I’m taking an unexpected trip to San Diego tomorrow (well today now). Some bad news prompted the trip but it warms my heart TFA wanted me to be there with him.
I’ll have limited access to email and the blog so not much posting. Probably update a lot more via twitter. I’ve been working on a long-winded post about monogamy after an inquiry from a reader. It will have to wait till I get back.1
Do try to not start any blog wars while I’m gone.
Here’s hoping I can squeeze in 5 hours of sleep.
I know you are just waiting with baited breath. lol [↩]
After my last rant, someone asked how things w/TFA and I were since I referenced some playtime. Because of our schedules and an illness in his family, I won’t see him again till January. Yes, it bothers me but it is what it is. We also both work jobs where we work holidays. Translation? We are both busy this time of year. The upside, he is moving back to domestic flights in January which will give him a lot more flexibility to pull trips to SF. I will admit my feelings for him as altered my playtime somewhat. Having very connected sex w/someone vs just having sex is different obviously. I tend to have less of the latter in expectation of the first. However, there are times when the mood strikes and simply will not be denied. And having a strong libido it is a given. OY!
As to the implication behind the question, no we are not monogamous. I’ve never been big on that anyway. Considering we live in different cities and only see each other about once a month right now, not really fair to impose such a restriction even if we were. Yes, he knows. I’m about honesty and communication vs enforcing blind rules of obedience. Besides, jealousy is so not my color!
I guess I’m still evolving as a human. A good sign I’m sure. *I’m also feeling long winded tonight*
A lot has transpired lately between TFA and I.1 A huge chunk is hard to discuss as I do not wish to violate his wish for privacy. However, there are things in my head I need to force into the open so it can receive a proper beating from my id. Most of you following my love life know it has most definitely been a rocky road. LOL The last break up and several the jump starts in between make for interesting reading if nothing else.
My capacity to love is almost boundless. That said, one of my biggest shortcomings is I often feel like it is not enough unless that love is returned. What an ugly road that leads too. To love someone unconditionally means to love w/o limits and w/o the need for validation. Don’t get me wrong, we all need a little validation from time to time. However, that is a huge jump from needing constant validation of self thru the expression from another.2 I have no doubts that TFA came into my life for a reason. I am being given a chance to examine my behavior and shortcomings. I can either improve upon them or continue to wallow in self-doubt.
With that in mind, I am discovering I can let go of my fears. TFA has a lot on his plate right now beyond just worrying about his connection to me.3 He will often withdraw when things are particularly difficult or he is struggling. Bouncing around the planet every few days does nothing to give one a sense of comfort either. Anyway, when he withdraws my reaction is to begin doubting my self-worth. I’m realizing more and more what a waste of effort that is. I feel very strongly for him. As I sit here contemplating, I’m hit with the realization I’m not concerned if he loves me back. Oh sure, I’d like it if he did but that is beyond the point. For the first time in my life, I find I’m not needing validation for the way I feel. I feel the way I do and that is enough. I find looking on it this way significantly diminishes my fear of loss or rejection. I feel almost free in a way. Is it possible I am truly learning to love unconditionally? Wouldn’t that be one for the record books? No, I’m not so foolish to think this little epiphany will solve everything. Yet, it is a very startling and uplifting outlook on my future.
TFA sent me an email tonight apologizing for his recent bout of withdrawal.4 He often does when he has a chance to process things and comes back to his feeling of comfort. It actually tickles me that I’m able to see the pattern and not react to it. I’m digressing. . . I responded back with a reply that may soothe him or blow up in my face. I’ve been holding back a lot of how I feel and trying very hard not to project my own issues onto him. My reply tonight had a lot to do with how I feel. I am proud to say I was able to express it without the implication that I need his love in return. And frankly, it is not the outcome that is important to me. It is the honest expression of my feelings without any expectation that is important. If he bails, that will be on his terms and will not change the way I feel. I can still come away knowing I am learning to love without limitations. I can hold my head up and be confident in myself and know that no one else need justify my feelings other than me.
*I’ve come back afterwards to add more here*
After letting my comments above stew for awhile, I find I’m in an incredibly good mood. What a very free feeling it is to find myself letting go of a fear that has plagued me my whole life. It is not gone but it is my hope I am learning to move beyond the hard-wired emotion. Fear is a base emotion originally meant to protect us. However, in the world today it often serves just the opposite. To think I can finally rise above it is a very empowering feeling. I used to say in my old journals that “hope springs eternal”. I don’t think I ever truly believed it before but I definitely think I do now.
You’ve read the parts I choose to share. What is lacking are the private posts of me having pity parties. [↩]
Been a bit distracted lately so no posts. I’m back.
The past weekend w/TFA was nice. No natural disasters this time so we got to spend some quality time bonding and getting to know each other more. We skipped all the touristy stuff. We got to the beach one day, movies the next but mostly we spent quality time at home relaxing and enjoying the down time. I made the mistake of telling him the one ticklish spot on my body. He spent the whole weekend tickling me every chance he got.1
In work related news, I got notice today that I am being sued by a previous trainee.2 I am not in the least bit worried. The dept. bent over backwards to not only accommodate her but also gave her an incredibly lengthy extension beyond what anyone else has ever received. I am dismayed she simply refuses to accept the simple truth the job function was beyond her abilities.
The xbox is finally back! They sent me a new one as promised. So far, it is working like a dream. I haven’t had much time to play but I did get a couple hours in yesterday playing Bioshock. Excellent game. Given a choice, I have to say the xbox still beats the PS3. Sorry Sony, you dropped the ball.
My voice tends to go up several octaves when I’m being tickled. [↩]
She is suing quite a few people in the dept as well. [↩]
Vacation last week was very uneventful after TFA left. Well, that isn’t exactly true. We had a little drama but it was mostly self-induced. I learned something about myself though. For all my growing these past 4 years, I still have a ways to go.
The night before he left, TFA walled himself off from me. I could literally see the barriers come crashing down. He withdrew from me for a few days afterwards and it drove me nuts. The why doesn’t really matter as we’ve already worked thru it. It was only indirectly related to me. After talking about it later, I think we’ve crossed the last hurdle between us. The reason I bring it up is because what happened afterwards. After he left, I felt miserable. I started thinking some pretty negative thoughts and acting on my old fears. One of the biggest fears I struggle with is “am I enough?“. I know where it comes from so no need to beat that horse again. However, it is a fear that has plagued me my whole adult life. Sometimes to the point of crippling my ability to move beyond it. Surprised?
So I found myself thinking familiar thoughts. What did I do? Did I say or do something out of line? Was I overly attentive? Was I attentive enough? Did he change his mind about how he felt about me? Was he disappointed? Did I not measure up? Basically, I was beating myself up wondering what I had done wrong. For two days I put myself thru this. Being off work only made it worse as I had nothing to distract me.1 However, the morning of day three I snapped out of it. Reason and sanity prevailed.
I remembered I am a good man. I have my faults, sure enough. However, I have worked very hard to be a good man and to have the qualities in myself I desire in another. I have a lot to offer someone. And, my ability to love is boundless. If he can’t see or accept it, for whatever reason, then that isn’t my issue at all. So I gave up on my little pity party and felt better. No matter what happened, I was confident in myself again. The irony was he called me right after and told me what was going on. Turns out, it had nothing to do with me at all. 2
When I was younger, the pity party would have continued. I would not have snapped out of it. This incident has shown me I have, in fact, grown quite a bit. I still need some work but hey, don’t we all? lol I’m a little proud of myself actually. I’m beginning to look beyond the old fears and actually take stock in my own self-worth. A nice feeling.
All this coming up has shown me something else. I’ve fallen for him. Maybe not the deep abiding love that comes from being nurtured and reforged over time but love in its infancy. The line has been crossed for me. A good feeling but a scary one.
Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I’ve been extremely busy doing absolutely nothing. lol
I’d planned a bunch of stuff to do with TFA but since he had to go home early that is all moot. I’m more than a little disappointed but not the least bit angry. If it had been me, I’d have gone home too. Thankfully, his place didn’t get caught up in the fires.
Of course, my vacation has drastically changed now. I was thinking of going to Ft Lauderdale but the flights were hella expensive for last minute so I’m just hanging at home. The time off is enjoyable enough. I’m thinking of going for a long ride up the coast today. It has been very warm this week and would be awful to waste potentially the last warm days of the season.
I also got word today a buddy is having a little bit of domestic troubles. I’m sad for him. He is a good man. He is someone I’m honored to call a friend so I hope it all works out. He deserves to be happy. I’ll keep my fingers (and toes) crossed it does.
Anyway, I’m off to the gym to work my ‘muskles’. Later
As promised, here is a pic of TFA and I. Unfortunately, due to the wildland fires down in SD he had to cut his trip short. Leave it to a natural disaster to happen just when things are moving a long nicely for me. lol
We did get to spend two days together which was very nice. I’m off to the movies so I’ll have to write more later.
I haven’t mentioned TFA much lately. Well, things are going well. As I mentioned, he is coming up on the 22nd to spend 4 days with me. Besides the non-stop sex we’ll be having, it will also give us a chance to see how we interact on a day-to-day basis.
We crossed a hurdle of sorts this past week. He has been very guarded about his emotions and feelings toward me. Don’t get me wrong, when we are together I see what he is feeling on his face.1 I’ve known all along how he feels however, this week he finally said it out loud. One, he admitted he has feelings for me and two, he said he missed me. Of course, I melted like butter. LOL (I know, don’t go all mushy on ya. hehehe.) It has been awhile since I felt this way so pardon me for basking in the glow.
The weird part is now I’m scared one. Before, when I wasn’t really sure where things were headed I wasn’t. After our rough start, I guess I kept half expecting he’d change his mind and fly away (pun intended). Now that he has admitted his feelings to himself and me, I find that I’m nervous. It took me almost 2 years to fully come to terms with the breakup with my ex. And several bungled attempts since, I find myself wondering if I’m ready. The one good thing about the distance between us is it prevents me from coming on too strong. I have to laugh here. I know myself pretty well now. I can be an intense mother fucker when I totally let go.2 I also know for a fact if I had pushed him, TFA and I would not be on this path right now. The weird part. I haven’t felt the need to push him. I’ve said from the beginning I want it to be right between us for the right reasons. To my delight, events have conspired to just that end so far.
Yeah, I’m scared. Yeah, I’m nervous. Am I so foolish as to turn my back on the opportunity. Hell to the no! If you’ve learned anything about me in the last 3 years, you know I don’t pass up an opportunity. Scared or not, I’m not about to back out. I’ve worked hard at being the type of man I’d like to date. Now that I’ve found one I would like to date, it is time to put up or shut up!
Switching gears for a moment. Everyone keeps asking for a picture. Yes, I’ll try and get some this coming week to share. No, not THAT kind. Several of you have been chopping at the bit to see “my type”.3 Oh, and I created a new sub-category under dating to track things with TFA.
Ugh. It is my Monday and I’m tired. lol. Very busy weekend. Folsom was a success. My friend had an awesome time. I’ll write more later when I can.
I get to work today and my schedule is completely screwed up. I’m reliever which means I bounce around the room every 15 minutes giving breaks. I think I’m just cranky from a lack of sleep.
TFA was in town on Saturday and we had a great time. On a side note, everyone keeps sending me kudos and asking when I or he is moving. I’m really flattered by all the well-wishes however, please don’t confuse my enthusiasm. I’m not into overnight marriages and neither is he. lol So far, things are going beautifully between us. We’ve only had small blocks of time together so it is still too soon to know where this is headed. Yes, I’m most definitely likely the direction things are headed but I’m content to let things unfold vs jumping in feet first.1
I have some vacation days coming up the end of October and he is planning on spending a few days up here w/me. This will give us some quality time together and I’m definitely excited about that. I have more to say on the subject but time for my next break so it will have to wait.
It is good he lives in SD as I’d have a hard time doing that if he lived here. [↩]