Geek. Yeah And?

One of my coworkers was looking over my shoulder a few minutes ago watching me and flipped out.  She couldn’t believe how much I had going and how easy it was to update everything.  I have to admit the line between online and off is quickly blurring with the progression of web2.0.1  Everything is slowly moving that direction.  Ten years from now, you’ll see web access as a requirement vs luxury.  Speaking of geeking out, if you twitter and use Windows, check out Spaz.  Awesome desktop program to access all your tweets.  I fraking love it!  My buddy turnipstyle turned me on to it so kudos to him for the nod. 

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I finally crossed the threshold this week from being almost sick to sick.  I had to leave work early two days ago.  I got 10 hours of sleep both nights and seem to be better today.  I’m in a shitty mood today though.  Not to mention I totally forgot I had to work overtime today.  Shit bricks.   blech

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TFA called regarding some really good news he got this week.  I was very happy to hear it but even happier to hear some of the life return to his voice.  He has been so run down and depressed lately.  Hearing him so upbeat made my sick day bearable. 

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The roomie still hasn’t found a job but has a couple of good leads.  I feel for him as I hate being out of work.  Financially, he is ok for a few more months. 

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I broke down and created a new "listening" page (left side).  Now that I’m buying music again, I figure I might as well share.  I joined last.fm and they offer a nifty plugin to show what I’m listening too.  It doesn’t always work though and it’s limited to my last 7 songs.  Anyone use something better let me know.  I’m a Winamp fan and it needs work with it. 

  1. Basically, programs written to access online content without the need for a web browser []

Insert Tear Here

moby08

A big thank you to all the kind words and advice from so many of you.  I’m very honored people have followed my constant back and forth’s with TFA so intently.1 

I’m not really that depressed.  Sure I’m sad.   But, if I think about it, I haven’t really lost him.  We’ve just altered the parameters of our relationship.  I still feel the same way.  In an odd way, I actually feel closer to him.  I’m content to be his friend and confidant.  Who knows what the future holds.  Worst case scenario, I made a very good friend. 

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In completely unrelated news, work was a bore today.  I did manage to log on and order 4 new pair of jeans.2

  1. Lord knows, it has been a bit of a roller coaster. []
  2. Gooster will be so happy. []

End Of A Chapter

TFA and I had a long talk today.1  I didn’t plan on bringing up my doubts but he could tell something was up with me.  I didn’t have the gall to lie to him so we talked it out.  Basically, I admitted how much I was hurting and my growing doubts.  He listened patiently and with just one sentence summed it all up.  "Moby, it isn’t my desire for you that is the problem, it is my inability to act on it."  There it was in one little sentence.  The whole of our problem.  I cried a little but it was good to face it. 

So as of today, TFA and I are back to being just friends.  Good friends and the possibility for more still exists just not now.  He needs to focus on bigger issues in his life right now.  I’m not as sad as I thought I’d be.  I guess deep down, I knew it was coming.  I was just fighting it. 

The rest of the conversation was the same as always.  We laughed, we flirted, we talked dirty, then we laughed some more.  In a way, I feel like we are closer than before.  Odd I know but that’s how I feel. 

  1. 2 1/2 hours to be exact. []

Sanity Or Sandbags

I didn’t mean to imply I was cutting ties w/TFA or even ending it completely in my last rant.  I was sort of brainstorming and kicking stuff around.  I haven’t made any real decisions yet but I have gained some perspective.  Many of you offered wonderful heartfelt advice and I greatly appreciate that.  I sincerely listened to each and every one of you.  I’m not doubting his feelings but his ability to have a healthy relationship, right now.  

Being an Aquarian, I tend to wanna fix things and I always seem to end up in situations where I’m expecting myself to resolve other people’s problems.  I’m realizing I can’t.  Some things just have to resolve themselves. 

My last rant had more to do with me realizing things are not hunky-dory between TFA and I.  I need to consider the possibility that our timing sucks.  I’m also beginning to wonder if my involvement is holding him back.1  I wish I could say more but that would mean disrespecting his wishes and I can’t do that.  I think if I did it would make more sense though.  I’m just wondering if my distraction adds to his stress load sometimes.  That would severely upset me if it did. 

Irony, TFA called right after I finished my rant.2  After our conversation, I didn’t feel the pang of loneliness that usually comes with knowing I won’t seem him for awhile.  I’m not really sure what that means just yet.  It could mean I’m pulling away from him.  It could also mean, I’m worn out at the moment. 

In the end, I’ll always be his friend and no matter how it turns out, he’ll remain in my heart.   That is enough for me right now. 

  1. Lets face it, I can come on pretty strong.  I know color you surprised right? []
  2. No, he doesn’t read my blog []

Confuscious say… III

Every time I think I have my head screwed on right something seems to come along and knock it all a kilter again.  Can’t a bitch get a break?

I ran into a play buddy (I’ll call him the Latin) over the weekend and not having anything planned, we decided to hang out.1  Things are going smoothly when he suddenly reveals he has feelings for me.  The irony here is I sorta had the hots for him when we first met.  He didn’t really seem interested so I was content to just play around.  Anyway, not long after TFA came into the picture so it was easy to ignore my initial desire and just go with it.

For the record, the Latin has known about TFA from the beginning so I’m not feeling dishonest, that isn’t it at all.  However, I have been spending free time with him on a regular basis.  I do have some guilt over that.  After this weekend, it has dawned on me I might be using the Latin as a substitute for the things I’m not currently getting from TFA.2  I’ve already mentioned I’ve been having doubts about TFA lately.  Truth be told it has been tearing me apart.  Not my feelings so much as the situation.  It is clear we have a great connection together.  Therein lies the problem and the part that upsets me the most.  The connection makes for a good start but that isn’t enough.    And potential doesn’t a relationship make.  No matter how much potential we have, if we can’t spend time together working on it, what is the point?  TFA has so much on his plate right now he can’t really focus on me.   I certainly don’t mind being supportive however, I’m realizing my needs are being completely eclipsed by his.  Being around the Latin this past weekend brought that clearly into focus.3   That isn’t really fair to me or him. 

No, I’m not looking to trade TFA for the Latin.  Give me some credit.  But he has made me realize things w/TFA aren’t working out.  For that I am grateful even if it does hurt like hell.  My feelings haven’t changed obviously but if I truly care about TFA, then he needs me as friend right now more than anything else. 

So once again, I find my love-life in the shitter.  Am I surprised? Hell no.  I’m beginning to wonder if it is par for the course. lol  Yes, I’m trying to make lite of it.  If I don’t, I might burst into tears. 

  1. I don’t really celebrate NYE as a holiday. Pointless in my view of things. []
  2. Seeing any patterns here?  The same scenario w/TFA and his ex? []
  3. I’m not referring to the carnal ones.  No problem there. []

Onward

The holiday is fast approaching an end.  I spent most of my weekend w/my friend Bobby.  I tried to take his mind off his mom passing.  It worked overall.  He is taking it pretty hard naturally.  Anyway, we have just the dreaded New Year’s Eve coming up1 and that is it for awhile. 

My Christmas was uneventful.  I didn’t receive many gifts other than what I bought for myself.  However, that doesn’t bother me at all.  I much prefer to give than receive.  I am happy to be able to give gifts over the holiday.  I have never had a lot of money.  And while I still don’t, I’m in a much better place now financially than I’ve ever been. 

The roomie’s boyfriend arrived tonight from New Orleans.  We exchanged pressies when I got home.  Knowing my roomie got laid off I didn’t expect much from him.  Especially since he had his boyfriend to buy for.  I was extremely flattered by the small gift he did get me.

TFA is back from Beijing and sick as a dog apparently.  Poor thing.  He got the flu and it hit him hard on his last international flight.  We chatted briefly tonight and he does seem to be feeling better. 

Overall, it has been a good holiday for me.  Definitely better than some from my past.  Many of my friends aren’t having it so good though.  I hope I could bring them some joy or at the very least a little distraction this season.  That to me is the real meaning of Christmas. 

  1. NYE is the busiest night of the year for us at work. []

Highs & Lows

Awww, you guys are gonna make me cry. lol First, I have a very thick skin so I am perfectly fine. I wrote the last post after getting a very acidic email filled with some strong language. I almost feel sorry for the poor sap now. Almost! I found it incredibly humorous which is why I shared it.

Oh yes, stupid did send it from his work address. Yes, I did email their IT dept along with a copy of the police report I made.1 Yes, the company CEO did email me a personal apology. No, I will not list his name here. I think he learned his lesson. And even if he didn’t, he learned not to be so stupid next time.2

Thank you all for sending me such kind words and support. One person suggested I start posting the IP addresses of people who write me such things. I think I might just do that in the future. I’m always tickled how people think they are being so anonymous on the internet. Well, for 6 of you that get a Xmas card from me. I couldn’t find your address so I did an internet search and got it that way. Happy Kwanza! heeehee

I am a little sad this holiday season though. Several of my friends and family are down. It all started when my roomie lost his job.3 Then TFA shared a very personal problem he is battling with. Right after that my old brother4 was in a really bad car accident in Wyoming. He got banged up pretty good but will make a full recovery. As if that wasn’t enough I found out this week a close friend’s mom died. He is very upset as he was very close to her. AND, I found out yesterday another close friend and his lover are splitting up. Jesus H Christ Mary Joseph and David! What is up with all the tragedy? I feel almost guilty my life is going rather swimmingly at the moment. I know that’s stupid of course. One of my friends says I’m “too empathic” when it comes to the people I care about. I don’t know about all that but I do admit it is getting to me a little.

In some good news, it looks like I might get some really good days off this time around.5 I could end up with 3 days off including weekend days or just the weekend off. I’m really quite surprised by that. At the very worst, I’d end up with my same shift of Sunday/Monday’s off. I guess gone are the days of worrying about having enough seniority to pull a weekend slot. *crossed fingers* Of course, I am pushing 7 years come April with the department. I find out today as the just called and it is my turn. Wish me luck?

Oh, a couple more things. Speaking of Christmas cards, with all the drama as of late, I just put them in the mail today. Sorry, you’ll either get it just in time or just too late. lol I also got word that I’ve been nominated for some sort of Gay blog award somewhere. I don’t really care for such things but I’m extremely flattered.

  1. A report that included his email address, IP address and tracking fields from the header. Bless his heart. []
  2. Moral of the story? It is not nice to fuck with me. []
  3. Well his PRIMARY job. *giggle* []
  4. 4 of 8 is his designation []
  5. I’m on my schedule sign-up at work. We do it every 6 months. []

I’m Fine

Awww, I’m so verklempt over everyone checking in on me. Thanks for all the private emails asking how I’m doing. I really am fine. After getting a very concerned email from Homer tonight I figured it was time to spill it. I got hit with a lot of stress this past weekend. First, the brother getting into a horrific accident then a very unexpected need of support for TFA.

Things w/TFA and I are still evolving. We had a great time this weekend. I’m not really comfortable explaining the nature of my visit however, he needed me and I went. Enough said. I felt like my being there was very comforting to him. He leaned on me for support and I was happy to give it. It also made me feel really good knowing he trusted me enough to share and let me in, so to speak.

That said, I am beginning to have doubts. I find myself looking beyond my growing feelings for him to the overall picture. I begin to wonder if what he needs from me and what he wants from me are the same thing. Confused yet? Get in line. lol

Basically, I think he needs the attention, affection, and intimacy. I think he wants a really good friend for support. I routinely get mixed signals from him. The irony is his actions show he cares a lot more than his words. How’s that for a role reversal? I am acting in both roles obviously. TFA is such an amazing man. I am constantly astounded by his struggle and humility. No matter what happens between us my admiration and care for him will remain. But, there comes a point when I have to ask, what about my needs? Seeing him once a month or less is definitely getting to me. Being in limbo as to where our connection is headed isn’t doing much for me either. At some point, my needs have to come into the picture.

Frankly, I don’t feel it would be fair to demand more from him right now. He has bigger fish to fry than focusing on me. I’m not belittling my feelings at all. Nor does it take away from what he feels but, it certainly plays into the situation. I’m actually sort of proud of myself for being able to see the bigger picture. That still does little to remedy the immediate problem.

I wish I could explain more but that would mean disrespecting his wish for privacy. What I can say is a variety of the problems he faces are coming to an end. He is also switching back to domestic flights which gives him a whole lot more flexibility with scheduling (read trips to SFO here). So I figure I can hang on for a couple more months and see where things head. If I see a change in his availability then I’m willing to see it thru. If not, I will probably need to pull back and remain as his friend. It will be hard for me considering how strongly I feel however, I am capable of looking beyond just my own feelings. There is no shame in this for me and I would hope for him. He will always have my support and admiration.

So now I’m asking myself, worst case scenario would I regret getting involved with him. Absolutely not. One, I’m learning I can love w/o expectation and two, I am still learning. Small words, big meaning.

Another little irony. I’m working on a long-winded post inspired by Adam and another reader about monogamy. I haven’t been able to work on it since I got back however, it is coming. Oh yes! It is coming. lol

Back In The Habit

I made it back from SD. Short but emotional weekend. I definitely need some time to process.

I went to support TFA regarding a problem that came up. Mission accomplished in that regard. We also managed to squeeze some fun time in as well. San Diego is a very pretty city. I was really surprised at how kept up it was. Even the run down areas were surpisingly nice looking. TFA was very gracious and showed me a large chunk of the city and surrounding areas. I particularly liked La Jolla (pronounced La Hoy-ya). A tad rich for my tastes but, the parks and open spaces next to the beaches were stunning.

I also got a chance to meet one of my blog/twitter buddies gooster. I wasn’t sure it would work out but as the fates would have it, I got some free time. We decided to meet up at Starbucks while TFA went off to handle some personal stuff. I was a little embarrassed as I was dozing off when he got there.1 Gooster was actually a tad cuter in person. He has very nice eyes and lips. Of which, I mentioned to him and got to see him blush a little. hehehehe I had a really good time hanging out with him even though it was very short. I hope he takes my advice about being more social though. He has a lot to offer someone.

So, it was a good weekend. The emotional part I need time to process. I’ve made some realizations that need to be pondered. No worries, I’ll blather on about it here in due time.

I’m a bit tired today. I flew straight in and had to head right off to work. OY!

  1. In my defense, I’d been on my feet all day at the zoo. []