Category: me

Mending

At home At home recovering So, I know it has been a minute but here we are. I had the prostate procedure and it was a textbook success according to the Dr. If you missed it I had a prostate ablation [1]a fancy way of saying the cut my prostate down in size  I’m still recovering but back at work. Unexpectedly, it was an overnight stay. Apparently, they have to continuously wash the bladder  with saline for 24 hours to avoid blood build up and large clotting. This translates into having a catheter in for 5 days! Lawd, that part was not fun, at all.  Overall, the experience was as good as could be expected.  My only real complaint was the hospital bed was very uncomfortable.

I put it off for a long time because normally this type of procedure can leave lasting efffects on one’s ability to “get it up.”  I might be in my 50’s but I still use that bad boy and often. Lol  So I wasn’t a fan. Unbeknownst to me, they have a new procedure that uses water instead of a laser. The latter has virtually zero chances of ED. I discovered in the hospital while the male nurse’s aid was cleaning my groin/catheter that indeed it still worked. *evil grin*  He kept moving it around and even though the catheter was very uncomfortable it started doing it’s thing. He was clearly gay and not at all annoyed. Hehehe  I told the Dr at my follow up and he got a huge giggle out of it as well. I should mention the Dr is gay as well. He apparently liked that I was “above average” for his normal patients. Take that how you will.

I’m being slowly released back to normal functions. It’s been roughly 3 weeks now. At first, no sex, no gym, no motorcycle. Of course, I’m like, “well f*ck my  life”. Lol But I’m back in the gym doing mostly upper body and light cardio. He released me for short rides on the bike as well. It is too soon to know what my new normal is, but we’ve already confirmed I’m able to completely empty my bladder again. One problem solved. The frequent bathroom trips are still an issue but it seems because the prostrate is very sensitive. [2]Go figure. Lol  Anytime, anything moves past it in my bowel (you can fill in the blank there) I’m overcome with an immediate need to pee. This is supposed to go away as it heals. *fingers crossed* Oh, and I’ve been released to go back to shenanigans as well. Hehehe  Sadly, still very little “production” due to the surgery but now that I’m off all the meds, I’m hopeful that  should improve over time.

Overall, I’m very hopeful this will end my general issues. If only my back was as easy to fix. But hey, one day at a time, right?

References

References
↑1 a fancy way of saying the cut my prostate down in size
↑2 Go figure. Lol

Ablation

Well, in the continuing saga that is my prostate, I’m finally reaching some potential resolution. Fun topic, I know!

So, if you ain’t from around here, you’ll not know that I’ve been dealing with an enlarged prostate since COVID. [1]Unrelated to COVID itself  The problem was exacerbated because my hard-headed ass was using Afrin every night to sleep. (Apparently, Afrin is hard on your prostate.) In my defense, I couldn’t get the elective nasal surgery and I couldn’t sleep at night because my nasal passages would completely close off during sleep. It was a no win scenario so I have no regrets for my decisions. 😂

Anyway, 2023 rolls around and we find me taking various meds to alleviate symptoms. All is good but only as a stopgap moving forward. And now in the present, the meds aren’t really working much anymore and I pee every hour on the hour. Who knew I’d ever find myself missing a solid pee stream…

I haven’t really been a fan of my current urologist, but the doc doing the ablation is not only much more personable, but also gay. It was a relief to realize he understood some of my concerns without a lot of detailed discussion. So the procedure is scheduled for early June. There is a newer technique that uses water instead of a laser that is supposed to eliminate any effects on Mr Happy being able to stand at attention, so to speak. Reviewing some of the outcomes, I’m happy to have this option. I might be in my 50s but that is still an important part of life.

I was surprised to discover it does require an overnight stay in the hospital. Not a fan of that at all, but there is no way around it. My biggest disappointment is no gym (weight lifting) or motorcycle for up to 6 weeks! That is going to be tough. At least I can still go do cardio after the first couple weeks. But no motorcycle is a total bummer.

Wish me luck!

References

References
↑1 Unrelated to COVID itself

Self

I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed lately. Nothing too crazy just feeling like I have more responsibilities than free time. In reality, that’s not exactly how it is, but that’s how I feel.

My job seems to have an increasing impact in my overall quality of life. I used to shrug it off, but as I age shrugging it off doesn’t seem to work as much anymore. Considering I’ve been dealing with raw emergencies for 24 years I guess no one is immune. I’ve finally had to admit to myself I can’t just move past it anymore. I know Shawn gets frustrated with my lack of motivation at times as well. I do try more at times for him because I don’t want to be an old fuddy duddy, who does nothing. The ongoing back issues certainly haven’t helped.

The latter has been affecting my sleep more than normal and I’ve realized it’s affecting my moods. We bought a new mattress only a year or so ago, but it’s just not cutting now. We just ordered a new one and went with a traditional style vs a hybrid. We had great luck with the original Casper mattress we bought but it seems I need something firmer now. It arrives next weekend and I’m eager for it to get here.

All that aside, I’ve felt a little more like myself this past week. I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’ve been back in the gym. With everything going on I’ve had an absolute shit gym schedule. I did get back into it this week and I’m wondering if that’s why I feel better.
The stressors haven’t really gone down so it’s the only thing different.

I think as I age the gym is more important than ever for not only my physical health but my mental health as well. Lawd knows I get depressed anytime I catch up on the news. It’s just all a total shit show and half the country is applauding our demise. I just try to steer away and focus on my sphere of existence.

So if you’re struggling like me try to find the things that give you peace. Maybe it’s not the gym, maybe it’s art, music, or whatever.

Hang in there.

No Return

I’m normally an optimist but do you ever get the feeling we are headed to a point of no return as a society?  I know I speak from a place of privilege as things aren’t personally bad for me. Oh I’ve got my issues, but they pale in comparison to others who truly struggle in the world. And, I try not to let the amplification effect of social media get to me, but there are days where I feel like we’re just headed for a cliff, Thelma & Louise style.

Anti-intellectualism has become practically a way of life. The later of which I’ve been preaching about for most of my time here. It’s disheartening to see so much willful ignorance that deep down stems from greed and fear. [1]Even the fear is usually based on greed as well.

I originally felt social media would be the tech that would unite the world. Boy was I wrong there! Instead it’s turned into a tool to amplify our failings as a collective. Throw in the poison that religion [2]again based on greed has become and it’s enough to make you want to give up.

And yet, no matter how sad or down I get, it’s just not in me to give up. On that, I’ve recognized the distinction between self-preservation and abandonment of any sense of good will. Needing to protect myself doesn’t mean I have to abandon everyone else.

These days I focus on the things I can control or directly influence for the better. I no longer invest my good will into wasted discourse on social media. Don’t get it twisted, I still vote and share my opinion when necessary. Overall, I think I’m done with most social media, at least in the short term. My FB has become a ghostly placeholder and I don’t miss it at all.

These days, I try to focus on my own life, family, and friends. My job has become more of a chore but even there I still find myself doing my best because I can still control my actions. I’m counting these last few years towards retirement, but the bitterness hasn’t overtaken me completely yet.

My health has been a bit of a wild card these last few years. The prostate is out of whack. My back issues have sort of stabilized but it’s still a daily struggle to get past the discomfort and want to be active. A few other things have piled on and I’ve been taking them one at a time. I’m hoping to find a new normal later this year. (It sucks getting old. Lol)  The back issue will be a reoccurring theme from now on it seems, but I still have options.

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I find at the end of the day when I get really down or sad, I remember all the adversities I’ve overcome. I remember how good I have it compared to so so many and how much more I can do for myself and others.

So while I may be in a collective hand basket headed to hell, Im still trying to make it an interesting ride!

Hope springs eternal….

References

References
↑1 Even the fear is usually based on greed as well
↑2 again based on greed

Home

We’re home from the honeymoon and sadly back to reality. I didn’t think much of all the negative drama in our country while away, but it all came crashing back today while catching up on the news. (I’m feeling chatty today)

Shawn & Myself

Anyway, Puerto Vallarta (PV) was both fun and relaxing. We had a bit of a learning curve as we weren’t overly familiar with where to go or what to do. We landed with plenty of recommendations, so it was mostly deciding which to do and when. Apparently, we went the weekend after a big bear event (no, not that one) and the weekend before spring break hit. Not to say it wasn’t busy, just our timing was off. 😂

The last two times I’ve been were both via boat, which were fun but a lot less planning and logistics are involved. We had a great time with beaches, boats, pool parties, food, boys, etc and not always in that order. We’ve already decided to go back for the infamous Beef Dip next year. [1]Shawn’s been bugging me to go for a couple years now, but I had the destinations confused and thought it was in Sitges.  Next time we’ll have better first hand knowledge for smoother scheduling. Nothing bad happened at all, we just inadvertently missed some things we would have done because we went on the wrong days/nights. Overall, it was a great trip. We both felt we stayed just long enough. And we were both eager to be home with our beloved Daisy. She was in good hands but would not leave our side at all last night. She clearly missed us as much as we missed her. How precious is that face, I ask you? 🤣

Daisy Mae

Our friends kept texting how wonderfully behaved she was the whole time. We were beginning to think they had the wrong dog. J/k For all our bluster, she is pretty well behaved. If it is possible, she cuddled even harder than usual last night.

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I didn’t think I’d feel different after we got married, but I do. [2]See what I did there?… It doesn’t necessarily feel more real, but I feel closer to him now. It could be the indirect psychological conditioning of the idea of “marriage” in Western culture, but I’m running with it. It still feels a bit surreal though. I never dreamed of actually getting married. I grew up knowing I was considered a second class citizen so getting to say those words carried more emotions than I thought.

At the end of the day, I still only want for his happiness. I couldn’t imagine my life without him now to be honest, but being happy should be first in anyone’s life. Forgetting for a moment he’s been with me for 12 years, I just enjoy being with him. Even when we argue, which is rare, I do so knowing I still love him. I’m fond of saying, “he puts up with me”and he says, “I put up with his nagging”.  I just see two people walking thru life together; who are both imperfect but willing to be so with each other.

For you few long time readers here, you’ll remember I don’t cater to fairytale ideas of love. Frankly, I’d never want to force that role on anyone. If Shawn and I spend the rest of our lives together, I will be grateful that we were compatible and loving each other. But if we ever do separate for whatever reason, I’d still only want for his happiness. That to me is the idea of true love.

So here I sit with most of my life’s goals accomplished. I can and do ask more of my life, but to say I am grateful would be an understatement. Looking back over the pain, the anguish, the struggles, and the sheer tenacity of my life, I am truly humbled to be this happy. I wish nothing but the same for anyone reading this.

References

References
↑1 Shawn’s been bugging me to go for a couple years now, but I had the destinations confused and thought it was in Sitges.
↑2 See what I did there?…

Married

Well, after 12 years together and 11 as domestic partners, we finally tied the knot yesterday! It was a wonderful day.

My only regret is the two besties from Texas couldn’t be with us. Shawn’s two besties came up from LA to attend and are house-sitting princess Daisy while we are on our honeymoon.

While it started as a formality to finalize what we had already decided, we both ended up really looking forward to it! Neither of us are pretentious or super fussy. We wanted it to be simple, short, and as stress free as possible. There ended up being no delays or any problems at all. It was a wonderful day. Of course, I cried. I’m old enough that marriage was never something I even dreamed of when I was younger. Being in my own wedding, even at this age, left me a bit vulnerable and overcome with a variety of emotions.

Having decided “last minute” in terms of normal wedding planning, things just fell together pretty easily. We could not get it officiated at City Hall due to timing, but we were able to find a mutual friend who volunteered to officiate it for us. Even more last minute we found another friend who is a photographer, that graciously rescheduled his day to fit us in. [1]So yes, more official photos coming soon.. I was honestly a little terrified things would go horribly wrong for any number of unknown reasons, but it didn’t.

After the ceremony, we opted for a nice reception lunch at the Rotunda here in SF. [2]Read “fancy” lol  Again, without even planning it we ran into a friend working there who went out of his way to make our lunch as enjoyable as possible. It truly was a fantastic day.

The only thing we didn’t get done were the rings. We have a set that was meant to be our engagement rings and they are becoming a part of the new rings. We couldn’t get them done in time, but it’s on the list as soon as we get back. We used the existing set for the ceremony, but we are both eager for the new nicer set.

Now we are off to Puerta Vallarta for our official honeymoon. We never actually took one the first time so we splurged a bit on accommodations. We’ve actually not traveled much since COVID, so we are excited to get away together.

Y’all, I’m still a bit gobsmacked that I’m actually married. But I’m happy, so I guess that’s the point!

Hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 So yes, more official photos coming soon.
↑2 Read “fancy” lol

54

Well….As of yesterday, I’m 54 years old. With all the drama surrounding the inauguration, I just didn’t feel like posting anything. I managed to avoid the bulk of the news until today. And the onslaught regarding the Orange one along with the N*zi Musk was still shocking. [1]Yeah, you saw what you saw. We all did 

My birthday itself was enjoyable. I took off a long weekend from work, which is a gift in itself. hehehe  Shawn always does nice things for me. I got a few lovely gifts and had a very nice dinner out. We spent the day together just being chill. He always makes it memorable.

The day did start out a bit rough. Miss Daisy slammed into the hallway stairwell a couple weeks back and injured herself. We had to take her for a follow up with the specialist bright and early yesterday. Thankfully, the specialist took a good look at her and declared she did not need x-rays and does not believe she tore her ACL. It was most likely a sprain/bruise and/or a combination of age, arthritis, and the mild injury combined. We could not have left with better news. And while a specialist isn’t cheap, we were happy to have her properly evaluated and even happier she is ok. She hasn’t been limping since the night of the injury, but she’s also been on meds. She’s off the meds now and still bouncing around like nothing happened.

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I have all but abandoned FB, but I checked in because I knew so many would send well wishes and I didn’t want to be rude. I’m always so flattered that so many people take the time. Beyond that, you shouldn’t really expect to see me much on FB and definitely not on twitter. The latter is nothing but a cesspool of hatred now.

I try not to get upset over things I can’t control, but it is a struggle. The next 4 years are going to be hard for a lot of us. Know that contrary to some of the public commentary, your value is not diminished due to ignorance, hatred, and bias. We certainly will not be silent, and we are not going away.

So, here’s to an interesting year ahead.

References

References
↑1 Yeah, you saw what you saw. We all did

HNY

Well, it’s 2025.

Y’all know I don’t really celebrate it, courtesy of 2 decades of work related trauma. It should come as no surprise, I took the day off. Hehehe

Shawn is under the weather so we stayed at home. We had planned to attend an early party, but no biggie. It’s kind of a made up holiday. I’m normally pretty optimistic but considering what’s ahead, I’m not feeling overly joyous. It’s certainly going to be dramatic, that’s for sure.

I think my only new year’s resolution is to take more photos. I’m terrible at capturing my life on camera. Not that anyone else cares, but I’m not a spring chicken anymore.

That’s all I can muster at the moment. It probably sounds a bit depressing. I’m not trying to be, I just tend to be realistic.

That said, Im wishing the best for you and yours this next year!

Hope springs eternal…

Back, Back, and Back

Returning to more mundane posts, here is a selfie. I’m back at the gym at least on a somewhat consistent schedule. Not as often as I’d like, but still.

Back selfie

My back is looking better even if I’m still struggling daily with discomfort and managing it. It’s not like before where I’m one step away from a muscle spasm. There is joy in that; however, it’s still disruptive, some days more than others. It’s hell getting old. 😂

If you’ve forgotten, I have cartilage deterioration on two of my lower back vertebrae, this causes compression and grinding when I move. Ironically, I seem to struggle now more at night when I sleep. Before the last procedure, it was always movement that seemed to activate my pain. I’m a side sleeper and almost any position on my side finds me waking up very sore. [1]I already sleep with a pillow between my legs  I’m getting the sense it has more to do with compression vs muscle irritation though. Most days I find if I lay flat on my back or flat with my head elevated for about 30 to 60 minutes I return to a functional level of normalcy. I could never do that before the procedure. Sometimes, I get lucky enough afterwards to feel no real discomfort…. sometimes.

I do physical therapy stretches and exercises often and I’ve incorporated stretches specifically meant to offset spinal compression. They do work. Or at least until I go to sleep again . Then I start all over the next day. Some nights are better than others but I never seem to know what will set it off.

Needless to say, it makes for a difficult schedule to work out the muscles to support the back. This pic was a good day.

References

References
↑1 I already sleep with a pillow between my legs