Category: me

Evolution

No, not the kind traditionally taught in schools. I’m referring instead to the evolution of a homo, namely me.  🙂

I was out with my buddy Nikitas last night and at one point during the evening I was suddenly struck by the difference in the person I am today and the person I was 20 years ago. [1]That said, being more than a little hung  over today, my brain is having problems functioning. Apologies if it comes out all garbled. Thru a series of choices, I’ve evolved into a completely different person over time.

Some of my decisions and choices in life have been constructive and fruitful. These are easy to accept and reflect on because they represent accomplishment. Take my sense of morality for instance. My parental units catered to the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ method of parenting so you can understand my confusion in that area. But I chose a better path for myself. I chose to rise above the state I was in after childhood and move beyond it.

But what about the choices we regret or ended badly? I used to think if I had my life to do over there are a ton of things I’d do differently. But as I get older I’m not so sure. Those choices had a huge impact on the man I am today. Would going back and having a ‘do over’ turn out any better? Or better yet, having avoided some of the bad choices in my life, would I still be the man I am now? I’m not so sure I would be. The bad teaches us to value the good more. Living a life with the intent of avoiding anything bad is self defeating as it also means you avoid the good. Like the traditional sense of good and evil, one cannot exist w/o the other. They are simply 2 sides of the same coin.

I’ve made bad choices in my life. But some of those choices helped to shape me into a better man. Am I perfect now? Hell no but I am better. Therein lies the key difference I think.

References

References
↑1 That said, being more than a little hung  over today, my brain is having problems functioning. Apologies if it comes out all garbled.

Rant

Considering more and more people are consuming their news, blogs, etc on the go these days, I am irritated at the lack of sites that still haven’t upgraded their sites to include a mobile version.

And considering most platforms already include free templates, not switching is just laziness.

Upgrade your damn sites already!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. . .

/rant

Direction

I’ve been weaning myself off Facebook and twitter as of late. Its just too time-consuming. And frankly, the energy invested is almost never returned. lol   If it wasn’t for my moto group, I think I would abandon FB all together. Filtering, while still possible, is way more complicated than it used to be and trying to sort thru the lists of people just gets old after awhile.

Access to social aspects is great but the onslaught of “friends” is often too much and/or eventually waters down the entire experience. I’m leaning toward leaving parts of my profile, normally restricted, open and just weeding down my friend list to people I actually interact with on a regular basis. This way people who are just dying to know what I’m up to can. Ok seriously though, I’m not a celebrity or social icon. One really doesn’t need thousands of friends that never interact w/you but feel slighted the moment you remove them. Seriously. It all becomes very high school-ish after awhile. Apple guy de-activated his account completely the other day.

Even my blogging has suffered. I still have plenty to say but my free time is limited and I have to pick and choose where I waste it. heehee  As often happens, by the time I actually get time to sit down and blog, I’ve already moved on to other topic or forgotten the topic I wanted to blather on about.

Shifting my priorities away from FB and twitter will give me more time to ramble incessantly on my blog anyway. This way I can feel validated and still get my online time in. [1]Yes, I’m being sarcastic here. duh!

References

References
↑1 Yes, I’m being sarcastic here. duh!

Tattoo

I’m currently pondering ideas for next tattoo. As previously mentioned, I want one on my inner left forearm. I’m still thinking of doing a chemistry based one to match the physics and biology ones. That said, I’ve been throwing ideas around in my head and a few seem to be resonating so far.

The first being the Caduceus (pictured left). Many people incorrectly associate it with the medical profession. For the unknowing, the Caduceus first reared its head as the Staff of Iris, which if I remember my mythology, was later co-opted by Hermes.

Anyway, I’m thinking of this with a rougher more aggressive snake and wings. One of my coworkers said I should make the snakes bowed back as if about to strike each other. I kinda liked that idea. I also think the lines and curves would look good on my forearm and would go nicely with the flow of my muscle. The design itself isn’t too difficult so I’m confident it would translate well to a tattoo. If anything, I think I’ll end up adding more definition and character if I decide to go with this one. I might do something to the ball on top of the staff as well. As I said, I’m still tinkering with ideas so feedback is welcome (and expected lol).

My other idea was the Wand of Asclepius, which is the true symbol of healing from Greek mythology. [1]I didn’t know the difference between the two until my mythology class in college. Asclepios (as originally spelled) was the son of Apollo. He was also a healer and practiced medicine, hence the medical relationship. I never quite figured out how the two symbols got confused but that’s a post for another day. I’ve also seen it done on a cross. Not surprising considering most of christianity’s fables were taken from early cultures.

Of course, this one is a tad too detailed for my liking, as is. I’d probably clean it up and give it more of a surreal look. Again, I like the lines and curves. I think both would go well as a forearm tattoo. My idea for this one is to maybe have the snake looking outward or open mouth as well. I do love the realistic texture but its a tad rough compared to the vision in my head. The dimensions are off a bit for my liking as well. I’d want the wand and snake to both be thicker.

But wait, I’m not done yet! lol I’m also thinking of getting my name in binary code. [2]text converted to computer speak consisting of 1’s and 0’s.  I think it looks cool but one of the fall outs would be people constantly asking me what it means. A good way to get attention for a tattoo but not necessarily that much.

So those are my current ideas. Whaddya think?

References

References
↑1 I didn’t know the difference between the two until my mythology class in college.
↑2 text converted to computer speak consisting of 1’s and 0’s.

Flat

This is about how I felt over the weekend. LOL [1]I got a bronchial infection related to my allergies. Ugh! I’m still recovering but at least I’m back to being functional today.

Apple guy made me plenty of soup and all around helped take care of me. I rarely get sick but I’m such a baby when I do. Thankfully, I was only down and out for a couple days. I’ve been trying to get full nights sleep and taking it easy the last few days. So far, its helping.

I probably should have stayed home today as well but the boredom might have killed me sooner so here I am at work. Thankfully, its been slow so far.

References

References
↑1 I got a bronchial infection related to my allergies.

Wanted

Isn’t it funny how people who normally don’t give you the time of day when you are single suddenly wanna be all up in your grill when you aren’t? I mean don’t get me wrong, I know guys always want what they can’t have, but some bitches are down right home-wreckers. Apple guy and I have had conversations on several occasions about the subject. heehee

I originally thought it was kinda funny, but now its kinda getting old. I had the odd luck of being off work early tonight. I’m walking thru the ghaytto to pick up some dinner when a guy [1]We’ll call him Ralphie for simplicity. I have completely forgotten his real name but he looks like a Ralphie to me. I’ve seen around for years suddenly grabs my arm while I’m passing bearbucks. Said guy moved here 4-5 years ago. We met randomly thru different friends a few times. Each time I was summarily dismissed as if I barely existed. I mean literally, it was all he could do to acknowledge my presence. I thought it was hilarious and filed him away in my “bless his heart” file.

Imagine my surprise tonight when I turn around to find he is the guy grabbing my arm. I found it funny how hard he tried to establish a sense of rapport between us. I wasn’t biting and politely said as much. I mentioned I wasn’t really interested as I already had a partner. It was then he made the fatal mistake of saying, “what does he have that I don’t?”  I replied, “well for one manners, and two, me!” and walked away. I was tempted to turn and see the look on his face but I didn’t.

Yes, I know it was probably a bit immature of me to take joy in his humiliation, but I can’t help it. Good looks does not excuse one’s behavior, so yeah I took a little personal joy in his comeuppance. And anyone who knows me knows I can’t stand arrogance. Cockiness is hot but arrogance is so 80’s.

References

References
↑1 We’ll call him Ralphie for simplicity. I have completely forgotten his real name but he looks like a Ralphie to me.

Friction

Its been an interesting past week, to say the least.

Apparently, I live like a bachelor, or so Apple guy tells me. Ok, ok, its true, I do tend to live a bit sparse. Growing up the way I did, I never had a lot of things and it just isn’t natural for me to focus on such things. I don’t apply myself that way often and the skill set has grown weak. This is not to imply Apple guy is shallow, just the distinction between us. If anything, he is very hands-on and tackles challenges with a determined zest. In the last few years, I’ve gotten sort of complacent on doing stuff myself. [1]Ok, lazy I admit it.  He has taken to converting my sparse boring pad into a warm inviting home. Even better, he is the king of bargain shopping! lol The man has easily saved us over a grand in expenses with his efforts.

Sadly, Apple guy and the roomie have decided they hate each other. Oh yes, its not going well at all. I thought they would overcome eventually and settle down but its obvious now, that ain’t happening. The last few days have been interesting to say the least. This has also put me in an awkward position and I’m not faring it well. No matter how I approach it, someone is gonna end up hurt.

This has also caused some friction between Apple guy and myself. Besides his expected stress at being in a new place and struggling to gain his self-reliance, the bickering between him an the roomie has made him very uneasy about the move.

The upside is he and I are still able to talk things out. Time will tell but I’m not doubting my decision so far. I know he gets frustrated with me at times but at the end of the day, he still knows I love him and am willing to work on it.

Say a prayer for me to [insert deity of choice here], would ya?

References

References
↑1 Ok, lazy I admit it.

Lost

I had an altercation with a coworker this past week after I referred to the pope as evil incarnate. We are friends so she tried to cloak it under ‘be nice’. I knew that being a practicing catholic, she was offended. Too bad. There was a time when I tried to be accommodating of people’s religious beliefs. But, as I get older I just have less and less tolerance for bullshit. If you wanna align yourself with a bunch of make-believe nonsense that is your prerogative, but don’t expect me to tolerate your crap. And frankly, I am done being polite about it. All your sad pathetic excuses amount to nothing in the face of reality.

Christianity as an organization has become a self-obsessed, greedy, hate-mongering, evil, corporate entity bent on world domination. The sooner we get rid of it and start over, the better off we will be as a society. I fully admit there is still some good that comes from organized religion. [1]albeit very little or based on “conditions”.  That said, when your evil deeds and cover ups overshadow any good deeds performed, you lose any right to the moral high ground. If you are too stupid to see it, I’m not about to explain it to you. You clearly have bigger problems. And just because not everyone who claims the title doesn’t act that way doesn’t make it ok either. Your implicit denial or indifference makes you an accomplice to the atrocities continually being committed in the name of [insert name of deity of choice]. [2]and to be clear, I do believe in a higher power, just not one designed to control the masses out of fear.  Unlike being born gay, minority, female, etc you aren’t born christian. Being indoctrinated into a faith doesn’t mean you can’t use your effin’ head for something besides a hat-rack and walk away from it. Hiding behind the idea that you specifically don’t behave that way is just a sad attempt to not face the cold hard truth. Frankly, I’d be out-right ashamed to tell anyone if I was a christian in this day and age. I’ll go one step further and say my respect for you drops a notch or two when you admit it. I mean how believable is your ‘faith’ if you have to coop pagan rituals just to gain supporters?

When you step away and look outside in, the absurdity is grossly apparent. For most, this will fall on death deaf ears. I don’t really care. This is more for my benefit than yours. I’m not your role model and your choices in life are not my responsibility. But, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt when my life is over, I’ll be comfortable with my choices, mistakes, and atonements. Will you?

References

References
↑1 albeit very little or based on “conditions”.
↑2 and to be clear, I do believe in a higher power, just not one designed to control the masses out of fear.

Hard

I had a very rough call this past week at work and I find I’m having trouble shaking it. I rarely take work personal but there are times when certain calls find their way past my shields and really get under my skin. Most days, work is forgotten the moment I leave the building. Hell, its forgotten before I get my bike started. lol 

Sadly in my line of work, even when everything is done 100% right, people still suffer and I realize that. Without getting overly detailed, a person died while they were talking to me on the phone. I did everything I could possibly do (and then some) to no avail. I don’t have any angst or guilt over my performance. Its just been a long time since I had such a raw nerve-racking call.

Most people assume working in my agency, we handle emergencies non-stop, call after call, day after day. That simply isn’t true. Many calls can be urgent and even stressful, but the ratio of truly emergent calls is very low. And while many of our calls are emergencies in one sense or another, there are emergencies and then there are emergencies. That’s the best way I can explain it. I can handle bloody vehicle accidents, shootings, stabbing, fights, assaults, etc w/o blinking an eye. And while I am not belittling the realness of these calls, after years of repeating’em over and over, it just becomes sort of routine. Granted they are still stressful but you don’t really get excited. You handle it as best you can and move on to the next call.

This last call was just so raw and out of the norm, it got to me. Hearing someone slowly [1]in the scope of a call it seems slow but the reality here is within a few minutes pass away while pleading for help and comfort is hard, to say the least. To know you are helpless to prevent the inevitable is just gut-wrenching. I was obviously upset afterwards and took some time to compose myself and refocus my mind. I was texting Apple guy and he managed to make me laugh, which is exactly what I needed. He knocked me out of my funk enough for me to move on. I finished my shift and went on about my life. For whatever reason, this particular call wasn’t so easy to forget. 

The upside to this is I recognized the hard edge within me hasn’t taken over yet. [2]For you newer readers, I’ve discussed on occasion a very dark cold part of my id that scares the holy shit out of me.  I’ll be honest, if I ever lose myself to the dark parts of my id, I would consider my life (and my struggles) an utter failure. It has been and continues to be on of the single most important guiding principles in my life. Thankfully, I don’t see myself going down that path. So while this particular call really got to me, it has also helped to remind me that I am still the man I strive to be. I can’t save everyone but I can take strength and comfort in knowing I do the best I can every time I can, no matter the scenario.

References

References
↑1 in the scope of a call it seems slow but the reality here is within a few minutes
↑2 For you newer readers, I’ve discussed on occasion a very dark cold part of my id that scares the holy shit out of me.

Read/Write

While I don’t blog as much as I used to, I’m always tickled when people I know ‘come out’ about reading my blog. I’ve had 2 coworkers and 2 friends fess up this week. Why they felt it was a secret is beyond me. My blog is and has always been public. While I do sometimes hide my more personal thoughts, [1]even most of those get shared usually its perfectly easy to find me. That said, I’ve made a few changes as of late. Some out of necessity and others out of convenience.

I’ve always made it a point not to use my real name online. [2]Considering only a handful of people actually call me by my real name its kind of a moot point in my mind.  When searching, I realize it presents some challenges if that is your only frame of reference. But, if that is your only frame of reference then you probably don’t know me that well anyway. Right?  Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people knowing my real name, I just decided a long time ago it was prudent not to use it in a medium rife with the potential for abuse i.e. the internet. So far, it has served me pretty well.

On the flip side, for a long time my personal and work worlds almost never mixed. As time has passed, that has changed quite a bit. Many of my coworkers often read my blog and share their insights with me in person. Knowing me in person, they are rarely surprised by what they read. lol That said, there are some things they just wouldn’t understand. I used to spend a lot of time and effort managing “restricted” content on the old archive. It was very time consuming to say the least. I finally got tired of messing with it and just made it all private. Time will tell if I ever bring it back. I’m sure as the use of universal log-ins become the norm, there will be newer and easier ways to manage users but for now you do not need to log-in when you visit le ole blog. It still helps w/commenting but content-wise everything is pretty much the same.

References

References
↑1 even most of those get shared usually
↑2 Considering only a handful of people actually call me by my real name its kind of a moot point in my mind.