Category: dating

Painful Reminder

I’m gonna go off on a rant here. (The trip info is still in works.)

Why are men such dicks?

I’ve been chatting w/a friend from back home in Houston via email for a few days now. Due to my schedule on such a short trip, we did not get time to visit in person. Anyway, I discovered he recently split w/his bf. There seem to be some striking parallels between his and my breakup. I got very teary eyed after reading his latest email. The pain he is going thru is all too familiar. Saying ‘it will get better’ is so cliche. We all know it will but, it does nothing to lesson the pain now.

I think I’m gonna start a sex site called “Sex with Strings”. Meaning…yeah you can hook up for sex but the focus is also on finding someone compatible out of bed as much as in bed. Wouldn’t that be a gas!? I wonder if it would go over well. I’m obviously trying to make light of things here. However, I do believe that our culture has these polarity in regards to sex and relationships. It’s always “looking for long term LTR not hookups” or “looking for hookups only“. Why can’t you look for both? I know it ties into our irrational need to conform to the hetero morality. Lets face it folks, men are wired differently than women. So when you take women out of the equation, it doesn’t make sense to try and apply rules that were never meant for same sex relationships. DUH! I’m not saying monogamy doesn’t have a place in same sex LTR’s, (which so many often intepret I do), just that we need to be honest w/ourselves and our partners about our needs/desires. It’s that simple.

Ok, I’m totally off focus here but that’s it for now. I need to get ready for work.

Bitter!? Party of Two, One!

…..your table is ready. So my lunch date was a no show. Note even a phone call. I’m not sure why I even get upset anymore. Here it is almost 4:00pm pacific time and he hasn’t bothered to call or email. However, I did see him online earlier.

I make an effort in my life to be the type of person I’d want to date. I guess it is just too much these days to ask for the same in return.

** Update – got a very brief curt email around 4:30pm w/a lame excuse. Hmmm? lunch was at Noon, got a response at 4:30pm. **

Ups & Downs II

*Todays post is a bit personal and meant more for me than you, my readers.*

I swear I need prosaic or something. Yesterday, everything was right as rain w/the world and today I’m in a funk. It could be I have been keeping myself distracted lately. Today, with nothing planned and nothing occupying my time, I’ve run out of distractions. I’m not depressed but something is nagging at me. This week has been relaxing to say the least so that can’t be it. Or maybe it is. Mabye not being rushed to get shit done or work, issues that have been pushed aside are beginning to surface. Yeah, I think that’s it. Someone call Dr. Phil and tell’em he is out of a job! Work has been blessfully busy. (I can’t believe I just said that!) And being busy keeps me preoccupied.

And the bitchin part is that I don’t think it’s just one thing. I mean if it were, I’d be able to pin it down. I am a little annoyed w/myself. Here it is July (mid year) and I’ve only accomplished one of my resolutions for the year so far. (I was supposed to have 3 or 4 done by now.) I often bitch to people that you have to lead your life and not let it lead you. And what am I doing. . . letting my life lead me. Add to that lately, I’ve had a strong desire to start dating again. Something is majorly up w/my id. (I say this because I only get this way when I’m obsessing or insecure about something.)

Other than work, there are not many big problems w/life at the moment. Of course, a drama free life doesn’t automatically equate happiness I suppose. So here I sit asking myself ‘whats up?’ Is it lonliness, bitterness, resentment, vulnerability? I don’t really feel any one thing profoundly. Maybe it is a combination of all of the above. Not enough to keep me down. But maybe it is all colliding together and building up. Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I alone? Certainly not. Bitterness? I honestly don’t know. Resentment? Yes, a little. As hard as I try the old feelings of uselessness still surface sometimes. The feeling 0f being cast aside like yesterdays garbage. Vulnerable? I think insecure better sums it up.

Now that I think about it, I think meeting Bud sort of set me off. Bud is the guy I met from Tribe this past week. I found myself very attracted to him and I think he felt the same way. I ran into Tim one day while he was here and he said I was ‘glowing’. And it’s true. I do ‘glow’ a bit when I’m excited about someone. I’m digressing a bit here, back to the story. Of course, knowing anything beyond casual friendship was out of the question, I think I felt rejected (again). And the silly part is I KNOW it wasn’t that at all. I was never his enough to be rejected. It was a chance encounter that turned out great is all. But my head and heart aren’t always on the same page it seems. So I guess, maybe meeting Bud pushed everything else into motion. (And on a side note, I admitted a crush to a guy I like from the gym. No clue yet where that might lead if anywhere.)

I think another issue might be I’m tired. Tired of always trying to validate people around me w/o getting any myself. Is that selfish? I don’t know. By validate I mean uplift, support, help, etc. I just know I always seem to be the one foregoing any sort of validation for myself for the sake of others. I don’t resent it usually as it comes naturally to me. I enjoy helping others. But lately, I think I’m feeling left out. (Again, w/the abandonment issues. Lord! Someone call Oprah.)

So now I have to ask myself, what do I do to fix it? I’m never one to bitch w/o a solution usually. Where do I go from here? For once, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what to do next. I need to do something as I’m sure these feelings will fester otherwise. *sigh* Maybe I need therapy. I think my insurance will cover it. Blogging normally helps me see things more clearly. Seeing it clearly isn’t always enough I guess. I say that now but maybe I’ll get an epiphany again!

*So afterwards, I reread this and it sounds so depressing. I’m not really depressed. I don’t think it’s gotten that far. Maybe a better description would be – I’m dissatisfied w/my life at the moment. I think that better reflects the way I’m feeling. Now I just need to figure out what the fuck to do!*

Chance Encounter

I had a meeting w/a fellow blogger this past weekend and WOW! Well, I say blogger but that is not really the case. He is a member of Tribe and we first met online there. I don’t think he blogs per say. Anyway, he was here on business and we decided to meet. Not only is he incredibly handsome but smart too.

Long story cut short, we spent several days of quality time together “talking” and getting to know one another. I find myself entertaining daydreams of what could be. I could go on and on about the possibilities. Yeah yeah, I’m a dreamer but I’m a realist as well. Sometimes in life, you have encounters where you know so much more is possible if only… If only what? If only he was single. If only he didn’t live 3 states away. If only things were different. If only. Suffice it to say, I have a renewed faith in my ability to feel and desire.

I am grateful for our chance encounter. Who knows what the future holds. Hope springs eternal!

Draw the Line

Where does one draw the line between ignorance and arrogance? An issue has sort of been simmering in the back of my mind lately. I rarely blog about the ex anymore. Mainly, because I see no reason to go on and on about him when our lives are going separate directions. That said, this blog entry is more for me than anyone else.

The ex and I separated back in November 04. He had a house in another city which he decided to sell. The house sold a month ago. To date, he hasn’t offered me a single dime. He made over a 100k in profit. Do I think I deserve something? You betcha!

Flashback to a few years prior. The ex and I live apart for almost 2 years. During that 2 years, I helped him repair, repaint (inside and out), and redo basically every aspect of the house. Granted he did more than I but it is his house and he was living there. I was still living here. I commuted twice a month there and he here. We spent most of my time there working on the house. June of 03 we decided to move in together. He moved here and we got a place together. I agreed to pickup the rent and most of the expenses while he looked for work. He then became abruptly sick from a digestive problem. I won’t go into details but he was very sick for 6 months. Obviously, I took care of him and was glad to do it. He recovered. At this point, he made no efforts to find work. I continued to pay 90% of the expenses. A year later, things get ugly and we go our separate ways. I supported us for a year and half paying 90% of the communal bills, rent, etc and I get a couch, two end tables and a bed frame. Not really a balanced match if you ask me.

In our conversations, he knew I expected some sort of compensation for all my losses in the deal. Granted, I didn’t do it because I expected something in return. I was happy to do it out of love for him. I guess my error in judgement is that I assumed he would have enough decency and respect for me to make amends for the financial/mental abuse he put me thru. I’m learning this is just not the case. Even now, he is still bound to me on several levels that benefit him. So, I am beginning to ask myself, where does ignorance end and arrogance begin?

I have done right by him thru the whole ordeal. Granted I had some harsh things to say in the beginning. I’ll admit, it does gives me a small amount of joy that it annoys him when I post stuff about him here. I think because he is ashamed and doesn’t want others to know. But even when I do post about him, my comments are about my issues. My pain, anguish, disappointment, etc. I never attack him. The same cannot be said of him. The sad truth is even after everything, I still love him. I can’t turn those feelings off. I’ve moved on but my heart hasn’t forgotten.

Now I’m faced w/a choice of what to do. Do I continue being his friend even though he continues to disrespect me? Do I make a verbal attack on him and try to make him feel as bad as I do? Or do I just end the friendship and move on w/my life?

Trouble In Paradise?

So I had lunch w/Mostovic today. Normally, lunch w/him is great but today I came away angry. We started discussing some of the issues w/my work. Specifically, the work I’ve been doing w/the Union to help get a raise. I was a bit taken aback when he actually began arguing as if I didn’t deserve a raise. Like, HOW DARE I ask for more money in such a rough economy. I guess more than anything it surprised me. I didn’t expect it.

However, during the discussion, it did serve to remind me of the reasons why I’m fighting for a raise. The main one, my job was doubled two and half hears ago and am just now getting a chance to plead my (our) case. The other reason is I value my skills. I’ve learned (the hard way) that if I don’t stand up for my rights no one else will. Sometimes that means a new job and sometimes it just means playing hard ball where you’re at. And it’s definitely been an uphill battle. The city is facing another large deficeit and is looking for ways to save money. So, naturally giving me more money doesn’t figure into their plans. (In case you missed it, I’m a dispatcher for SFPD. Two years ago, we were forced to take over Fire and EMS dispatch as well)

Even before we took over the extra duties, we were the least paid in the nine Bay area counties. Now with the increased workload, we have stopped asking and started demanding more money. At a time when Sacramento’s dispatchers just got a 41% pay increase, I think our small 10% request is not going to break the bank. And considering there is only 1 dispatcher on duty for every 100,000 (yes that was one hundred thousand) people in the city, I think it would be in SF’s best interest to at least try to keep the dispatchers they have.

Remembering this put me back in a good mood and my day has been peachy since!

Weekend Wanderings II

Well, the weekend was blissfully uneventful. After a hard week, it was more than welcome. Saturday was spent hanging out w/Bobby. We took in a flick, House of Wax. You can definitely wait for DVD on this one. It had a decent plot but the movie dragged along until the end. There were some good scary scenes toward the end.

Sunday, I met up w/Mostovic and we hung out at the Eagle. The weather was kinda overcast so it wasn’t overly crowded for a change. It was so nice just to hang out and socialize. A group of the BCC boys were there as well.

Afterwards, Mostovic and I had dinner in the Castro. Not too bad of a weekend if you ask me.

On a side note, I got an email from the ex this morning. Apparently, someone cut the convertable top on his car over the weekend. He needed help getting a police report filed. The irony is back when we were together, our place was sort of on the outskirts of a bad neighborhood. His vehicle was never once broken into. Now, he lives in a sorta well-to-do spot in the city and his soft top gets sliced. I would have been just as upset so I tried to help the best I could. As luck would have it, he got a report pretty quickly and his insurance is on top of it.

This week, while not as busy, is going to be interesting. I have a new trainee tomorrow. I have no idea of her skills so time will tell. More importantly. the city is also submitting a proposal to our Union on Wednesday in regards to our raise. (Our job duties were doubled almost tripled two years ago. This is to address that) As a union officer, I will have first hand knowledge Wed. night. I’m hoping they come up w/a good offer so we don’t have to bicker back and forth about it. Keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed.

Ideology of Theology.

How is that for a play on words? *g*

The ex and I got together to swap out some furniture early Sunday. (ok, early for me which is noonish) It was pretty uneventful up until we discovered my bed frame isn’t a full/queen hybrid as I’d thought. So the mattress provided by the ex didn’t fit. For the moment, I’m reduced to having a boxspring/mattress on the floor until we can get together again to swap out the rest of his stuff w/another frame for me. He was very kind enough to donate a frame. I am grateful.

Sunday seems to be turning into a regular blogging session for a small gang of buddies. This past Sunday was no exception. Later in the day, I found myself in the Castro at Le Bon Gateau hanging out w/Mostovic, Norm, Tim, and Bobby. The latter two of the group don’t blog. I think we did more talking than blogging this time. That said, a fun time was had by all. I forgot to take pics. On a side rant, Tim has decided he wants me to create a new sub-blog just for him so he could blog about my blog. I’m still confused over that one but I thought I’d share it. *note – his prozaic prescription is low – could be the reason*

Afterwards, Mostovic and I went off by ourselves and had great discussion about God. It was great having an adult conversation about faith w/o someone ending up angry. So few folks can discuss religion w/o getting pissy. I think most folks are used to just following what they’ve always been told vs actually having any sort of in-depth knowledge of their faith. So anytime, that is questioned, they feel theatened and lash out. But I digress. Our conversation was about the core difference between our beliefs – the purpose behind the creation of humanity, the duality of the flesh/spirit, etc. I won’t bore you w/the details as that is a post unto itself. My only failing is I wasn’t able to articulate my thoughts into speech as easily as I understood them. Probably because I don’t read up on religion much anymore and am a bit rusty in the terminology. (who da thunk it, me speechless?) However, Mostovic seemed to be in the same boat, albeit not as bad as me. We spent about 3 hours just talking and listening to each other. It was the most enjoyable theological conversation I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Before we knew it, closing time was upon us and we had to bail! We ran into T from the BCC and had a late night meal together. Afterwards, I went home to watch my tivo shows! Not a bad way to spend the weekend.

Weekend Wanderings

Real quick as I’m at work. The weekend was uneventful but fun. I was originally scheduled to go to a play on Sat. night but due to scheduling problems w/Mostovic and I, it wasn’t in the cards. So instead, we had a nice dinner at a new Thai place on Polk St. Afterwards, we hung out at my place and watched Godzilla (The new version w/Matthew Broderick). Go ahead and laugh but I am a huge Godzilla fan. Mostovic said he wanted to see it so, of course, I had to accommodate his wishes.

Sunday was a whole new ball of wax, jwill write more later.