Relapse!

Not sure really what else to call it. And I was doing so well too….

I was completely overcome by a sense of loneliness tonight at dinner. Kind of odd for me as I’ve always been of the mindset; being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. That said, this was distinctly loneliness. Loneliness in its raw and ugly power. I was mid way thru dinner at my favorite sushi joint in the Castro when it hit me. (The ex and I used to go there a lot.) I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t eaten there since the breakup, the holidays, or a little of both. I do know I was so overcome I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself. I was halfway into tears when the anger hit me. . .

Anger that I’ve let someone put me in the position of feeling this way. Anger that I’m making a fool of myself in public. Anger that I felt like a complete basket case if only for a few minutes. Anger that I am still capable of missing him after what he did to me. And yes anger over being angry.

And after anger came reason and sanity once again prevailed. I’m able to laugh now as I’ve managed to pulled myself together. My head knows its over. I just wish I could get my heart to fall in line. Maybe I should just admit to myself that I still have unresolved feelings about the breakup. Before I met the ex, I had reached a point in my life where I felt complete and whole. I wanted a partner but it had become a possible future instead of a goal in life. Fast forward to now, I’m having a hard time getting back to that place in my head. Damn it! Why can’t I be like Data from Star Trek. Just snap my emotions on/off on a whim? Why? Because, thats what its like to be human I guess. As sad as I get sometimes, I’m still able to remember that. And I think sometimes, thats the only thought that keeps me going. Hope springs eternal. . . .

Stuffing & Trimmings

Happy Turkey Day to those who celebrate it. Hope it was enjoyable for you. Overall, mine was good. I was a little sad this morning. I missed waking up next to my ex. He loves to cook and always made a big feast on Turkey Day. Ok, I’ll admit it, I miss him. I considered calling him but I thought that might come across wrong so didn’t.

I spent the day w/a bud from work and he put out a really good feast. I got to meet his new bf and his roommate. I also got to meet his roommate’s very handsome brother alas, he was straight. It was only 7 people total so it made for a nice intimate evening.

Anyway, I’m just home from the festivities, my belly is full, my eyes are blurry and I’ll probably call it an early night. Gobble Gobble!

Moving & Separation

Well, I’ve been busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest this past week so haven’t been posting much lately. I had all these great rants I wanted to squeeze in but now I’ve misplaced/forgotten half of them.

I mentioned a few blogs back that I was moving. Well, today was the day. I am finished w/the first day of the move. I’m about mid way thru it and I don’t mind telling you I am tuckered out. I’ve been moving/packing all freaking day and I’m soooo over it. (g) I’m still torn about the move itself. I’m gonna be saving buttloads of cash but I really hate not being in the heart of the city. That said, I need to recoup from my financial losses this past year. (Yes, taking care of shithead was a big part of it) Not to mention, I plan to start paramedic training in the Spring or Fall. First and foremost though, I plan to be debt free by summertime. I don’t have that much debt in the scope of things. However, I’m tired of it constantly being over my head.

Since I mentioned Shithead, I guess I should give you the update on him as well. Surprisingly, he (my ex) came back from Palm Springs and didn’t put up a fight at all about me asking him to move out. As expected, he is moving-in with his best friend. He also helped out quite a bit getting ready for the move. Of course, the fact that I’m letting him store ALL his stuff at my new place for free until he gets back on his feet might have something to do with it. Everyone says I’m being too nice to him after the way he has wronged me. Try as I might, I just can’t be cruel in return. I was mistreated for so much of my childhood that I can’t or better yet, I won’t inflict that sort of torment on someone I care about. Make no mistake, I have no illusions that we’ll ever be together again. That said, I find that I’m still very much in love with him.

Tomorrow is the last day we will spend together and I just know I’m gonna be all blubbery about it. Being a typical Aquarian I’m loyal to the bitter end I guess.

Drama 101 and other Head Games

Ok, since my ex continues to play head games from hereafter he shall be referred to as shithead.1

Preface:
He isn’t working so he took the part-time night job at an erotic store in the Castro. He didn’t come home last night. Fine by me as I wasn’t in the mood for him anyway. So this morning I call him to come by so we can go grocery shopping. (He has the car) Immediately after getting home, he starts asking me, what’s wrong? I figure he is either paranoid or feeling guilty. Either way, I didn’t rise to the bait.

Anyway, we get our chores done and get home and he “discovers” an unknown person called him. A few minutes later, I hear him in the bathroom trying to have a conversation w/Mr. Unknown. How stupid does he think I really am? I mean come on, we live in a 765sq ft apartment. How can I not hear him? Anyway, my first impulse was to get upset. However, two things clicked in my head all at once. One, I don’t really care so why get upset. Two, he is very immature for his age. I had forgotten I am only his 2nd adult relationship. His first lasted 8 years but did not end well. I can see why now. In fairness, I’ve met his previous ex and the guy is a complete self-centered asshole.

The realization hit me that for 37yrs old shithead really is not that adept at managing his life or relationships. He has never matured enough in this area to function on an adult level. How I could have missed this before astounds me. Especially, since I’ve been down that same road and grown from it. I guess its funny what love does to you.

Of course, realizing this means I am finally moving beyond my hurt/anger and seeing the bigger picture. It means I’m beginning to let go of him. I guess every dark cloud does have a silver lining! (yeah, I know it sounds hokey but it fits the moment)

  1. yes, I thought it was very colorful too []

Giving Up

After an argument today with the bf (or ex-bf I should say), it has become very clear to me he has no desire to reconcile and never has. With that in mind, I have given up any hope of salvaging our 3 1/2 year relationship. Most of my anger last night was over this very revelation. I must confess I’m still mystified as to why he doesn’t even care to try. Today, his only feeble attempt at a reason was “we’ve grown apart.” In the breadth of the last year, we’ve somehow grown apart. I could insert some really mean things here but what’s the point? It won’t change anything and really wouldn’t make me feel any better either.

I also discovered he is rather annoyed that I post my feelings on this blog. Several of our mutual friends, along w/a gaggle of nosey watchdogs, read it and run back to him wanting details. I make no apologies for the way I feel. I’ve said nothing here that I haven’t told him face to face. Is he afraid people will judge him based solely on my comments? If so, that’s his problem. This is my way of working thru the pain and disappointment of being discarded like yesterdays trash. I’ve been there for him thru thick and thin. I encouraged him when he was down and I applauded him when he was up. This is what I get in return.1 After the way he so casually dismissed the life we had together, I’m not even sure I could take him back now.

The only thing left to do now is put it behind me, pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on.

  1. Do I sound bitter here? I think so too []

Bad Day

I’m not even sure how to start this one. I’m annoyed enough I could break something. As pathetic as it sounds, I discovered today that several of my ex-partner’s friends keep checking my blog in the sole attempt to report back on my “comments” regarding our split. The stupidity of said people is overwhelming considering I monitor my blog traffic IP addresses and my blog is public. On top of that, my ex seems to think I’m stupid enough to not hear about if from people we know. Not to mention everything on my blog, I’ve said to his face. But enough on that.

So here is a comment for you nosy pests. Yeah we split up. Feel better now? Just itching to swoop in and take my place? My advice to you is go for it!

Better Today

I seem to be better today. Yesterday just seemed unbearable. Some days are better than others I guess. I think its harder right now because we have to see each other every day. I just have to remember the good parts and try to put the bad behind me I guess….

He isn’t working and has no where else to stay. All my friends say I should kick him to the curb but thats just not how I operate. The revenge I’d get would only be short lived and doesn’t do anything to help the problem. Truth is, I still love him. I just have to realize that I have to let him go and hope he comes back to me before its too late. Either way, I’m moving on w/my life and taking care of myself.

Single Again

Well after 3 years, I am soon to be single again. Its especially hard for me this time because I vested more of myself in this relationship than I ever have before. He was the first person I’d ever been with where I used the term we in my head. I’ve had other ltr’s but in my head, it was always me and this person, never we. He was also someone I pictured growing old with. When we met, he was living in Fresno. So many things clicked. We seemed to have similar backgrounds, similar interests, etc. Ironically, neither one was looking for a bf so the clicking just seemed so much more natural.

The trouble started after he moved here. I’m not really sure when but things have been going downhill for months now. I’ve given him room to grow as a person and experience what it is to be out and gay. But maybe my fault was in being too understanding. That said, after some ernest soul searching, I’ve come to realize what I believe to be the problem. Right now he is so focused on all the things he thinks he missed in the last 15 years (before he met me), that’s all he sees. When he sees me, he sees all the things he thinks is holding him back. I also think he will come to regret this decision. I’m just not sure I’ll be there when he does. Being a typical Aquarian, I’m loyal to a fault. Once I make a break though, I rarely go back. I give of myself 100% and when that is rejected, I am never able to reconcile w/a fresh start. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work for me.

Because so much of our lives are entwined right now, it will be months before we can completely go our separate ways. Hopefully, he’ll wise up. Regardless, I have to move on w/my life. I say this thru tears. It sounds so easy when I sit here and look at it in black and white. However, my heart says something completely different. I’m just so disappointed that things have gone so far downhill. I have to stop now…

Good News

My partner is involved in a charity event and today was auctioned off for $4100.00 Apparently, it was the highest single auction bid in the history of this particular charity. The fact that every dollar goes to the charities in question only makes the day that much sweeter. Kudos to him for doing such a fantastic job. (I’ll post the pic as soon as I get the digital camera connectin fixed).