Well, the three big gay holidays of the year are over. Pride, Dore Alley, & last but not least, Folsom have all come and gone. And while I had fun, Folsom was a mixed bag for me this year. One might even say too much fun. [1]Yes, there will be a separate post for that. You’ll need to be logged in to see it. That said, I discovered a couple of old demons still lurking in my id.
The Big Muscle party on Saturday was exceptionally fun. What can I say? So many beefy menz, so little time. Actually, with the exception of the fair itself, everything else was almost a let down after the BM party. Nothing else really seemed to measure up. lol And, I like it because everyone is still relatively sober. I usually find the guys are often very friendly and more sociable than other events throughout the weekend. I guess you could compare it to a Tea dance. I also met more guys from online this year than I ever have before. Moving on…
The weekend went great. I was with a great group of friends, ran into some old ones and definitely met some new ones. That said, I remember this nagging sensation gnawing at me several times. Not about to let it ruin my fun, I tucked it away and made a mental note to crack it open later. *g* Well it is later and I’ve realized the nagging feeling was me feeling inferior.
Don’t get me wrong, I doubt anyone really noticed. One thing you learn about me, when I’m nervous or intimidated I tend to act more gregarious than normal to compensate for it. [2]I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL Call it a defense-mechanism from my childhood, whatever. I originally chalked it up to not having worked out in over a month. And lets face it, these events do sort of cater to the more shallow side of our nature.
Now I’m left wondering if my lack of gym time is the real culprit? I’m a little ashamed to say I don’t think so. Instead, I think I’ve become so accustomed to working out it has allowed me to bury my old feelings of inadequacy. It really shouldn’t surprise me not being able to work out just allowed them to surface.
So yeah, I had a great time at Folsom. But, it also gave me a chance to see myself a bit more objectively. Never a bad thing, IMHO. I guess the point here is I realized I’ve been neglecting the inner me and focusing primarily on the outer me. And while neither is in that bad of shape, I need to remember they both need work. *g*
I doubt a truer sentiment was ever uttered…if the insides aren’t good, the outsides don’t matter much. I’m sorry for your feelings of inferiority. It is a trait many of us share and struggle with, no matter how much we (try to) change our physical appearance to alleviate it. Try to remember that, to many, your attributes are things that many others aspire to…it’s all relative.
Meh, we are all works in progress! We all can’t be Colt models with doctorates in Philosophy and masters of relationships. You are a great guy, and everyone who meets you seems to share the same sentiment. Looks will come and go, but your heart stays the same. You just need to buck up little shooter! You didn’t choose not to work out, circumstances did that for you! Drink your juice Shelby! ROFL!
With this being the first time I’d actually met you in person, and even though you thought there was some sort of hostility that I don’t remember, you seem like a great guy. Very real, sincere and honest.
Live in the present, keep in mind the past and hope for the future. You’ll do well big stud. Just keep being yourself and you’ll figure out who you really are. *hug*
@Wildcuddler ~ I never said you were hostile silly. Thanks for the kudos and it was great to meet you too btw.
I think the ptroblem with events like this is that even though they are great fun, a lot of people come away from them feeling like you do. There is something about them that always leaves me questioning myself in one way or another too. But honestly Moby, eventhough I don’t know you, from what I can gather about you here (and from what other people say about you) I don’t think you have too much to worry about.
Hey..
Its to your benifit you can realize this..
I’ve Been Beeting myself up.. Over a Short Summer fling.. .. But I’m still hooked.. He has moved on.. Over Did Working out.. But Want to Get going slow again..
Snap out of it, Bitch! Damn! You just don’t know what your good looks and personality do to some of us. Jeez!!! Those BM guys are only attractive to a very small minority of people. I luva guy who wants to handle public emergencies for a living, that loves people and life the way you do, and looks as unbelievably smoking hot while he does it.
@Steve ~ uh, how much do I owe you for that sizzling endorsement? *g* Thanks for the support and kind words.
Hey Moby-
Don’t beat yourself up over it!
If you are a smarter gay, you will realize soon enough that you will have physical setbacks in life. It’s called “living.” There is great emphasis in gay life on looks. I have moderate looks and a moderate physique, and there are times I beat myself up over not being better – “Why can’t *I* be a muscle bear too?” But life took over, and I got involved with things outside of gay life. I lived in SF from 76-91, and felt the need to move from SF for a number of reasons: professional growth (a great job in Hilo Hawaii), personal growth (a chance to build a house in the country), and time to mix with teh non-gays. The short end of it is that I grew in a lot of ways. And though I am not in the absolute muscle guy shape I’d like, all the time I spent doing other things than sweating in the gym was really good for me and the others around me.
I’m 53 now, feeling ok about myself, struggling with sleep apnea, but hangin’ in there. Gays my age are still concerned about how they look, but not to the degree we did when we were younger.
We’re more concerned how we can make society and the world a better place rather than spending a lot of time getting pretty to bed the hot hunk.
Glad you’re on the mend! Much aloha, Kevin