Double Ugh!

I’m pulling a 16 hour shift today. Two 4 hour sessions w/the first starting promptly at 7:00am and then my regular 8 hour shift. I am beat! The first to teach the incoming academy class and the second for my CPR recertification.

I didn’t really plan it that way. I signed up back when I still had Fridays off. It didn’t really hit me that I was working 16 full hours until I got to work this morning. Technically, I’m not allowed to work more than 12 but since I’m spanning several shifts, no one noticed. *g*

I’m still icky but not coughing quite as much today. I’m hoping I’m back on the mend. I’m sure my long hours today aren’t helping at all. I hate Hate HATE being sick. Can you say CRANKY!?

Hear No Evil

Hmmmm. Me thinks someone needs a timeout.

(story
“Looks like it’s anal sex week,” Lou Novak loudly remarked as a group from the Life Long AIDS Alliance walked though the state House office building.
The group included a 13-year-old girl and a 16-year-old boy. The boy’s family had recently been forced to move because of anti-gay prejudice in his neighborhood.
Novak is first vice president of the Rental Housing Association of Puget Sound, a landlords’ organization.
The leader of the AIDS awareness group, Suzie Saxton of Yakima, followed the man into the public Capitol cafeteria and asked him what he’d said. She said Novak repeated his comment and told her people shouldn’t engage in irresponsible sex and ask for public money.

Now had this been the reverse, every christian group in the nation would call for a ban on any sort of “unapproved” visits.

Am I Popular?

Ok, so trying to pull myself out of the funk I’m in, I’ve been trying to be a bit proactive and get my act together. *stand back folks, this might be dangerous*

I’ve been whining for months now about folding my blog into my domain. Well, I moved it but am still doing updates thru blogger.com. Today, I decided to bite the bullet and upgrade my hosting package so I can utilize WordPress. While doing so, I checked my site stats and got a big surprise. There are a lot more people linking to me than I thought. I try to nab’em all thru Technorian but apparently I ain’t even close. I found 60 unique links from other blogs and search engines in just the past 5 days. I have no idea if that means I’m popular or not but it made for a good headline don’t ya think?

I’m new to WordPress so if the blog goes bonkers over the coming days fear not, its just me tinkering w/stuff. I plan on making a backup just in case I really screw it up good. The template will be changing as well. I really like this one but it doesn’t utilize enough of the page to squeeze in side bars. I haven’t found a new one yet so any references are appreciated.

I’d also love some feedback on blacklists that work w/wordpress for blocking sp@mmers. Blogger does a fine job keeping them at bay but when I’m on my own that will be another story altogether. I’d love one that allows me to approve posts from other bloggers and remembers them the next time so I don’t have to continually approve them over and over.

Any suggestions?

Ugh! / Ramlings

I’m miserable sick today. I probably shouldn’t have come in to work but I’m here now. I’m in fire training and they have a particularly snotty supervisor on the overlapping day shift. She got her fill of me today after she incorrectly gave me a brief nasal toned speech on an error she thought I committed. I think it surprised her as I am usually very polite and jovial. She’ll think twice before she uses that tone w/me next time though. [1]I say that now, I’m sure she’ll whine to one my sup’s who will have a “talk” w/me. . . whatever

I got a follow up from the clan today. The funeral went over well and no one made an ass of themselves. That was a total surprise. However, Aunt Holy-Roller did make the funeral after all. She was ganghawled by the whole family for her attitude and pissy remarks in the email to my brother. Apparently, word got out she was playing goody two shoes and they weren’t having it. I’m led to believe she burst into tears at the wake after the umpteenth family member gave her an ear full. Gave me a nice warm fuzzy feeling.

So, I’m left w/my sorrow and anger right now. I’m super cranky today but managing to hang in there.

A super huge THANK YOU to everyone who sent their thoughts, prayers, and kind words about my father. I am forever grateful for it. Being someone who has never had any close family ties I’m sincerely touched by the support of strangers and friends alike.

References

References
↑1 I say that now, I’m sure she’ll whine to one my sup’s who will have a “talk” w/me. . . whatever

Ok now, More About Me

I’ve done my topical bit for a while. Your welcome. Now back to me. . .

So I’ve been playing hookie from work. I just need a break w/the death of my father. Granted, I didn’t go back for the funeral but I still need some time damn it. (Shhh! don’t tell.)

Yesterday is sort of a blur. I got up very late, still feeling icky so no gym time again. Going on two weeks now and I hate it. So anyway, got up late, fed the pie hole, watched a movie fed the pie hole some more, and then played the 2nd installment of Jak and Daxter until midnight. That about sums it up. I don’t think I made one conscious decision the whole day.

Today, I thought since I was such a barnacle yesterday, I’d be a bit more productive. My drivers license expired back in January on my birthday. (There I go w/that little extra tidbit of info again) I decided to make the pilgrimage to the DMV and get it renewed. To my surprise there wasn’t much of a line. Shame on me for thinking I’d get out early. I was randomly picked to take a short written test to finish my renewal. @#$%! – *think soothing thoughts*

No problem, I can handle this. Thirty minutes later, I pass and am back in line awaiting my renewal. I’m the one person that doesn’t print out right. Course, this means the clerk has to write a hard copy renewal. And wouldn’t ya know it, he didn’t know how. Groan, bitch, whine, complain and 30 more minutes later I’m finally out of there, renewal in hand. Being a civil servant myself, I know how the bureaucracy can drain the life out of you so I can’t fault the poor souls stuck in that hell hole day in and day out.

So now, I’m back in Daddybucks [1]Starbucks in the Castro just hanging out. The end of a not so busy day and the only goal left is laundry before tomorrow. Wish me luck.

References

References
↑1 Starbucks in the Castro

Painful Reminder

I’m killing two birds w/one rant today. I’m trying to distract myself from my life and be more a “topical blogger” today. Taken straight from Towleroad comes today’s idiocracy. [1]yes, I know it is a made-up word.

(Story) A group of delinquents decides to go out for a wholesome day of fag bashing. They beat up a couple of fags and then get arrested. I’d blame the parents but that wouldn’t do any good. I’m sure by now they absolved themselves of any moral responsibilities by claiming the ‘fags’ were asking for it. Meanwhile, the main culprit tries to turn into a ‘gay panic’ defense. How 80’s can you get? Forgetting for a moment, there was no mention of the victims approaching the suspects at anytime. But hey, who needs facts right? Tish! Tosh!

Wait! I think I’m channeling Miss Cleo. . .I’m having a vision. . . Boys beat up fags, boys get arrested sent to jail, news station does a biased interview and edits out all of the real facts for the their own more wholesome version, public is outraged. Film at Eleven. Oh wait, nevermind. That’s already happened. Maybe I’m channeling Martha from prison. Oh well, so much for my psychic abilities.

References

References
↑1 yes, I know it is a made-up word.

I See Ignunt People

**I tell ya sometimes the truth is far funnier than fiction ever could be. I don’t think I could make up stuff this good if I tried. **

I’m hard on my family at times and yes they can be a bunch of rednecks but after getting a copy of this email today, I think they deserve a little slack.

A brief history lesson first. For those 10 or so loyal readers out there, you know from my previous rant that there was a certain Aunt I was hoping to not run into on my trip home. Well said Aunt took it upon herself to email my cousin to forward along a letter to my brother. Below is a copy in all its bountiful ignorance or “ignunce” as I like to call it. I edited out the names/places for privacy. Below the email is my brother’s response given to my cousin to send back. Said cousin took it upon himself to cc me a copy.

Dear (my brother):

I am sorry to hear about (my fathers name) death. I’m sure he is better off now that he is in God’s company. He loved you boys and I’m sure he tried his hardest to understand you all. I’m sure with his death you boys will probably want to move away from there and sell the place. I don’t blame you, its probably hard going without him.

We will not be able to attend the funeral as we are currently house hunting. You know after the last storm the roof on the trailer just didn’t make it. That old trailer has been taking hits for the last 5 years and this last storm just pushed it over the edge.

Will (moby) be coming to the funeral? Lord only knows how your dad put up w/his nonsense what with him living in sin and all. I mean he even moved over to that San Fransisco, the devils very den of sexual deveants. How your dad could ever put up w/such is beyond me. I sure hope he won’t be bringing any of his “friends” along and causing a spectacle and all. I’d keep an eye on him if I were you [if] he does come. I’d hate for any of those impressionable young children to be left alone around him. My preacher was telling us just the other day how the homesexuals are constantly trying to convert young childen over to there cause. Lord take me if any of my children should every choose such a dispecable lifestyle. (Her Husband) keeps a firm hand on our children and we never let them stay with anyone with questionable values if you catch my meaning.

Anyway, listen to me going on and all, I just get so distracted at times. I guess it’s the Christian in me. I just go off sometimes when I start thinking about those poor sinners. Well, I hope you all are doing ok, please give us a call or an emale if you need anything. God Bless your Soul.

Aunt (her name)


You’d think having email capabilities she could at least spell check the shit before she sent it. I left the errors in for that extra ‘ummph’ of feeling.

And here is my brother’s response….

It was nice of you to show so much concern for my dad’s death. I particularly like the part where you wrote two small lines about dad but felt the need to ramble on endlessly about (moby)’s being gay. I also liked the flimsy excuse about not coming to the funeral considering its being held 4 miles from your place in (hometown). I’m sure dad would have been ok with his oldest living sister not coming to his funeral because she was too busy condemning anyone who doesn’t fit in her narrow vision of the world.

As for (moby), you can breathe a sigh of relief as he will not be there. He came down already and made his piece with dad. I’d sooner leave my kids with (moby) than leave them with your hateful bunch. And I suggest you look to your own flock of fuckups before you start throwing stones at us.

And please do me the favor of keeping you holier than thou attitude to yourself. And don’t you worry about the land, we won’t be selling it anytime soon. Since dad is gone now you obviously won’t have any reason to darken our door ever again seeing is how we are just a bunch of no account heathens given over to the devil.


(my brother)

The irony of this email is my Aunt was never a very “christian” woman. My brothers might be a bit fucked up but I’ve never been so proud of them.

Passing Thoughts

My father died in his sleep Saturday, February 26, 2005 at 2:45 am central time.

A long tumultuous chapter of my life has reached it’s end. How do I feel at this moment? I don’t know.

So many emotions are warring for control, I’m not sure the answer. Part of me is happy. Happy he is no longer suffering. Happy my brothers are no longer burdened night/day w/his constant care. Happy they are no longer forced to see his frail humanity passing before there eyes. What else? Pain, remorse, regret, loss?

How do I feel at this moment? I just don’t know.

Shame? No, I Don’t Think So

I must be PMS’ing this week. That or I’m still sick, cause this story brought me to tears. Being a cold hearted fag at times, not always an easy thing to do.

I’m hiv positive. i’m not a fucking hero. i’m just a guy who had unsafe sex and i’m paying for it the rest of my life. i was a stupid guy who contracted one of the worst diseases of modern time. yep that’s me. i’m stupid. just call me stupid, but don’t ever call me a hero. yes, i knew the risks. i grew up in the time of aids. i knew how devastating the disease had been to a generation before me. i heard the stories of the death count. i heard about the ways to prevent the disease. i knew condoms, condoms, condoms. i even spoke about hiv prevention in my high school. i was always telling my friends to use condoms. i was a living breathing public service announcement for hiv prevention. that was me. well actually that was just part of me. the other part was an insecure guy who just wanted to be loved.

i guess part of me trusted them. up until that point i’d never been a strong person. i’d pretty much let other people make decisions for me. so anyway, i would sleep with guys. i’d let them bareback me. i was young. i was invincible. i was the straight guy in his new sports car going 95 miles an hour down the highway. i was invincible…or so i thought.

First, let me clarify, I’m a big believer in personal responsibility. That’s not my beef today. And I’m not condoning risky behavior. My issue is a disturbing trend within our culture of treating anyone less perfect than ourselves as “less than human” and just writing them off. Well, life ain’t easy for all of us. For some of us it can be a unbearable unending hell at times. If it were so damn easy to make the right choices then we wouldn’t have tens of thousands of people dying every year from cigarette related cancer now would we? This is a serious problem people. And for the record, I’m not perfect and I’ve been guilty of this fallacy.

The snips above come from MeSouthern, who is an HIV + male. He converted at an early age. By his own admission, he knew of the risks, albeit indirectly, and made some bad decisions. So now should we write him off as undeserving of our sympathy? If you answer yes, then I hope you never know hard times because karma can be an ugly unrelenting teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t we should glorify it either. Far too many guys these days, shake off the horrible aspects of being HIV+. Reality check, HIV is a terminal illness. That means there is NO cure for it. Granted we have some great drugs out there these days but not everyone responds so well and not all of these drugs are easy to take.

…the day my positive test results came back. that’s the day i knew it was time to take responsibility for my past mistakes. the past mistakes of being a stupid fucking whore, not a hero. here i sit now. my body is starting to fail me. it’s been about 4 years, since i got my test results back. i will soon be on meds, that will hopefully keep me alive. yes, i regret fucking every hot guy without a condom. yes, i regret using drugs. i should’ve known better; i did know better. aids isn’t pretty. it’s a very serious disease. it’s going to kill tons of people. it will probably kill me. oh well, does it matter? probably not because i’m a stupid fucking whore, who isn’t a hero. i should be ashamed of myself…

Is this what we are teaching our young people? If you make mistakes, shame on you? You no longer deserve our love/support? If so, then we need not worry about the christian not-so-right folks. We have a far greater enemy in ourselves.

Judge Jack

I’m still felling icky today but thankfully I’ve been spared the high fevers everyone else seems to be getting w/this crap.

Trying to keep my mind on other things I stumbled across this headline from the Sf Chronicle. Remember the Jack’n Judge? You know the guy using a pump to masterbate under his bench during cases. Looks like his career came and went but is now possibly facing criminal charges.

“We’re certainly saddened by the thought that the prosecutor filed charges,” said Clark Brewster, Thompson’s attorney. “We thought all this was dealt with when he resigned. We didn’t feel like anything that was alleged rose to the level of criminal charges.”

Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson’s robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.

Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kurt Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster’s audiotape of the trial.

When jurors at the trial asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn’t heard it, but would listen for it.

Last time I checked, masturbating in public was still a crime in all 50 states.