Awww, I’m so verklempt over everyone checking in on me. Thanks for all the private emails asking how I’m doing. I really am fine. After getting a very concerned email from Homer tonight I figured it was time to spill it. I got hit with a lot of stress this past weekend. First, the brother getting into a horrific accident then a very unexpected need of support for TFA.
Things w/TFA and I are still evolving. We had a great time this weekend. I’m not really comfortable explaining the nature of my visit however, he needed me and I went. Enough said. I felt like my being there was very comforting to him. He leaned on me for support and I was happy to give it. It also made me feel really good knowing he trusted me enough to share and let me in, so to speak.
That said, I am beginning to have doubts. I find myself looking beyond my growing feelings for him to the overall picture. I begin to wonder if what he needs from me and what he wants from me are the same thing. Confused yet? Get in line. lol
Basically, I think he needs the attention, affection, and intimacy. I think he wants a really good friend for support. I routinely get mixed signals from him. The irony is his actions show he cares a lot more than his words. How’s that for a role reversal? I am acting in both roles obviously. TFA is such an amazing man. I am constantly astounded by his struggle and humility. No matter what happens between us my admiration and care for him will remain. But, there comes a point when I have to ask, what about my needs? Seeing him once a month or less is definitely getting to me. Being in limbo as to where our connection is headed isn’t doing much for me either. At some point, my needs have to come into the picture.
Frankly, I don’t feel it would be fair to demand more from him right now. He has bigger fish to fry than focusing on me. I’m not belittling my feelings at all. Nor does it take away from what he feels but, it certainly plays into the situation. I’m actually sort of proud of myself for being able to see the bigger picture. That still does little to remedy the immediate problem.
I wish I could explain more but that would mean disrespecting his wish for privacy. What I can say is a variety of the problems he faces are coming to an end. He is also switching back to domestic flights which gives him a whole lot more flexibility with scheduling (read trips to SFO here). So I figure I can hang on for a couple more months and see where things head. If I see a change in his availability then I’m willing to see it thru. If not, I will probably need to pull back and remain as his friend. It will be hard for me considering how strongly I feel however, I am capable of looking beyond just my own feelings. There is no shame in this for me and I would hope for him. He will always have my support and admiration.
So now I’m asking myself, worst case scenario would I regret getting involved with him. Absolutely not. One, I’m learning I can love w/o expectation and two, I am still learning. Small words, big meaning.
Another little irony. I’m working on a long-winded post inspired by Adam and another reader about monogamy. I haven’t been able to work on it since I got back however, it is coming. Oh yes! It is coming. lol