral code. Considering the state of affairs today, that irony is not lost on me. Hell, I’m practically a saint by the standards we see in our politics and leaders today. All hail the great and powerful nobody….

As I move into my 51st year, I find myself trying to keep my mind and spirit focused on the things in my life I can control vs letting myself “feel some type of way” about things I have no control over. With age comes wisdom and I’m certainly trying to apply it to myself. I don’t waste a lot of time on regrets, as it just seems pointless. “Shoulda, coulda, woulda” never makes one happier. My life has been and is what is because I never gave up on myself. That pretty sums up my thoughts on my birthday. I still miss my beloved Cooper. His anniversary is just 8 days away and it’s already in my thoughts.

Of course, aging in the gay world has its own challenges. And it isn’t really a secret many gay men struggle with the lack of physical attraction as we age. I’m not tucking, jabbing, or cutting anything to pretend I’m 20 years younger than I am. I have no problem w/physical touch-ups but I’m seeing people in their 20’s, 30’s getting botox over the tiniest of lines. I weep for them in their older years. More importantly, I earned these f**king wrinkles! Luckily, I live in an area where the average age is higher so I’m not really ‘struggling‘ much…yet. 😉

I usually giggle when I hear or see folks inferring my age should deter me from activities I enjoy. Frankly, what you think of me is really none of my business. But I won’t lie, I did have to remind myself of that a few times this past year. It is one thing to be realistic, it is quite another to let yourself be pressured into avoiding life’s pursuits because of the selfish projections of others.

Lastly, I took off from work so I get a nice 5-day weekend. We didn’t really plan any trips, courtesy of Omicron [2]that bitch! but just being off is its own reward. Here’s to another year… above ground!


1 And god help you if you plugged in a VCR and didn’t set the TV to channel 2 or 3.
2 that bitch!


Yes, you guessed it, yours truly is 42 years old today. I’m finally 42, the meaning of life, everything. [1]Bonus points if you get that. lol

I don’t have a whole lot to rant about on it. I’m 42. Ok, next? It’s no secret I don’t make a big production over my birthdays. It’s just a marker on a day just like pretty much every other day. I’ve always been ok with aging. I like who I am and being in my ‘daddy’ phase suits me nicely. hehehe

Of course, my number chart says this is supposed to be a good year for me. Lord, I sure hope so. I need a good year.

I tend to procrastinate a lot about stuff I need to get done so I’m working on doing less of that this year. I’ve got lots planned for this year too. Besides, the teethes, I wanna finish pulling myself out of the financial mess I’m. That ball is already rolling. I’m gonna try to swing a cruise with two of my besties as well. I haven’t been on a real vacation in years and am way overdo. I need to get away from it all and just enjoy myself. Said cruise depends on the finances being in better shape of course. It isn’t till November so I have some time. And knowing I need to make a deadline will help keep me motivated, hopefully.

I’m also refocusing on taking better care of myself as a whole. The gym of course is a big part of that as well. I never had the habit of pampering myself growing up so it was something I had to teach myself as an adutl. I was just getting into it prior to the last LTR and I miss it. I haven’t done a whole lot just for me in such a long time, it feels almost selfish at times now. Being broke will do that to ya. lol

The biggest change is I wake up happy again. I’ve always prided myself on how I wake up every day basically happy and in good spirits. That went away for awhile and I missed it. I’ve noticed a revival and I can’t tell you how much I missed it. I feel like a spark has come back that went dim. Of course, having a 65lb bulldog that loves and depends on me doesn’t hurt none either. I’m never sure who gets the most joy out of us being together. He never fails to make me feel loved.

That’s about it. I’m looking forward to my 42nd year. I hope it’s a good one and I continue to grow and learn about myself.



1 Bonus points if you get that. lol

Random Schmandom

I’m pulling a ‘palin’ and making up words again. lol Anyhoo, I survived the 40th birthday. Actually, it was very low key and relaxed. Apple guy and I spent a day at Golden Gate park and a nice simple dinner. I’m not big on celebrating my birthday but it was very enjoyable. Yes, I did the obligatory going out to drink with friends. That said, I enjoyed the day at the park more. [1]Of course, I haven’t been huge on bars for years.


In other news, I’ve been getting a lot of meme requests lately. Sorry to disappoint but I hate those things and rarely do them. Every now and then I find one that strikes my fancy but it is rare. I appreciate the offer but don’t be upset if I don’t.


Apple guy and I spent this weekend finishing some projects around the apt. We also spent time on repeated trips to Target and Home Depot. He is very handy and always reminds me how easy some tasks can be when one applies oneself. I’d rather just pay someone else to do it. lol Ok, that’s only half true. Work takes a lot out of me and I’ll admit I rarely feel up to doing stuff that I consider to be “chores” around the house. I always help (as if I had a choice) when he does but he obviously enjoys it. I wish I got as much excitement out of it as he does. I’m just happy he’s happy and whatever makes him happy, I’m all about. *g*  He also gets huge props for turning my bachelor bad into a very comfy home for us both. I don’t even recognize the apt from then and now.


One of Apple guy’s friends had a sick doggy last week. The doggy is up there in years. This made me think of Spike and I honestly don’t know what I’m gonna do when he starts declining. He is doing remarkably well for his 8 years but we’ve noticed little signs lately that his age is catching up with him. I’ll be honest, I am gonna freak out if/when he does gets sick. I have never in my life been so attached to an animal. I honestly don’t understand it either. lol Growing up on a farm the way I did, we were always taught that animals come and go and not to invest too much energy in something that would end up being food later. Not that we’d eat dogs but the mentality carried over from our livestock to pets. I lost several pets as a kid and I can’t ever remembering being teary-eyed. I would be sad for sure just not all blubbery.  Hell, just the idea of Spike not being around makes me tear up. Seriously, I’m warning you now. I expect cards, gifts, and visits from all of you if/when Spike reaches his golden moment.


1 Of course, I haven’t been huge on bars for years.