me Archives - Moby Files: Blog

Ghosts of the Past

I haven’t talked about my “issues” here in a long time. Truth is, I haven’t felt bothered by them so there wasn’t a need.

Today, I’ve been overwhelmed with memories of my past. I can’t say anything triggered it. Maybe it’s just ‘my time of the month.’ I’m not depressed by the memories, even though most of them aren’t great. I just can’t seem to shake the progression. One memory will trigger another and down a rabbit hole of deep thought I go…

Anyhoo, it’s been mostly about my step-mother, her family, and my angst at them for never intervening when they saw my step-mother abuse me. I know they recognized it because I would sometimes overhear the adults (her siblings) asking my step-mother, “why are so mean to that boy?” My cousins would just ask me directly. Or they would discuss it amongst themselves in front of me. For many years growing up I worshipped and hated them at the same time. When my family from her side visited, I got a reprieve from the mental torment. It meant things would be more bearable, even if it was just a long weekend. Of course, when they left, I suffered even more for my apparent ‘slights’ while they had been visiting. It was in those moments I hated them most.

When I left home none of them made much effort to stay in touch. To be fair, neither did I. They represented a connection to “her” that was to be avoided. It wasn’t like I was overly stable anyway and there was no cell phones, texting, or even internet. But I didn’t understand that then. It’s only been in the last few years I’ve slowly opened a window to them on Facebook. Being an adult now, my view of them has been complicated. At first, I was resentful more of them didn’t reach out to me. But, I realized that wasn’t fair either. Their lives diverged from mine and I was a distant memory. They had as much reason to reach out to me as I did to them. And it wasn’t like I made a lot of effort either. I kept them at arms length. A small handful made an effort to at least reconnect and “know” me a bit. I’m grateful for that. Our lives are so distant and different so that is pretty much where it ends. We keep a cursory connection at best.

And as expected, many of them tend to be Trump supporters. This isn’t much of a surprise. I only mention it because I routinely chime in when I see them sharing absolute made up stories that reinforce their biases. Reconciling my childhood view of them with my adult exposure has been easier than expected. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. lol

Anyway, I don’t have any wisdom to share. I’m just putting thoughts to pad to help me drag the triggers and emotions out into my conscience id so I can examine them properly. I’ll post more if I figure anything of value out.

What Do You Say?

I was having a discussion with a coworker the other day and we got to talking politics. We were specifically discussing some of the underlying dynamics that often lead people to believe into crazy conspiracy theories. Mostly, we talked about how people often reason based on emotion not logic.

I used an example of my little brother. Not because my brother is a crazy extremist, just the opposite. The story perfectly illustrates how even well-meaning people end up on the wrong side of things at times. So the real question is how, in an age of sensationalized media, truly fake news, and bias, do we encourage every day folks to move beyond their base feelings and examine a solution with logic? How do we get people to realize what they “know” is often based on very limited exposure to the world at large?¹

Let me get to my example. My little brother grew up not really “seeing” racism. To him, it is something he knows exists but in more pronounced examples. For lack of a better description, he sees it as a very black and white issue. I tried to explain white privilege to him and found it a frustrating struggle. As a white man he has never had to experience the frustrations a person of color endures daily. Because he grew up poor and busted his tail working hard to get to a point where he feels stable, he doesn’t understand how a black person doing the same thing faces many more obstacles. I explained many of the very real world examples to him and while he sort of ‘got it’, because he lives in a rural environment where these ideas are usually avoided, it doesn’t become ‘truth’ to him.

It is hard for people who spend everyday just worried about trying to put food on their table to rise above the squabble and focus on bigger issues like politics. And when they live in an environment where biases are constantly reinforced, it’s easy to see why so many fall prey to the machinations of political hacks who want them to stay poor and ignorant. People who are poorly educated as a whole are easily manipulated by their emotions. Quite simply, their emotions are used against them.

And this is one variable of many leading society towards a calamity. So how do we overcome that? What do you say to someone to get them to truly open their mind and listen? If we could figure that out I think the world would be a better place.

How many “experts” do you encounter on Facebook or twitter these days LOL [↩]

D2

I’m still playing Destiny 2. I keep threatening to give it up as they really botched this game disc by getting greedy. It seems common sense (or the expanding community backlash) has prevailed to a degree and they are bringing back some of the core functions in the upcoming DLC (DownLoadable Content)) they left out from disc 1. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame Bungie for trying to squeeze dollars out of the game but they went way overboard and people in general were pissed. Daily users dropped dramatically and haven’t really picked back up anywhere near the levels they were in D1.

This week, they released a sort of free mini to everyone that has me scratching my head as well. If you’ve never played, the game is setup so they can randomly add special challenges based on holidays, special occasions or the like. They usually run several months. This one only runs from this week until roughly the end of August. (The new DLC drops September 4th.) This by itself wouldn’t be a problem except the challenges require a lot of grinding (like a lot). So much so, I probably won’t even bother. If I’m lucky, I can squeeze in about 6-8 hours a week, including weekends. It seems counter productive to release a new series of challenges to complete for gear to raise your light level that you’ll never see because you won’t have time to finish even half of them. That or they’ll be obsolete when the new DLC hits as your maximum light levels will go up again. (Light level is basically how strong your player is. The higher the light level, the stronger the player)

I had planned to skip the new DLC a few months ago. This would have pretty much meant the end of the game for me. My interest in the game has drifted off and I barely complete the weekly goals as it is. However, the new DLC got rave reviews, even from some of the harshest critics, and after reading up on it, I buckled and pre-ordered it. We’ll see how it goes. I’m cautiously optimistic. There are so many little things I miss about the mechanics from D1, I’m hoping it revives my love for the game. If not, I’ve got a shit ton of games in my queue to get to. I’m also currently working on Far Cry 5, Fallout 4, and replaying Destroy all Humans.¹ A bitch has things to do so Bungie better get their act together. heehee

Corny old school PS3 game ported to PS4 recently. [↩]

GHHD #1 2018

Well, GHHD #1¹ is upon us once again. It is Pride weekend. The gym has begun filling up daily with out-of-town’rs. *giggle* I’m sure by Friday it will be overflowing. (pun intended)

However, you celebrate it, I hope you have a fun and safe one. For myself, I volunteered to work overtime again this year onsite at the event. I’ll be working with AMR ambulance services who are the medical component for the Pride permit.² I’ve worked with them for many years at different events and they are always a pleasure to work with. Ironically, after the Pulse shootings, the Pride committee put in metal detectors and this has cut way down on all the illegal booze being brought in by kids.

As always, there are those among us who complain about all that is wrong with Pride. We know gurl, you hate it. Next! This year, it’s over the idea of adding a few extra colors to the rainbow flag. For a community that is supposed to be all about accepting others, we sure do have some rigid ideas when it comes to symbolism. If you don’t like it, use the one you like. Stop bemoaning attempts to make other marginalized communities feel included under our umbrella. I personally am not defined by the rainbow flag or any other symbol. I enjoy the symbols and support them but there isn’t any reason a symbol can’t change or evolve over time to better represent it’s purpose.

I still support Pride as an event. While we have gained a measure of equality since the legalization of gay-marriage, anti-LGBT crimes have sky-rocketed since the current POTUS took office. There is clearly still a need to show our solidarity, especially for our Trans brethren. Frankly, I feel we have an obligation to help pull those behind us still facing daily discrimination in their lives to the front of the line.

So while I am working my booty off to help keep everyone same, I am with you in mind and spirit. Let your freak (or not) flag fly! Whether you wanna look like a Warner-bros cartoon character or an average Joe, get out and celebrate. Maybe you can volunteer at a shelter, food back, or AIDS org as a way of celebrating. It doesn’t have to be prancing down the street or standing on the sidelines. Do you and support those doing them.

Gay High Holy Day [↩]
Large permitted events require a medical plan to help off-set the need for emergency services. This assures a modicum of care and prevents overwhelming the normal emergency system. [↩]

Daddy Issues

I know, I haven’t posted in forever. I’ve gotten several strongly worded emails reminding me of this fact. Never fear, I is here.

So, I discussed my age and aging in general a while back. (It’s been like forever, I know) I thought I’d share a different perspective since a few folks thought I was getting all negative comments about my age. That wasn’t my intent at all. It is just the opposite actually. I’ve apparently reached full daddy status. Or at least, a lot of the comments I get online indicate as much. hehehe I don’t live for labels, but I don’t mind it at all.

The downside, unfortunately, is I’m not really into younger guys. And by ‘younger, I’m referring to being old enough to be your actual father. If you’re under 30 I usually feel like a dirty old man trying to paw at you. The irony in that is I used to live for guys in their 40’s when I was barely out of my teens. I’d get the vapors just thinking about it.¹ I had zero hangups about the age difference when I was in my early 20’s. And I don’t really have any hangups about it now, I just don’t find myself attracted to guys with overly boyish looks.

Of course, now that “I’m” the older guy, I almost feel obligated to return the favor. lol I’m sure plenty of guys would kill for the attention but it doesn’t really do much for me. I do keep a positive perspective on it as someday there won’t be much attention at all. We hate to admit it, but age (specifically how we look) does matter to our attractions. So I take it in stride and am appreciative.

From my own perspective, I don’t mind the label, even though we often put way too much emphasis on labels in our community. Ask 10 guys what the term “daddy” means and you’ll get 10 different answers. As for my own attractions, my range hasn’t changed much. Shawn is 10 years my junior, but being in his late 30’s, he is clearly well within my range. And to be fair, there are the random exceptions. Overall, I still find myself into guys in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s.

One thing I am noticing is there are fewer guys my age that work-out. I definitely notice the age difference in the gym, even here in SF where the median gay age is in the late 30’s. They aren’t non-existent, just a smaller part of the crowd now. And as I approach my 50’s, I still don’t mind my age. I like the wisdom that has come with my life experience. My only worry for the future is my libido. I’m 47 and I still have the same libido I did when I was 27. I don’t wanna be one of those old dudes leering at guys in the showers (or where ever). lolol But hey, for someone who never thought he’d see 50, that is not a bad worry to have.

Hope springs eternal. . .

I think in hindsight it had a lot more to do with a lacking father figure in my life and a burgeoning sexuality….I know, someone call Dr Phil! [↩]

Swamped

I know, I know…It’s been like forever since I updated. I am a very busy person.¹ Lawd baby jeebus, the last few weeks have been hella busy. Work was off the charts for a couple weeks there. Then I was out for a few days as well.

I came into work today, polished off the mornings workload and then sat around a bit gobsmacked that I wasn’t behind. The next batch promptly showed up and erased all that but still… Yes, I’m still fighting my morning schedule. Ugh!

In other news, I’ve been hitting the gym pretty hard lately. I’m a whopping 218! With the exception of a chunky phase a few years back, this is the heaviest I’ve ever been. Most of it is the good kind of weight, albeit muscle! Yay! lolol I was determined not to break my motivation streak so even when work was just messy I still made it a priority to keep to my gym schedule. I’m happy to say my arms and chest are looking ‘tight’! heehee My poor legs are still looking boney as hell though. I’ve neglected them for so long and talked about working them out for so long as well. I’ve finally been putting my money where my mouth is but they are still behind the rest of me. I actually see it now so I’ m all about bringing them back into balance.

I’m finishing up this week on a bulking routine. I switch over to trying to lean up a bit next week. This means I have to actually start eating better. I don’t eat a lot of fast food but I tend to eat a lot of rich foods. This isn’t helping my waist line. heehee I’ve already been weening myself off the rich foods. I don’t honestly think I will struggle too much. My biggest challenge is keeping the food I need to be eating in the apt. Between Amazon Fresh and Instacart, hopefully I will maintain. Wish me luck!

Cooper & Shawn — My two favorite fellas!

Cooper was feeling good this past weekend so we got out for a lovely walk. Just around the hood but still. He’ll be 8 this next month and while he is still energetic, he just doesn’t endure the walks like he used to. I remember Spike at this point would barely walk 2 blocks to the park and back. hehehe He was such a rascal. Cooper is much more energetic than that so I’m still liking where he is health wise.

My sister from another Mister is coming to visit in late May. I miss that old heifer so it will be great to catch up. The only thing I truly miss from back home are my two besties dirty snatches. I need to contrive a way to get them both up to Cali.

Right after that, we are off to Disney World. We are treating ourselves to flying first class. Trust me when I tell ya we can’t afford first class all the time. This is a rare treat and I’m actually looking forward to it. The few times I’ve flown first class were free upgrades from friends in the business. Of course, we are going for Gay Day’s. I’m saving up my liver for the round-the-world drinking binge at Epcot on Sunday. hehehe

Ugh, duty calls. A new batch of work just arrived to keep me busy for the rest of the day.

Said in a very affected nasally voice. lol [↩]

Boring

I wish I could say my life has been extremely busy lately, which would account for my lack of blogging. Nope. Just the usual boring stuff. Daily life revolves around work, dog, gym, video games, sleep, and repeat. Exciting huh?

Let me delve into the excitement further since you are just dying to know more, right? lol¹ Work is work. I STILL struggle with my schedule. I have just resigned myself to it though, even though I hate it. I hate working 10 hour days. I usually waste the 3rd day off as Shawn works. I often nap and video game the day away. Beyond that, I stay pretty busy at work so there is often no dead spots to blog. We are still incredibly short staffed. Our director has been hiring out the wazoo, but it’s only staved off attrition so far. I am confident the new staffing will make a dent eventually. Beyond that, same sh#t, different day. I joined a 2nd committee with the Union I belong to. Lawd, what was I thinking? Drama to the max.

Dog. Cooper is fine for the most part. He is getting older now. He’ll be 8 in May which is old age for bullies. He had some scares this past year but has been fine since then. I’ve had him on a diet and he is down to a slim 57 lbs. heehee The goal is to hit 55. He hasn’t had any limps or unusual flare ups with discomfort so hopefully, the drop in weight is helping. He has developed this lovely groaning noise out of the blue. When he stretches, hops up quickly, or rolls around too much he’ll let out a sort of audible groan. It isn’t something he consciously does. It’s kinda cute. If I hadn’t just had him tested for cancer a few months ago I’d be freaked out. I just chalk it up to his ever lovely personality. He doesn’t like to do walks as much as he used to. I make up for by taking him for a ride in a zipcar anytime I have to run errands. He loves it.

Gym. Gym is progressing nicely. I’m back in the swing of things and have been for a while now. I’m liking the new routine I designed for myself. It works with my longer work schedule, even though I still end up rebelling when it comes to bedtime some nights. I’ve put on a few lbs of muscle² and lost a few lbs of fat. I’m almost to the peak range I like to be in. I don’t kill myself dieting, which is why the fat loss is going slow. I happy overall with where I am so I don’t feel compelled to put myself on a super strict regimen. I am trying to cut back on eating out as much. Some weeks I succeed, others I fail miserably. I’m still a bit heavier than I want to be so I continue to trim away at it. My belly is the biggest area needing work. I miss the days when my ass got fat. It all goes to my belly now.

Video Games. I’ve almost completely lost interest in Destiny 2. It has been a let-down of sorts. It doesn’t hold my attention like disc 1 did. It’s hard to explain. It isn’t one big thing but many smaller things that just make it less fun. I picked up Metal Gear Solid: Phantom Pain. I played the short version they originally released it it was ok. This one is a solid game, albeit an oddly chaotic and confusing story line. Since the game has bounce around on Nintendo, Sony, and now Xbox, you would probably be in the minority if you knew the entire story-line. I finished the campaign and have been going back thru leveling up thru side missions and extra hard main missions. I’ve been at it for months now so I’m slowly wearing out on it. I discovered last month they finally ported one of my all time favorite games to the XOne, The Darkness II. Sadly, no port of game one. However, even with the old cheesy graphics its been fun playing again. The story is simplistic enough but it manages to pull you in and you get hooked. I still enjoy playing it. I have a few new game sin the queue that need some attention. I expect to get to them shortly.

Shawn is still loving his new job. He is settling into a routine and has yet to come home upset over anything. It’s been nice. hehehe

So you see, I’ve been very busy not being busy.

I have several readers who live afar who yell at me when I go too long without blogging. [↩]
sadly, it’s just gaining back what I lost before but I’ll take it [↩]

Selective

In the theme of my previous “Bias” rant, I’m been making some changes to my social media accounts. I’m becoming much more selective about who I follow. It doesn’t have to be rocket science but I ask myself, am I really going to follow or care about this person’s ramblings? It doens’t have to mean they are any more/less important than my own.

On FB, rather than unfriending folks and causing a whole new level of butt-hurt drama, I’ve started unfollowing many ‘friends’. Wow, what a difference it has made. The toxicity level has dropped significantly AND I really do pay attention to what the folks I do follow are saying. Who knew, right?! lol

On twitter, I embraced ‘lists’. Now I move right into my lists vs my regular feed. I absolutely loathe the ‘friends liked this’ posts. Not that I use twitter much anymore anyway. What started as my favorite social media tool has turned into advertising engine. It doesn’t much feel social at all anymore.

My poor Google+ app I mostly just ignore. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am Plus did not take off. I blame it for being too simple. People didn’t understand the more subtle nuances of leaving private comments vs public. It felt featureless for many people. It has also become an sp#m engine for p0rn.

I’m sad to say it but IG is my go-to social account these days. What a sad world when a picture book app is your primary social account? I enjoy IG for gym motivation. I try to follow regular guys that aren’t professional (or wanna be) bodybuilders. I prefer to follow guys like myself that struggle or focus on getting to the gym and staying fit.¹ I also get a pure kick out of the seriousness some people invest in their IG shots. The level of obsession is staggering sometimes but oddly addictive to watch.² Several blog readers have asked me why I don’t have more followers? I’d assume the same reason I don’t have a ton of comments on my blog. I don’t cultivate a “follow” crowd. If you follow me, it is because you are genuinely interested in moi, not because I post p0rn, glamour shots, and/or daily ‘inspirational quotes’ to cover up one’s own narssicism. *giggle* While I do love selfies from time to time, they aren’t my life and I rarely spend more than a few seconds ‘posing’ for one.

Snapchat is an utter disaster and I barely even open the app. The newest update is just another glaringly ad-in-your-face view. No thanks.

So far I’ve noticed a significant difference in how I view and respond to my social accounts. I find myself a little more engaging and willing to interact. I actually open FB more than once a day now. One could say it’s quality over quantity but that would be crazy, right!?

I would TOTALLY be lying if I said a few hotties, just because, haven’t snuck into my feed! [↩]
Another sad testament to our times. [↩]

Loss

A retired coworker passed away this week. We found out yesterday. She gave 52 years of her life to public service. You read that right, 52 years!

She was an icon of sorts. You either liked her or hated her.There was usually no in between. I sill can’t get over how long she worked. Fifty two years! I’m just in awe of that. She started 5 years before I was born. I can barely imagine working the 30 I need to retire at full benfit.

She could be a pain in the ass a times as she was a bit of a micro-manager. That said, she was also a kind caring person. She would give you the shirt of her back if she thought you needed it. So while she would drive many of us nuts at times, we still liked her. I adored her. And while I would join in at times poking fun at her, I did so in the spirit of affection. Honestly, after 52 years of service she could do whatever the hell she wanted IMO. lol

I never told many people this but she gave me the down payment for my first motorcycle. I’d been with the dept barely two years at the time. She had overheard me talking to a classmate that I was struggling to come up with the money needed.¹ I discovered a check tucked into my laptop bag later that night with a note telling me not to rush to pay her back. I had already bought the bike but had stretched myself beyond the breaking point. The purchase was an impulse buy. And while I didn’t regret it, her offer saved me from a very unpleasant conversation with my landlord at the time. I busted my hump working overtime to make sure I paid her back in just a few months. I never forgot her generousity.

We didn’t always get along so well. But we always seemed to get passed any hard feelings. Knowing her the way I did, I just couldn’t bring myself to hate her when she drove me crazy at work. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise I took her death a little hard. I was a bit surprised at how upset I got. She had not been in the best health lately so we all sort of knew it was on the horizon eventually. I guess when you think of someone as an institution unto themselves it is easy to over look their mortality.

Judy, you will not be forgotten. You made your mark on us and it won’t soon fade.

My credit wasn’t the greatest back then and we made a lot less in salary. [↩]

Smashed

Because I know you’re just way excited about my day to day antics… I smashed the hell out of my thumb about a month ago. It was one of the worst I’ve ever inflicted upon myself. As you can see from the picture, it didn’t end well. lol

I was rushing to a Union meeting and while getting out of the Lyft, I caught it in the door

as it closed. Tangent / I found out once a driver gave me 4 stars because he said I slammed his car door. Now, I’m always freaky cautious about it. /tangent. Anyhoo, I tried to catch the door mid-close and naturally my thumb caught the fall-out.

It was all swollen and bruised for about a week. The first few days were agonizing. By day 4, the pain had settled into a dull throb. Ice and heat combos helped a little but I had to resort to hydrocodone a few times. Yeah, it hurt that bad!

As soon as the swelling went down, I peeled off most of the old nail. There was one tiny piece still alive. It’s hanging on for dear life. lol It will get pushed off pretty soon though. The new nail is coming in strong! hehehe

I’m told I have a high threshold for pain usually. I whined like a little boy for a couple days, I don’t mind telling you. On a side note, I am totes sure I looked super hot and totes masc sitting in an political endorsement meeting with my thumb shoved in a glass of ice the whole time.

So now you know, folks. My exciting world of a damaged thumb.