Category: humor

You Gonna Eat That? II

My last post got gobbled up somehow so I’m writing it again.

I had a flashback to my childhood the other day. It was kind of odd because it was a memory from when I was very young. God it seems like a lifetime ago and thinking of it now seems almost surreal. Anyway…

Picture it. It’s the 1970’s. Yours truly is about 3-4 years old. There’s me, my foster mom/dad and my 2nd oldest brother at the time. Mom was sewing and making clothes, my brother was in school, my dad was at work, and I was left to my own devices. We had a yard at the time that covered about an acres of land with a few trees on it. One tree in particular was my favorite. It wasn’t very big but had an odd limb that grew out not too terribly far from the ground. I couldn’t reach it on my own but if I stacked a 5-gallon bucket and a 50-gallon drum next to each other I cold easily climb up on the limb and hang out.

It was one of my favorite little spots to pass the time. If I was outside, I had to avoid the geese because they were mean and would jump on me, knock me down, and beat me with their wings. I was a tiny little fucker at the time so must have seemed like easy prey to them. Anyway, here I am one day chomping on a PB&J sammich and sitting in ‘my’ tree having a good ole time. I’d heard my dad come home but didn’t think much of it. I’d see him in a bit.

Everything was hunky-dory until I heard my dad yelling at me. I was startled so didn’t quite process what he was saying. I look over a bit confused and see him (along with my mom in tow) running over toward me continually yelling. This served to scare me more as my dad never ran. They are both clearly in distress and my dad jumps up on the 5-gallon bucket and yanks me down. Not understanding what is happening, I’m full on bawling at this point. I’m thinking I’ve somehow managed to do something and get in trouble. Meanwhile, I’m still chomping away at my PB&J sammich. [1]Even then I had a love for food!

I guess they realized they were making my hysterical so my mom starts trying to calm me down. It turns out my dad discovered a nest of yellow-jackets had built a nest right in the crook of the limb where it met the tree. He hadn’t a chance to take care of it I guess. Anyway, my dad seeing me up in the tree freaked out, afraid I was gonna stung. Unbeknownst to me the wasps were loving my sammich and flying all about. One had apparently landed right on my delicious sandwich right as I took a bite. Yup, you guessed it, I ate it! lol It never stung me, or if it did, I didn’t feel it.

My dad later sprayed them with WD-40, which promptly killed’em. An hour or two goes by and I’m right back up in my tree. This time minus the sandwich, watching the world go by. hehehe

I’m not sure why I suddenly remember this but I thought it funny enough to share. Aren’t memories funny sometimes? 

References

References
↑1 Even then I had a love for food!

Work In

I don’t get people sometimes. So I’m at the gym one day last week working out, doing my thing. The gym is a tad busier than normal but not overly so. I’m working my arms and I see this guy doing the triceps dip machine. I walk up and very politely ask if I can work in with him. He snaps, ‘sure‘ and proceeds to storm away in a huff.

I was actually surprised because 1) I was very polite and 2) my tone and demeanor was clearly indicative of my willingness to be denied. While it is the policy of the gym that members should share equipment, I know how it is to be in your zone, time schedule, routine, etc and I don’t get offended if someone isn’t willing to share. Of course, if I’d been working a free-weight bench with a big weight difference, I wouldn’t be as willing. Trying to swap off/on weights is a major pain. And while I don’t like people that hog benches because they are too busy gossiping/yakking with friends or bouncing between machines, this machine is as simple as flipping a switch to change the weight. Seriously, its that damn easy.

Of course, I laughed it off and finished my set. Hell, he made it easier for me as I no longer had to wait on him. He came back down about 15 minutes later glaring to see if anyone was on the bench. I’d already started my next set but was tempted to go over and tell him, ‘next time instead of throwing a tantrum like a 12-yr old girl just have the balls to say no.‘ I thought better of it though. He probably would have had an even bigger hissy fit and frankly I didn’t feel like dealing with the drama.

So here is a little advice for those of you who do hit the gym on a regular basis. Be willing to share equipment or have enough of a spine to say no if you don’t. Barring the above mentioned caveats, don’t storm off in a huff because you’re a passive-aggressive pussy pansy dumb-ass wimp.

Fibber

Ever have someone lie right to your face? Even better, the person has no idea you already know their lying? lol  Then when you confront them, they make pathetic, out-of-character excuses that are hysterical.

I’d love to hear stories on similar cases.

Howwie

Is me again. I’m sneaking onto the square box thing while daddy is sleeping. I still don’t understand it but my translator used to seem reawwie busy when I yipped at the bright square flippy thing . . . I think he called it a “scween”.  My translator left the other day. Daddy said he was “raptued” or something like dat. You’ll have to pawdon my spelling, I’m not a vewwie good speller. Daddy has been reawwie proud of me lately. He says I’ve  been extra special good. Even when we walk to the stoe w/o my leash on. [1]Oh ssshh, I’m not supposed to tell that. My other daddy doesn’t like it when I walk w/o my leash on.  Ewyway, my daddy has been wowwied about me. I’m approaching my ninth birfday and my age is starting to catch up with me. Don’t wowwie, nothing is wrong yet, Daddy just likes to wowwie. He notices I can’t run as much as I used to and I get a little tired sometimes real early. Daddy tries to give me a good walk every few days to keep me stwong and limber. When I get tired from my wawks I just take a break for a few days until I’ve regained my stwength. I like long naps. I curl up in my bed, I snore a lot and bury my face in my pillow to block out the sun. On really bwight days I put my paws up over my face to help keep the light out. I sometimes remember how to actually bark when I sweep. I can yip but barking is reawwie hard. When I’m sleeping, I have dreams of chasing birds and cats and I bark in my sleep. Its twue! Just ask my Daddy.  Ewyway, I told Daddy not to wowwie about me. I get lots of love and attention and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I think I like this box thing. It glows pretty colors and seems not to gunk up when I slobber on it. I’m not allowed to chew on it though. I would get in awot of trouble if I did that. Daddy found a new treat for me the other day at some place called Waw-gweens. Its got something called healthy gwanola on the outside and a hard chewy bone on the inside. Its my new fwavorite treat! I slobber and lick all the crunchy stuff off then I bite, chomp, and chew on the boney part till its nice and soft and I swallow it. I’m not supposed to hurry but I get es’ited and I sometimes choke. I try not to choke cause Daddies gets reawwie mad when I barf on my bedding.

I’m tired now so I’m gawna say goow night now. Ya’ll don’t tell that I was on the shiny box thing again ok? High paw!

Dawgs rule!

Spike

References

References
↑1 Oh ssshh, I’m not supposed to tell that. My other daddy doesn’t like it when I walk w/o my leash on.

Rapture

Have you heard? The end is coming on 5.21.11 around 6:00pm. So says some crack pot religious freak who claims to have secret insights into the christian bible. lolol  Of course, it doesn’t seem to matter that he already made one failed prediction back in the 90’s.

I’m tickled over all the spoof sites popping up everywhere. There’s the post-rapture orgy in Times Square. Then there’s the post-rapture looting Facebook page. lolol Hilarious! Oh, and have you arranged for pet care after you get raptured? Oh yeah, you forgot about that didn’t ya! lol Pets aren’t included so they’ll be left behind. I doubt the lowly sinners left behind will want to do it. You better think of something quick or feefee is gonna be up shit creek without a paddle. hehehe ok, just kidding.

I’m not worried about Spike because I’ll be left behind. Frankly, I’d never wanna be raptured with a bunch of fanatical wingnuts who care more about personal greed and hiding behind fear than actually doing the word of “their” god.

Anyway, so what are you planning for rapture day (or the day after)?

Overheard III

At the gym today, two guys talking in the showers.

 

Guy #1: So how was your night?

Guy #2: I didn’t get much sleep

Guy #1: Oh? Is that good or bad

Guy #2: Well, it was my birthday. I got a pair of socks and a piece of ass.  Both were too big.

Why Daddy?

Funny moment.

The boy asks me other day, “Daddy, why do people blog or read blogs?” He actually prefaced it with a request not to get upset. I guess he thought I might have been offended. lol He was so adorable. Anyway…

Don’t go getting irate. It was an innocent question. He has just recently started making the transition to online social/networking sites. I answered but was amused because blogging is such a pervasive part of our culture, I was surprised he honestly didn’t know.

I explained about how I got started, how it helped me, and how it has enriched my life in so many ways. He had the typical outside-looking-in look on his face but he seemed to understand. 

Give me time and I’ll convert him! heh heh