Category: me

Old Journals – 4.19.98

Ok, I’ve gotten a bit behind on my old journal posts. I plead for your mercy. I’ve been a very busy boy. This entry is significantly later on as I got distracted (yeah there’s a surprise) from my journaling.

In this enty, I find myself back in Houston and very happy about it at the time. I’d struggled very hard to make enough money to move as well as buy a car. Probably not the smartest move but it was very symbolic for me. A friend who managed the local bathouse gave me a job working the counter and catering the bbq’s on weekends. My thoughts were still very chaotic and my goals pretty much non-existent. I think I was still hoping for something to just fall it in my lap and make it all better. And while I was still missing the bigger picture, every time I sat down to journal a few more things would come into focus. All was not lost. . .

4.19.98
Well it’s been a very long time since I’ve written in this thing. I haven’t been keeping up like wanted but here I am again making the effort. I have come to a decision. I have no self-control when it comes to choosing what I want to do vs what I need/should be doing. That is something I need to work on a lot!

I’m back in Houston! I am so happy to be back. Even though I’m not working yet, I am still glad to be home. I’ve so missed all of my friends. However, as I feared, I’ve fallen back into alot of my old habits again. I’m trying though. I think I’ve made some very important realizations about myself. Now, I just need to work on the changes. I’ve started studing HTML alot. I need to study even harder if I want to learn it thoroughly. I’m getting concepts down right now and then I want to work on actual application next. I need to have a focus to help increase my self-control. I have no control sometimes when I should. I will work on it.
Continue reading Old Journals – 4.19.98

Tidbits II

Thanks for the well-wishes and concerns on the new bike. I’m slowly breaking it in. I went for a ride last night. In a word, SWEET! I had sold my scooter but the guy backed out. No biggie, it’s paid for and I have the space.

As for the safety issues, yeah there is that. However, as Joe pointed out a lot of guys get bikes to increase the perception of coolness, manhood or likability. Not so in my case. I could care less really. I upgraded for a variety of reasons but the biggies were based on practicality.

  • 1) While the scooter was great for tooling around the city, I had a really hard time w/it during rain or poor weather days. It is so light that any rain makes it very dangerous to slide around on the street.
  • 2) I can afford a car but don’t want the hassles of parking, storage, fees, etc. I have a garage space so storage isn’t bad however, parking is simplistic w/a bike. Fees even less hassle.
  • 3) I’m no longer citybound. I can actually get on the freeway and drive over the bridge. While not a primary factor it is nice to have the added mobility.

Continue reading Tidbits II

Surprise!!!!

OMG! I be done lost my ever love’n mind.

Lookie lookie what Moby got.

Blue Booo!

Blue Booo!

Better pics to come once I am not so crunched for time. My buddy kristaki from work went w/me. Afterwards, we were starving. And I didn’t wanna ride it too long till I get my insurance converted over.

We were both surprised how fast it went. I had planned to just go by and look at it. However, the guy offered me 5.9% on the interest so I couldn’t say no. Fast forward 30 minutes later and kristaki is watching me lurch up/down the block getting used to the clutch. (My scooter is one gear w/no clutch. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a bike.)

Del.icio.us

I would say “geek alert” however, I’d like some feedback on this particular post.

I’ve been hearing about the social bookmarking site del.icio.us for some time now. I decided to check it out today. Not bad. It’s sort of like friendster, tribe, and myspace except you share bookmarks instead of self-profiles. Any computer, phone, pda, etc w/net access I can log in and see my bookmarks. Of course, this ties in nicely w/my desire to make the web my portal of online activities.

With del.icio.us I have the choice of listing my tags or my actual bookmarks. I’m just starting so my tag list is minimal at best. I’ve also only added a few bookmarks for now. My question is how many people prefer seeing a list of my tags or the actual bookmarks?

Insight

Wow! So many kind words. Thank you to everyone. I hope it did provide some insight. Many of the emails expressed shock that I would share such deeply personal feelings. I offer them freely w/o reservation in the hope that someone can learn from my growing pains and mistakes. The last entry was a collage of rather chaotic thoughts from a time in my life when I didn’t have any focus. I knew my life was out of control and was struggling to make sense of it. I hadn’t yet found the impetus to push me in the right direction. This only seemed to make my situation worse.

Al’s comment was particularly touching. The simple truth in his words really affected me. I forget to look at myself from the outside at times. I really am becoming the person that I’d like to date. Someone that can offer qualities that I seek in others. I guess I needed someone to point that out to me.

I often talk about my goals and where I hope to eventually be in my life but I don’t really see myself there yet. Or I guess I don’t ‘feel it’ yet. Don’t ge me wrong, I know w/o a doubt that I am kind and compassionate person. These traits are deeply embedded in my id. I also am discovering I have an innate sense of fairness. I like to see a problem from both sides. Lacking is the assurance of self that only comes from within. An assurance normally imparted as a child. However, in my case, something I’m learning as an adult. A hard task indeed. With that is the realization of character. And I am realizing that about myself. Slowly but surely, it’s sinking past the conscious to the subconscious. Hopefully, one day it will take root and become permanent. As I’m fond of saying, hope springs eternal…

Old Journals – 2.15.97

Ok, I’ve calmed down a bit and back on tract. I was all set to talk about my old journals before going off on a tangent.

This entry is particularly painful for me. The irony, even when I was losing hope I was still hopeful. How is that for confusing.

While writing this entry I was on a plane from Boulder to Texas for my vacation. I’d saved enough money to afford the plane ticket. I didn’t have a single credit card then. My boss from my previous job in TX had gotten me an interview w/his new company and I was on my way to make an impression. This was probably the only thing keeping my spirits up. I was really becoming alienated even though I had caring people all around me. I was also still waiting for Mr. Right to come along and miracuously fix my life. I hadn’t yet realized no one could fix my life but me. It’s funny, in some ways I was opening up and others I was closing myself off. I never saw that until now. I was so focused on not being happy in Boulder, I think I actually stopped giving it a chance. I had so much pain that carried over from my childhood and no matter how hard I pushed it away, it always seeped back in somehow. I wasn’t mature enough to face it and hande it. I’m amazed at times I survived at all.

2.15.97 Continue reading Old Journals – 2.15.97

Know Thyself

I often talk about the goals and ideals that have become important to me. My “moby-ism” today is one that I work on often. Most folks who know me would say I come across pretty confident. And in many ways I am. I’m very confident in my abilities and skills. I’m a quick study and excel at most things I take an interest in. However, it is my inner confidence that is lacking at times. I’ll skip all the yada yada about my childhood. We’ve all been there done that right?

I often battle w/a lack of confidence in myself. Thanks in part to a certain blogger, I’m discovering it’s not so much my lack of confidence but how I value myself that needs adjustment. I frequently see qualities in others that I admire and value greatly. Qualities I myself possess. Maybe not as refined at times but still there. I’m a little bit shocked it’s taken me this long to see the distinction.

Realization is not enough obviously. However, I see it as a milestone in my attempts to overcome my shortcomings.

Old Journals – 1.16.97

As promised, here is another journal from way back when. Not much had changed since the first except the desire to move home had intensified. It was obvious I felt alone. I felt trapped by my life and helpless at times to change it. I’d focused my energies on getting back to Texas. I just knew if I could get home everything would be all right again. (Not really the case but perception is 9/10 of reality they say.) The poem references a new friend I’d made. His name was Aubry. We lost touch a couple of years after I moved away but I still miss him in my life. He was the one thing that kept me sane thru my despair.

1.16.97
It’s been 15 days since I last wrote here. Not a whole lot new to tell. I am working out again. I haven’t done much metaphysical work lately. I guess my exercise is work enough. At least I’m doing something. I have been really really busy. I’ve come to realize I want to move back home. I miss everything! I talked to Steve today. NHP doesn’t have any positions right now. He is going to send me a paper on Sunday so I can look around with other companies. I came across a poem today that I kinda like. Here goes…
Continue reading Old Journals – 1.16.97

Hallelujah!

“This house is clean!” Ok the house isn’t but I’m feeling much better. As expected, after my bout w/Satan and my quick choice to exercise him, I’m back on the mend. Still a little quesy but oh so much better overall. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes.

I did get a new mattress yesterday. I wanted a Spring Air but they are so damn pricey I couldn’t afford it. Instead I opted for a Simmons Beauty Rest. The firm version w/a plush top. It is truly amazing what a good mattress can do for your sleep. I slept thru the whole night w/o waking up tossing/turning once. I woke up feeling very refreshed and w/o the usual stiffness. My debt had to take a hit but that’s ok. I knew it was coming, I’d just been putting it off. I went thru Sleeptrain here in SF. I think they are a chain. When I called, the guy was way more friendly than some of the other vendors I’d already spoken with. He went overboard making sure I understood the difference between types and brands. And they delivered free of charge the same day! You can’t beat that w/a stick!

Oh! My phone came yesterday too. After Kenucky Tim came over and brought me some soup, I felt good enough to trek off to get some errands done. (The domestic chores are still waiting for me. Ugh!) It put me in a good mood though. I came home and started tinkering w/it of course. Tim was like “ok, I can see I’m not wanted anymore” and split. Bless his heart, he was such a saint for bringing me food. He walked 10 blocks to do it too. He also cleaned up my apt a bit. (Besides being a big baby, I’m hella messy when I get sick. Dishes, clothes everywhere!)

Today, I’m taking it easy. I’m going to the gym but taking it easy. I think I’ll just do some light cardio. Don’t wanna over do it. Sadly, I still have chores to do. (No, I’m not procrastinating, why do you say that? :P) I have another busy week coming up so can’t afford not to put’em off. *sigh*